Who invited HER?!

I'm feeling fat.  Very fat.  Embarrassed.  Don't want to be seen.  Want to hide behind my clothes again.
Why?  I don't know.  I've thought and thought but can't figure out what the deal is.

I weighed myself last week and I was down to 221.  OMG, yes, 221, but instead of feeling terrific about that, I felt shame.  Hell, I weighed two hundred and twenty one pounds!  That's a lot!  I should weigh much, much less than that!  My brain didn't think, "but you used to weigh 290 pounds and 221 pounds is a helluva lot less than that", but no, Ms. Negative got in there first and said, "you suck".

Where the hell did she come from?  I was sailing along just fine without her.  I was feeling great dressing all girly-girl and feeling like I was a woman again, and then she showed up.  Who invited her to the party??   She is a major downer on my parade and I want her gone!  Thing is, she's not making any moves to leave just yet.  Hmmm.  How do I get her out of here??

What is it about that number on the scale that made her come back?  Did I have major issues when I weighed 221 before?  I believe our bodies store feelings and memories in our fat and muscles and when we get to a certain weight, pull a certain muscle or hurt ourselves in a certain area, those feelings or memories come back to the surface.  Yeah, that's all touchy-feely, but I believe that.  So, given those facts, what is it about this size body at 221 pounds, am I holding on to? 

Let's see...  when was the last time I weighed 221?  Probably about 23 years ago.  I lost a bunch of weight before John and I got married.  How much did I start out weighing?  OMG about 220 pounds!  I got down to 170 on our wedding day.  Right after we got married, I started to pig out.  Oh baby, did I pig out!  I was up to 200 pounds in like 3 months.  No shit.  I remember staying there for a short time and then the weight just crept up and up and up.

So what is it then?  Is the 220 a breaking point of some type?  Is it a memory of "holy shit you are fat and you'd better lose weight if you want to make John want/love you".  Whoa.  Want/love?  Is that it?  Am I afraid to go forward and lose weight because that means acceptance?  Why would that be a deterrant?  I don't feel that consciously.  Not sure that's the reason.  Is it a memory of leaving the past and moving on to something new?  Hmm.  Not sure about that, either.

There is some memory inside that is making me feel this way and I've got to get it out.  It's dragging me down big time and I don't like it one bit.  Time to call the therapist because this is beyond me.  I really am struggling with this and I can't seem to get it out of my head. 

Why do I push that envelope??

To weigh myself and I'm 223 today, trash day.

I'm happy to have lost weight consistently, but I'm also disappointed that it isn't coming off more quickly.  I've tried writing down everything I eat and drink and make sure to count up the proteins and calories.  From that, I've determined I'm eating right around 1,000 calories a day but only 20-25 grams of protein, max.  That is not enough protein.  Maybe my body needs more protein to do whatever it does to metabolize fat?  I've never really understood the whole "eat this and this and this if you want to make it turn into a fat burner" thing.  I really just don't care.  I just want someone to say, "Don't eat this, or eat this and you will lose weight". 

I need guidelines.  Big ones.  Give me an inch and I take the mile, you know?  "Ok, so you can eat a little bit of sugar."  Ha!  I eat a little, and the next thing you know, I've eaten the whole sugary thing, you know?  I know myself.  I know that I will ignore the little voice in my head that says "enough already" and will just continue eating or drinking.  I am an addict.  A food addict and a sugar addict.  I don't believe that will ever change, but I can do something about it. 

I can learn to choose the right things to eat.  In moderation.  I can also choose to eat more of something if that's what I need.  Like protein.  I have to make myself take my pills every day.  I hate taking pills and I conveniently forget to take them.  Bad, very bad.  I have been "forgetting" to eat enough protein and to take my multivitamins and calcium every day.  My hair is falling out.  Not in bunches, but every day, all day, I find many, many hairs in the sink and on the desk.  I am saddened by this because it is my doing, but do I remember to take my pills and eat the protein?  No.  Why is that?  Do I not care enough about myself or am I really still the same person I was when I was 290 lbs and just waited for the other shoe to drop: the heart attack, diabetes, hypertension.  Why must I always push the envelope?

Do I think it makes people pay more attention to me?  Am I looking for attention?  We all want a certain amount of attention in our lives.  Not just for accolades for losing weight, but for positive reinforcement that we are liked/loved.  "You look great today.  I love your sweater."  "Great job on the XYZ project."  "Thanks for cooking such a nice dinner." (Yeah, like that last one would ever happen.)  I don't know why I push the envelope all the time.  I do it with everything, come to think of it.  Relationships, taxes, projects at work, design team projects.  I do not like the fact that I'm always finishing things at the last minute, so why do I do it?  Any ideas?  I'm going to bring this up at the monthly group therapy on Thursday.  Maybe those women can tell me why I do what I do. 

Well, it wasn't my intent to get that far into my psyche today, but I did.  I needed to, I guess.  I've been hiding out long enough.  Time to pay the piper.

November already?

Geez, November already?  Where does the time go?  Unless you're in grade school, time is just flying by.

So here's my breakfast from this morning.  Steel-cut oats, leftover pumpkin smoothie from last night, a big spoonful of plain Greek yogurt and some sweetened coconut.  It was so goooood!   I really wanted some dried cranberries, but we were out.  Better make sure they're on the list for Wednesday's shopping.  I think I will have this for breakfast tomorrow, too.

It's been an interesting week.  I've gone to my first knitting class and learned how to do the basics of making a beanie cap.  Next Saturday is the second, and last class, and we learn about decreasing and finishing off the class.  I am loving knitting.  It gives me time to zone out and get in touch with the voice(s) in my head. 

I am really ready for winter.  I'm ready for the weather to be cold and hopefully, wet.  We really need rain this year.  We've been fortunate enough down here in So Cal so far in not having huge wildfires.  I hope we get through the year without having any.  I'm ready for sweater weather.  It's so weird.  I was NEVER a sweater person because between all the fat insulation I had and my hormones raging, I was never cold, but now after losing over 50 lbs since July, I'm cold all the time.  I wear sweats at home every night after work.  It's so strange to me.  My friend, who had gastric bypass 7 years ago, says it never gets better.  I'll always be cold.  That sucks, but then it could be a lot worse, right?

Speaking of weight loss, I'm doing pretty good.  I'm down to 223.  Wow.  In just for pounds I'll be in the teens.  The weight is coming off slower these days, but I'm ok with that.  I'm just happy I'm still losing.

Hope you had a nice Halloween.  We had less than 50 trick-or-treaters this year.  I guess I'll have to take the rest of the candy to work to get rid of it.  Oh, get this:  As I was buying candy, I found Tootsie Roll Pops in a big bag and they were miniature size.  Like DumDum size or smaller.  Only 9 grams of sugar in 3 pops, which is one serving.  How cool is that?  I've stocked up with a couple of bags to have for the next many, many months.  I don't eat sweets that often, hardly at all now, but if there is something low in sugar, I don't mind splurging once in a while.

That's it for today.

In a moment of clarity

Goober says:  "What?  I'm not supposed to be up here??"

I may be on to something here.

My last post showed my weight loss.  About 6 lbs in the last month, right?  After my visit with the surgeon and asking him about my weight loss slowing down, I started to think a bit, especiall since he said my weight should still be coming off about 10 lbs a month now. 

So I started thinking, "what has changed?  What have I done that's different?"  Well, my food choices have changed.  Since I've been able to eat a little more at a sitting I've been making new food choices.  I've actually branched out into the artificial sweetener arena.  I never went there before because nutrasweet is NOT my friend.  Gives me migraines.  So, I choose foods and drinks with Splenda.  I've been eating more quantity-wise and drinking more drinks sweetened with Splenda.  Hmmm.  I'm beginning to think that the reports may be right.  Those reports, which I'm too lazy to look up and link, say that just because a food/drink is sweetened with artificial sweeteners doesn't make it healthy.  Those reports also said that too many artificial sweeteners can make you fat. 

Armed with that information, I am going to cut out the artificial sweeteners now and see what happens in the next month.  I'll give up my 10 calorie waters and my diet cinnamon-flavored oatmeal amongst other foods and see if the weight doesn't come off easier.  I'll add in my smoothies and juices occasionally since I've slacked off in that area.

Another thought:  In the past month or so, I've noticed my thinking is clouded.  It's harder for me to keep two thoughts together sometimes.  Hard to concentrate.  Think it's the sweeteners?  I don't know.  Maybe I'm just losing my mind, but it's interesting to think about.  I'm very sensitive to medication doses, so maybe I'm uber sensitive to sweeteners, too. 

I'll do some changing and report back on this in a month.

Crossing Over

No, I am not dying.

 

I feel like I'm at a cross-over point.  Like I am finally leaving the obese Debbie behind and moving towards the slimmer Debbie.  It's weird how just a number, my weight, makes such a difference in how I see myself.  Here are my weights from the last month:

 

09/16/09        232.0

09/26/09        229.4

10/11/09        228.0

10/20/09        225.8

 

My body is changing and I'm now realizing that my brain is a little behind.  Until today, I felt like I had the same mentality of the Debbie of pre-surgery.  Like I still "thought" of things as I did before, but today, TODAY, feels different.  Maybe it's because the scale said 225.  Only 26 lbs until I get to One-derland, you know that?  I haven't been there in 22 years!  That's a long time to be over 200 lbs.

 

I'm feeling like I'm a "normal" person.  I can shop in regular stores now.  Old Navy is my friend.  They carry my sizes:  20 in pants and 18 (or XL!) in tops and dresses.  I am so thrilled with that.  No more fat lady stores!  I can wear cute, stylish clothes now.  I am going a bit crazy with the shopping, though.  It's so much fun that I have to stop myself from buying a whole new wardrobe at this size, so I buy a some tops and some pants and hope that will get me through this weight for awhile.  

 

I had my 3-month appointment with the surgeon today.  We talked about the diarrhea which most likely is a lactose intolerance thing.  Maybe hidden milk products in foods I'm eating.  Ok, I can deal with that.  He asked about my iron levels and if I'm taking my multivits and yes, I remember to take them occasionally.  I also forget to take the daily B1 and the weekly B12.  I'm just terrible at taking pills.  I can remember the morning pills because I take them when I brush my teeth, but the ones later in the day, not so much.  Maybe I'll take the vitamins after I brush my teeth at night.  Maybe that's a good reminder.  I swear, I can be so juvenile sometimes.

 

Along the thought of iron, he asked about menopause and periods and since I haven't had a period since 1988, I'm good there, but I said I thought my iron was ok since I passed the finger prick test when I gave blood.  He says, "You gave blood?!"  Um, oops.  He said it is very difficult for gastric bypass patients to keep their iron levels up to normal and when you give blood, it depletes the iron or severely lowers it and it is very difficult to build up the iron levels again.  Oh crap!  I had no idea.  He says find another way to help out.  Ok, doc, I'll do that.  Sorry, but why wasn't I told this before?  Maybe they told us and I forgot, but still...

 

So mentally, how am I doing?  Ok.  Just ok.  I've taken a break from interacting with psychological things to get my into my head and hear myself.  Feel myself.  Not literally, but inside me.  I'm really trying to get in touch with ME.  How food makes me feel, why I feel the way I am feeling at that very moment.  I've been so out of touch for so long, I really need this.  I think I am about done with being by myself because I'm missing the friends I've cut out for this little while.  I didn't cut them out because they were bad, it's because they were part of my past and I needed to just be current.  Does that make sense?  I adore my friends and couldn't live without them, but I needed a mental break.  I know they understand and I'm now ready to join the world again.

 

What a journey this has been so far.  I so needed this.  I feel like I'm starting a new life and it is wonderful!!

 

 

Can You Hear Me Now?!

I feel like my stomach and my brain are at war and no one is listening to the other one.

I've had some really good weeks, but these past two or three have been a semi-hell.  All of a sudden I found I could eat a little more at a sitting and that has made brain happy.  Closer to eating like the old days, only not so much and not as junky eating, just more quantity.  Then stomach decides that isn't such a good idea and it rebels.

So I've had this thing now for the 2-3 weeks of stomach pain, the over-full feeling with food backed up into my esophagus and mild discontent (brain).  The stomach knows it has more acreage and just doesn't want to share with brain.  So how do I get bossy brain to back off and give me some peace?

I've decided to go back to basics.  Less foods, blander foods and eat more often instead of the 4 hour schedule I was on.  That seems to be working.  Somewhat.  Brain still wants more food.  Brain even thinks it can eat sugar, but stomach says NO!  Stomach says, well, I'll let you eat sugar, but I won't actually give you a big sugar dump in the sense of hurting and incapacitating you.  No, I'll just make you tired as hell.  Make you want to sleep like RIGHT NOW!  Let me tell you, this plan does not work.

I don't like this war.  Who would?  I have to work out a plan to make brain and stomach work peaceably together.  I need a mediator.  Need to get back to counseling more often.  Need to listen to stomach more than brain.  Who says the brain is the smartest anyways?  Certainly not stomach.

I think part of this semi-hell I'm in is because I'm not talking to anyone about it.  Not sharing how I feel.  Getting feedback.  I don't tell people that I feel crappy, that I have food backed up into my esophagus and it hurts like hell.  Who wants to hear a complainer especially when they really can't do anything about it?  I don't want to be a complainer so I keep it to myself. 

I have an appt with the surgeon next week, and I will talk to him about this for sure.  Just when I thought things were going along so smoothly, this happens.  So weird.  Maybe it's normal at this stage in the game, I don't know.  I'll find out.

On a more positive note, I'm down to 228 and I'm in smaller clothes again.  Yay.  I'm down to a 20 in pants and an 18 in the top.  I just got another couple of bags of clothes from Johanna and I can fit into almost everything she gave me.  I know those clothes were too big for her because yowza, you should've seen her in her smaller black leather pants and bustier last night.  Oooh-la-la!  She says the bustier is coming my way soon.  Holy moley!  I hope it looks as good on me as it did on her. 

Going to feed stomach now and make brain take a time out.

How do you see yourself?

I don't mean, "I see myself as a loving, giving person".  I mean, "I see myself as a fit, but overweight person".  I'm talking in the physical sense of seeing.

 

When I was more overweight than I am now, I would look in the mirror and yes, I'd see myself - all my rolls and wideness (is that a word?) and puffiness.  Yes, I'd see the physical part, but I still felt like a thin person.  Oh, I knew wearing a size 24 dress was for obese women, yet I still felt thinner in my mind.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

 

I'm not saying I was in denial about who large I was/am, but rather I felt/feel like a thin person inside.  I know there's a thin woman in there somewhere!  I look back at pictures of me taken in social situations and now I am amazed/apalled.  How could I let myself get so large?  I didn't feel so large when I was there.  I mean, ok, 290 is LARGE, but I didn't feel so LARGE all the time.  In my mind, I was overweight, but not LARGE  -  until I saw the pictures. 

 

Could it be that I had unconsciously edited my physical being from myself?  Is that denial or was it a way to cope?  In group therapy, one of our assignments was to look at ourselves naked in the mirror.  Really look at ourselves.  There were those in the group that could not look at themselves at the beginning but eventually, they did.  They may not have liked what they saw, but they LOOKED.  That's my point.  I think.  We LOOK, not just see and move on. 

 

So now at 230 lbs, do I look different naked?  Of course I do.  I'm 60 lbs lighter!  Do I like how I look?  Well, it's getting better.  My stomach is definitely smaller and my butt is smaller.  Clothes sizes are smaller.  Today I feel pretty terrific.  I have clothes on that fit and look nice on my body.  Do I like what I see?  Yes.  BUT.

 

BUT I am still a large person by society and health standards.  Yes, I still have thunder thighs, yes I still have a poochy stomach (who wouldn't at 230 lbs?), yes, my arms are flappy (ewww), but I feel great.  I just cannot get complacent with this feeling.  Why?  Because I was complacent at 290, too. 

 

I need to stay deeply in touch with the physical part of my body.  I need to be aware of how my body is changing.  I WANT to be more fit and healthy, so I need to not get comfortable with how I am right now.  I struggle with this all this time, I hope this isn't as confusing to you as it is to me. 

 

I am comfortable in my own skin, yes.  I am comfortable sunbathing in the nude.  I don't think that is so much about showing a body as it is being comfortable who you are.  We all have scars or rolls or fat or excess body hair.  Whatever.  It's what makes us US, it doesn't define us.  It's just the body we were given. 

 

I wish I could define what I'm trying to say.  I wish I had a word for it, but I don't.  This is such a mental game.  I don't stress over it, I just try to accept it.  Anyone who says gastric bypass is the easy way out to lose weight should have their head examined.  Literally.

 

It's the little things

This is the second post of the day.  I guess I have a lot to say today.

 

This past weekend, we went to the hubby's company picnic.  We took John's truck.  It's a big F-150 with big comfy leather seats.  I keep my purse between my feet on the floor and I found I needed something from my purse.  Without thinking, I bent down and picked up my purse.  So what you say?  Yeah, me too, until I realized that I did it effortlessly.  I didn't have to unbuckle the seatbelt or maneuver the purse with my feet until I could raise it up so I could reach it.  I just reached down and got it.  Wow.  That's a biggee for me.  I was too big before to reach over my belly to get anything from the floor.  Yay for that one. 

 

The other thing I found out that same day:  I was sitting in my folding chair, you know the kind: the canvas ones with the sling backs?  I usually dread those chairs because I'm always afraid I'm going to break it when I sit in it because I'm so heavy.  So there I was, sitting in that chair.  I was reading a book and I crossed my legs.  I don't mean crossed them at the ankles, I crossed them at the knee - one leg over the other.  Holy shit, Batman!  I was amazed!  I was thrilled!  I mentioned this to John and he did the nice husband supportive thing, but I don't know that he really understood how happy that made me.  That is a biggee! 

 

I really do need to blog these things because I will forget them later on.  Baby steps, you know?  Kind of like when you  have kids and your kid does something really cute and you think you'll always remember that thing, but you don't.  You have to write it down.  In detail.  I'm sure my details probably bore you sometimes (all the time?) but hey, this is my blog/journal.  I'm just glad you're here reading and being there for me.

Trash Day

It's trash day and I'm "allowed" to get on the scale.  I say "allowed" because the NP told me that I was weighing myself too much and relying on the numbers as opposed to how I felt.  I was allowing the numbers to dictate how I was eating.  So today, trash day, I weighed myself.  I was 230.2 today.  No, I wasn't upset that I was up a pound from last week.  It's just a pound.  I'm not freaking out.

 

Here's what I've noticed in the last week, though.  My body is getting smaller.  I am losing inches.  Noticeably.  The thing is, I'm getting flabby.  I don't know that I've ever been flabby.  Overweight, yes, flabby, no.  I can grab a handful of fat now (around my waistline) and it jiggles.  When I was heavier, it was just solid fat, not jiggly fat.  Do you know what I'm talking about?  Jiggly, people!  I do not care for jiggly!!

 

I have the bat wings.  I never wanted those.  Who does?  I have jiggly tummy and jiggly thighs.  Oh, don't even get me started on my thighs.  I'm very upset about those.  I LOVE wearing shorts year-round and I do not want to stop wearing them because my thighs are jiggly.  Oh, and I've got chicken neck now.  Yikes!  Crepey, wrinkly skin on my neck.  Ack!  Is that age or is is rapid weight loss?  I don't know, but I don't like it.

 

So, the answer?  It's right there in front of my nose - I need to work out.  And hard.  I need to start toning those muscles so that the flabby parts go away.  I need to start burning more fat and building more muscle.  I have a gym membership so why don't I use it?  I WILL use it.  I've been lazy about going to the gym.  Would rather just go home and knit than work out, but the harsh reality is that I have jiggly fat and I want that gone more than knitting. 

 

And those of you who are wondering what all that looks like naked, forget about it.  You know who you are.  I'm not taking pics. 

I learned something

A lot, if not all, gastric bypass patients are put on medication for excess stomach acid after surgery.  The stomach continues to produce lots of stomach acid even though there is only a small stomach to protect, therefore, excess stomach acid.  After my go-round in the ER for dehydration and stomach pain, I talked to the Nurse Practitioner in the surgeon's office and she told me that I probably needed more antacid medication.  She doubled my dose and I've been fine ever since.  Almost.

 

Once in awhile, I get in a rush in the mornings and I forget to take my meds, including the probiotics/antacids.  I've noticed those days, I feel more "hungry".  I find I'm feeding that "hunger" and it's not hunger at all.  It's the stomach acid grumbling around in there.  If I look/feel beyond the "hunger" I realize I'm not hungry at all, that I've just eaten and I couldn't possibly be hungry.  The old tapes in my head would say that the stomach feels hungry, so eat!  Ah, but it's not hunger at all. 

 

I need to be more diligent about taking my stomach pills.  I feel more even food-wise when I do.  I also don't want to slip into those bad habits about eating all the time, either. 

 

This surgery is not just a physical adjustment, it really is a mental one, too.  A BIG mental adjustment.  I think if I don't pay attention to the little things along the way, that I'd fall right back into the old habits and my surgery would be unsuccessful.  What a shame that would be.  My surgery cost the insurance company over $70,000 and I sure wouldn't want that money wasted.  I'm sure they wouldn't want it wasted, either. 

 

So I continue with the daily check-in's to my brain and my stomach and I continue with group therapy.  It's the only way I can figure to make this a success.

 

Picture updates coming soon.  Oh, and tomorrow is trash day.

Brain vs Stomach

Things are changing, yes they are. 

I'm finding that I'm becoming more and more comfortable with my food.  I'm more comfortable with eating less, even though I fill my plate like I did before.  I'm ok with the reality that I cannot eat the whole plate of food.  I stop when I'm almost full and I'm ok with that, too.  I'm not eating to satisfy my brain, I'm satisfying my stomach now.  It's a weird change, but a good one. 

I've been eating what I call mainstream food.  I'm not worried about eating only protein or veggies, no carbs, etc.  I'm just eating what I want.  Really, I don't eat that much, so why stress about eating "clean".  By "clean" I mean that I would eat a basic protein, grilled chicken, for example and then either a salad or a veggie.  No sauces, no spices.  I don't know why I got on that kick, but I did.  I would eat most of my meals that way and thought that's what I had to do to eat right.  Where does my brain get that?  I don't know.  I thought that if I restricted my food in that way that I would lose weight.  I'm finding I put so many unrealistic restrictions on myself that there is no way I could possibly live like that.  I set myself up to fail.  Why? 

Hard to get rid of all that old shit in my brain.  In the past, in trying to lose weight, I'd try stuff like that.  It's impossible to follow for a long time.  Like the Atkins diet.  Easy enough to follow for a week, but a lifetime?  Hell no.  Too restrictive.  So why did I let my brain tell me that it was ok to eat like that after surgery?  I don't know.  I tell you, this surgery does a number on your head.  So much of this has to do with how you think about your relationship with food, not just how much or what you eat.  So now I eat what I want and I just stop when I'm almost full.  It's working.

Oh, and I'm down to 229.4!  I'm in the 220's and I can hardly believe it.  I'm feeling like a normal person these days.  I can wear smaller clothes and I feel like I can move better and I definitely feel better.  Only 29 more pounds to reach my goal of under 200 by Christmas.  I'm sure I can do it!

Coping - or not

I guess I don't cope with frustration very well.

 

Yesterday was a good day at work, so no frustration there.  Cindy and I went to the yarn store at lunch and I got new needles and yarn to make a vest.  Cindy has been teaching me how to knit and I am loving it!  She is a great teacher and a great inspiration.  She thinks I will succumb to spinning my own yarn.  Yeah right.  We'll see about that.

 

So, once all the chores were done once I got home, I sat myself down and started knitting.  I was just knitting to check for gauge, so nothing that stressful, right?  Wrong.  New metal circular needles, new yarn, struggling with the actual process.  Dropping stitches, uneven rows, which way do I wrap the yarn?  What the heck is going on?

 

This is food-related, so hang in there.

 

I tore out the first sample, and the second sample and the THIRD.  I was becoming very frustrated.  I gave up knitting for the evening (or so I thought) and headed upstairs to check out what was happening on Facebook, but before I went up there, I stopped in the kitchen for a little something sweet to eat.  By this point, I knew I was giving in to the alternate food personality and was going to binge.  I considered the apples in the bin, but no.  Then I saw the low-sugar cookies in the baggie.  Yes!  Only 5 cookies left.  I can eat those!

 

These cookies are a chocolate-filled cookie.  Only 5 grams of sugar per cookie.  I've had one here and there with no problems at all, and was satisfied with only one cookie, but did I only grab one cookie?  Nope, I grabbed the whole bag and headed upstairs, fully aware of the fact that I was going to eat them all.

 

So why didn't I stop myself?  I didn't want to.  I wanted to drown my frustration in food, sugar to be exact.  I deserved to binge because I was frustrated.  That was my old pattern.  Frustration = eat = sugar.  It's kind of like I disconnected from reality when I made that decision.  I knew it was a bad decision, but I let myself go for it anyways.  "Hell, what's 5 grams of sugar times 5 cookies?  Only 25 grams of sugar.  Who cares if I dump?  I'm going to bed anyways.  I can just sleep it off."  Those were some of the thoughts racing through my head.

 

So I sat at the desk eating cookies and after the third one, I started to feel sick.  Not dumping sick, just sick.  My stomach was over-full (I had been drinking iced tea) but I reached into the baggie and pulled out the fourth cookie and ate it.  Now I'm really feeling sick and extremely sleepy all of a sudden.  There was no way I was going to be able to physically handle the fifth cookie, so I went downstairs to go to bed.

 

As I'm getting ready for bed, I feel myself check back in to reality.  My brain felt like it was disengaging from the alternate personality.  I made myself check in with my body as well as my mind.  I did not like what I felt.  I really felt as if I'd let myself down.  Why, oh why, did I let myself slip into that alter ego and do what I did?  Because I'm human and bad habits are hard to break, that's why.

 

I didn't beat myself up.  I just told myself that that was a very quick and real learning experience and went to bed.  In the past (before gastric bypass surgery), once I came to my senses while on the frustration eating binge, I would have said, " fuck it, I've already messed up, why not just finish up the cookies?"  Not this time.  No more. 

 

Not only is my body not physically able to handle the huge food load of a binge as before, but I'm finding that I'm connecting back from the binge personality quicker.  Sometimes I'm able to stop it before it starts.  The feeling of wanting to succeed after this surgery is stronger than anything I've ever felt for a long time.  I do not want to ever weigh as much as I did before.  Ever!  I am learning to deal with the demons as they appear in my life without pushing them away with food binges.  It's a slow process, but I am feeling really good about how I'm dealing with it.

 

I did knit a bit after I got in bed.  I still made mistakes and got frustrated, but I was still so sick from the 4-cookie binge that it served as a reminder that food is not a substitute for coping.  I just put down the needles and went to sleep.

 

I can see that knitting is quickly becoming my current obsession.  Is that such a bad thing?