Monday, June 29, 2009
Woke up and was very hungry. The need to eat was first and foremost in my head. I can usually go at least an hour before I eat in the morning, but this day was different. I needed to eat. So I made up a simple smoothie:
I used my new Magic Bullet and put in 1/2 cucumber, large handful of spinach, some kale and the Chia fiber. It was refreshing and filling. Do not pay attention to the Margarita mix and the alcohol behind the smoothie. I did not put tequila in here, but hey, that's an idea....
So I drank my smoothie and went on with my day. I felt great. Not too many aches and pains from surgery, and my energy level felt pretty good, too. I headed out to get my car washed and to WalMart for a new bathroom scale and a few other things.
Almost done shopping and I'm getting very hungry. I'd probably been in the WM for a couple of hours and the hunger came on like wildfire. EAT! In the past, the first thing I grabbed to get rid of that awful(?) hunger feeling was processed carbs and sugars. Well, hey, they are everywhere and easy to purchase, you know? I grabbed my old binge buddy, chocolate-covered Hostess donuts. Oh man, I could eat those by the bagfuls, but I only bought the 6 pack of little donuts.
Once in the car, I got out my precious donuts. Opened the package and sniffed. Smelled off, but then I haven't had processed anything for about a month. I took a bite. Hmm. Something not right. Another bite (rest of the donut) and yuck. It tasted weird. Not the sugary sweetness, yumminess that I was expecting.
Maybe my taster was off, so I put in another whole donut in my mouth. Still yucky. Still hungry. Ate the 3rd donut. Now I'm getting sick. That fat lump in my belly is not feeling good. I threw away the rest of the donuts and stopped for sushi and seaweed salad instead. Ahhh, now that's FOOD!
Once I got home, I felt my body or rather my "being" being pulled towards eating. Like I was drawn to every food I could eat and eat it now. I was full from the donut blob and from the sushi/salad, but I still ate a chicken sandwich and soup at home for dinner a few hours later. Then still "hungry" I ate something else. It's like another person was inside my body telling my brain to eat when I wasn't hungry. I was disengaged from the whole thing. I knew I was full, but my brain kept telling me to eat.
So was it the sugar that started all that? I'm guessing yes. I didn't feel that way when I woke up, so it has to be the sugars. I am so convinced that sugar is a drug. I know that when I eat it, it's like I just continue to eat badly all day. Even if I eat something healthy during the day, I still keep bingeing until I am so uncomfortable I want to throw up. It's crazy and I hope I don't have many more of these days.
Friday, June 26, 2009
I was sitting watching tv and felt like having something sweet. John bought two kinds of ice cream today, but I have no desire to eat either one of them. Here's what I made instead:
Using your Magic Bullet:
- Put one ripe banana in the mug (take the skin off, silly)
- 3 big dollops of Greek God Greek yogurt with honey
- a 3-second squirt of liquid chocolate. I used the non-fat variety. You know the kind you put on ice cream? Yeah, that kind.
- Add 2 ice cubes.
This tastes like a banana split to me. I actually moaned when I first tasted it. It is so damn good it's probably illegal in most states. I'm going to go take a cold shower now.
John helped me clean up the mess and I said good-bye to grandma's bowl. I will have to search through the antique stores for another one like it. It won't be the same because it's not grandma's, but oh well.
So, anxiety is settling in quickly. I'm very hungry and now I just want to EAT! Anything, anything, turn around in circles, find the food, find the food, give it to me! Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits, got to have me some kibbles and bits. You know that commercial? That's how I felt!
So did I do that? No, I took a walk around the house. Try to get in touch with the feelings inside. I'm feeling the anxiety over losing the bowl, I'm sore from being on my hands and knees cleaning up the juice/glass mess and I'm hungry!
After the quick walk, this is what ended up on my plate:
This, my friends, is a green smoothie. It is so darn delicious!
Here's what's in it:
- 1 kale leaf
- 4 romaine lettuce leaves
- big handful of spinach
- 1 small cucumber
- 1 banana
- 1/2 avocado
- 1 large tsp of chia meal
- leftover pineapple juice from this morning (about 4 oz)
- splash of peach nectar
I bet you are wondering where I got this combination of veggies. I got it from Cindy! I asked her for a good green smoothie and she suggested this combination of greens to start with. You can make this and if you don't like the flavors, then change it to something you do like. There is no set recipe, really. Just put in what you like.
I made this juice and it was all I could do to keep myself from gulping it down. It was my lunch and I wanted to savor it for a couple of reasons. By gulping, you don't taste what it is you're drinking. Those great flavors don't have time to sit on your tongue if you gulp. So I sipped it. Took me about an hour to drink that glass of smoothie. Can you see how happy it made me? Totally changed my outlook for the day, I'd say. I felt more energetic and more alert.
I felt so good I went to group tonight. I brought along the rest of the smoothie to share. They liked it! I think the more I talk about juicing and smoothies, the more converts I get. They want to know what juicer I have, what veggies go together, etc. I guess I'd better become more knowledgeable about combinations of veggies for particular health reasons. I depend a lot on Cindy for that, but I need to learn for myself. For instance, I know that lettuce and cucumber are soothing drinks. Soothing to your stomach and soothing to your well-being. Besides, it's just darn delicious. Yes, mix them together. You'll love it!
I'll share one of my thoughts from group tonight and it's this: I said that since I've been juicing, I've been off my sugar train. Boy, oh boy, can I ride that train, too. I've been staying away from packaged foods and prepared foods in any way, including fast foods. There is just too much fat, salt and sugar in those foods. (More on that later in another post.) I feel so much better physically, but here's the greatest thing: I don't compulsively eat. The food I'm eating fills me in the right way nutritionally, that I don't feel the desire to snack on bad things. If I do get a little hungry, I grab some almonds, or snow peas or fruit and I really am satisfied. Now if you told me I would be eating this way 3-4 months ago, I would've said "yeah right", but I am doing it and I feel so good.
I know I can be successful with the gastric bypass now. I know what foods are good for me and what they can do for me to help me heal. I can do this!
Thursday, June 25, 2009
This sucks, but at least I learned something.
I'm going to try very hard at putting in at least a paragraph about my emotional being. I tend to skip over that and I think that when I do it's because I don't want to talk about something. Maybe. I don't know. So the food thing is going ok. I'm not really wanting to eat much. Last night I overdid it at dinner, but John made jalapeno-pineapple covered salmon on a plank and we had mixed veggies and a 1/2 clam shell with clam stuff in it. Yummo!
See how I deflect back to food? It's always about food. How it makes us feel. Just like dinner. Made me feel so good by eating good healthy food, but then I neglect to tell you about my feelings. Story of my life. Don't tell people about the (negative) feelings in my head, only the positive. Be positive and your life will be positive. Have a positive outlook and the world around you will be a happier place. Who told me that bullshit? People are people and they do what the hell they want. Yes, if you smile at someone they tend to smile back, but why? Not because you are changing them, but because it's polite.
I'm not trying to change the world here. I'm trying to change ME. Overall, I believe I have a positive outlook on life. I'm not grumpy very often. Why not? Is it because I'm stuffing feelings? A good friend (Cindy) told me to just feel my feelings. So what if I'm having a grumpy day. So what if I feel down today. Just feel it and go with it. Don't stuff it down with food or have someone try to bring me out of it. Feel it. FEEL IT!!!! That is more significant to me than you know, Cindy. I must feel my feelings, good or bad. My body is telling me something and I need to learn from that. So what if I have a down day. Yay if I'm having a good day. It's just a day, or a half a day or a couple of hours. I don't need to wallow in it or complain about it. Just feel it and carry on.
So that's what I'm doing today. Feeling it and carrying on. I'm not feeling particularly chipper and I'd really rather be by myself today. I'll have John remind me of my walks and my breathing exercises, but that's really all the interaction I want or need today. I just want me and my colored pencils today. Need some time for ME thinking.
Love to you all who read this.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
My smoothie was an interesting one. I saw the entry on this blog . It looked interesting and yummy so I thought I'd try it. I didn't have chia seeds but that was ok with me. So I put in the 1/2 cup of blueberries, the 1/2 avocado and blended it. Needed a little juice, so I put in a little peach juice. Wasn't quite there, so I put in a big dollop of low-fat Greek yogurt. It was quite yummy and very interesting. Not sure I'd make it again, but hey, gotta try new things, right?
I made John banana bread last night, so I had a piece just a few minutes ago. It was good, but nothing special. I ate it because there isn't much to choose from in the fridge. When John gets back from getting his truck washed, we'll go to Sprouts to get some veggies and fruits.
So how am I doing mentally....? Since no gastric bypass yet, I'm doing ok. I don't find that I am even thinking of food, really. It's like it's no big deal. As I mentioned yesterday, I only had ice chips for two days and I didn't even care. I wasn't that hungry, physically or mentally. Today I only ate the banana bread slice because I needed something in my tummy because it was growling. I really don't have much to say about this subject because I'm doing ok. Really.
John's home, off to the store we go.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I was very upset when I found out, but I understood. It makes sense and I'm glad he didn't do anything to jeopardize my life. I had a CT scan of my abdomen today. Funny thing about that. I had to drink this big container of this barium stuff. Yuck. Well, it really wasn't too yucky since all I've been able to have for the past two has has been ice chips. So I drank that down and went for the CT scan. The technician tells me I he's going to put iodine in my I.V. and do I know if I'm allergic? I've never had it so I say go for it. He tells me I might get warm in strange places. What the heck does that mean? So he injects the iodine and guess what gets warm, well hot, actually? My genitals! Yes, my pussy lips are on fire, but I cannot move.
Back to the room and I have to wait for the doctor get out of surgery to get me my results. In the mean time, John and I are walking the halls and I'm doing my breathing exercises. After a bit, I get tired and decide to lie down for a bit. All of a sudden, I get very weepy and start to cry. I'm pissed because I didn't get the surgery I really wanted. I can't stop crying and John holds my hand and he's sad, too. I cry for awhile to get it all out and then take a nap. Dr. Callery comes in and tells me the results of my CT scan. The mass on my lower intestines is just fat. Probably some fat that rolled over on itself. I'm glad, he's glad.
He tells me that he can reschedule me for gastric bypass on July 7th. At first, I was mad, but then I realized it's only a few weeks away. I told him that would be great and he put me on his schedule. I'll have my follow-up appointment with Kelly at the office on July 2nd and that would be my post-op/pre-op appt at the same time.
Ok, so now the only thing is this: Since I've had the laparascopic gallbladder removal, I know what to expect pain-wise with the laparascopic gastric bypass. I know the recovery, the discomfort and the pain. The only new thing will be food, or the lack of it for a while. I don't have a problem with not eating for a while. Besides the yogurt I just ate, the only thing I've had since midnight on Sunday was ice chips. The pain kind of takes over and I didn't feel hungry.
I wear a wide elastic binder around my middle. It really helps out with the pain. It doesn't seem to make much sense to put something constrictive on parts of your body that are painful, but it really does help. I'm grateful for that. The only apparatus I have attached to me right now is a little pump. The pump is filled with a marcaine type stuff. The end of the very thin tube is inside my stomach area next to where the gallbladder came out. It helps to numb the area so it doesn't hurt so much. This thing is called On-Q and it's great. It has 60-70 hours worth of medicine in there and when it's done, I just pull out the tube. Isn't that interesting?
John and I went for a walk down the block and back today. It was a gorgeous day outside. The rest of my walks were inside the house because I was really hurting this afternoon after the walk. I took a 3 hour nap after the walk, so I'm still feeling awake at the moment. I'm catching up on my Facebook and emails for the day. After that, I may finish up a couple of cards I started on Saturday.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Without further ado, here we go:
My bags are packed. Not much to pack, really. Jammies, toiletries and the old CPAP machine.
Dinner was at 4:30 today since I was not supposed to eat anything after 5pm. We had grilled chicken, sweet potato fries and a nice salad. I've been drinking soothing juices made from cabbage, so I hope I don't smell like cabbage tomorrow. haha I'm just finishing up a nice fruit tea and then after midnight, I'm not supposed to have anything. I really hope to be in bed and asleep by midnight. I hope the Xanax kicks in soon so I can sleep.
I haven't felt like I needed a Last Supper. Oh, last week I did have some of my favorite lunches, including sushi. I will miss sushi for a while, but I'll be able to have it in time. It's not like it will be forbidden. I'm a little hungry right now, but I know I will not die if I do not eat something. I've learned to let myself feel hunger and only feed the hunger, not the emotion. So, even though my brain wants me to eat, I will not eat. Brain does not win this time.
Ok, so I'm off to take my shower and make sure all the stuff is in my bag for the hospital. I'll be back in a couple of days ready to take on the world. Kisses to you all for sticking by me and understanding why I need to do this for ME. Love you all.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
My original juce recipe was the grapes, apples and pears. I really wanted to put in a beet or two (with the tops) but John turned his nose up at the thought, so that's when I put in the carrots. I told him that beets were sweet, but I didn't want him to not like the juice, so I put in carrots instead. It was still really yummy.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
After dinner, I made myself a juice. I just put in some of my favorite flavors. This isn't a very pretty juice, but it sure is delicious!
1 stalk celery
handful of parsley
handful of spinach
Here it is:
I love my juice really, really cold, so I add ice and stir it up.
Juice in the craft room, sitting next to the infamous cat whisker jar.
This is the magic juicing machine. I love this juicer. It's quiet and powerful. It's easy to assemble and take apart and doesn't take long to clean. What you can't see here is the large container in the back that holds all the veggie pulp.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I was having a mental day. No, not a crazy mental day, just mental. I'm anxious and excited about my surgery. I was having car issues. Thinking about the new cat cooped up in the bedroom. I was concerned about my doctor's appt that day. Did I lose or gain weight? Whatever I thought about, I worried about.
Doctor's appt went fine. Cindy went with me and we talked to the dietician and got some food things clarified. I'm going to be fine, I know that, but if you know me, I am the kind of person who has to do things perfectly or I don't do them. I have to make a recipe exactly the way it's written the first time. I have to make a craft exactly the way it is instructed. I have to follow a diet to the letter or I've failed. I'm learning, with the help of good friends (Cindy) and the dietician that I do not have to be perfect.
So here's the thing. After gastric bypass - in 11 more days! - my stomach will be the size of a walnut. Why I'm worried about filling that walnut is beside me. The first few days after surgery is clear liquids. Then on to soft foods, then after six weeks I can have salads and more solid foods. At that time, my stomach will be around the size of a lemon.
I am just so obsessed right now about putting healthy foods into that walnut! That's where Cindy comes in. She is helping me so much by showing me how to put healthy veggies and fruits into juices and smoothies. I just need to be more adventurous in the kitchen when making those things. As I said before, the recipe must be followed EXACTLY! HA!! Cindy says just put in what you like. WHAT?! No recipe? You've got to be kidding! I start getting the jitters and my pits start sweating. Say it isn't so!
So I am learning to mix healthy veggies and fruits into the concoctions I like so that what I put in my walnut is healthy. I am finding I crave a juice drink more than I am craving sugar. Now THAT is foreign to me. I'm used to hitting the snack machine or sneaking in that candy bar somewhere during my day. I did have sweets about four or five days ago. See previous post about eating myself out of house and home. The amazing thing to me is that my body is not craving the sugar. I'm craving veggies!
I feel like my future walnut is my baby. I have to nuture it and feed it healthy food so it can grow into a healthy lemon.
Monday, June 8, 2009
I got on the scale and it is UP UP UP! I have an appt tomorrow and I don't want to go. I'm scared that they will say I haven't lost all the weight I should've and they won't do my surgery. I do have two weeks left to lose about 5-7 lbs so it is doable, but I feel like I'm sabotaging myself.
I feel as if there is another person inside me making me do this to myself. Like I'm looking from the outside in and I don't see ME. I see another person pretending to be me so I'm not real. Like I'm not in touch with myself. Someone else is calling the shots. This sounds too weird, even to me.
I have to get my shit together. Surgery is exactly two weeks away and I cannot blow this. There will be no delaying of surgery because I can't lose 7 lbs. No way. I know, I know, I'm a procrastinator extraordinaire, but it can't happen with this. No way. This is me I have to do this time. It's me I have to save. It's me I have to care about and there is no other way to do it, but JUST DO IT!
God, why do I make it so difficult all the time? Why do I sabotage myself? Why? Why? WHY?
Ok, I took a deep breath. Have to concentrate on the positive. Need to get out the positive affirmations and actually say them to myself. I DO deserve this and I will have this. I will change my attitude.
I will not fail myself this time.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Today started out ok. I had a half cup of coffee and then ran out to get the new kitty, Goober. I didn't eat because I really wasn't hungry. When I got home at noon, I was starving. I found leftover black beans, carne asada, shredded lettuce, peppers, 1/2 a tomato and some cotija cheese and made myself a wrap. It was delicious, but I really could've had 1/2 of the wrap. I let myself eat the whole thing.
After eating the wrap, I headed upstairs to the craft room to get some projects done. I ate six, SIX! of those Rocher candies and a nutty peanut butter wafer thing. After an hour, I went downstairs and opened a bag of white cheddar popcorn and shared that with John. I promply fell asleep on the couch. A sugar stupor, I'm guessing.
Why am I eating like this after so long of eating so healthy? Am I subconciously eating the things I won't be able to eat after surgery? Ah, I just had an idea. Guess what I quit doing? JUICING! I think the veggies and fruit juices keep my blood sugar at a constant level and eating candy and crap put me back into the junkie mode - once I started the drug (sugar), I couldn't stop. After the nap now, I feel hung over. Have a slight pressure headache. Sugar is evil!
Instead of beating myself up mentally, I'm just accepting this slight deviation from my plan, and carry on. Get back to juicing and eating right. I don't know why I will only accept perfection from myself on eating better when it took me 50 years to get like this eating the way I have. I need to start treating myself the way I treat others, with more understanding and compassion.
I'm off to cook my garbanzo beans so I can make my hummus.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Breakfast was Greek Yogurt with honey. Lunch was leftover PickUpStix chicken stir fry with brown rice. I've had snacks today: almonds, sesame crackers with honey mustard, and more almonds. The last time I ate the almonds I thought I wanted something sweet, so I put some agave nectar on them. Although the nectar was sweet, it didn't do much for my almonds, so I gave that up.
You know, now that I write this down, I can see why I'm hungry. No juice, no veggies, no fruit. What the heck? How did I put myself in this position? Well I can tell you one thing, it won't happen again. At least this week. I don't like being hungry and I am not going to succumb to processed sugar just because my stomach is growling. I can see now that the juices help curb my appetite.
I'm also feeling cooped up, but who's fault is that? Mine, of course. There are only two of us in the department today, so I decided to stay in for lunch. Not getting outside getting fresh air definitely makes me feel sluggish. I think the whole feeling is just my body going through changes as the old crap (literally) is washed through my system. Feeling those feelings again just like the first time I ate them. Why must we relive our past? So we can learn, grasshopper.
So ok, I learned something today.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
For breakfast I had the stuff mentioned in the post below, so I won't rehash that. That held me until noon. I went home to let the cats in and out, then in, then out, then in, then out. I feel like a personal assistant sometimes. Cats can be such a pain in the ass sometimes, but I love all my kitties to death. Gizmo was a very good boy outside today. He didn't wander to the front yard at all. He just laid on the table (yes the table) in the sun and slept.
Meanwhile, I went inside to make some juice to sip on for the afternoon at work. I started to follow a "recipe" by Cindy (more on her in later posts) and realized I didn't have all the veggies in the recipe, so I just winged it and it turned out delicious! Here's what I made:
1 large, firm Roma tomato
2 stalks of celery
1 whole cucumber. Don't peel it - lots of good stuff in the skin
about 1/4 cup of onion. I don't know how much. I just sliced some off and put it in the juicer
1 large kale leaf
1/2 green bell pepper, seeded
I think that's it. I can't remember. I have to write this shit down so I can remember it later in case I want to make it again. Anywho, this juice is fab! I put some ice in it to make it taste crisper and it does. It is so yummy. If you have a juicer, try it. Try anything. Just juice it! Well, ok, maybe not chicken or a fish. That would be gross. Juice VEGGIES! Anything that sounds good to you.
Oh, and I saved the pulp from this batch of juice. I'm going to use it in tomorrow night's dinner. I got some nice sweet italian sausage (bulk) and I'm going to mix in as much veggie pulp as I can and then brown it up and serve it with noodles and some more veggies, probably broccoli. I'll let you know how that works.
Well, gotta go. Literally. The celery and the cucumber are doing their jobs.
Made my omelette, but made it too big. I mean, I used about 1/2 cup of EB instead of 1/4 cup. Not that I'm really measuring things, but I could've done with less egg. It was delicious, though. Sprinkled some of my toasted acorn squash seeds with cayenne on top of the avo on top of the omelette. Now I feel full. Fuller than full.
I was eating my breakfast while a co-worker sat and talked to me. I wanted to eat while it was still hot, so I did, but it ended up that it was mindless eating. Not in touch with my feelings emotionally or physically. That is why I overate. Plus, I think the coffee is messing with my stomach today. I've been weaning myself off coffee, but today I wanted some. It's the yucky Folgers coffee and I don't usually drink that. That is horrible coffee. John and I buy Blue Mountain coffee beans and grind our own. Folgers is just shit coffee. I should've stayed with my green tea today.
Live and learn.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
I'll talk about food, diet and my weight loss journey after gastric bypass surgery. More details later. Be prepared. This blog will not be censored.