Monday, April 19, 2010

Food Confessions

It's been a pretty shitty week, food-wise.
I have been on antibiotics and prednisone for my sinus infection.  I swear that the prednisone makes me eat because all I wanted to do was eat, and not the good stuff, either.
I ate cookies and muffins and cookies and cake.  Did I mention cookies??  OMG I craved sugar and once I got on it, I couldn't get off it, and I'm still on it!  It didn't help my situation with making cookies this weekend.  Oh, the glorious cookies!  Ok, they were kinda healthy:  the usual choc chip recipe but with whole wheat flour, 1/2 the amount of choc chips, added pecans, walnuts and ground almonds.  Oh yes, they are delicious.  TOO delicious.  I think I ate 8 or 10 of them on Saturday, then 8 or 10 on Sunday and then when I woke up this morning, I had 2 with my coffee!!  Curse you, cookies!
So why don't I throw them away?  How dare you think of that!  That's good cookies in the garbage.  No way!  I should be stronger than the cookie.  Stronger than the sugar! 
But I'm not.
This is the first time since my surgery that I've slid this far and I can definitely feel it in my body.  My stomach feels all squishy and jiggly and overall I feel like crap.  I've had headaches (besides the sinus and mingraines) because of the sugar.  I know the headaches are from the bad eating.  Been there, done that.  I just have to want to get off the sugar.  Have to actually remove it from the house to get off it.  I'll take the rest of the cookies in to work tomorrow so I don't have to look at them in their pretty, crystal jar.  Those perfectly round, crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, delicious, sweet cookies.  STOP!   See what I mean?  They've got a hold on me and they won't let go!!!
So here's the thing about the binge.  The sugar binge.  I know I'm doing it, but I disconnect.  I keep eating when I know I'm full or I know it's not good for me.  I really wish I still "dumped" when I had too much sugar, but I rarely do anymore.  If I did "dump", I wouldn't be eating so much sugar.  Glad I don't throw up because it would just be another excuse to keep on eating, you know?  The binge devil inside my head just keeps telling me "one more, just one more" and so I do.  I push myself to the point of over-eating and total discomfort.  Why?  To see if I can still make myself feel like shit, I guess.  Ok, I can still do it, so I have to knock it off now.  Really, how much abuse can I put upon myself before I finally "get it"? 
I haven't gotten on the scale, because I'm sure my weight is up, from both the prednisone and the sugar bingeing.  No sense in torturing myself yet again.  I'm tired already.
On the other hand...
I've been craving good food, like steamed veggies and salads.  I believe that is my body telling me it needs those things, but I just kept giving it sugar.  Bad Debbie.  Right now, I'm craving some steamed broccoli with a little butter and some nooch.  That's nutritional yeast for those of you that aren't familiar with nooch.  It tastes like cheese, but is full of those lovely B vitamins. 
I'm taking today one minute at a time.  Will detox and get the sugar out of my system.  Lots of tea and water to drink today.  No added sugars of any kind.  Have to break the cycle.  Start writing down all my food again.  Keep myself accountable.  Get back on track. 

Friday, April 9, 2010

Testing the limits?

Why, oh why, do I test the limits of things?? 
Yesterday was one of those days.  I tested my patience, my self-control and my stomach.

 (='-'= )
 (")  (")  Debbie

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Feeling the difference

I'm really feeling the difference today.  The difference of the 5 pound weight loss. 
When I weighed upwards of 290, I can remember being on a diet and losing 5 pounds.  Whoopie!  It was just a number.  I couldn't tell the difference in my clothes or my appearance.  But losing 5 pounds at 209 makes a huge difference.  The size 18 pants I've been wearing were a little tight around the waist, the butt and the thighs, but now they are a little loose.  Weird.  Don't get me wrong, it's not BAD by any means, just weird to me.  I'm not used to the differences a little weight loss can make.
I don't have to squeeze into my office chair like I used to at 290.  I can "squeeze by" people in a room and not feel like I need to yell "Fat girl coming through.  Please move aside!"  I can just slip by sideways and not even touch people.  In restaurants, I don't have to pre-navigate the route out if I'm in a crowded dining room.  Not having to worry about going between chairs and not bumping the other diners.  An overweight person totally gets this.  When I was 290, I felt like I was invisible to other people, especially men.  I don't mean invisible invisible, I mean that I was so fat they didn't even look at me.  I was invisible to them.  I don't feel like other women are looking at me and thinking, "oh god, I will NEVER get that big!"  I used to say the same thing about big women and then I was one.  I get it.
Weight loss does a number on your head whether you want it to or not.  It makes you face your demons.  ALL of them!  I'm going through the crap and I don't really like that I'm forced to (by my body), but I'm glad I am.  I'll be a better, more focused and attentive person once I get through this.  I'll be normal, whatever that is. 
The best thing about all this?  I'm not eating to cover up emotions.  I can't, really.  I mean, yes, I can EAT, I just can't binge, I can't graze like before.  It's not physically possible.  I get sick.  I'm forced to deal with the feelings and sometimes that is not pleasant.  At all.  But I do it.  I'm proud of me for doing that.  It's new to me and I'm dealing and guess what?  I'm not perfect!  Imagine that.  Not perfect and I'm ok with that!!