Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Trash Day Weigh-In

Yep, it's trash day guys and gals.  That means one thing: I get to weigh today.  So as the water was heating for my shower this morning, I sprinted upstairs and got out the scale.  Slipped out of my slippers and stood naked on the scale and it said:  212.8.  Yippee!

I am not disappointed with that number at all.  In the last 43 days, I have lost 7 lbs.  For me, that's great, especially with the holiday treats and snacking lately.  My body feels different again.  A lot of my new pants and skirts are hanging on me - again.  Time to buy more.   Ugh!

As much as I love shopping, I'm kind of tired of shopping for clothes these days.  It's hard when you feel so terrific and you go shopping and find that the clothes you SHOULD wear as a 52-year-old woman are just not what you want to wear.  I want to wear fun, flirty clothes, but I don't want to look like a middle-aged tramp.  Need to find a store with fun, trendy clothes for the older woman who feels 25.  Know of a store like that?

I am having a great time buying shoes, however.  I have always loved shoes.  I can remember when I was in middle school when the JC Penney or Sears catalog would arrive in the mail.  I would dig straight to the shoes section and dream of owning all of them.  My Mom never bought me any from the catalog, so all I had were dreams of shoes.  Once I got a job in high school, I started buying myself all kinds of shoes.  Right now I just love buying all kinds of colors with wild embellishments on them.  I am still looking for the perfect pair of red CFM pumps with a 3-4" heel.  Oh yeah, baby!  Someday I'll take a picture of my shoe collection for you. 

So I leave this post feeling sassy and thin.  I'm craving garbanzo beans today for some reason.  Guess I'd better get the hummus from the fridge and snack on that. 

I hope "shoe" have a great day!

Monday, December 28, 2009

I've Got It!

It just hit me today. 
 
I've been trying to think why I've been eating all day every day.  I don't mean overeating, like yesterday, but eating, SNACKING, all day every day.  It's because when I'm hungry, I don't eat until I'm full.  I'm only eating until I've satisfied the urge to eat.  That shit has got to stop.
 
Now that I'm aware of it, I can do something about it.  I was thinking it was just what my stomach wanted, or thought maybe it was just what my eating just is now, but no.  A few months ago, I was eating 3-4 meals a day and I was doing fine.  Something changed and the snacking began.
 
Starting today, I've changed it.  I ate my hummus and pita for breakfast and for lunch I had buffalo meatloaf (can you say YUMMY) and some steamed broccoli.  I have leftover meatloaf and broccoli for another meal or two, too.  I ate until I was comfortably full and not a bite beyond.  I did drink a little tea before and after lunch, but not too much, so my food should stay with me for awhile. 
 
I need to feed my thirst as well.  I'm noticing I'm thirsty more often now for some reason.  I crave something ice cold.  My first reaction is to ignore it since I hate drinking water, but the need to have some liquid in me over-rides that feeling of ignoring it.  I'll get better at the water drinking.  That will definitely help with weight loss, too, since it has slowed down quite a bit these past few months.
 
I'm having a great day.  I feel my eyes are wide open and I'm ready for 2010.  Bring it on, baby!

Terrible Food Day But It's Over

I had a terrible food day yesterday and I have to blog this so I remember that I do have bad days.  That those old food days are still around.
 
I woke up and was not hungry, but wanted my morning coffee and then the food spiral started.  I just ate and ate and ate whatever I wanted.  All day long, every couple of hours, I ate something, and not something good, either.  I ate crackers and cheese.  I ate apple cobbler.  I drank TWO diet sodas in one day.  I ate a chocolate square.  More crackers.  Half a turkey with swiss sandwich.  I just ate and ate and ate. 
 
Thing is, I know why I ate.  I was lonely and bored.  John had to work on this Sunday, but it wasn't because I missed him.  Hey, we've been married 22 years, we're not newlyweds.  So that wasn't it.  I was more lonely from being bored. 
 
I surfed the web for hours while sitting on the couch watching HGTV.  Did that for like 4 hours.  Then I knit for awhile.  More web surfing.  Cleaned out the magazine rack.  Watched a movie.  All boring.  I wanted to be entertained and no one was entertaining me!  LOL   Oh, and I stayed in my jammies all day.  Yes, the same jammies I wore all night the night before, I stayed in all day and then slept in them again!  My husband must think I'm losing it.
 
The last straw eating-wise, was when I had another helping of the apple cobbler after 9pm.  I let my brain go into never-never land and serve up a big portion.  A big portion is approximately 1 cup.  That's big for me.  So I ate and ate until I could feel my stomach start to get sick.  Then I took another bite.  Ugh.  Then another.  Finally, I stopped because I didn't want to throw up.  Is that my breaking point now?  Keeping myself from throwing up?  Hmmm.
 
Thing is, as I was eating all day, I never ate to fullness.  Only snacked on things.  A bite here, a nibble there.  Not that that was good or better.  No!  I was just stuffing feelings with little bits of food.  What I should've done was go for a walk or something, but then that would've meant I had to get out of my warm jammies.  I know I would've felt better, but I just didn't want to do it.  I can't even say what I was feeling other than boredom or loneliness.  Is that enough of a reason to eat?  I need to stay away from those feelings, that's for sure. 
 
Oh and before I forget:  I took a lot of little naps yesterday.  I'm trying to figure out what food makes me so sleepy.  Is it the sugar?  The carbs?  I don't know, but whatever it is, it makes me so sleepy that I can't help but fall asleep.  I must've taken 4 or 5 little (30 minute) naps during the day.  Is this a form of dumping?  I will ask the surgeon on my visit on January 12.
 
So here we are, 24 hours later and I'm much better.  I'm working on my morning coffee and I'm not even hungry yet.  No desire to snack today.  Except for blogging about food, I'm not even thinking about it.  Of course, I'm at work and that helps, but still. 
 
I'm not scared that the one day of mindless eating will become a habit.  No, I know better than that.  I know my resources and my support.  If I find myself slipping more than a day, I will call in the troops. 
 

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Here's what's bugging me

Wait, before we get to what's bugging me, let's get the weight thing off the list:  214.4 as of yesterday.  That's a good thing.  Yes, I know it wasn't trash day, but I felt different so I weighed myself. 

Ok, so here's the THING.  Big big white elephant in the room.  My room.  I don't believe in Christmas.  Well, wait, only the pagan part of Christmas.  I don't believe in Jesus, Mary or Joseph, Muhammad or any other religious icon.  I just don't believe.  There, I said it.  I am agnostic.  I believe there is something out there that helps guide the universe, but not a religious person/icon/whatever.  I can't put my faith in something that I really honestly don't believe in.  OMG the roof did not cave in when I said that.

When I hear the religious Christmas songs, I cannot sing along.  Years ago, my favorite song was O Holy Night and that was only because my Dad used to sing it or better yet, whistle to it and that made me feel good inside.  Not the words or the meaning of the song, but my Dad doing what he did. 

It's hard for me to say I don't believe in Jesus because there are some people that will say, "I'll pray for you."  Please don't.  Will that "save" me?  Will that keep me from going to "hell"??  I don't think so.  I believe that living a full, honest life will get you good karma in the next life.  That when I die, I want to be able to feel that I've done a good job with the life and the body that I've been given, and if I haven't, then I guess I'll have to come back and do it over again. 

I'm not such a non-believer that I think your religion is bogus.  Nope.  If you believe with your whole heart that what your church is teaching you, then I'm happy for you.  Really.  It's just not for me. 

It's so free-ing to be able to say that I don't believe in God, and the thing is, if you do and you feel badly for me, so be it.  We can still coexist with religious differences.  I only wish the world could have the same understanding and just live together instead of fighting wars over who's God is the highest trump card.

All that being said, it makes me feel good inside.  Like I've let go of a bad habit.  Like if I was a smoker or drinker and I no longer smoke or drink.  It doesn't have a hold on me any longer.  Like I'm no longer tied to food as a crutch, I don't need religion the same way. I feel FREE!

This does tie back in to the food issue.  I've had to let go of some pretty awesome habits, and now I've had the courage to let this one go, too.  Love it.  Like I don't have to have religion to be a whole person.  I don't need all that food as comfort when I can comfort myself without it.  Same with religion.

So on to Christmas we go.  I'll sing about Frosty and Rudolph and you can sing about Jesus or your God or whomever you pray to.  Just enjoy the holiday as a time to be with family and eat some fudge.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Size Does Matter




Today is Thursday.  That means yesterday was trash day.  I weighed in at 215.  OMG, do you know how long it's been since I've weighed 215?  No?  Me, neither. 

And guess what I did today?  I got my fanny into a SIZE 18 JEANS!!  Yes, they are a little bit snug, but they fit and they look good.  When I look in the mirror, I can't believe that my hips shrunk enough to squeeze into regular jeans.  I've been wearing elastic-waist pants for so long, it's almost weird to have button and zipper pants again.

So what did this new pants size do to my brain?  Amazing things.  I feel "normal".  I feel like, and I CAN, fit into anything in my drawers and closet.  You know how it is, you have clothes of different sizes in your closet for when you gain a few pounds or lose a few.  I know.  I've been there.

My weight hovered around 221 for so long that I thought I was going to stay there.  I was feeling a bit discouraged, but not overly so.  I mean after losing over 50 lbs so quickly after surgery, it is disappointing to stay at a certain weight for about a month.  Ugh.

I didn't know what to do to make the weight start coming off again, so I went to the message boards at thinnertimes.com and read what the other people did when it happened to them.  They did anything from going back to basics (very small, soft foods, frequent meals) to increasing exercise to eating more to stimulate the body.  I honestly tried a few days of each to see what I felt comfortable doing and then, probaby coincidentally, my weight started dropping again.  Whatever it was that stimulated the weight loss, great!

I know size 18 is not model size, but I feel like a model today.  I feel so ALIVE today.  Is it because of the 18 moment?  Maybe.  Maybe it's all about being 215.  I don't know.  All I know is SIZE DOES MATTER today and I feel great. 

If you want to see the BEFORE pictures, click HERE.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Incredulous!

Today is trash day.  The day I get to weigh.  I got on the scale and my jaw dropped.  I got off the scale and then back on "just in case" the scale goofed the weight the first time.  I weigh 217!

I was stuck in the 221-224 range for a couple of months and I was getting tired of it.  Plateaus are no fun and tries my patience.  So what changed?

Me.  There must've been some life lesson that was keeping me in that weight range and as soon as I acknowledged "I don't know what lesson I need to learn or what is keeping me here, but I acknowledge you and want to move on" it, then the weight dropped off.  Four pounds of it.

I'm so happy today.  I want to remember this feeling.  I will remember this feeling when the next plateau hits and remind myself that the feeling will be back.

For now, I'm off to buy some new shoes (nice reward, right?) and will exercise my tushie off on the bike tonight. 

TTFN!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Trash Day update

Down to 220.4 today. 

I'm feeling better about myself these days.  Feeling like I'm on the downward weight journey again.  My body was holding on to something, but I don't know what.  Never really did figure it out.  Lots of speculation, but nothing hit me like the AHA moment, you know?  I guess I just needed to feel those feelings and now I can move on.  Not sure, but at least my outlook is better.

I went to the Acupunctist/Massage Therapist yesterday for my frozen right shoulder, and he told me I looked SKINNY!  Wow, I haven't heard that in ages!  That helped boost my mood even more.  I felt so good after that and my shoulder is getting better, too.

I've decided to go back to basics.  That means eat when I'm only really hungry.  (I've been eating by the clock instead of hunger these days.)  Drink lots of fluids.  (I'm terrible about drinking any types of fluids.  I'm always in a state of dehydration.)  Get more exercise.  I've been riding the bike albeit occasionally, but I've been riding it.  Need to get back in touch with my stomach and my physical body feelings instead of being in my head all the time.  Just like right after surgery.  No choice but to pay attention to the physical because it has changed so much. 

Having a great day.  Going grocery shopping now and then I'm off work until Monday.  I plan on taking advantage of the beautiful, warm weather and being outside a lot.  No shopping for me.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Who invited HER?!

I'm feeling fat.  Very fat.  Embarrassed.  Don't want to be seen.  Want to hide behind my clothes again.
Why?  I don't know.  I've thought and thought but can't figure out what the deal is.

I weighed myself last week and I was down to 221.  OMG, yes, 221, but instead of feeling terrific about that, I felt shame.  Hell, I weighed two hundred and twenty one pounds!  That's a lot!  I should weigh much, much less than that!  My brain didn't think, "but you used to weigh 290 pounds and 221 pounds is a helluva lot less than that", but no, Ms. Negative got in there first and said, "you suck".

Where the hell did she come from?  I was sailing along just fine without her.  I was feeling great dressing all girly-girl and feeling like I was a woman again, and then she showed up.  Who invited her to the party??   She is a major downer on my parade and I want her gone!  Thing is, she's not making any moves to leave just yet.  Hmmm.  How do I get her out of here??

What is it about that number on the scale that made her come back?  Did I have major issues when I weighed 221 before?  I believe our bodies store feelings and memories in our fat and muscles and when we get to a certain weight, pull a certain muscle or hurt ourselves in a certain area, those feelings or memories come back to the surface.  Yeah, that's all touchy-feely, but I believe that.  So, given those facts, what is it about this size body at 221 pounds, am I holding on to? 

Let's see...  when was the last time I weighed 221?  Probably about 23 years ago.  I lost a bunch of weight before John and I got married.  How much did I start out weighing?  OMG about 220 pounds!  I got down to 170 on our wedding day.  Right after we got married, I started to pig out.  Oh baby, did I pig out!  I was up to 200 pounds in like 3 months.  No shit.  I remember staying there for a short time and then the weight just crept up and up and up.

So what is it then?  Is the 220 a breaking point of some type?  Is it a memory of "holy shit you are fat and you'd better lose weight if you want to make John want/love you".  Whoa.  Want/love?  Is that it?  Am I afraid to go forward and lose weight because that means acceptance?  Why would that be a deterrant?  I don't feel that consciously.  Not sure that's the reason.  Is it a memory of leaving the past and moving on to something new?  Hmm.  Not sure about that, either.

There is some memory inside that is making me feel this way and I've got to get it out.  It's dragging me down big time and I don't like it one bit.  Time to call the therapist because this is beyond me.  I really am struggling with this and I can't seem to get it out of my head. 

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Why do I push that envelope??

To weigh myself and I'm 223 today, trash day.

I'm happy to have lost weight consistently, but I'm also disappointed that it isn't coming off more quickly.  I've tried writing down everything I eat and drink and make sure to count up the proteins and calories.  From that, I've determined I'm eating right around 1,000 calories a day but only 20-25 grams of protein, max.  That is not enough protein.  Maybe my body needs more protein to do whatever it does to metabolize fat?  I've never really understood the whole "eat this and this and this if you want to make it turn into a fat burner" thing.  I really just don't care.  I just want someone to say, "Don't eat this, or eat this and you will lose weight". 

I need guidelines.  Big ones.  Give me an inch and I take the mile, you know?  "Ok, so you can eat a little bit of sugar."  Ha!  I eat a little, and the next thing you know, I've eaten the whole sugary thing, you know?  I know myself.  I know that I will ignore the little voice in my head that says "enough already" and will just continue eating or drinking.  I am an addict.  A food addict and a sugar addict.  I don't believe that will ever change, but I can do something about it. 

I can learn to choose the right things to eat.  In moderation.  I can also choose to eat more of something if that's what I need.  Like protein.  I have to make myself take my pills every day.  I hate taking pills and I conveniently forget to take them.  Bad, very bad.  I have been "forgetting" to eat enough protein and to take my multivitamins and calcium every day.  My hair is falling out.  Not in bunches, but every day, all day, I find many, many hairs in the sink and on the desk.  I am saddened by this because it is my doing, but do I remember to take my pills and eat the protein?  No.  Why is that?  Do I not care enough about myself or am I really still the same person I was when I was 290 lbs and just waited for the other shoe to drop: the heart attack, diabetes, hypertension.  Why must I always push the envelope?

Do I think it makes people pay more attention to me?  Am I looking for attention?  We all want a certain amount of attention in our lives.  Not just for accolades for losing weight, but for positive reinforcement that we are liked/loved.  "You look great today.  I love your sweater."  "Great job on the XYZ project."  "Thanks for cooking such a nice dinner." (Yeah, like that last one would ever happen.)  I don't know why I push the envelope all the time.  I do it with everything, come to think of it.  Relationships, taxes, projects at work, design team projects.  I do not like the fact that I'm always finishing things at the last minute, so why do I do it?  Any ideas?  I'm going to bring this up at the monthly group therapy on Thursday.  Maybe those women can tell me why I do what I do. 

Well, it wasn't my intent to get that far into my psyche today, but I did.  I needed to, I guess.  I've been hiding out long enough.  Time to pay the piper.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

November already?


Geez, November already?  Where does the time go?  Unless you're in grade school, time is just flying by.

So here's my breakfast from this morning.  Steel-cut oats, leftover pumpkin smoothie from last night, a big spoonful of plain Greek yogurt and some sweetened coconut.  It was so goooood!   I really wanted some dried cranberries, but we were out.  Better make sure they're on the list for Wednesday's shopping.  I think I will have this for breakfast tomorrow, too.

It's been an interesting week.  I've gone to my first knitting class and learned how to do the basics of making a beanie cap.  Next Saturday is the second, and last class, and we learn about decreasing and finishing off the class.  I am loving knitting.  It gives me time to zone out and get in touch with the voice(s) in my head. 

I am really ready for winter.  I'm ready for the weather to be cold and hopefully, wet.  We really need rain this year.  We've been fortunate enough down here in So Cal so far in not having huge wildfires.  I hope we get through the year without having any.  I'm ready for sweater weather.  It's so weird.  I was NEVER a sweater person because between all the fat insulation I had and my hormones raging, I was never cold, but now after losing over 50 lbs since July, I'm cold all the time.  I wear sweats at home every night after work.  It's so strange to me.  My friend, who had gastric bypass 7 years ago, says it never gets better.  I'll always be cold.  That sucks, but then it could be a lot worse, right?

Speaking of weight loss, I'm doing pretty good.  I'm down to 223.  Wow.  In just for pounds I'll be in the teens.  The weight is coming off slower these days, but I'm ok with that.  I'm just happy I'm still losing.

Hope you had a nice Halloween.  We had less than 50 trick-or-treaters this year.  I guess I'll have to take the rest of the candy to work to get rid of it.  Oh, get this:  As I was buying candy, I found Tootsie Roll Pops in a big bag and they were miniature size.  Like DumDum size or smaller.  Only 9 grams of sugar in 3 pops, which is one serving.  How cool is that?  I've stocked up with a couple of bags to have for the next many, many months.  I don't eat sweets that often, hardly at all now, but if there is something low in sugar, I don't mind splurging once in a while.

That's it for today.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

In a moment of clarity



Goober says:  "What?  I'm not supposed to be up here??"


I may be on to something here.

My last post showed my weight loss.  About 6 lbs in the last month, right?  After my visit with the surgeon and asking him about my weight loss slowing down, I started to think a bit, especiall since he said my weight should still be coming off about 10 lbs a month now. 

So I started thinking, "what has changed?  What have I done that's different?"  Well, my food choices have changed.  Since I've been able to eat a little more at a sitting I've been making new food choices.  I've actually branched out into the artificial sweetener arena.  I never went there before because nutrasweet is NOT my friend.  Gives me migraines.  So, I choose foods and drinks with Splenda.  I've been eating more quantity-wise and drinking more drinks sweetened with Splenda.  Hmmm.  I'm beginning to think that the reports may be right.  Those reports, which I'm too lazy to look up and link, say that just because a food/drink is sweetened with artificial sweeteners doesn't make it healthy.  Those reports also said that too many artificial sweeteners can make you fat. 

Armed with that information, I am going to cut out the artificial sweeteners now and see what happens in the next month.  I'll give up my 10 calorie waters and my diet cinnamon-flavored oatmeal amongst other foods and see if the weight doesn't come off easier.  I'll add in my smoothies and juices occasionally since I've slacked off in that area.

Another thought:  In the past month or so, I've noticed my thinking is clouded.  It's harder for me to keep two thoughts together sometimes.  Hard to concentrate.  Think it's the sweeteners?  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just losing my mind, but it's interesting to think about.  I'm very sensitive to medication doses, so maybe I'm uber sensitive to sweeteners, too. 

I'll do some changing and report back on this in a month.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Crossing Over

No, I am not dying.
 
I feel like I'm at a cross-over point.  Like I am finally leaving the obese Debbie behind and moving towards the slimmer Debbie.  It's weird how just a number, my weight, makes such a difference in how I see myself.  Here are my weights from the last month:
 
09/16/09        232.0
09/26/09        229.4
10/11/09        228.0
10/20/09        225.8
 
My body is changing and I'm now realizing that my brain is a little behind.  Until today, I felt like I had the same mentality of the Debbie of pre-surgery.  Like I still "thought" of things as I did before, but today, TODAY, feels different.  Maybe it's because the scale said 225.  Only 26 lbs until I get to One-derland, you know that?  I haven't been there in 22 years!  That's a long time to be over 200 lbs.
 
I'm feeling like I'm a "normal" person.  I can shop in regular stores now.  Old Navy is my friend.  They carry my sizes:  20 in pants and 18 (or XL!) in tops and dresses.  I am so thrilled with that.  No more fat lady stores!  I can wear cute, stylish clothes now.  I am going a bit crazy with the shopping, though.  It's so much fun that I have to stop myself from buying a whole new wardrobe at this size, so I buy a some tops and some pants and hope that will get me through this weight for awhile.  
 
I had my 3-month appointment with the surgeon today.  We talked about the diarrhea which most likely is a lactose intolerance thing.  Maybe hidden milk products in foods I'm eating.  Ok, I can deal with that.  He asked about my iron levels and if I'm taking my multivits and yes, I remember to take them occasionally.  I also forget to take the daily B1 and the weekly B12.  I'm just terrible at taking pills.  I can remember the morning pills because I take them when I brush my teeth, but the ones later in the day, not so much.  Maybe I'll take the vitamins after I brush my teeth at night.  Maybe that's a good reminder.  I swear, I can be so juvenile sometimes.
 
Along the thought of iron, he asked about menopause and periods and since I haven't had a period since 1988, I'm good there, but I said I thought my iron was ok since I passed the finger prick test when I gave blood.  He says, "You gave blood?!"  Um, oops.  He said it is very difficult for gastric bypass patients to keep their iron levels up to normal and when you give blood, it depletes the iron or severely lowers it and it is very difficult to build up the iron levels again.  Oh crap!  I had no idea.  He says find another way to help out.  Ok, doc, I'll do that.  Sorry, but why wasn't I told this before?  Maybe they told us and I forgot, but still...
 
So mentally, how am I doing?  Ok.  Just ok.  I've taken a break from interacting with psychological things to get my into my head and hear myself.  Feel myself.  Not literally, but inside me.  I'm really trying to get in touch with ME.  How food makes me feel, why I feel the way I am feeling at that very moment.  I've been so out of touch for so long, I really need this.  I think I am about done with being by myself because I'm missing the friends I've cut out for this little while.  I didn't cut them out because they were bad, it's because they were part of my past and I needed to just be current.  Does that make sense?  I adore my friends and couldn't live without them, but I needed a mental break.  I know they understand and I'm now ready to join the world again.
 
What a journey this has been so far.  I so needed this.  I feel like I'm starting a new life and it is wonderful!!
 
 

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Can You Hear Me Now?!

I feel like my stomach and my brain are at war and no one is listening to the other one.

I've had some really good weeks, but these past two or three have been a semi-hell.  All of a sudden I found I could eat a little more at a sitting and that has made brain happy.  Closer to eating like the old days, only not so much and not as junky eating, just more quantity.  Then stomach decides that isn't such a good idea and it rebels.

So I've had this thing now for the 2-3 weeks of stomach pain, the over-full feeling with food backed up into my esophagus and mild discontent (brain).  The stomach knows it has more acreage and just doesn't want to share with brain.  So how do I get bossy brain to back off and give me some peace?

I've decided to go back to basics.  Less foods, blander foods and eat more often instead of the 4 hour schedule I was on.  That seems to be working.  Somewhat.  Brain still wants more food.  Brain even thinks it can eat sugar, but stomach says NO!  Stomach says, well, I'll let you eat sugar, but I won't actually give you a big sugar dump in the sense of hurting and incapacitating you.  No, I'll just make you tired as hell.  Make you want to sleep like RIGHT NOW!  Let me tell you, this plan does not work.

I don't like this war.  Who would?  I have to work out a plan to make brain and stomach work peaceably together.  I need a mediator.  Need to get back to counseling more often.  Need to listen to stomach more than brain.  Who says the brain is the smartest anyways?  Certainly not stomach.

I think part of this semi-hell I'm in is because I'm not talking to anyone about it.  Not sharing how I feel.  Getting feedback.  I don't tell people that I feel crappy, that I have food backed up into my esophagus and it hurts like hell.  Who wants to hear a complainer especially when they really can't do anything about it?  I don't want to be a complainer so I keep it to myself. 

I have an appt with the surgeon next week, and I will talk to him about this for sure.  Just when I thought things were going along so smoothly, this happens.  So weird.  Maybe it's normal at this stage in the game, I don't know.  I'll find out.

On a more positive note, I'm down to 228 and I'm in smaller clothes again.  Yay.  I'm down to a 20 in pants and an 18 in the top.  I just got another couple of bags of clothes from Johanna and I can fit into almost everything she gave me.  I know those clothes were too big for her because yowza, you should've seen her in her smaller black leather pants and bustier last night.  Oooh-la-la!  She says the bustier is coming my way soon.  Holy moley!  I hope it looks as good on me as it did on her. 

Going to feed stomach now and make brain take a time out.

Monday, October 5, 2009

How do you see yourself?

I don't mean, "I see myself as a loving, giving person".  I mean, "I see myself as a fit, but overweight person".  I'm talking in the physical sense of seeing.
 
When I was more overweight than I am now, I would look in the mirror and yes, I'd see myself - all my rolls and wideness (is that a word?) and puffiness.  Yes, I'd see the physical part, but I still felt like a thin person.  Oh, I knew wearing a size 24 dress was for obese women, yet I still felt thinner in my mind.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?
 
I'm not saying I was in denial about who large I was/am, but rather I felt/feel like a thin person inside.  I know there's a thin woman in there somewhere!  I look back at pictures of me taken in social situations and now I am amazed/apalled.  How could I let myself get so large?  I didn't feel so large when I was there.  I mean, ok, 290 is LARGE, but I didn't feel so LARGE all the time.  In my mind, I was overweight, but not LARGE  -  until I saw the pictures. 
 
Could it be that I had unconsciously edited my physical being from myself?  Is that denial or was it a way to cope?  In group therapy, one of our assignments was to look at ourselves naked in the mirror.  Really look at ourselves.  There were those in the group that could not look at themselves at the beginning but eventually, they did.  They may not have liked what they saw, but they LOOKED.  That's my point.  I think.  We LOOK, not just see and move on. 
 
So now at 230 lbs, do I look different naked?  Of course I do.  I'm 60 lbs lighter!  Do I like how I look?  Well, it's getting better.  My stomach is definitely smaller and my butt is smaller.  Clothes sizes are smaller.  Today I feel pretty terrific.  I have clothes on that fit and look nice on my body.  Do I like what I see?  Yes.  BUT.
 
BUT I am still a large person by society and health standards.  Yes, I still have thunder thighs, yes I still have a poochy stomach (who wouldn't at 230 lbs?), yes, my arms are flappy (ewww), but I feel great.  I just cannot get complacent with this feeling.  Why?  Because I was complacent at 290, too. 
 
I need to stay deeply in touch with the physical part of my body.  I need to be aware of how my body is changing.  I WANT to be more fit and healthy, so I need to not get comfortable with how I am right now.  I struggle with this all this time, I hope this isn't as confusing to you as it is to me. 
 
I am comfortable in my own skin, yes.  I am comfortable sunbathing in the nude.  I don't think that is so much about showing a body as it is being comfortable who you are.  We all have scars or rolls or fat or excess body hair.  Whatever.  It's what makes us US, it doesn't define us.  It's just the body we were given. 
 
I wish I could define what I'm trying to say.  I wish I had a word for it, but I don't.  This is such a mental game.  I don't stress over it, I just try to accept it.  Anyone who says gastric bypass is the easy way out to lose weight should have their head examined.  Literally.
 

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

It's the little things

This is the second post of the day.  I guess I have a lot to say today.
 
This past weekend, we went to the hubby's company picnic.  We took John's truck.  It's a big F-150 with big comfy leather seats.  I keep my purse between my feet on the floor and I found I needed something from my purse.  Without thinking, I bent down and picked up my purse.  So what you say?  Yeah, me too, until I realized that I did it effortlessly.  I didn't have to unbuckle the seatbelt or maneuver the purse with my feet until I could raise it up so I could reach it.  I just reached down and got it.  Wow.  That's a biggee for me.  I was too big before to reach over my belly to get anything from the floor.  Yay for that one. 
 
The other thing I found out that same day:  I was sitting in my folding chair, you know the kind: the canvas ones with the sling backs?  I usually dread those chairs because I'm always afraid I'm going to break it when I sit in it because I'm so heavy.  So there I was, sitting in that chair.  I was reading a book and I crossed my legs.  I don't mean crossed them at the ankles, I crossed them at the knee - one leg over the other.  Holy shit, Batman!  I was amazed!  I was thrilled!  I mentioned this to John and he did the nice husband supportive thing, but I don't know that he really understood how happy that made me.  That is a biggee! 
 
I really do need to blog these things because I will forget them later on.  Baby steps, you know?  Kind of like when you  have kids and your kid does something really cute and you think you'll always remember that thing, but you don't.  You have to write it down.  In detail.  I'm sure my details probably bore you sometimes (all the time?) but hey, this is my blog/journal.  I'm just glad you're here reading and being there for me.

Trash Day

It's trash day and I'm "allowed" to get on the scale.  I say "allowed" because the NP told me that I was weighing myself too much and relying on the numbers as opposed to how I felt.  I was allowing the numbers to dictate how I was eating.  So today, trash day, I weighed myself.  I was 230.2 today.  No, I wasn't upset that I was up a pound from last week.  It's just a pound.  I'm not freaking out.
 
Here's what I've noticed in the last week, though.  My body is getting smaller.  I am losing inches.  Noticeably.  The thing is, I'm getting flabby.  I don't know that I've ever been flabby.  Overweight, yes, flabby, no.  I can grab a handful of fat now (around my waistline) and it jiggles.  When I was heavier, it was just solid fat, not jiggly fat.  Do you know what I'm talking about?  Jiggly, people!  I do not care for jiggly!!
 
I have the bat wings.  I never wanted those.  Who does?  I have jiggly tummy and jiggly thighs.  Oh, don't even get me started on my thighs.  I'm very upset about those.  I LOVE wearing shorts year-round and I do not want to stop wearing them because my thighs are jiggly.  Oh, and I've got chicken neck now.  Yikes!  Crepey, wrinkly skin on my neck.  Ack!  Is that age or is is rapid weight loss?  I don't know, but I don't like it.
 
So, the answer?  It's right there in front of my nose - I need to work out.  And hard.  I need to start toning those muscles so that the flabby parts go away.  I need to start burning more fat and building more muscle.  I have a gym membership so why don't I use it?  I WILL use it.  I've been lazy about going to the gym.  Would rather just go home and knit than work out, but the harsh reality is that I have jiggly fat and I want that gone more than knitting. 
 
And those of you who are wondering what all that looks like naked, forget about it.  You know who you are.  I'm not taking pics. 

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I learned something

A lot, if not all, gastric bypass patients are put on medication for excess stomach acid after surgery.  The stomach continues to produce lots of stomach acid even though there is only a small stomach to protect, therefore, excess stomach acid.  After my go-round in the ER for dehydration and stomach pain, I talked to the Nurse Practitioner in the surgeon's office and she told me that I probably needed more antacid medication.  She doubled my dose and I've been fine ever since.  Almost.
 
Once in awhile, I get in a rush in the mornings and I forget to take my meds, including the probiotics/antacids.  I've noticed those days, I feel more "hungry".  I find I'm feeding that "hunger" and it's not hunger at all.  It's the stomach acid grumbling around in there.  If I look/feel beyond the "hunger" I realize I'm not hungry at all, that I've just eaten and I couldn't possibly be hungry.  The old tapes in my head would say that the stomach feels hungry, so eat!  Ah, but it's not hunger at all. 
 
I need to be more diligent about taking my stomach pills.  I feel more even food-wise when I do.  I also don't want to slip into those bad habits about eating all the time, either. 
 
This surgery is not just a physical adjustment, it really is a mental one, too.  A BIG mental adjustment.  I think if I don't pay attention to the little things along the way, that I'd fall right back into the old habits and my surgery would be unsuccessful.  What a shame that would be.  My surgery cost the insurance company over $70,000 and I sure wouldn't want that money wasted.  I'm sure they wouldn't want it wasted, either. 
 
So I continue with the daily check-in's to my brain and my stomach and I continue with group therapy.  It's the only way I can figure to make this a success.
 
Picture updates coming soon.  Oh, and tomorrow is trash day.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Brain vs Stomach

Things are changing, yes they are. 

I'm finding that I'm becoming more and more comfortable with my food.  I'm more comfortable with eating less, even though I fill my plate like I did before.  I'm ok with the reality that I cannot eat the whole plate of food.  I stop when I'm almost full and I'm ok with that, too.  I'm not eating to satisfy my brain, I'm satisfying my stomach now.  It's a weird change, but a good one. 

I've been eating what I call mainstream food.  I'm not worried about eating only protein or veggies, no carbs, etc.  I'm just eating what I want.  Really, I don't eat that much, so why stress about eating "clean".  By "clean" I mean that I would eat a basic protein, grilled chicken, for example and then either a salad or a veggie.  No sauces, no spices.  I don't know why I got on that kick, but I did.  I would eat most of my meals that way and thought that's what I had to do to eat right.  Where does my brain get that?  I don't know.  I thought that if I restricted my food in that way that I would lose weight.  I'm finding I put so many unrealistic restrictions on myself that there is no way I could possibly live like that.  I set myself up to fail.  Why? 

Hard to get rid of all that old shit in my brain.  In the past, in trying to lose weight, I'd try stuff like that.  It's impossible to follow for a long time.  Like the Atkins diet.  Easy enough to follow for a week, but a lifetime?  Hell no.  Too restrictive.  So why did I let my brain tell me that it was ok to eat like that after surgery?  I don't know.  I tell you, this surgery does a number on your head.  So much of this has to do with how you think about your relationship with food, not just how much or what you eat.  So now I eat what I want and I just stop when I'm almost full.  It's working.

Oh, and I'm down to 229.4!  I'm in the 220's and I can hardly believe it.  I'm feeling like a normal person these days.  I can wear smaller clothes and I feel like I can move better and I definitely feel better.  Only 29 more pounds to reach my goal of under 200 by Christmas.  I'm sure I can do it!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Coping - or not

I guess I don't cope with frustration very well.
 
Yesterday was a good day at work, so no frustration there.  Cindy and I went to the yarn store at lunch and I got new needles and yarn to make a vest.  Cindy has been teaching me how to knit and I am loving it!  She is a great teacher and a great inspiration.  She thinks I will succumb to spinning my own yarn.  Yeah right.  We'll see about that.
 
So, once all the chores were done once I got home, I sat myself down and started knitting.  I was just knitting to check for gauge, so nothing that stressful, right?  Wrong.  New metal circular needles, new yarn, struggling with the actual process.  Dropping stitches, uneven rows, which way do I wrap the yarn?  What the heck is going on?
 
This is food-related, so hang in there.
 
I tore out the first sample, and the second sample and the THIRD.  I was becoming very frustrated.  I gave up knitting for the evening (or so I thought) and headed upstairs to check out what was happening on Facebook, but before I went up there, I stopped in the kitchen for a little something sweet to eat.  By this point, I knew I was giving in to the alternate food personality and was going to binge.  I considered the apples in the bin, but no.  Then I saw the low-sugar cookies in the baggie.  Yes!  Only 5 cookies left.  I can eat those!
 
These cookies are a chocolate-filled cookie.  Only 5 grams of sugar per cookie.  I've had one here and there with no problems at all, and was satisfied with only one cookie, but did I only grab one cookie?  Nope, I grabbed the whole bag and headed upstairs, fully aware of the fact that I was going to eat them all.
 
So why didn't I stop myself?  I didn't want to.  I wanted to drown my frustration in food, sugar to be exact.  I deserved to binge because I was frustrated.  That was my old pattern.  Frustration = eat = sugar.  It's kind of like I disconnected from reality when I made that decision.  I knew it was a bad decision, but I let myself go for it anyways.  "Hell, what's 5 grams of sugar times 5 cookies?  Only 25 grams of sugar.  Who cares if I dump?  I'm going to bed anyways.  I can just sleep it off."  Those were some of the thoughts racing through my head.
 
So I sat at the desk eating cookies and after the third one, I started to feel sick.  Not dumping sick, just sick.  My stomach was over-full (I had been drinking iced tea) but I reached into the baggie and pulled out the fourth cookie and ate it.  Now I'm really feeling sick and extremely sleepy all of a sudden.  There was no way I was going to be able to physically handle the fifth cookie, so I went downstairs to go to bed.
 
As I'm getting ready for bed, I feel myself check back in to reality.  My brain felt like it was disengaging from the alternate personality.  I made myself check in with my body as well as my mind.  I did not like what I felt.  I really felt as if I'd let myself down.  Why, oh why, did I let myself slip into that alter ego and do what I did?  Because I'm human and bad habits are hard to break, that's why.
 
I didn't beat myself up.  I just told myself that that was a very quick and real learning experience and went to bed.  In the past (before gastric bypass surgery), once I came to my senses while on the frustration eating binge, I would have said, " fuck it, I've already messed up, why not just finish up the cookies?"  Not this time.  No more. 
 
Not only is my body not physically able to handle the huge food load of a binge as before, but I'm finding that I'm connecting back from the binge personality quicker.  Sometimes I'm able to stop it before it starts.  The feeling of wanting to succeed after this surgery is stronger than anything I've ever felt for a long time.  I do not want to ever weigh as much as I did before.  Ever!  I am learning to deal with the demons as they appear in my life without pushing them away with food binges.  It's a slow process, but I am feeling really good about how I'm dealing with it.
 
I did knit a bit after I got in bed.  I still made mistakes and got frustrated, but I was still so sick from the 4-cookie binge that it served as a reminder that food is not a substitute for coping.  I just put down the needles and went to sleep.
 
I can see that knitting is quickly becoming my current obsession.  Is that such a bad thing?

Monday, September 21, 2009

Clothes

I'm feeling much thinner these days.  Oh no, I don't feel SKINNY, but I am really feeling the weight loss now.  I'm now in 18 tops and 20 or 22 bottoms.  I feel like my clothes actually FIT now instead of me just wearing them.  I've vowed no more baggy clothes!  I'm not going to hide myself behind fabric anymore.
 
I spent the better part of Sunday cleaning out drawers and closets.  I found I was holding on to some short-sleeved shirts for whatever reason so I took those off the hangers and put them in the recycle bag.  I'm thinking I was saving them for over-shirts but hey, they're too big in the first place, why put on an even bigger shirt?  Makes no sense.  I bagged up 3 bags of clothes to pass along to my friend.  That makes 9 or 10 big garbage bags of clothes already.  Wow, only 2.5 months post-op (42 pounds lost) and I've got 10 bags of clothes to get rid of?  Amazing! 
 
I have a friend that has been on her own weight loss journey and she is graciously donating her larger clothes to me.  How fantastic is that?  She's a few sizes ahead of me, so it works great, plus, she shops and the most fun stores, so I'm getting some fun, trendy clothes. 
 
Know what I realized when I was going through my clothes?  At my heaviest, I had become a frump.  I wore stretch pants and baggy tops to cover what I had become.  No fun dresses, no fancy blouses.  Boring colors and fabrics.  Now that I've got my closet organized, guess what's in there?  Dresses!  Skirts!  Fun blouses!  Yes, I am a girly-girl.  Always have been.  So what happened when I got fat?  Oh, the girly-girl was there, she was just hidden.  I didn't feel too girly with all that extra weight.  I am so excited to be able to wear dresses again.  Jean skirts with fun short- or long-sleeved blouses, maybe with a sweater.  Dresses with scarves and even some high heels.  Oh yes, I do love me some shoes, too!
 
Oh and jewelry!  I have a jewelry box full of fun stuff that I stopped wearing.  Too much effort?  Didn't feel pretty enough?  No, I think I just didn't care enough about my appearance before to accessorize, but now, NOW!  Back to those sparkly, garish pins I have.  Get out those fun, dangly earrings!  The rings that would make a drag queen weep!
 
Watch out, world, the diva is BACK!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

It's Trash Day!

Since I weighed on Monday, I wasn't going to weigh today, but hey, it's trash day, so whatever.  I weighed and I'm down to 232.2!!  Can I get a HELL YEAH!?
 
I think I need to update my progressive pictures.  I wonder if I'll look any different?  I'm thinking, YES!  I feel so much better now, how could I not look thinner?  LOL  Today, I'm wearing a very fitted dress.  Yes, I still have a stomach, but I feel sexy.  Thank goodness for Spanx, ya know?  heehee 
 
As I'm sitting here and I look down my body, I can tell that a hell of a lot of my stomach fat is gone.  I can sit closer to the desk now.  I don't have to lean back to sit in my chair and fit at my desk.  When I walk and look down my body, all I see are boobs now.  I used to see my stomach stick out farther than the boobs.  Baaaad.  I may never have a flat stomach, but at least I won't look pregnant, either.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Food is not my friend today

Nor was it yesterday or the day before that. 
 
Oh, I'm eating, it's just that it seems whatever I'm eating makes me feel too full or bloated.  Not a good feeling either way.  I just had about 6 almonds for a snack.  I chewed them each until they were the consistency of baby cereal and still my stomach hurts.  I've had almonds before, so it's not a nut issue.
 
I brought an egg and bacon burrito for breakfast today.  I didn't eat it until lunch because one of the ladies brought in zucchini bread for the morning meeting.  I had one thin slice of that with a little cream cheese and I was ok.  For a while.  Then the grouchy stomach kicked in.  Straight to the bathroom I went.  Ugh. 
 
For lunch, I heated about 1/3 of the burrito and ate some of the egg and bacon part before my stomach did flip-flops.  The flour tortilla tends to stick in my stomach too long so I avoid it.  The egg and bacon was not a good food choice, either. 
 
So now here I sit with water.  Just water.  I need to keep hydrated because this is the pattern I got into before with the dehydration and the hospital visit.  The icky, sometimes semi-painful stomach makes me not want to eat or drink and so it goes. 
 
I can really tell the size of my stomach now.  Even though I can eat more than I could a month ago, it's still small.  Very small.  I am reminded of that fact every time I eat one bite too many.  Oh the pain!  My stomach feels tight and it feels like the food is still in my esophagus waiting to enter the stomach sometimes.  Ouch.  I really have to stay connected to my food intake or I end up this way.
 
I do like the check and balance, however.  I mean, how effective would it be if I had the surgery and then nothing changed?  What if I could still eat all and everything I wanted?  Dumb.  This is a physical reminder that I cannot, and will not, eat as I did before.  I'm taking this challenge one day at a time.  That's all I can do.
 
I really, really need to go shopping.  There are no viable vegetables or fruit in the house.  I have to scrounge for dinner items and snacks.  I think I will hit the grocery store before heading home tonight or I'll just be repeating today again tomorrow. 
 
Thanks for listening to my woes.  This is such a learning process for me.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Much needed update

I need to post more often.  Not that there's that much to say, but because it keeps me honest.

I'm finding that I'm slipping into the old habits.  I'm drinking fluids when I'm eating.  That's a big no-no.  Need to fill that pouch with good food and let it sit in there and have the nutrients absorb.  Will stay fuller longer.  If I drink when I eat, then the pouch fills with food and water and leaves the pouch faster.  That means I get hungry more often and not enough nutrients are absorbed.

I'm also eating more carbs than I want to.  No, I'm not eating sweets or refined carbs so much, but I'm eating breads and crackers.  Granted, I'm only eating one piece of bread at a sitting or maybe 8 crackers, but still.  I told myself I wasn't going to eat that so soon after surgery.  My body doesn't seem to have a problem with it.  That's good and bad.  Sometimes I crave a piece of toast, so I eat it.  I feel I'm being smart about eating breads, but I'm down on myself for eating them like I have been – more than one serving in a day.

I have no idea how many calories I eat in a day because I don't count calories.  One day I wrote down everything I ate and it was well under 1000 calories for the entire day.  Yay me.  I'm eating my protein and not snacking.  I do need to get back into eating more veggies since I'm not juicing or making smoothies like I was before. 

I've really just started eating normal everyday food.  I don't spaz out because the hotdog came on a bun or that I ate 2 bites of the bun.  Not worried so much about the salad dressing having too much sugar in it because I never, ever eat the whole salad anyways.  I just can't eat that much yet.  I've been trying very hard to keep the sugar content less than 5 grams per serving.  That keeps me on track because sugar IS my crack.  I know it's my drug and I need to stay away from it as much as possible.

On the up side, I've lost 5 lbs in the past 10 days.  That's very cool.  I would weigh myself on non-trash days and found I was between 238 and 240 most of the time.  Right before we left for vacation on the 4th, I weighed myself and it said 240.  The scale this morning said 235.7.  Wow, 5 more pounds and I'll be out of the 230's already. 

Two things that bother me right now are:
  1. I'm disconnecting when I eat.  I'm not paying attention to the food and how much I'm eating when I eat.  I'm busy talking or doing the forbidden "multitasking".  I need to stay connected to the food so I don't overeat and get that sudden "OMG I've eaten way too much and now the food bomb in my pouch is going to explode!" feeling.
  2. Diarrhea.   Maybe not so much it's diarrhea, but loose stools.  I know this is probably TMI, but I've got to report it to me and the doctor.  I've had it since surgery and that's over 2 months now.  Will I always have loose stools?  Is it healthy?  Is it ok, even? 
I've set a goal and I hope it's not too grandiose.  I'd like to be under 200 by Christmas.  That's 35 lbs in 102 days.  I'm going to start exercising regularly now.  Up until now, it's been just walking whenever I could, but now I'll get back to the gym and take those water aerobics classes.  That's a start.  I'll also get on the recumbent bike at home and use that for a little more calorie burning.  I heard this morning at work that the gals want to walk at lunch time.  I'll add that in a few days a week if I feel like it.  I won't add too many changes at one time because then I'll feel overwhelmed and I'll just chuck the whole shebang. 
Baby steps, right?

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Time will tell

Having food issues, but don't want to think about it.

About 10 days ago, my stomach changed. It is now able to hold more food at a sitting. That is good and bad. As much as I disliked my small pouch of a stomach, it kept me "honest" by eating small, frequent healthy meals. Now that my stomach can hold more with one meal, I'm eating less meals but a little more in each meal. I know that's redundant, but I need to say it to myself in more ways than one so that I "get it".

I'm finding that I overeat now and my pouch gets unhappy. Very unhappy. It's like learning to eat all over again, just like when I got the new pouch. I've got notes all over the place reminding me to eat slowly, chew thoroughly and not multitask while eating. If I do something while eating, watch tv, read, paperwork, I find that I either didn't chew well enough and therefore make the food feel all lumpy in my stomach or I eat way too much. I end up going past the near-full point and then my tummy hurts for hours.

I am happy that I don't have to eat as often, but I'm finding that I am not willing to give up those frequent meals. I feel well eating those frequent meals. Ok, so who says I have to give them up? Whose rule is that? If I only eat when I'm hungry, who's to say it's only three times a day as opposed to five? Wow. If it's only three times a day, then fine. I'm talking to myself now. Trying to sort this out.

I'm also finding that I'm able to eat more bready things. Um, uh-oh. My downfall. I'm ok eating a few crackers with my tuna or a piece of toast to fill me up before bedtime, or a plain biscotti with my evening tea. On and on and on. When did I tell myself that was ok? Those are not good calories, Debbie. That's temporary fullness and not very nutritional.

Today's food choices were actually ok. I had instant oatmeal with a little agave nectar for breakfast. For some reason, I dumped badly after that meal. Had to lie down for nearly an hour today. Not good. I've had the agave nectar before with no dumping, but maybe it was the combo that cause the dump, I don't know. Then I had sashimi for lunch. I did overeat a little and my tummy was very full, almost to hurting, for hours. I love that when it's full of protein like that that it doesn't get hungry for many hours. That's awesome. Dinner was chicken parmesan and I only ate a half-portion.

Two hours later, I had the biscotti and tea. Not physically hungry for the snack, just bored. Bad. It's the only snack I had today and looking back at what I ate, I couldn't have eaten more than 1000 calories for the day. I don't count calories because I usually eat very healthy. I'm hoping this craving/wanting of bread will end soon. I think it will. I am very aware that I'm eating it for the simple pleasure of eating it and that's an easy fix for me. At least I know why I'm eating eat, right? It will end soon. It's just something new.

I have so far still avoided rice and all sugary foods. I do not intend to start on cakes, cookies or candies. Not even one bite. I'm hoping that if I stay away from it completely, I won't have cravings later. I don't crave sugar now, so that's good. I just don't want to get the drug, the sugar, into my system and have to detox again. It will be harder to give it up later on as opposed to when I had surgery and had no choice.

The scale today, trash day (!), says 238, so I'm holding steady right around that weight. I'm not freaking out like when I held at 250 or two weeks. My body is changing physically, so I know it's just changing and the weight will start dropping again soon. I am going to up my physical activity with hope that that will lessen the time I'm at a plateau.

All in all, I'm a happy camper. Not very many problems at all. I am a bit tired since I've gone back to work full-time, but I expected that.

Flying back to PA for my niece's wedding this weekend. I'll update if anything earthshattering happens. I think I'll skip the wedding cake.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Almost Ready

Geez, I haven't posted for over a week. What's up with that? I guess nothing, since not much has happened in the past week EXCEPT A LITTLE WEIGHT LOSS! :)

Weight is going down slowly but steadily. I'm very happy about that. See the graph up there? Slowly but surely the green line and the blue dots are coming together. Freakin' awesome! I can't believe I'm in the 230's already. I mean, I wanted to be in the 230's by the time we left for PA (Sept. 4th) but had no idea I would actually be there. Amazing. You know what one of the things I'm most looking forward to in our trip? Not having to use the seat belt extender on the airplane. I'm also hoping that I won't be intruding on the neighboring seat, either. These are the little things that fat people have to deal with that think people have no idea about.

Along the food line, I'm doing fine with what I'm eating. I can eat just about anything now. I've eaten a hotdog bun with no blockage or dumping. I've had bbq sauce and no problems. I'm always aware of the sugar content of things, so if I want to eat that thing with more sugar than I allow myself (5-8 grams per serving) then I either water it down, or eat less of it. I have been craving a Pepsi so bad these days, but I won't allow myself to have one and there are plenty of them in the fridge. I just know that one sip and that'll be all she wrote. I'll drink the whole thing and it will not be pretty afterwards. There is something like 20+ grams in a serving (1 can) of Pepsi, so rather than dump, I choose not to drink it.

I opened a can of Diet Coke today because I was craving a soda so bad, and it was terrible. No wonder I like Pepsi better. I worry about the aspartame in the sodas because it gives me migraines, so I try to stay away from the aspartame if I can. If I do choose to go down the soda path, I will find a soda with sucralose. I'm really trying to resist soda in general, but if I do go there, I'll go the way of sparkling mineral water with a twist or with soda with splenda.

I am noticing that I can eat larger portions this past week. I'm both happy and sad. Happy in that I can eat less often and sad because it makes me feel like I'm not quite ready for the next phase of weight loss. I feel like the old tapes are playing in my head now. My stomach is bigger, albeit not as big as before surgery, and it makes me think that I can somehow go back to the old ways of eating. That's what my devil-mind is telling me. My angel-mind tells me that I am doing very well with my current way of eating and so why should I shift back to the old, terrible ways of eating? I really am happy how I'm eating now. I don't miss sugar (candy, cake, etc.) but I do miss soda and I feel I can handle that soon. I'm happy eating smaller portions and feeling my belly get full. I'm happy to leave food on my plate. It makes me happy.

So yeah, I weighed today. I put the trash at the curb, so I gave myself permission to weigh and I'm down to 237. The 230's. Amazing. I don't think I've been here for at least 10 years. I remember my weight by events in my life. I remember I weighed 220 when I started my current job 14 years ago. Do you remember the weight/event thing in your life?

I am feeling much better physically. I'm waiting to get a note from my doctor to go back to work. I'm really ready now. A few weeks ago, no, but now, yes. I still have days where the food I've chosen to eat doesn't agree with me, but hey, I'll have those kinds of days whether I'm home or at work. At least I'm not having days where the food makes me feel so bad that I have to go to bed. I'm glad those days are few and far between now.

Thanks for stopping by today. I appreciate you following my blog.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Sunday tidbits

So, ok, I'm not so good about following directions. I weighed myself today and it is NOT trash day. I'm down to 241. Yes! The last time I weighed was about a week ago, I think and I was 245 or around there. People tell me they can definitely tell I'm losing weight now. They can see it in my face and my upper body.


I have a friend who is losing weight and she is passing her clothes down to me. I love it and thank you, thank you! I am currently wearing size 22 bottoms (most of my weight is around my middle) and about 18/20 tops. She is passing along some 20's and lots of 18 stuff. I am thrilled. Lots of cute, cute clothes to fit into in the next month or so. OMG, you should see this darling bathing suit she gave me.
This is the cutest suit I've had in ages. I love the pink color and the fun black and silver stars all over it with just enough (well maybe not enough) skirting to cover my not-so-sexy thighs.
At 241 lbs how can I feel sexy in a bathing suit? I don't know. Maybe it's partly the weight loss and I feel better or maybe it's just attitude. I think it's more attitude at this point. I feel so terrific by the weight loss!
I'm hoping, but not counting on it, that I'll be under 200 by Christmas. That would be awesome, right?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Great day!

I know I shouldn't have, but I just had to, it was Monday!


I got on the scale. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to weigh myself until trash day (Wednesday), but I just had a feeling this morning. A feeling something had changed and golly gosh-a-roo, I lost 5 lbs since Friday! I felt so giddy!


I was quite active today. Picking up around the house, shopping for a dress for my niece's wedding, a stop at work to drop off a gift for a friend and to talk to the HR gal, stop for lunch and then home.


Let me tell you about the dress. I went to Lane Bryant because I know that they have dresses. Target, WalMart, Kohl's, you never know what kind, if any, selection they have for plus size dresses, so I went to Lane Bryant right away. I found three dresses I thought were appropriate for the wedding and guess what? I no longer wear a 22/24, I wear and 18/20! I was tickled pink! The dress I chose is sleeveless. A wedding in the late afternoon sun in PA, well, can you say hot and humid?!


The dress is not only sleeveless, but it it cut so that it angles up towards the neckline. No possibility of wearing a bra with straps. I asked the gal at Lane Bryant if she could measure me because I needed a strapless bra and I wasn't sure how much weight I lost on the upper part of my body. She measured and I went from a 44C to a 42B. Fantastic! I ended up buying a 40B instead and adding a bra extender so that I could get more use from the bra as I lose weight. The bras were buy one get one half off, so of course I did. It is the most comfortable strapless bra I have ever worn. Love it! I also bought some panties, too. Oh yes, I was on a roll!


Here's the dress I bought:








It feels wonderful on. So twirly and girly. I am going to work on my tan so that I do not have to wear pantyhose. Ugh.

It is such a great feeling to me to have the physical proof that I am losing weight. I know, how could I not know I was smaller since I've lost 30 lbs since surgery? Well, I think our minds play games with us. Some people can still "look" fat to themselves even if they weigh 125 lbs. How I would LOVE to weigh 125 lbs. Maybe some day. :)

I am going to keep the tags on this dress until the end of the month. I may lose enough weight by then to be able to exchange the 18/20 for a size 16. If I don't lose enough weight to do that, that is totally ok with me. I'm happy with what I have.


No, you cannot see a picture of the panties and bras. Pervs.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Before and Current Pics

Ok, I'm being brave today. I'm posting the before and after pics I have so far. I'm down 24 lbs since these pics were taken. The before pics are on the left and the current pic is on the right.

First comparison I see my butt looks less wide and my back between the shoulders looks narrower. Thanks, honey, for noticing my tag was out! Sheesh!!




Left side shots. I can tell the difference. I don't still don't like my booty or gut, but hey, it's getting smaller! Hey, is my thigh smaller or am I imagining things?








Right side. I can tell the difference here. My butt and my gut look smaller. I never realized how much weight I carried in front of me. My old armor. sigh.








And lastly, here's the front view. I think I look thinner, but not by a lot. I don't think my belly hangs down as bad as before and I look a bit narrower from under my boobs side to side. I can't wait to lose side boobage from under my arms. I'll celebrate when my arms hang down straight instead of like a linebacker.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Rambling today

First: I went to the doctor on Friday. It was a follow-up from my hospital visit a week ago. The dehydration incident. The visit showed I'm doing well surgically, but this post-op life change, is very tough on me. It's very hard for me to eat. I am doing better with my liquids, but eating is still a problem. I told NP Kelly that I would eat when I'm hungry. My fat brain was telling me that if I ate, then I would get fat or wouldn't lose weight, but I cannot possibly eat as much as I did before because my stomach is smaller. Duh. I am going to accept my imperfections as things to learn from, not to beat myself up over.

Oh, the NP told me I can go back to a regular diet now. That means meat and fresh fruits and veggies! Salad! My body will tell me if it doesn't like what I eat, so I may as well try it all. Yippee! Oh, and NP Kelly told me to stop weighing myself every day. I've been stuck at 250 for two weeks and I was sabotaging myself by not eating because I thought that would help me lose weight. Nope! So now I'm weighing only on trash day. Hey, I had a choice to weigh on trash day or church day, and since I don't go to church, trash day it is.

Second: Today was a great day. I slept in until 9:30 (oh shame!) and then checked my email, my RSS feeds and Facebook. Then I had my coffee and went out to work in the yard. The gardener was out there working on the irrigation, so I swept up the hedge mess out front, swept the cobwebs and dust from the fence and watered the patio plants. It was so nice outside today - high 70's with a nice cool breeze. I ate when I got hungry and I took all my pills today. I tend to forget to take my B1 and my vitamin, so getting all the pills in is a big deal to me. I drank lots of water and I feel great.

Third: I need to get a few projects done. I have the bbq side burner to get done. I told John I'd sew a cover for it. He got a cover for the grill, but they don't make covers for the side burners. That's weird, isn't it? I also need to clean the craft room so I can get up there and get some crafting done. I've been off work for 6 weeks and I've not done one single card! I also want to get the wall quilt started. I bought the kit at the Long Beach Quilt Show last month, so there really is no excuse.

Fourth: I forgot to ask the doctor when I can go back to work. I'm getting kind of tired being home, but I'm really not ready to go to work yet. I still have very low days because of no energy from food choices, so it's really not fair to my employer if I go back and then take days off. I want to go back feeling at least 90% recovered.

Fifth: I have not juiced in days. I am really feeling the desire to have smoothies, but just don't get off my butt to make them. Sad. I'm still reading all the inspirational food blogs on my website and from my RSS feeds, so at least I'm not ignoring the juicing and smoothing links.

That's it for today. Nothing really exciting happening in my world.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

A very cool thing

Check this out:I have to drink a lot of fluids each day, as much as possible, especially since I had that stint in the hospital with dehydration. So, I thought, why not have popsicles? That's a great idea, except that I can't buy commercial popsicles since they have sugar or aspartame (Nutrasweet) and I am sensitive to aspartame. I call it an allergy to aspartame since it gives me migraine headaches. The answer? Make my own popsicles!

I found these Cool Cones at Bed, Bath and Beyond. This set of four was $4.99. These are push-up type popsicle molds. I am going to make juice and maybe mix it with yogurt to make it creamy and then freeze it into these push-up popsicles. I am going to make juice tomorrow and add some yogurt for creaminess. Sounds yummy, no? YES!

I did pretty good today with my liquids. I'm sure I'm hydrated well enough, but I didn't eat enough protein today. I visited with my Aunt Cathy and my Mom today and well, we just got to talking and I forgot to eat. Yes, forgot to eat! I never could've said that six months ago. FORGET to eat? Riiiiight! But these days, I'm just so satisfied with drinking my juice/water mixture that food really isn't that important to me.

I do have to work on the protein, though. I do not want my hair to start falling out and I do not want muscle wasting, so I have to get the protein in no matter what, at least 50 grams a day. I need to start planning my meals ahead of time, so I make sure I eat or drink my protein each day. I also know how much better I feel when I do get my 50 grams a day in, so it's a must-do.

Now that I've learned that my stomach pain/nausea is from excess stomach acid, I take my protonics early in the day so I don't have a problem with liquids and water. I can't stress that enough to anyone going through this surgery to take the stomach medicine they tell you to take and if you get sick like I did, let the doctor know right away. Don't wait 3 weeks like I did. There is no reason to suffer, and I know that now.

Have not weighed myself in 4 days. Will weigh tomorrow. I feel like I'm losing inches right now instead of weight, but we'll see what the scale says. Either way, I'm happy.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

A Perfect Day

What perfect day it was today! No one went to the hospital, no one got hurt or drunk or anything!

Slept in until 8:30 or so. Had my juice out on the back patio with hubby and read the paper until the gardener came by. Had a 1/2 of an egg salad sandwich for lunch. Took a 3 hour nap. Had 1/2 a blue cheese hamburger patty for dinner. Walked with hubby to the post office, chatted with neighbors and watered the patio plants. Then, oh then! I had dessert.

I was sitting here at the laptop realizing my tummy was hungry again and I wanted pie. Oh yes, pie. That's the first thing that came to my head. Warm pie with crumbles on top. As I was imagining eating it, Tony (my kid) came downstairs and I told him what I wanted. First he laughed, then he says, "so have pie. Make yourself a pie."

Well, I can't really have pie, because it has sugar in it, but I got an idea. I cut up a fresh peach into a little bowl and then I googled pie crumbles. You know the kind that goes on top of an apple crumble? Yeah, that!

The recipe said 1/2 C flour, 1/2 C sugar and 1/4 C butter. Well, I can't have any sugar, so I used my box of Splenda because it substitutes equal amounts of Splenda for sugar. I mixed all of those ingredients together and added a little cinnamon and it made crumble! I put some crumble on top of the peach and put it in the oven for about 20 minutes, and when it came out, oh my freakin' god, it was delicious. I didn't even think to take a picture for you because I ate it right away.

I feel like I cheated somehow, but I didn't. Nothing I ate was off-list and it was so mentally satisfying I feel terrific. We have apples, peaches and nectarines in the fruit bowl, so looks like tomorrow's dessert is planned already. I think I'll make apple tomorrow for John and I. I know he'll like it, too.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Hospital Visit

If you read yesterdays post, you know I was feeling icky. Well, that wasn't even the tiniest bit of it. I called the doctor's office and got an appointment for 4pm. I went in and the NP Kelly said it sounded like I was dehydrated and that my stomach was producing too much acid, despite taking Ranitidine.

So, I was admitted to the Observation Unit at Pomerado Hospital's ER. They immediately hooked me up to a bag of some IV fluid and it drained rather quickly. I started to feel better right away. They hooked up another bag. I couldn't believe I still hadn't peed. Then when that bag was empty, they hooked up a "banana bag". That's another fluid bag filled with lots of vitamins. That was a slow dripper and it emptied sometime during the night. I slept pretty well since John had dropped off my CPAP for me.

Early this morning, I went in for an upper GI. I had to drink this nasty-tasting drink while the radiologist and NP Kelly watched it go down my throat and into my belly. No leaks in the staples in my stomach or no ulcers. There is a tiny hiatal hernia, but no reflux. I'm happy to hear that.

So Kelly prescribed some Protonics for me, told me to make an appt with her this next week and then I left the hospital. I picked up the new prescription, came home and had a little bite to eat and now I'm hydrating. Poured a little bit of tangerine pomegranate juice into a glass and filled it with water. Just enough juice to change the flavor of the water.

I don't want to go through this again. I know better now not to let this feeling/condition go for 2-3 weeks. Call the office, call the office, CALL THE OFFICE! Sometimes I am so stubborn. Yeah, see previous posts for clarification. LOL

I'm going to take it easy today and maybe even take a nap or two.