Crazy Nervousness

I have been a nervous wreck these past few days.  My heartbeat is faster, my legs keep twitching, I'm clenching my teeth and my brain is going a mile a minute.  I can't keep a thought for more than a minute.  I'm not nervous about the surgery really.  Not the actual surgery, but of the unknown afterwards. 

 

Like it was said to me, this is not like an appendectomy where you recover and life goes on.  This is a life-changing operation and not knowing what's to come is nervewracking.  I mean, yeah, I've read blogs and bulletin boards about how people who've gone through gastric bypass have reported their recovery, but it's not ME.  I'm really trying to learn, but my brain is muddled, confused and is sparking so fast I can't keep up! 

 

I'm not worried about the hospital.  Not worried about recovery.  Truth?  I'm worried about the doctor appointment tomorrow.  What if I didn't lose those last two pounds?  What if I gained weight?  Will they postpone my surgery?  OMG, I will go crazy!  I've really done my best, but I am human, and I am an emotional overeater, so what can I really expect?  I'm trying to use the tools I learned in group sessions, but they're muddled along with everything else.  I just can't think!!

 

I just want this to be over.  I want this so bad I can taste it.   Yeah, taste it.  haha! 

 

Surgery is Monday morning.  I am ready.  I think John is ready.  We both read over all the informed consents and will be ready for the surgeon tomorrow.  On paper, everything is in order.  My brain is just flying off the handle right now.  Maybe that's normal? 

 

At least my eating frenzy is over.  I can relax about that.  No more eating everything in sight.  When I'm hungry, I eat a handful of raw almonds and I feel better.  The almonds keep my mouth busy with all the crunching and it satisfies the grumbling in my tummy.  Or is it in my brain?  Either way, it works and it's better than snacking on bad foods. 

 

Which brings me to that.  There are no dangerous foods in our house.  Not like exploding food, but that would be interesting...  I mean dangerous for me to eat.  No refined sugars, no sodas, no candy.  If I want sweet, there are dates and fruit.  If I want crunch, there are veggies and nuts.  The kitchen is safe. 

 

I'm kind of doing the "last supper" thing this week.  Yesterday was a nice sushi lunch.  I won't be able to have rice for at least 3 months post-op, but I can have sashimi after about 3 weeks, I think.  Last night was a hamburger piled with tomatoes, avocado, lettuce, onions and pickles with cucumber slices on the side.  Today's breakfast was a drive-thru McD's because I was starving and running late for work.  Bad choice, but I didn't want to obsess about not having food at work to eat and being hungry all morning.  Bad planning, bad choices, you know?  I haven't planned tonight's dinner yet.  I'm thinking chicken and veggies.  Maybe some pasta. 

 

After work I'm hitting the market for some veggies to get me through the week.  Need to stock up on veggies to calm my nerves.