I'm really feeling the difference today. The difference of the 5 pound weight loss.
When I weighed upwards of 290, I can remember being on a diet and losing 5 pounds. Whoopie! It was just a number. I couldn't tell the difference in my clothes or my appearance. But losing 5 pounds at 209 makes a huge difference. The size 18 pants I've been wearing were a little tight around the waist, the butt and the thighs, but now they are a little loose. Weird. Don't get me wrong, it's not BAD by any means, just weird to me. I'm not used to the differences a little weight loss can make.
I don't have to squeeze into my office chair like I used to at 290. I can "squeeze by" people in a room and not feel like I need to yell "Fat girl coming through. Please move aside!" I can just slip by sideways and not even touch people. In restaurants, I don't have to pre-navigate the route out if I'm in a crowded dining room. Not having to worry about going between chairs and not bumping the other diners. An overweight person totally gets this. When I was 290, I felt like I was invisible to other people, especially men. I don't mean invisible invisible, I mean that I was so fat they didn't even look at me. I was invisible to them. I don't feel like other women are looking at me and thinking, "oh god, I will NEVER get that big!" I used to say the same thing about big women and then I was one. I get it.
Weight loss does a number on your head whether you want it to or not. It makes you face your demons. ALL of them! I'm going through the crap and I don't really like that I'm forced to (by my body), but I'm glad I am. I'll be a better, more focused and attentive person once I get through this. I'll be normal, whatever that is.
The best thing about all this? I'm not eating to cover up emotions. I can't, really. I mean, yes, I can EAT, I just can't binge, I can't graze like before. It's not physically possible. I get sick. I'm forced to deal with the feelings and sometimes that is not pleasant. At all. But I do it. I'm proud of me for doing that. It's new to me and I'm dealing and guess what? I'm not perfect! Imagine that. Not perfect and I'm ok with that!!