Monday, June 29, 2009

Good day gone bad

This post is about yesterday, Sunday.

Woke up and was very hungry. The need to eat was first and foremost in my head. I can usually go at least an hour before I eat in the morning, but this day was different. I needed to eat. So I made up a simple smoothie:
I used my new Magic Bullet and put in 1/2 cucumber, large handful of spinach, some kale and the Chia fiber. It was refreshing and filling. Do not pay attention to the Margarita mix and the alcohol behind the smoothie. I did not put tequila in here, but hey, that's an idea....

So I drank my smoothie and went on with my day. I felt great. Not too many aches and pains from surgery, and my energy level felt pretty good, too. I headed out to get my car washed and to WalMart for a new bathroom scale and a few other things.

Almost done shopping and I'm getting very hungry. I'd probably been in the WM for a couple of hours and the hunger came on like wildfire. EAT! In the past, the first thing I grabbed to get rid of that awful(?) hunger feeling was processed carbs and sugars. Well, hey, they are everywhere and easy to purchase, you know? I grabbed my old binge buddy, chocolate-covered Hostess donuts. Oh man, I could eat those by the bagfuls, but I only bought the 6 pack of little donuts.

Once in the car, I got out my precious donuts. Opened the package and sniffed. Smelled off, but then I haven't had processed anything for about a month. I took a bite. Hmm. Something not right. Another bite (rest of the donut) and yuck. It tasted weird. Not the sugary sweetness, yumminess that I was expecting.

Maybe my taster was off, so I put in another whole donut in my mouth. Still yucky. Still hungry. Ate the 3rd donut. Now I'm getting sick. That fat lump in my belly is not feeling good. I threw away the rest of the donuts and stopped for sushi and seaweed salad instead. Ahhh, now that's FOOD!

Once I got home, I felt my body or rather my "being" being pulled towards eating. Like I was drawn to every food I could eat and eat it now. I was full from the donut blob and from the sushi/salad, but I still ate a chicken sandwich and soup at home for dinner a few hours later. Then still "hungry" I ate something else. It's like another person was inside my body telling my brain to eat when I wasn't hungry. I was disengaged from the whole thing. I knew I was full, but my brain kept telling me to eat.

So was it the sugar that started all that? I'm guessing yes. I didn't feel that way when I woke up, so it has to be the sugars. I am so convinced that sugar is a drug. I know that when I eat it, it's like I just continue to eat badly all day. Even if I eat something healthy during the day, I still keep bingeing until I am so uncomfortable I want to throw up. It's crazy and I hope I don't have many more of these days.

Friday, June 26, 2009

My world was just ROCKED!

This post does not need a picture. You probably don't want to see my face anyways. I have a smoothie mustache.

I was sitting watching tv and felt like having something sweet. John bought two kinds of ice cream today, but I have no desire to eat either one of them. Here's what I made instead:

Using your Magic Bullet:
  • Put one ripe banana in the mug (take the skin off, silly)
  • 3 big dollops of Greek God Greek yogurt with honey
  • a 3-second squirt of liquid chocolate. I used the non-fat variety. You know the kind you put on ice cream? Yeah, that kind.
  • Add 2 ice cubes.
  • Blend.

This tastes like a banana split to me. I actually moaned when I first tasted it. It is so damn good it's probably illegal in most states. I'm going to go take a cold shower now.

A Nutritional Disaster

I was very hungry when I got up this morning. By the time I had finished my 1/2 cup of coffee, I was ready to eat, but was feeling a bit "pooky" and I didn't really know what I wanted, so I waited to see if my body would tell me what it wanted. Around 10:00 it said it needed juice and protein of some kind, so I started the juice. I was making juice for two and since John tends to turn his nose up at green-tasting juices, I made this one sweet. Too sweet. I ended up putting in a kale leaf (yay me) and a handful of spinach. It was a little green, but maybe I could get away with serving him this juice. So I turned around to get the glasses out and saw that the food bin in the back of the juicer was not connected correctly (who cares at this point?) so I turned back to straighten it out and this is what happend:I am so, so sad. Not really that all the juice is all over the floor. Not because I wasted all that produce. No, I'm sad because the bowl I use to capture the juice from the juicer is one that belonged to my grandmother. It's just an old pyrex bowl, but it was a unique size with an old-fashioned design on the sides. I just about cried. I felt my insides get all cramped up and felt anxiety creeping in.

John helped me clean up the mess and I said good-bye to grandma's bowl. I will have to search through the antique stores for another one like it. It won't be the same because it's not grandma's, but oh well.

So, anxiety is settling in quickly. I'm very hungry and now I just want to EAT! Anything, anything, turn around in circles, find the food, find the food, give it to me! Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits, got to have me some kibbles and bits. You know that commercial? That's how I felt!

So did I do that? No, I took a walk around the house. Try to get in touch with the feelings inside. I'm feeling the anxiety over losing the bowl, I'm sore from being on my hands and knees cleaning up the juice/glass mess and I'm hungry!

After the quick walk, this is what ended up on my plate:

Greek low-fat yogurt with fresh strawberries, a banana and banana bread with canola oil margarine. I don't see any Little Debbie's snack cakes in there, do you? I need time to myself now. Upstairs with my breakfast I go. John follows me to make sure I'm ok. Who is this man? After he is assured I'm ok, he goes back downstairs.
I have to blog. Blog, blog, blog! Get it out, say it, purge the feelings into words, throw it up. So yes, I blog. My mind goes faster than I can write, so I type it. As I'm typing, I am calming down. No drugs necessary. Feel the feelings and deal, right?
So what's left of that breakfast? Half the banana bread, half a banana and half the yogurt, and guess what? I'm not hungry anymore. I didn't need that much stuff on my plate in the first place. Listening to my body and feeding it what it wants, not what I want to feed it. Taking care of my body. It's the only one I get.
Thank you, Doris.

It didn't turn out bad after all

See? I'm smiling!

This, my friends, is a green smoothie. It is so darn delicious!

Here's what's in it:

  • 1 kale leaf

  • 4 romaine lettuce leaves

  • big handful of spinach

  • 1 small cucumber

  • 1 banana

  • 1/2 avocado

  • 1 large tsp of chia meal

  • leftover pineapple juice from this morning (about 4 oz)

  • splash of peach nectar

I bet you are wondering where I got this combination of veggies. I got it from Cindy! I asked her for a good green smoothie and she suggested this combination of greens to start with. You can make this and if you don't like the flavors, then change it to something you do like. There is no set recipe, really. Just put in what you like.

I made this juice and it was all I could do to keep myself from gulping it down. It was my lunch and I wanted to savor it for a couple of reasons. By gulping, you don't taste what it is you're drinking. Those great flavors don't have time to sit on your tongue if you gulp. So I sipped it. Took me about an hour to drink that glass of smoothie. Can you see how happy it made me? Totally changed my outlook for the day, I'd say. I felt more energetic and more alert.

I felt so good I went to group tonight. I brought along the rest of the smoothie to share. They liked it! I think the more I talk about juicing and smoothies, the more converts I get. They want to know what juicer I have, what veggies go together, etc. I guess I'd better become more knowledgeable about combinations of veggies for particular health reasons. I depend a lot on Cindy for that, but I need to learn for myself. For instance, I know that lettuce and cucumber are soothing drinks. Soothing to your stomach and soothing to your well-being. Besides, it's just darn delicious. Yes, mix them together. You'll love it!

I'll share one of my thoughts from group tonight and it's this: I said that since I've been juicing, I've been off my sugar train. Boy, oh boy, can I ride that train, too. I've been staying away from packaged foods and prepared foods in any way, including fast foods. There is just too much fat, salt and sugar in those foods. (More on that later in another post.) I feel so much better physically, but here's the greatest thing: I don't compulsively eat. The food I'm eating fills me in the right way nutritionally, that I don't feel the desire to snack on bad things. If I do get a little hungry, I grab some almonds, or snow peas or fruit and I really am satisfied. Now if you told me I would be eating this way 3-4 months ago, I would've said "yeah right", but I am doing it and I feel so good.

I know I can be successful with the gastric bypass now. I know what foods are good for me and what they can do for me to help me heal. I can do this!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Thursday a.m.

It's only 8:48 am and I'm already done for the day. I got out of bed about 30 minutes ago because I needed pain medication. My belly is so sore and the liquid Vicodin just barely takes the edge off the pain. I did the kitchen/living room loop about 20 times to get my blood flowing and energy up, but I just don't feel it today. I will have to remember that the day I'm feeling really good, not to overdo it because I'll pay for it the next day.

This sucks, but at least I learned something.

I'm going to try very hard at putting in at least a paragraph about my emotional being. I tend to skip over that and I think that when I do it's because I don't want to talk about something. Maybe. I don't know. So the food thing is going ok. I'm not really wanting to eat much. Last night I overdid it at dinner, but John made jalapeno-pineapple covered salmon on a plank and we had mixed veggies and a 1/2 clam shell with clam stuff in it. Yummo!

See how I deflect back to food? It's always about food. How it makes us feel. Just like dinner. Made me feel so good by eating good healthy food, but then I neglect to tell you about my feelings. Story of my life. Don't tell people about the (negative) feelings in my head, only the positive. Be positive and your life will be positive. Have a positive outlook and the world around you will be a happier place. Who told me that bullshit? People are people and they do what the hell they want. Yes, if you smile at someone they tend to smile back, but why? Not because you are changing them, but because it's polite.

I'm not trying to change the world here. I'm trying to change ME. Overall, I believe I have a positive outlook on life. I'm not grumpy very often. Why not? Is it because I'm stuffing feelings? A good friend (Cindy) told me to just feel my feelings. So what if I'm having a grumpy day. So what if I feel down today. Just feel it and go with it. Don't stuff it down with food or have someone try to bring me out of it. Feel it. FEEL IT!!!! That is more significant to me than you know, Cindy. I must feel my feelings, good or bad. My body is telling me something and I need to learn from that. So what if I have a down day. Yay if I'm having a good day. It's just a day, or a half a day or a couple of hours. I don't need to wallow in it or complain about it. Just feel it and carry on.

So that's what I'm doing today. Feeling it and carrying on. I'm not feeling particularly chipper and I'd really rather be by myself today. I'll have John remind me of my walks and my breathing exercises, but that's really all the interaction I want or need today. I just want me and my colored pencils today. Need some time for ME thinking.

Love to you all who read this.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Good Day

I am feeling quite well today. Not a lot of pain in the old gallbladder area unless I press on it. Still have the marcaine drip pump thingy but that will be gone in a couple of days. I'm doing well with my breathing exercises and I'm doing ok with food. I've only had a smoothie and a piece of banana bread so far today. I'm just not hungry.

My smoothie was an interesting one. I saw the entry on this blog . It looked interesting and yummy so I thought I'd try it. I didn't have chia seeds but that was ok with me. So I put in the 1/2 cup of blueberries, the 1/2 avocado and blended it. Needed a little juice, so I put in a little peach juice. Wasn't quite there, so I put in a big dollop of low-fat Greek yogurt. It was quite yummy and very interesting. Not sure I'd make it again, but hey, gotta try new things, right?

I made John banana bread last night, so I had a piece just a few minutes ago. It was good, but nothing special. I ate it because there isn't much to choose from in the fridge. When John gets back from getting his truck washed, we'll go to Sprouts to get some veggies and fruits.

So how am I doing mentally....? Since no gastric bypass yet, I'm doing ok. I don't find that I am even thinking of food, really. It's like it's no big deal. As I mentioned yesterday, I only had ice chips for two days and I didn't even care. I wasn't that hungry, physically or mentally. Today I only ate the banana bread slice because I needed something in my tummy because it was growling. I really don't have much to say about this subject because I'm doing ok. Really.

John's home, off to the store we go.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

First Surgery Update

I was supposed to go in on Monday and have two things done: gastric bypass and gallbladder removal. The doctor only did the gallbladder removal because he found a mass on my lower intestines. Rather than possibly get over his head in not knowing what the mass was by trying to remove it, move it or disturb it, he opted not to do the gastric bypass.

I was very upset when I found out, but I understood. It makes sense and I'm glad he didn't do anything to jeopardize my life. I had a CT scan of my abdomen today. Funny thing about that. I had to drink this big container of this barium stuff. Yuck. Well, it really wasn't too yucky since all I've been able to have for the past two has has been ice chips. So I drank that down and went for the CT scan. The technician tells me I he's going to put iodine in my I.V. and do I know if I'm allergic? I've never had it so I say go for it. He tells me I might get warm in strange places. What the heck does that mean? So he injects the iodine and guess what gets warm, well hot, actually? My genitals! Yes, my pussy lips are on fire, but I cannot move.

Back to the room and I have to wait for the doctor get out of surgery to get me my results. In the mean time, John and I are walking the halls and I'm doing my breathing exercises. After a bit, I get tired and decide to lie down for a bit. All of a sudden, I get very weepy and start to cry. I'm pissed because I didn't get the surgery I really wanted. I can't stop crying and John holds my hand and he's sad, too. I cry for awhile to get it all out and then take a nap. Dr. Callery comes in and tells me the results of my CT scan. The mass on my lower intestines is just fat. Probably some fat that rolled over on itself. I'm glad, he's glad.

He tells me that he can reschedule me for gastric bypass on July 7th. At first, I was mad, but then I realized it's only a few weeks away. I told him that would be great and he put me on his schedule. I'll have my follow-up appointment with Kelly at the office on July 2nd and that would be my post-op/pre-op appt at the same time.

Ok, so now the only thing is this: Since I've had the laparascopic gallbladder removal, I know what to expect pain-wise with the laparascopic gastric bypass. I know the recovery, the discomfort and the pain. The only new thing will be food, or the lack of it for a while. I don't have a problem with not eating for a while. Besides the yogurt I just ate, the only thing I've had since midnight on Sunday was ice chips. The pain kind of takes over and I didn't feel hungry.

I wear a wide elastic binder around my middle. It really helps out with the pain. It doesn't seem to make much sense to put something constrictive on parts of your body that are painful, but it really does help. I'm grateful for that. The only apparatus I have attached to me right now is a little pump. The pump is filled with a marcaine type stuff. The end of the very thin tube is inside my stomach area next to where the gallbladder came out. It helps to numb the area so it doesn't hurt so much. This thing is called On-Q and it's great. It has 60-70 hours worth of medicine in there and when it's done, I just pull out the tube. Isn't that interesting?

John and I went for a walk down the block and back today. It was a gorgeous day outside. The rest of my walks were inside the house because I was really hurting this afternoon after the walk. I took a 3 hour nap after the walk, so I'm still feeling awake at the moment. I'm catching up on my Facebook and emails for the day. After that, I may finish up a couple of cards I started on Saturday.

Fast note

I need to update since my surgery, but I'm sore and tired. Will write later or tomorrow.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

The pictures. Gulp!

I knew I wanted before pictures, but once they were taken, I wasn't so sure I wanted to post them on the blog. I feel so vulnerable. You see all my rolls and fat and my gut and well, I guess I don't need to point it all out. You can see it for yourself. I'll be doing this every week so I can track my progress.

Without further ado, here we go:

Tomorrow is the day

In exactly 13 hours, I will be in surgery. Wow. It seems like it's taken forever to get here, and now it's here. I was feeling fine up until 30 minutes ago and I started getting all anxious and nervous, so I took a Xanax. No reason not to. I need to be able to sleep tonight.

My bags are packed. Not much to pack, really. Jammies, toiletries and the old CPAP machine.

Dinner was at 4:30 today since I was not supposed to eat anything after 5pm. We had grilled chicken, sweet potato fries and a nice salad. I've been drinking soothing juices made from cabbage, so I hope I don't smell like cabbage tomorrow. haha I'm just finishing up a nice fruit tea and then after midnight, I'm not supposed to have anything. I really hope to be in bed and asleep by midnight. I hope the Xanax kicks in soon so I can sleep.

I haven't felt like I needed a Last Supper. Oh, last week I did have some of my favorite lunches, including sushi. I will miss sushi for a while, but I'll be able to have it in time. It's not like it will be forbidden. I'm a little hungry right now, but I know I will not die if I do not eat something. I've learned to let myself feel hunger and only feed the hunger, not the emotion. So, even though my brain wants me to eat, I will not eat. Brain does not win this time.

Ok, so I'm off to take my shower and make sure all the stuff is in my bag for the hospital. I'll be back in a couple of days ready to take on the world. Kisses to you all for sticking by me and understanding why I need to do this for ME. Love you all.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Saturday's breakfast

Happy Saturday!
Woke up this morning with right shoulder pain, so I went straight out to the spa and soaked for about an hour. It felt so good and my arm is much better.
John said he was going to make breakfast and what popped into my head? A WRAP! Man, I love those wraps. So here's what's in my wrap:
Spinach Garden tortilla
two scrambled eggs
1 slice bacon
green pepper
1/4 avocado
sliced tomatoes
It was freakin' delicious!
I had my usual 1/2 cup of coffee, but felt like I wanted to make some juice. John looked a little dubious about having me make him some juice. He's turned his nose up at a few of my juices so far, so I decided to make a sweet one. For two cups of juice, I put these in the juicer:
big bunch of green grapes
2 apples
2 pears
2 carrots

My original juce recipe was the grapes, apples and pears. I really wanted to put in a beet or two (with the tops) but John turned his nose up at the thought, so that's when I put in the carrots. I told him that beets were sweet, but I didn't want him to not like the juice, so I put in carrots instead. It was still really yummy.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Four more days

Wow, it hit me today - my surgery is in 4 days!
Yesterday, John and I went to see the surgeon and sign the papers and talk about whatever.  We talked to the nurse practitioner first.  Between the two visits, we were there for two hours.  Two hours, people!  When is the last time you had a doctor's visit that they actually took time to sit there with you and talk about what you wanted to talk about??  We discussed meds, diet and the actual surgery.  Since I have gallstones, we are going to go ahead and take the gallbladder out at the same time he does the gastric bypass.  I don't want to have to go in for another surgery in 4-6 months to have the gallbladder out when he can do it now.  It's only going to be trouble later on. 
I was so nervous about that appointment.  I mean so nervous I had to take some anti-anxiety meds.  I don't usually get nervous before doctor's appointments, but this one really mattered to me.  I was nervous that I hadn't lost enough weight to do the surgery.  When I started this whole process back in December, 2008, I weighed 290.  Now I weigh 274.  Neither the NP or the doc mentioned anything about my weight.  Well only to tell me I did a good job losing weight so far.  Yay me!  That was my biggest fear though, not losing enough weight to be able to go through with the surgery, but now that that is not an issue, I'm more relaxed and am ready to get this show on the road, baby!
Today was the appointment at the hospital with the admissions nurse.  We went over meds and allergies and what the whole procedure from admitting to recovery room would be like.  It's very comforting knowing what will happen.  John will take me to the hospital at 8am and my surgery is at 11am.  I'll be in surgery and then recovery until at least 4pm, so I'm telling John to go home and relax.  I don't need him to be sitting in the uncomfortable waiting room just so he's in the building.  I'm not like that.  He can go back to the hospital after I'm in my regular room.  His job will be to get me up and walking the halls.  If all goes well, I'll be in the hospital 1-2 days and then homeward bound. 
I'm very happy my eating frenzy has slowed to a halt.  I don't feel the urge to eat sugar at all.  I believe those veggie juices are helping with that a lot.  Why would you need candy when you can have any kind of juice you want?  Now that's what I'm talkin' about!  I didn't make a juice after dinner last night because I didn't want one for one thing, and the other thing was that while John was doing dinner dishes (yes, ladies, he does the dishes!  Nope, can't have him, he's all mine!!) he plugged up the drain, so he had to go out and buy that Liquid Plummer stuff.  Eww, I hate that stuff, but what to do?  His problem and he solved it.
So, I'm supposed to be sticking to about 1000 calories a day until surgery.  I'm not going to count calories.  I hate doing that.  What I will do, however, is to eat healthy food with no junk.  Cut out the breads and sweets and I will be fine.  
I know I'm rambling on and on, but apparently I have a lot to say today.
You know what I thought of today?  I realized I was worried about losing my fat body.  I could hide my emotions behind the fat, but when I'm thinner and have a smaller stomach, I won't be able to eat myself into that abyss any more.  You know what?  I think I will have a funeral for my fat on Sunday.  I will be saying goodbye to a lifelong friend, and that will be difficult.  A friend who comforted me in times of sadness, loneliness and anger.  The fat that kept me away from doing things like riding my bike, hiking and reaching out to other people.  The fat that let me seclude myself in my craft room with hidden sugary snacks when I didn't want to deal with real life and conversations with my husband.  This friend is going to die on Sunday and I will miss her, but she will be going to a better place and so will I. 

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Going, going, gone!

I was craving my juice today and had no veggies in the house, so off to Sprouts I went. Filled my basket with lots and lots of green, red, yellow and orange. So beautiful!

After dinner, I made myself a juice. I just put in some of my favorite flavors. This isn't a very pretty juice, but it sure is delicious!

1 carrot
1/2 cucumber
1 stalk celery
handful of parsley
handful of spinach

Here it is:

I love my juice really, really cold, so I add ice and stir it up.

Juice in the craft room, sitting next to the infamous cat whisker jar.

GONE! Man, that was so delicious!

This is the magic juicing machine. I love this juicer. It's quiet and powerful. It's easy to assemble and take apart and doesn't take long to clean. What you can't see here is the large container in the back that holds all the veggie pulp.
If you haven't tried juicing yet, why not? Lots of information on the internet and from books. Give it a try. Just start juicing your favorite veggies and make your own "V8" juice. You will never go back to commercial vegetable juice again.

Crazy Nervousness

I have been a nervous wreck these past few days.  My heartbeat is faster, my legs keep twitching, I'm clenching my teeth and my brain is going a mile a minute.  I can't keep a thought for more than a minute.  I'm not nervous about the surgery really.  Not the actual surgery, but of the unknown afterwards. 
Like it was said to me, this is not like an appendectomy where you recover and life goes on.  This is a life-changing operation and not knowing what's to come is nervewracking.  I mean, yeah, I've read blogs and bulletin boards about how people who've gone through gastric bypass have reported their recovery, but it's not ME.  I'm really trying to learn, but my brain is muddled, confused and is sparking so fast I can't keep up! 
I'm not worried about the hospital.  Not worried about recovery.  Truth?  I'm worried about the doctor appointment tomorrow.  What if I didn't lose those last two pounds?  What if I gained weight?  Will they postpone my surgery?  OMG, I will go crazy!  I've really done my best, but I am human, and I am an emotional overeater, so what can I really expect?  I'm trying to use the tools I learned in group sessions, but they're muddled along with everything else.  I just can't think!!
I just want this to be over.  I want this so bad I can taste it.   Yeah, taste it.  haha! 
Surgery is Monday morning.  I am ready.  I think John is ready.  We both read over all the informed consents and will be ready for the surgeon tomorrow.  On paper, everything is in order.  My brain is just flying off the handle right now.  Maybe that's normal? 
At least my eating frenzy is over.  I can relax about that.  No more eating everything in sight.  When I'm hungry, I eat a handful of raw almonds and I feel better.  The almonds keep my mouth busy with all the crunching and it satisfies the grumbling in my tummy.  Or is it in my brain?  Either way, it works and it's better than snacking on bad foods. 
Which brings me to that.  There are no dangerous foods in our house.  Not like exploding food, but that would be interesting...  I mean dangerous for me to eat.  No refined sugars, no sodas, no candy.  If I want sweet, there are dates and fruit.  If I want crunch, there are veggies and nuts.  The kitchen is safe. 
I'm kind of doing the "last supper" thing this week.  Yesterday was a nice sushi lunch.  I won't be able to have rice for at least 3 months post-op, but I can have sashimi after about 3 weeks, I think.  Last night was a hamburger piled with tomatoes, avocado, lettuce, onions and pickles with cucumber slices on the side.  Today's breakfast was a drive-thru McD's because I was starving and running late for work.  Bad choice, but I didn't want to obsess about not having food at work to eat and being hungry all morning.  Bad planning, bad choices, you know?  I haven't planned tonight's dinner yet.  I'm thinking chicken and veggies.  Maybe some pasta. 
After work I'm hitting the market for some veggies to get me through the week.  Need to stock up on veggies to calm my nerves. 

Thursday, June 11, 2009

The Walnut

Tuesday was rough for me.

I was having a mental day. No, not a crazy mental day, just mental. I'm anxious and excited about my surgery. I was having car issues. Thinking about the new cat cooped up in the bedroom. I was concerned about my doctor's appt that day. Did I lose or gain weight? Whatever I thought about, I worried about.

Doctor's appt went fine. Cindy went with me and we talked to the dietician and got some food things clarified. I'm going to be fine, I know that, but if you know me, I am the kind of person who has to do things perfectly or I don't do them. I have to make a recipe exactly the way it's written the first time. I have to make a craft exactly the way it is instructed. I have to follow a diet to the letter or I've failed. I'm learning, with the help of good friends (Cindy) and the dietician that I do not have to be perfect.

So here's the thing. After gastric bypass - in 11 more days! - my stomach will be the size of a walnut. Why I'm worried about filling that walnut is beside me. The first few days after surgery is clear liquids. Then on to soft foods, then after six weeks I can have salads and more solid foods. At that time, my stomach will be around the size of a lemon.

I am just so obsessed right now about putting healthy foods into that walnut! That's where Cindy comes in. She is helping me so much by showing me how to put healthy veggies and fruits into juices and smoothies. I just need to be more adventurous in the kitchen when making those things. As I said before, the recipe must be followed EXACTLY! HA!! Cindy says just put in what you like. WHAT?! No recipe? You've got to be kidding! I start getting the jitters and my pits start sweating. Say it isn't so!

So I am learning to mix healthy veggies and fruits into the concoctions I like so that what I put in my walnut is healthy. I am finding I crave a juice drink more than I am craving sugar. Now THAT is foreign to me. I'm used to hitting the snack machine or sneaking in that candy bar somewhere during my day. I did have sweets about four or five days ago. See previous post about eating myself out of house and home. The amazing thing to me is that my body is not craving the sugar. I'm craving veggies!

I feel like my future walnut is my baby. I have to nuture it and feed it healthy food so it can grow into a healthy lemon.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Why oh Why??

I just can't help myself. Seems like everything edible within my grasp is eaten. Oh I did turn down ice cream tonight, but then I'm not a big ice cream eater. Yay for me.

I got on the scale and it is UP UP UP! I have an appt tomorrow and I don't want to go. I'm scared that they will say I haven't lost all the weight I should've and they won't do my surgery. I do have two weeks left to lose about 5-7 lbs so it is doable, but I feel like I'm sabotaging myself.

I feel as if there is another person inside me making me do this to myself. Like I'm looking from the outside in and I don't see ME. I see another person pretending to be me so I'm not real. Like I'm not in touch with myself. Someone else is calling the shots. This sounds too weird, even to me.

I have to get my shit together. Surgery is exactly two weeks away and I cannot blow this. There will be no delaying of surgery because I can't lose 7 lbs. No way. I know, I know, I'm a procrastinator extraordinaire, but it can't happen with this. No way. This is me I have to do this time. It's me I have to save. It's me I have to care about and there is no other way to do it, but JUST DO IT!

God, why do I make it so difficult all the time? Why do I sabotage myself? Why? Why? WHY?

Ok, I took a deep breath. Have to concentrate on the positive. Need to get out the positive affirmations and actually say them to myself. I DO deserve this and I will have this. I will change my attitude.

I will not fail myself this time.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Is is armageddon?

I feel like I'm eating like there's no tomorrow.

Today started out ok. I had a half cup of coffee and then ran out to get the new kitty, Goober. I didn't eat because I really wasn't hungry. When I got home at noon, I was starving. I found leftover black beans, carne asada, shredded lettuce, peppers, 1/2 a tomato and some cotija cheese and made myself a wrap. It was delicious, but I really could've had 1/2 of the wrap. I let myself eat the whole thing.

After eating the wrap, I headed upstairs to the craft room to get some projects done. I ate six, SIX! of those Rocher candies and a nutty peanut butter wafer thing. After an hour, I went downstairs and opened a bag of white cheddar popcorn and shared that with John. I promply fell asleep on the couch. A sugar stupor, I'm guessing.

Why am I eating like this after so long of eating so healthy? Am I subconciously eating the things I won't be able to eat after surgery? Ah, I just had an idea. Guess what I quit doing? JUICING! I think the veggies and fruit juices keep my blood sugar at a constant level and eating candy and crap put me back into the junkie mode - once I started the drug (sugar), I couldn't stop. After the nap now, I feel hung over. Have a slight pressure headache. Sugar is evil!

Instead of beating myself up mentally, I'm just accepting this slight deviation from my plan, and carry on. Get back to juicing and eating right. I don't know why I will only accept perfection from myself on eating better when it took me 50 years to get like this eating the way I have. I need to start treating myself the way I treat others, with more understanding and compassion.

I'm off to cook my garbanzo beans so I can make my hummus.

Friday, June 5, 2009

Today is tough

I'm having a tough food day today. I'm fighting the munchies and I THINK I have a sweet tooth, but not so sure.

Breakfast was Greek Yogurt with honey. Lunch was leftover PickUpStix chicken stir fry with brown rice. I've had snacks today: almonds, sesame crackers with honey mustard, and more almonds. The last time I ate the almonds I thought I wanted something sweet, so I put some agave nectar on them. Although the nectar was sweet, it didn't do much for my almonds, so I gave that up.

You know, now that I write this down, I can see why I'm hungry. No juice, no veggies, no fruit. What the heck? How did I put myself in this position? Well I can tell you one thing, it won't happen again. At least this week. I don't like being hungry and I am not going to succumb to processed sugar just because my stomach is growling. I can see now that the juices help curb my appetite.

I'm also feeling cooped up, but who's fault is that? Mine, of course. There are only two of us in the department today, so I decided to stay in for lunch. Not getting outside getting fresh air definitely makes me feel sluggish. I think the whole feeling is just my body going through changes as the old crap (literally) is washed through my system. Feeling those feelings again just like the first time I ate them. Why must we relive our past? So we can learn, grasshopper.

So ok, I learned something today.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Thursday was an ok day

I'm not a horse. Really I'm not. I only say that because I had another carrot for breakfast. Hey, it's good nutrition and it's easy to eat in the car. If I start neighing, I guess I'll give up the carrot habit, but for now, it's a go.

For breakfast I had the stuff mentioned in the post below, so I won't rehash that. That held me until noon. I went home to let the cats in and out, then in, then out, then in, then out. I feel like a personal assistant sometimes. Cats can be such a pain in the ass sometimes, but I love all my kitties to death. Gizmo was a very good boy outside today. He didn't wander to the front yard at all. He just laid on the table (yes the table) in the sun and slept.

Meanwhile, I went inside to make some juice to sip on for the afternoon at work. I started to follow a "recipe" by Cindy (more on her in later posts) and realized I didn't have all the veggies in the recipe, so I just winged it and it turned out delicious! Here's what I made:

1 large, firm Roma tomato
2 stalks of celery
2 carrots
1 whole cucumber. Don't peel it - lots of good stuff in the skin
about 1/4 cup of onion. I don't know how much. I just sliced some off and put it in the juicer
1 large kale leaf
1/2 green bell pepper, seeded

I think that's it. I can't remember. I have to write this shit down so I can remember it later in case I want to make it again. Anywho, this juice is fab! I put some ice in it to make it taste crisper and it does. It is so yummy. If you have a juicer, try it. Try anything. Just juice it! Well, ok, maybe not chicken or a fish. That would be gross. Juice VEGGIES! Anything that sounds good to you.

Oh, and I saved the pulp from this batch of juice. I'm going to use it in tomorrow night's dinner. I got some nice sweet italian sausage (bulk) and I'm going to mix in as much veggie pulp as I can and then brown it up and serve it with noodles and some more veggies, probably broccoli. I'll let you know how that works.

Well, gotta go. Literally. The celery and the cucumber are doing their jobs.


Got up late again. Man, I hate it when I do that. Scrubbed a carrot to munch on on my way to work. Bagged up some broccoli, cauliflower and mushrooms to have in my Egg Beaters omelet. Oh and I grabbed an avocado, too, because there are healthy fats in avocadoes.

Made my omelette, but made it too big. I mean, I used about 1/2 cup of EB instead of 1/4 cup. Not that I'm really measuring things, but I could've done with less egg. It was delicious, though. Sprinkled some of my toasted acorn squash seeds with cayenne on top of the avo on top of the omelette. Now I feel full. Fuller than full.

I was eating my breakfast while a co-worker sat and talked to me. I wanted to eat while it was still hot, so I did, but it ended up that it was mindless eating. Not in touch with my feelings emotionally or physically. That is why I overate. Plus, I think the coffee is messing with my stomach today. I've been weaning myself off coffee, but today I wanted some. It's the yucky Folgers coffee and I don't usually drink that. That is horrible coffee. John and I buy Blue Mountain coffee beans and grind our own. Folgers is just shit coffee. I should've stayed with my green tea today.

Live and learn.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

New blog, first post

I've decided to start a new blog. One that I can rant, chat or ramble about what's going on with me and my world. I do have another blog, a craft blog, but some things are just more appropriate in a separate place.

I'll talk about food, diet and my weight loss journey after gastric bypass surgery. More details later. Be prepared. This blog will not be censored.