Yes. I'm back. It's been way too long.
I like to think of myself as a good communicator, but I'm not. I like to think that I am clear in my thinking and speaking, but I'm not. There's a lot of noise in my head and sometimes the static takes over.
My case in point:
I feel that if I don't purge (write down) my thoughts about feeling out of control with food, then they don't exist. If I ignore them, they will go away (under the covers). If I tell someone else either in person or in blog, then it's real. People read it. My shit is out there and I can't take it back.
It's like the old days. The freezer would be filled with frozen treats, but I wasn't allowed to eat them because I was always overweight and on some type of diet. (My first diet was melba toast and chicken broth at age 12.) So when no one else was home, I would sneak the tasty treats, rearrange the rest of them so you couldn't tell I took anything, and I'd gobble them down and hide the wrappers. If no one else sees it, then it doesn't exist, right? I could hide from others for a time, but then it became very apparent my diet of crackers and broth wasn't working. Imagine that!
So I have this blog to keep myself honest. I've made mistakes and I'll continue to make mistakes, but I'm going to forgive myself because I'm human. I can't be perfect no matter how hard I try. There will be another blog post soon on my ongoing pursuit of perfectionism.
I've heard it said that it takes 30 days to make a change in behavior. My change will be to determine my hunger, emotional or physical, and eat accordingly. After 30 days, then I make another change. I will not try to change the world in 3 days as in failed attempts in the past. Slowly, but surely.
Oh, and if anyone thinks that gastric bypass is the easy way out, kiss my (shrinking) butt. It's not just about the food. It's more mental than you'd think. It makes you face your demons and they are scary.