Thursday, April 1, 2010

Feeling the difference

I'm really feeling the difference today.  The difference of the 5 pound weight loss. 
When I weighed upwards of 290, I can remember being on a diet and losing 5 pounds.  Whoopie!  It was just a number.  I couldn't tell the difference in my clothes or my appearance.  But losing 5 pounds at 209 makes a huge difference.  The size 18 pants I've been wearing were a little tight around the waist, the butt and the thighs, but now they are a little loose.  Weird.  Don't get me wrong, it's not BAD by any means, just weird to me.  I'm not used to the differences a little weight loss can make.
I don't have to squeeze into my office chair like I used to at 290.  I can "squeeze by" people in a room and not feel like I need to yell "Fat girl coming through.  Please move aside!"  I can just slip by sideways and not even touch people.  In restaurants, I don't have to pre-navigate the route out if I'm in a crowded dining room.  Not having to worry about going between chairs and not bumping the other diners.  An overweight person totally gets this.  When I was 290, I felt like I was invisible to other people, especially men.  I don't mean invisible invisible, I mean that I was so fat they didn't even look at me.  I was invisible to them.  I don't feel like other women are looking at me and thinking, "oh god, I will NEVER get that big!"  I used to say the same thing about big women and then I was one.  I get it.
Weight loss does a number on your head whether you want it to or not.  It makes you face your demons.  ALL of them!  I'm going through the crap and I don't really like that I'm forced to (by my body), but I'm glad I am.  I'll be a better, more focused and attentive person once I get through this.  I'll be normal, whatever that is. 
The best thing about all this?  I'm not eating to cover up emotions.  I can't, really.  I mean, yes, I can EAT, I just can't binge, I can't graze like before.  It's not physically possible.  I get sick.  I'm forced to deal with the feelings and sometimes that is not pleasant.  At all.  But I do it.  I'm proud of me for doing that.  It's new to me and I'm dealing and guess what?  I'm not perfect!  Imagine that.  Not perfect and I'm ok with that!!

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