Why do I push that envelope??

To weigh myself and I'm 223 today, trash day.

I'm happy to have lost weight consistently, but I'm also disappointed that it isn't coming off more quickly.  I've tried writing down everything I eat and drink and make sure to count up the proteins and calories.  From that, I've determined I'm eating right around 1,000 calories a day but only 20-25 grams of protein, max.  That is not enough protein.  Maybe my body needs more protein to do whatever it does to metabolize fat?  I've never really understood the whole "eat this and this and this if you want to make it turn into a fat burner" thing.  I really just don't care.  I just want someone to say, "Don't eat this, or eat this and you will lose weight". 

I need guidelines.  Big ones.  Give me an inch and I take the mile, you know?  "Ok, so you can eat a little bit of sugar."  Ha!  I eat a little, and the next thing you know, I've eaten the whole sugary thing, you know?  I know myself.  I know that I will ignore the little voice in my head that says "enough already" and will just continue eating or drinking.  I am an addict.  A food addict and a sugar addict.  I don't believe that will ever change, but I can do something about it. 

I can learn to choose the right things to eat.  In moderation.  I can also choose to eat more of something if that's what I need.  Like protein.  I have to make myself take my pills every day.  I hate taking pills and I conveniently forget to take them.  Bad, very bad.  I have been "forgetting" to eat enough protein and to take my multivitamins and calcium every day.  My hair is falling out.  Not in bunches, but every day, all day, I find many, many hairs in the sink and on the desk.  I am saddened by this because it is my doing, but do I remember to take my pills and eat the protein?  No.  Why is that?  Do I not care enough about myself or am I really still the same person I was when I was 290 lbs and just waited for the other shoe to drop: the heart attack, diabetes, hypertension.  Why must I always push the envelope?

Do I think it makes people pay more attention to me?  Am I looking for attention?  We all want a certain amount of attention in our lives.  Not just for accolades for losing weight, but for positive reinforcement that we are liked/loved.  "You look great today.  I love your sweater."  "Great job on the XYZ project."  "Thanks for cooking such a nice dinner." (Yeah, like that last one would ever happen.)  I don't know why I push the envelope all the time.  I do it with everything, come to think of it.  Relationships, taxes, projects at work, design team projects.  I do not like the fact that I'm always finishing things at the last minute, so why do I do it?  Any ideas?  I'm going to bring this up at the monthly group therapy on Thursday.  Maybe those women can tell me why I do what I do. 

Well, it wasn't my intent to get that far into my psyche today, but I did.  I needed to, I guess.  I've been hiding out long enough.  Time to pay the piper.