Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Trash Day update

Down to 220.4 today. 

I'm feeling better about myself these days.  Feeling like I'm on the downward weight journey again.  My body was holding on to something, but I don't know what.  Never really did figure it out.  Lots of speculation, but nothing hit me like the AHA moment, you know?  I guess I just needed to feel those feelings and now I can move on.  Not sure, but at least my outlook is better.

I went to the Acupunctist/Massage Therapist yesterday for my frozen right shoulder, and he told me I looked SKINNY!  Wow, I haven't heard that in ages!  That helped boost my mood even more.  I felt so good after that and my shoulder is getting better, too.

I've decided to go back to basics.  That means eat when I'm only really hungry.  (I've been eating by the clock instead of hunger these days.)  Drink lots of fluids.  (I'm terrible about drinking any types of fluids.  I'm always in a state of dehydration.)  Get more exercise.  I've been riding the bike albeit occasionally, but I've been riding it.  Need to get back in touch with my stomach and my physical body feelings instead of being in my head all the time.  Just like right after surgery.  No choice but to pay attention to the physical because it has changed so much. 

Having a great day.  Going grocery shopping now and then I'm off work until Monday.  I plan on taking advantage of the beautiful, warm weather and being outside a lot.  No shopping for me.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Who invited HER?!

I'm feeling fat.  Very fat.  Embarrassed.  Don't want to be seen.  Want to hide behind my clothes again.
Why?  I don't know.  I've thought and thought but can't figure out what the deal is.

I weighed myself last week and I was down to 221.  OMG, yes, 221, but instead of feeling terrific about that, I felt shame.  Hell, I weighed two hundred and twenty one pounds!  That's a lot!  I should weigh much, much less than that!  My brain didn't think, "but you used to weigh 290 pounds and 221 pounds is a helluva lot less than that", but no, Ms. Negative got in there first and said, "you suck".

Where the hell did she come from?  I was sailing along just fine without her.  I was feeling great dressing all girly-girl and feeling like I was a woman again, and then she showed up.  Who invited her to the party??   She is a major downer on my parade and I want her gone!  Thing is, she's not making any moves to leave just yet.  Hmmm.  How do I get her out of here??

What is it about that number on the scale that made her come back?  Did I have major issues when I weighed 221 before?  I believe our bodies store feelings and memories in our fat and muscles and when we get to a certain weight, pull a certain muscle or hurt ourselves in a certain area, those feelings or memories come back to the surface.  Yeah, that's all touchy-feely, but I believe that.  So, given those facts, what is it about this size body at 221 pounds, am I holding on to? 

Let's see...  when was the last time I weighed 221?  Probably about 23 years ago.  I lost a bunch of weight before John and I got married.  How much did I start out weighing?  OMG about 220 pounds!  I got down to 170 on our wedding day.  Right after we got married, I started to pig out.  Oh baby, did I pig out!  I was up to 200 pounds in like 3 months.  No shit.  I remember staying there for a short time and then the weight just crept up and up and up.

So what is it then?  Is the 220 a breaking point of some type?  Is it a memory of "holy shit you are fat and you'd better lose weight if you want to make John want/love you".  Whoa.  Want/love?  Is that it?  Am I afraid to go forward and lose weight because that means acceptance?  Why would that be a deterrant?  I don't feel that consciously.  Not sure that's the reason.  Is it a memory of leaving the past and moving on to something new?  Hmm.  Not sure about that, either.

There is some memory inside that is making me feel this way and I've got to get it out.  It's dragging me down big time and I don't like it one bit.  Time to call the therapist because this is beyond me.  I really am struggling with this and I can't seem to get it out of my head. 

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Why do I push that envelope??

To weigh myself and I'm 223 today, trash day.

I'm happy to have lost weight consistently, but I'm also disappointed that it isn't coming off more quickly.  I've tried writing down everything I eat and drink and make sure to count up the proteins and calories.  From that, I've determined I'm eating right around 1,000 calories a day but only 20-25 grams of protein, max.  That is not enough protein.  Maybe my body needs more protein to do whatever it does to metabolize fat?  I've never really understood the whole "eat this and this and this if you want to make it turn into a fat burner" thing.  I really just don't care.  I just want someone to say, "Don't eat this, or eat this and you will lose weight". 

I need guidelines.  Big ones.  Give me an inch and I take the mile, you know?  "Ok, so you can eat a little bit of sugar."  Ha!  I eat a little, and the next thing you know, I've eaten the whole sugary thing, you know?  I know myself.  I know that I will ignore the little voice in my head that says "enough already" and will just continue eating or drinking.  I am an addict.  A food addict and a sugar addict.  I don't believe that will ever change, but I can do something about it. 

I can learn to choose the right things to eat.  In moderation.  I can also choose to eat more of something if that's what I need.  Like protein.  I have to make myself take my pills every day.  I hate taking pills and I conveniently forget to take them.  Bad, very bad.  I have been "forgetting" to eat enough protein and to take my multivitamins and calcium every day.  My hair is falling out.  Not in bunches, but every day, all day, I find many, many hairs in the sink and on the desk.  I am saddened by this because it is my doing, but do I remember to take my pills and eat the protein?  No.  Why is that?  Do I not care enough about myself or am I really still the same person I was when I was 290 lbs and just waited for the other shoe to drop: the heart attack, diabetes, hypertension.  Why must I always push the envelope?

Do I think it makes people pay more attention to me?  Am I looking for attention?  We all want a certain amount of attention in our lives.  Not just for accolades for losing weight, but for positive reinforcement that we are liked/loved.  "You look great today.  I love your sweater."  "Great job on the XYZ project."  "Thanks for cooking such a nice dinner." (Yeah, like that last one would ever happen.)  I don't know why I push the envelope all the time.  I do it with everything, come to think of it.  Relationships, taxes, projects at work, design team projects.  I do not like the fact that I'm always finishing things at the last minute, so why do I do it?  Any ideas?  I'm going to bring this up at the monthly group therapy on Thursday.  Maybe those women can tell me why I do what I do. 

Well, it wasn't my intent to get that far into my psyche today, but I did.  I needed to, I guess.  I've been hiding out long enough.  Time to pay the piper.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

November already?

Geez, November already?  Where does the time go?  Unless you're in grade school, time is just flying by.

So here's my breakfast from this morning.  Steel-cut oats, leftover pumpkin smoothie from last night, a big spoonful of plain Greek yogurt and some sweetened coconut.  It was so goooood!   I really wanted some dried cranberries, but we were out.  Better make sure they're on the list for Wednesday's shopping.  I think I will have this for breakfast tomorrow, too.

It's been an interesting week.  I've gone to my first knitting class and learned how to do the basics of making a beanie cap.  Next Saturday is the second, and last class, and we learn about decreasing and finishing off the class.  I am loving knitting.  It gives me time to zone out and get in touch with the voice(s) in my head. 

I am really ready for winter.  I'm ready for the weather to be cold and hopefully, wet.  We really need rain this year.  We've been fortunate enough down here in So Cal so far in not having huge wildfires.  I hope we get through the year without having any.  I'm ready for sweater weather.  It's so weird.  I was NEVER a sweater person because between all the fat insulation I had and my hormones raging, I was never cold, but now after losing over 50 lbs since July, I'm cold all the time.  I wear sweats at home every night after work.  It's so strange to me.  My friend, who had gastric bypass 7 years ago, says it never gets better.  I'll always be cold.  That sucks, but then it could be a lot worse, right?

Speaking of weight loss, I'm doing pretty good.  I'm down to 223.  Wow.  In just for pounds I'll be in the teens.  The weight is coming off slower these days, but I'm ok with that.  I'm just happy I'm still losing.

Hope you had a nice Halloween.  We had less than 50 trick-or-treaters this year.  I guess I'll have to take the rest of the candy to work to get rid of it.  Oh, get this:  As I was buying candy, I found Tootsie Roll Pops in a big bag and they were miniature size.  Like DumDum size or smaller.  Only 9 grams of sugar in 3 pops, which is one serving.  How cool is that?  I've stocked up with a couple of bags to have for the next many, many months.  I don't eat sweets that often, hardly at all now, but if there is something low in sugar, I don't mind splurging once in a while.

That's it for today.