Feeling blue?

Why am I feeling so blue?  Is it the weather?  Life?  Meds?  Food?  Probably all of the above.

 

I just feel so BLAH and have been for a couple of weeks now.  I've felt very out-of-sorts since my dental surgery last Wednesday.  Bone grafts, extractions, gluing, etc., but that's not all of what makes me feel so yucky. 

 

Going through a bit of a relationship shift right now, but we're working on that one.  It's hard work and I feel at my age, I'm not sure I want to do it sometimes.  Just so tired of stuff.  Just want to hide away in a cabin with a fireplace, soft warm bed, knitting, tv and endless vanilla lattes. 

 

I'm tired of working.  I have to get my head on straight.  I just keep thinking I'm tired of working this same job every day, but then I only have 7 years left here until retirement.  Seven years.  That's not very long, but when I think of it EVERY day, it is horrible.  Have to get my head into one day at a time.  One foot in front of the other as my friend, Bill, says.  Just get through each day.  It would help if the building industry was busier in this town.  That would make my job busier and more interesting.  Have to make up projects to keep myself busy.  That gets tiresome.  Have to do what I have to do because I do not want to be without a job in this horrible economy.  No way.

 

On a lighter note, I'm almost finished with my Mom's Christmas present, my niece's baby blankets and am now working on a gift for a co-worker for Christmas.  I am in the mood for finishing things.  I went through a period of starting so many things that I felt I couldn't possibly finish any of them.  Keep myself overwhelmed so I stay in this pity pit.  Ridiculous, so I am now finishing up projects hoping they make me feel better.

 

On a weight loss note, I'm not doing so good.  Not dumping on sugar is the worst thing.  I can eat whatever I want and I don't dump.  Seems I only dump when I eat way too much, so I only eat enough to keep myself the side of non-dumping.  I've gained about 8 lbs and am working that off.  I've cut back on the evening snacks and that's helping.  I do have to exercise more if I want to be under 200 by Christmas.  That's my gift to myself.  I know I'll feel better just knowing the number is there. 

 

I've been really bad about not taking my vitamins.  Now that I've said that, that's probably why I feel so run down and shitty.  Duh!  See what I miss by not blogging?  I don't carry my thoughts quite right.  So now I've broken out the pill container from my purse and got my vitamins set for the week.  My goal will be to take all my vitamins for each and every day this week.  Have to get it out of my head that it's not a "chore", since I tend to want to overwhelm myself that way.  Why?  I have no idea.

 

Enough self-analysis for today.  I'm tired of it.

Weekend

My weekend was good food-wise, not so good health-wise. 

 

I have a frozen right shoulder and an HMO health plan.  Really, do I need to go into it?  My HMO doles out physical therapy appointments like it was methadone.  Come on, it's  helping me get better and you only give me 6 visits at a time?  Once I get my 6 golden visits, I made them at the PT place.  On the 6th visit (usually the 3rd week since I go twice a week), the PT person has to make out a report, fax it to my PCP and then they forward their report to the managing group.  This process can take anywhere from 3-infinity days.  This time it's been infinity.  I've been out of PT for almost 3 weeks, made the calls, but still not visits.  I've been doing my shoulder exercises pretty regularly, but it's not enough.  Those PT people have magic hands, you know? 

 

Last week Thursday, my shoulder was feeling more sore than usual.  By the end of the work day, it felt like lead and I could hardly lift it.  I did tough it out long enough to get my nails done, but then who wouldn't?  By the time I got home, the pain was about a 6 - severely impeding my knitting and computer work.  By midnight, the level had gone up to a 8.5 and I was ready to do anything to make the pain stop.  I tried John's leftover Robaxin, but no help.  I had nothing stronger, so I took some tylenol. 

 

By 4am, my pain level was a screaming 10.  The pain radiating from my shoulder socket down the front of my arm felt like Freddy Kruger was having a field day in there.  John was up and getting ready for work, so I asked Tony to take me to the closest ER.

 

We go to Palomar Pomerado and I get right in.  They give me shots of Dilaudid and Tordol.  I get an oral antinausea med and a Valium.  The pain is still there but I'm loopy and sleepy so they send me home at 6am.

 

By 10am, I'm awake and writhing in pain.  10+ again.  Shit.  I call the doctor's office to make an appt and get one at 2:20.  I take some of the take-home meds from Palomar - Vicodin and Valium, and try to rest.  No good.

 

We get to my doctor appt.  My Nurse Practitioner wants to get an MRI of my shoulder, but because I have an HMO and no previous authorization, no MRI for me that day.  She says I should go to Scripps ER and they will do the MRI there, so off we go to the second ER visit of the day.

 

I wait for about 2 hours and get seen in the hallway.  Yes, I know I'm not bleeding to death, but when you're in pain, you feel like you are the most important patient, right?  The ER doc tells me that they do not do MRI's for patients with painful shoulders unless there has been an injury.  Frozen shoulders don't count.  He tells me if it was HIS shoulder, he would want a shot of steroids and a bunch of steroid pills to take home along with his arm in a sling, so guess what I got?  Yeah.

 

I have to say, that within 4 hours, my shoulder was feeling so much better after the steroid shot.  Apparently, my shoulder was so inflamed that it was pinching a nerve.  How come it takes so many doctors and so much running around to get to the answer?  Jeez.

 

Been on my meds since Thursday and my shoulder is not pain-free, but it is much better.

 

Oh, I forgot to mention that in the doctor's office, I mention the PT craziness to the NP.  She says, "I don't know why you haven't been getting PT since there is a note in here authorizing 12 visits.  The note was signed on Sept. 27th.  Say WHAT??  I was pissed.  I said "well someone here dropped the ball big time." 

 

I'm not going to get into my views on what I believe our healthcare system is going to be, but I do know now that you, as a patient, have to stay on top of your own health and care.  Don't depend on a doctor's office with a million patients to take care of your little problem.  Be proactive and follow through.  But sometimes that doesn't even work.

 

Whatever.

 

My food choices and intake has been really good the past week.  I believe I have lost 4 lbs, but we'll see when I weigh in tomorrow.  I've also added riding my recumbent bike and adding more walking to my daily activities. 

Back in the Saddle

Yes.  I'm back.  It's been way too long.

 

I like to think of myself as a good communicator, but I'm not.  I like to think that I am clear in my thinking and speaking, but I'm not.  There's a lot of noise in my head and sometimes the static takes over.

 

My case in point:

I feel that if I don't purge (write down) my thoughts about feeling out of control with food, then they don't exist.  If I ignore them, they will go away (under the covers).  If I tell someone else either in person or in blog, then it's real.  People read it.  My shit is out there and I can't take it back. 

 

It's like the old days.  The freezer would be filled with frozen treats, but I wasn't allowed to eat them because I was always overweight and on some type of diet.  (My first diet was melba toast and chicken broth at age 12.)  So when no one else was home, I would sneak the tasty treats, rearrange the rest of them so you couldn't tell I took anything, and I'd gobble them down and hide the wrappers.  If no one else sees it, then it doesn't exist, right?  I could hide from others for a time, but then it became very apparent my diet of crackers and broth wasn't working.  Imagine that!

 

So I have this blog to keep myself honest.  I've made mistakes and I'll continue to make mistakes, but I'm going to forgive myself because I'm human.  I can't be perfect no matter how hard I try.  There will be another blog post soon on my ongoing pursuit of perfectionism. 

 

I've heard it said that it takes 30 days to make a change in behavior.  My change will be to determine my hunger, emotional or physical, and eat accordingly.  After 30 days, then I make another change.  I will not try to change the world in 3 days as in failed attempts in the past.  Slowly, but surely.

 

Oh, and if anyone thinks that gastric bypass is the easy way out, kiss my (shrinking) butt.  It's not just about the food.  It's more mental than you'd think.  It makes you face your demons and they are scary.

 

Moving onward.

Away

I've been away for quite awhile, but I'll be back soon.  I promise.

Food Confessions

It's been a pretty shitty week, food-wise.

 

I have been on antibiotics and prednisone for my sinus infection.  I swear that the prednisone makes me eat because all I wanted to do was eat, and not the good stuff, either.

 

I ate cookies and muffins and cookies and cake.  Did I mention cookies??  OMG I craved sugar and once I got on it, I couldn't get off it, and I'm still on it!  It didn't help my situation with making cookies this weekend.  Oh, the glorious cookies!  Ok, they were kinda healthy:  the usual choc chip recipe but with whole wheat flour, 1/2 the amount of choc chips, added pecans, walnuts and ground almonds.  Oh yes, they are delicious.  TOO delicious.  I think I ate 8 or 10 of them on Saturday, then 8 or 10 on Sunday and then when I woke up this morning, I had 2 with my coffee!!  Curse you, cookies!

 

So why don't I throw them away?  How dare you think of that!  That's good cookies in the garbage.  No way!  I should be stronger than the cookie.  Stronger than the sugar! 

 

But I'm not.

 

This is the first time since my surgery that I've slid this far and I can definitely feel it in my body.  My stomach feels all squishy and jiggly and overall I feel like crap.  I've had headaches (besides the sinus and mingraines) because of the sugar.  I know the headaches are from the bad eating.  Been there, done that.  I just have to want to get off the sugar.  Have to actually remove it from the house to get off it.  I'll take the rest of the cookies in to work tomorrow so I don't have to look at them in their pretty, crystal jar.  Those perfectly round, crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, delicious, sweet cookies.  STOP!   See what I mean?  They've got a hold on me and they won't let go!!!

 

So here's the thing about the binge.  The sugar binge.  I know I'm doing it, but I disconnect.  I keep eating when I know I'm full or I know it's not good for me.  I really wish I still "dumped" when I had too much sugar, but I rarely do anymore.  If I did "dump", I wouldn't be eating so much sugar.  Glad I don't throw up because it would just be another excuse to keep on eating, you know?  The binge devil inside my head just keeps telling me "one more, just one more" and so I do.  I push myself to the point of over-eating and total discomfort.  Why?  To see if I can still make myself feel like shit, I guess.  Ok, I can still do it, so I have to knock it off now.  Really, how much abuse can I put upon myself before I finally "get it"? 

 

I haven't gotten on the scale, because I'm sure my weight is up, from both the prednisone and the sugar bingeing.  No sense in torturing myself yet again.  I'm tired already.

 

On the other hand...

 

I've been craving good food, like steamed veggies and salads.  I believe that is my body telling me it needs those things, but I just kept giving it sugar.  Bad Debbie.  Right now, I'm craving some steamed broccoli with a little butter and some nooch.  That's nutritional yeast for those of you that aren't familiar with nooch.  It tastes like cheese, but is full of those lovely B vitamins. 

 

I'm taking today one minute at a time.  Will detox and get the sugar out of my system.  Lots of tea and water to drink today.  No added sugars of any kind.  Have to break the cycle.  Start writing down all my food again.  Keep myself accountable.  Get back on track. 

Testing the limits?

Why, oh why, do I test the limits of things?? 

 

Yesterday was one of those days.  I tested my patience, my self-control and my stomach.

 

 

 (\___/)
 (='-'= )
 (")  (")  Debbie

Feeling the difference

I'm really feeling the difference today.  The difference of the 5 pound weight loss. 

 

When I weighed upwards of 290, I can remember being on a diet and losing 5 pounds.  Whoopie!  It was just a number.  I couldn't tell the difference in my clothes or my appearance.  But losing 5 pounds at 209 makes a huge difference.  The size 18 pants I've been wearing were a little tight around the waist, the butt and the thighs, but now they are a little loose.  Weird.  Don't get me wrong, it's not BAD by any means, just weird to me.  I'm not used to the differences a little weight loss can make.

 

I don't have to squeeze into my office chair like I used to at 290.  I can "squeeze by" people in a room and not feel like I need to yell "Fat girl coming through.  Please move aside!"  I can just slip by sideways and not even touch people.  In restaurants, I don't have to pre-navigate the route out if I'm in a crowded dining room.  Not having to worry about going between chairs and not bumping the other diners.  An overweight person totally gets this.  When I was 290, I felt like I was invisible to other people, especially men.  I don't mean invisible invisible, I mean that I was so fat they didn't even look at me.  I was invisible to them.  I don't feel like other women are looking at me and thinking, "oh god, I will NEVER get that big!"  I used to say the same thing about big women and then I was one.  I get it.

 

Weight loss does a number on your head whether you want it to or not.  It makes you face your demons.  ALL of them!  I'm going through the crap and I don't really like that I'm forced to (by my body), but I'm glad I am.  I'll be a better, more focused and attentive person once I get through this.  I'll be normal, whatever that is. 

 

The best thing about all this?  I'm not eating to cover up emotions.  I can't, really.  I mean, yes, I can EAT, I just can't binge, I can't graze like before.  It's not physically possible.  I get sick.  I'm forced to deal with the feelings and sometimes that is not pleasant.  At all.  But I do it.  I'm proud of me for doing that.  It's new to me and I'm dealing and guess what?  I'm not perfect!  Imagine that.  Not perfect and I'm ok with that!!

 

Downward trend??

I am so hoping this is a downward trend. I've lost 5 lbs in the past week.

It's been so long since I've lost a significant amount of weight. I'm down to 204. I can hardly believe that the next 5 pounds will put me under 200. Wow! I haven't been under 200 in over 22 years.

A friend of mine told me that since I wasn't losing, I needed to shock/trick my body into losing weight again. So I ate and ate and ate. Sometimes I overate. I did that for a week. I didn't like it, but I did it. Then this past week, I cut back. Waaay back. Back to eating until ALMOST full. Drinking more liquids. Eating only when hungry. The normal things I should do and I guess it worked. Hooray!

I've been thinking a lot about exercise these days. No, I haven't done anything yet, but I think about it a lot! I've been thinking of walking to work a couple of times a week. It's only a mile and a half from home to work, so why not? Once the weather warms up a little bit in the mornings, I'm on that idea like the stink on limburger. I know exercising will get more of the weight off, too.

I'm getting pretty squishy in areas I don't want to be squishy. My upper arms. My belly. My thighs. I'm hoping the skin isn't permanently stretched in those areas because I don't want saggy skin. That's yuckier than fat, in my opinion.

This picture is from this morning at work. I had my coworker take a picture of my shoes for my daily shoe post on Facebook and she decided to take this picture, too. I think I'm looking pretty decent. I'm happy with my body, and really that's all that matters, right? Well, kinda. I was ok with my body when I was 290, too. I've always been comfortable in my own skin. I just need to be healthier now. Too many family diseases, specifically cardiovascular ones, and I don't want to tempt fate any more than history gives me. I figure the healther I am, the better I can fight whatever comes my way.

So yeah, I'm down 5 pounds. That makes me happy. VERY happy!

Learning Patience

Patience.  I've always considered myself a patient person.

 

I'm patient when teaching my crafts classes.  I was a cub scout leader and organized and tamed 150 kids for summer camp.  I'm patient with coworkers when they think they need to tell me their story for the 99th time.  I'm patient with my husband when he doesn't do his chores on my time schedule.  I'll patient with others, but not myself.

 

I don't allow myself to be patient when I'm crafting.  I want it done now if not sooner.  Oh, and it must be PERFECT!  When I diet, the weight must come off tomorrow if not today and by gosh, give me 10 lbs!  Hurry!  When I'm learning a new recipe, it must come out perfectly or I don't try it ever again. 

 

Why this obsession/compulsion with patience and perfection?  I don't know, but I'm trying to figure it out.  I'm making an effort to find the reasoning behind it.  My therapist is helping with that, too.  Who knew all this JUNK was hiding inside me making me sabotage myself in so many ways?  That's how I feel about it.

 

I know a certain amount of perfection is required in some things, but certainly not in making pancakes or knitting a scarf.  Perfection is required when, um, when...  when??  When is it REQUIRED and by whom?  I make myself nuts with this dilemma, and then I lose PATIENCE with myself!  

 

When I'm not perfect, I feel I let myself down and I just let the whole day go to shit.  I no longer require perfection from myself because I've already failed.  Yes, that's immature.  I'll admit that.  Just saying what it is and what I do.  So why do I hold myself to these ridiculously high standards?  Why can't I just "do my best"?    It's crazy, I tell ya.

 

I can tell you that knitting is helping me to learn patience.  As a beginning knitter (I started knitting in October 2009), could I start out making scarves?  Nope.  I set the standard way up there and started a vest.  I didn't finish the vest because it was pretty wonky, but I had no problem ripping it out and saving the yarn for another project.  Then I started a pair of socks.  Say what?  Some people don't start socks until after YEARS of knitting, but oh not me.  Set the bar so high I have to work that perfection, work that obsession and make that goal. 

 

I've finished one sock and working on the second one, and you know what?  The first one is NOT perfect and neither is the second one and you know what?  IT'S OK!  Gasp!  Did I say that?  No, I don't like the little hole here and there that I made, but those socks are mine and they are teaching me to slow down and accept my abilities as they are. 

 

I tend to want to start new projects all the time without finishing up the project before.  It's always a big high for me to buy the yarn and find the perfect pattern and start the project, but once it gets hard or I've goofed it up somehow, I put it aside.  Ah, can't be perfect so why finish?  Who would want an imperfect scarf?  Who would even know but me?! 

 

I'm teaching myself patience.  I'm now going back and finishing up that second sock, that second glove, the sweater, the scarf and the hat.  I'm cutting myself a break when I can't accomplish the 1100 things I've put on my list of things to accomplish today.  I'm not superwoman.  Oh no, say it isn't so! 

 

So, I'm being patient with my weightloss.  Two days ago, I was down to 207 and I was ecstatic.  Today, trash day, I get on the scale and it says 209, but I'm not disappointed.  Why?  Well, I've been doing more cardio (riding my bike) and I feel different again, so maybe my body is just adjusting again.  I know my weight will drop again soon.  I'm certain of that because I'm learning patience.  Knitting my way to patience one project at a time.

 

 (\___/)
 (='-'= )
 (")  (")  Debbie

Waking Up

It's weird sometimes.

 

I needed this past weekend more than I thought.  It was the week with my Friday off and it was full of appointments, as usual.  That's ok, because they needed to be done.  Better than taking sick time off from work to do things like get my hair colored, you know?  After my appointments, I drove down to San Diego to visit my friend, Gig.  He and I visited for hours and then we went out for Chinese food at Hong Kong restaurant in Hillcrest.  YUM!  We stopped in at the American Apparel store and picked out some underwear for my son (long story on that one, but saved for another time) and I got some fun things for me:  lacy socks and thigh-high socks.  Oh yeah, those babies are warm!  Then back to Gig's for more chit-chat and then a smooth drive home in the rain.

 

Saturday didn't start out so good:  migraine.  Shit.  I held off with the medication as long as I could (why do I do that?!) and then took it and went to bed.  Slept for 3 hours.  Got up and tried to craft, but couldn't concentrate so watched tv.  Sleepy and headachy again at 4, so went back to bed and slept again for 5 hours.  Woke up and felt great!  Rejuvenated.  Wow.  I knitted and crafted for hours and hours.  Finally went to bed at 6am and woke again at 9:30am ready to take on Sunday.

 

Sunday was spent mostly in my head.  As I went through my chores and organized my yarn stash, I just let the thoughts fly in and out of my head.  I didn't try to solve anything, I just listened.  Let them flow.  It's weird to do that, I think.  Not trying to solve anything, but just letting the chatter carry on in there.  Just hearing my head. 

 

I'm missing my friends these days.  The ones I've kept at a distance these past few months.  Time to reconnect and integrate myself back into parts of my old life.  What's that saying:  When it's dark enough, you can see the stars.  Something like that.  Well, it's plenty dark enough.  I'm ready for some stargazing.

 

Stuck Again

Weighed myself this morning.  Still 209.  What gives?  I was at 221 like forEVER and then whoosh! Twelve pounds come off and now I'm stuck at 209.  Ugh.

 

I know the weight loss is much slower now that the initial huge loss is over, but hey, c'mon now.  I want MORE!  I have noticed that my body is changing, though.  I'm feeling smaller in places like my waist and my hips.  I think my face is thinning out a bit more, too.  I have to conclude that since the weight is not coming off that the fat from those thinning out places must be going somewhere so I'm guessing it's my ass.

 

I've been sitting on my ass a lot these days.  Sometimes it hurts from sitting so much and I have to get up and move around.  It only takes a couple of hours of sitting to get to that point, but still.  I've been doing a lot of sitting down activities: watching t.v., knitting, crafting, working.  I need to get my butt off the chairs and couches more often.  Last night while crafting, I stopped and got on my recumbent bike and rode for 15 minutes.  Nothing strenuous.  Only rode at 10mph.  Again, SITTING, but at least my circulatory system was getting a workout, right?

 

Speaking of working out, I need to get on that right away.  I'm noticing my body is getting squishy.  Well, my torso is getting squishy.  I now have muffin-tops when I wear my pants.  Not a good look at ALL.  Oh and let's talk about the girls.  They are looking mighty sad these days.  Extreme weight loss will do that to them.  They are sad sacks pointing south.  I know, maybe TMI, but I have to remind myself of these things.  It may be helpful someday.  Oh, the girls look great in my bras.  You gotta have a good bra!  But out of the bra, well, let's just say, um, well, let's not just say anything.  Poor little flat bags.  There, I said it. 

 

So, I'm going to start going to the gym.  No sense in having a membership if you don't use it, right?  Right.  I'll use the bike and trampoline at home for cardio and go to the gym for toning.  That will get those muscles built up and start the fat burning again.  That's what I'm hoping for anyways.

 

All in all, my life is good these days.  I know I've complained a lot these past few months, but things are turning around.  I'm feeling better about myself.  Maybe I just go through the winter blues and don't realize it.  That being said, I'm headed off to tackle the to-do list on my desk at work.  Git 'er done!!

It's Been Awhile

Too long since I posted last.  Lots of crap going on.

 

1.  My eating is terrible these days.  Too much processed junk and not enough healthy stuff.  I'm craving vegetables, but I don't eat them.  Too much work, I think to myself.  Say what?!  I'm just lazy and would rather just grab a popcorn chip as opposed to eating a healthy wrap or something.  Oh, I did make some healthy smoothies last week, but there were no veggies in them.  I'm sick to my stomach because I'm eating terribly, but do I stop?  Well, not yet.  I'm working on it.  It's kind of like a binge without the bingeing since I can't eat a lot, but I can OVER eat.  I'm also eat crap so I feel terrible.  Ok, that's one thing I have to take care of.  The weird thing is, I'm still losing weight, so that doesn't help the insanity either.

 

2.  My personal life is hell.  I've procrastinated on so many tasks that I risk the chance of my car being taken away.  Oh, nothing like missing payments (car is paid in full) or accidents.  I just haven't gotten it fixed.  California has this stupid smog thing you have to do to your car and my car didn't pass the smog test.  I have to have some sensors replaced.  That's all.  Thing is, way back in June (yes JUNE) when I paid my registration and had the car tested and it didn't pass the smog test, I applied to the State for monetary assistance for repairs.  I was granted the assistance, but then I had my two surgeries and I forgot.  Fastforward to October.  I get stopped by the Highway Patrol and get a fix-it ticket.  I had until January-something to get that done or have to pay a $250 fine.  In December I get stopped by the Sheriff and he gives me a ration of crap about my registration.  I explain the above stuff, but he doesn't care, and rightfully so.  He lets me off with a warning, but says if I get pulled over again, they will impound my car.  Did all that spur me on to fix the car?  NO!  I am sick and tired of taking care of my car.  I think it should be my husband's job, but apparently he doesn't agree with me. 

 

3.  Taxes.  I'm not going to tell you EVERYthing here, but let's just say we are way behind in filing taxes.  It's my fault and I need to get it done.  This is one thing I vow to do in the next week:  Get an appointment with my tax guy and get 2009 done so I can file the past years taxes done.  Hey, it's a power struggle thing and I'm not proud of it.  I just want someone to pay attention to me.  Guess what?  It's not working.

 

4.  I hate taking pills.  If I can't take them all at once in the morning, I just don't do it.  I don't want to remember to do it.  Even though I set alarms on my phone to remind me to take pills, I don't.  I look at the phone and say "ha ha, I don't have to take them if I don't want to".  It's stupid.  Another power struggle, but with MYSELF!  How freakin' stupid is that???  I was not a good girl (surprise) and did not take my B vitamins after surgery so now I'm deficient.  I'm also vitamin D deficient, too, but just a little.  I think I need to re-connect with my sun buddy.  So if I didn't like taking the pills before, now I have MORE pills to take!! 

 

Here's what I take:  Synthroid, Lexapro, Prilosec, multivitamin, calcium (2 pills a day), vitamin d, vitamin b6, vitamin b12, Omega oils and iron.  Theoretically, I have to take the Prilosec first thing in the morning so the stomach acid calms down.  Have to wait 2 hours before or after eating to take the Synthroid.  Lexapro can be taken with anything.  Vitamin D should be taken with the C and the B6 can be taken with the multivitamin (which is a chewable).  Calcium should be taken at night because it makes me a bit sleepy.  The omegas I take with dinner.  The B12 is twice a week.  Is the vitamin D only twice a week or is it daily?  The iron.  Hmm, I know I can't take the iron with either the C's or the calcium or something...  I forget.  God, I hate taking PILLS! 

 

I have to get my shit together with the pills or I will pay for it health-wise, I know that.  I'm just so tired of all the pills.  I've been feeling so crappy and I know it must have something to do with the pills I'm not taking.  My nutritionist told me to think of them as nutrition instead of pills.  Whatever.  It's still a pill.  There are times that the pill will not go down my throat because I just don't want to take it and some of my pills are BIG.  I will get through this, right?

 

Well, I guess I'll get off my pity pot.  I'm tired of sitting on it, actually.  Got to get these things cleared off my list.

Thrown for a loop yet again, but I'm OK

I'm trying not to be all depressed about it, but the fact of the matter is, it hurts.

Yesterday morning, I'm eating my oatmeal out on the back patio and John is reading his newspaper.  I mention that, even though it's not trash day, I weighed that morning and oh-my-god I'm down to 209.  I'm excited, you know?  Guess what he said?  Nothing.   He said nothing.  He half-smiles and nods and goes back to his paper.

I know, I know, guys get into their caves and don't like to be bothered when they're in there, but I was just so excited, you know?  After he said NOTHING, I really wanted to lash out and yell and tell him what a shithead he was (is), but that wouldn't have solved anything but let the neighbors know our business.  So I went up to the craft room and stayed there all day.  Oh, I'm not letting this slide under the carpet, no way.  He's going to hear how he hurt my feelings, that's for sure. 

After thinking about it yesterday and today, I'm glad I'm fairly centered and realize that I'm losing weight for ME, not for him or anyone else.  I just want to know how hard it can be to say, "gee, you look good today" or "I notice how much thinner you look" or something like that.  ANYthing!  Hell, my coworkers notice every day.  My acupuncturist even tells me he can see the difference.  He calls me the incredible shrinking woman!  My husband?  No words.

This whole situation is nothing new.  We've been married for 22 years and I've been feeling left out for a long time.  We've discussed similar situations and things change for a short time and then back to what it is.  I can't help but take it personally.  What person doesn't like to hear personal conversation?  I get football, baseball or scouts.  Whoopie.  I just feel like we're roommates.  Sad.

I do fill my life with things that make me happy.  I get to knit night every Tuesday.  I go out with the girls for wine, food, movies or fun.  I have great relationships at work with my work family.  I know my relationship with my husband is not right, but it's always been that way and I figure it always will be.  If only one person wants to change, it's hard to keep trying when it's a one way street,  you know?

I didn't mean for this to be a husband-bashing post.  Not at all.  I think where I'm going is, that with the weight loss, I'm feeling my feelings.  REALLY feeling them and I feel alone.  Alone is good sometimes, but not all the time.  I'm just afraid if things keep going as they are now, that things will change, and not in a good or planned way.  Maybe, just maybe, he'll read this post and learn something.

Homemade Nut Butter

I've been craving fats. 

 

I've been limiting myself to fats for so long I guess it's catching up with me.  I went home for lunch today and thought about a peanut butter sandwich, but wasn't really in the mood for just peanut butter.  The peanut butter is peanutty enough, but it's dry and tastes only like peanuts.  Duh.

 

I decided I would make my own nut butter.  I always have plenty of raw almonds on hand, so I threw in three handfuls of almonds into the Magic Bullet.  Then I added two medjool dates and a couple of tbsp of coconut oil and another tbsp of toasted almond oil.  Blended that up for a few minutes and tasted it.  Wasn't quite what my tastebuds wanted, so I added a few more dates and about a tbsp of shredded coconut.  Blend blend blend and then another taste.  Oh-my-freakin-god, it's so GOOD!  I wanted to just eat it by the spoonful, but that wouldn't be very smart, now would it? 

 

So, I put my concoction, about a cup's worth, into a tupperware container.  I got out one of those multigrain sandwich rolls, you know those ultra thin ones?  I spread a few tbsp of my almond/coconut/date butter on it.  I enjoyed every single morsel.  I used a web-based recipe builder and calculated the nutrition for this.  It comes out to about 5 grams of sat fat and 1.1 gm of protein per tbsp.  This won't be an everyday food, so I can afford to eat it when the cravings start.

 

I'm waiting now to see if I'm going to have a reaction.  You know, the dumping kind.  I'm trying to figure out what makes me feel so sleepy and dump so hard.  See last few posts.  It's trial and error with the diet trying to figure out what makes me feel good or bad. 

 

On another note, it's trash day and I forgot to weigh.  Tomorrow it is, then.

Fooooood

Hi all.

I've been doing a lot of eating these past few weeks.  Even some secret eating.  Not good.  But now that that confession has been said and lesson learned, let's carry on, shall we?

I've been craving sweets lately.  Not necessarily candy (I won't eat that), but sweet things, yogurt-covered pretzels, commercial granola bars, oatmeal raisin cookies.  I have to nip that in the bud.  No more of that, but I can't cut out sweet stuff entirely.

I'm reading about low-glycemic index foods and it seems like this could work for me.  I combine low GI foods with a little bit of the higher GI foods and my blood sugar won't spike and I won't fall asleep when my body "dumps" the sugar.  I'm giving that a go. 

I credit Cindy with informing me about this.   Cindy has been my go-to food person ever since I decided to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery.  She helped me plan out my juices, smoothies and foods as I went from each new eating level after surgery.  A tremendous help!  I credit her with much of my success. 

So now that I'm able to eat "normal" foods, I'm finding that I'm slipping back into my old habits:  snacking on high calorie foods (albeit smaller portions) and snacking all day long.  I am limited, however, by the size of my stomach, so I can't eat mass quantities, but I can still graze, and graze I do.  At one point last night, I realized I was feeling somewhat ill, and thought, "why do I eat all this crap?  Do I do it to make myself sick?  Is it so I FEEL?"  I don't know and I didn't take the time to explore that last night, but I did stop the eating.

When I woke this morning, I was not hungry and I didn't eat until 1pm.  I'm getting back to basics yet again (I have a feeling this is a lifetime process) and listening to my physical body and will only feed it when it is actually hungry.  I've had to do this numerous times since surgery in July, but hey, it's over 50 years of bad eating I'm trying to overcome, so I'm giving myself a tiny little break.

So back to the food.  When I was hungry, I looked through my food blog feed list and voila! I found the perfect recipe for today.  It's Whole Wheat Pumpkin Pancakes.  I did make a few changes:  I didn't have any almond milk left, so I used my pumpkin soy milk instead.  I was also out of almond butter (must make some) so I used my peanut butter (ground peanuts only).  I had some mini chocolate chips in the baking cupboard so I used those.  Can you say YUM?!!  John loved them.  He had 3 pancakes and I had my one pancake.  I'm totally satisfied!

I'm going to start sharing more food blogs and recipes that I find and use.  It'll help me later and heck, you might enjoy it as well.

Trash Day Weigh-In

Yep, it's trash day guys and gals.  That means one thing: I get to weigh today.  So as the water was heating for my shower this morning, I sprinted upstairs and got out the scale.  Slipped out of my slippers and stood naked on the scale and it said:  212.8.  Yippee!

I am not disappointed with that number at all.  In the last 43 days, I have lost 7 lbs.  For me, that's great, especially with the holiday treats and snacking lately.  My body feels different again.  A lot of my new pants and skirts are hanging on me - again.  Time to buy more.   Ugh!

As much as I love shopping, I'm kind of tired of shopping for clothes these days.  It's hard when you feel so terrific and you go shopping and find that the clothes you SHOULD wear as a 52-year-old woman are just not what you want to wear.  I want to wear fun, flirty clothes, but I don't want to look like a middle-aged tramp.  Need to find a store with fun, trendy clothes for the older woman who feels 25.  Know of a store like that?

I am having a great time buying shoes, however.  I have always loved shoes.  I can remember when I was in middle school when the JC Penney or Sears catalog would arrive in the mail.  I would dig straight to the shoes section and dream of owning all of them.  My Mom never bought me any from the catalog, so all I had were dreams of shoes.  Once I got a job in high school, I started buying myself all kinds of shoes.  Right now I just love buying all kinds of colors with wild embellishments on them.  I am still looking for the perfect pair of red CFM pumps with a 3-4" heel.  Oh yeah, baby!  Someday I'll take a picture of my shoe collection for you. 

So I leave this post feeling sassy and thin.  I'm craving garbanzo beans today for some reason.  Guess I'd better get the hummus from the fridge and snack on that. 

I hope "shoe" have a great day!

I've Got It!

It just hit me today. 

 

I've been trying to think why I've been eating all day every day.  I don't mean overeating, like yesterday, but eating, SNACKING, all day every day.  It's because when I'm hungry, I don't eat until I'm full.  I'm only eating until I've satisfied the urge to eat.  That shit has got to stop.

 

Now that I'm aware of it, I can do something about it.  I was thinking it was just what my stomach wanted, or thought maybe it was just what my eating just is now, but no.  A few months ago, I was eating 3-4 meals a day and I was doing fine.  Something changed and the snacking began.

 

Starting today, I've changed it.  I ate my hummus and pita for breakfast and for lunch I had buffalo meatloaf (can you say YUMMY) and some steamed broccoli.  I have leftover meatloaf and broccoli for another meal or two, too.  I ate until I was comfortably full and not a bite beyond.  I did drink a little tea before and after lunch, but not too much, so my food should stay with me for awhile. 

 

I need to feed my thirst as well.  I'm noticing I'm thirsty more often now for some reason.  I crave something ice cold.  My first reaction is to ignore it since I hate drinking water, but the need to have some liquid in me over-rides that feeling of ignoring it.  I'll get better at the water drinking.  That will definitely help with weight loss, too, since it has slowed down quite a bit these past few months.

 

I'm having a great day.  I feel my eyes are wide open and I'm ready for 2010.  Bring it on, baby!

Terrible Food Day But It's Over

I had a terrible food day yesterday and I have to blog this so I remember that I do have bad days.  That those old food days are still around.

 

I woke up and was not hungry, but wanted my morning coffee and then the food spiral started.  I just ate and ate and ate whatever I wanted.  All day long, every couple of hours, I ate something, and not something good, either.  I ate crackers and cheese.  I ate apple cobbler.  I drank TWO diet sodas in one day.  I ate a chocolate square.  More crackers.  Half a turkey with swiss sandwich.  I just ate and ate and ate. 

 

Thing is, I know why I ate.  I was lonely and bored.  John had to work on this Sunday, but it wasn't because I missed him.  Hey, we've been married 22 years, we're not newlyweds.  So that wasn't it.  I was more lonely from being bored. 

 

I surfed the web for hours while sitting on the couch watching HGTV.  Did that for like 4 hours.  Then I knit for awhile.  More web surfing.  Cleaned out the magazine rack.  Watched a movie.  All boring.  I wanted to be entertained and no one was entertaining me!  LOL   Oh, and I stayed in my jammies all day.  Yes, the same jammies I wore all night the night before, I stayed in all day and then slept in them again!  My husband must think I'm losing it.

 

The last straw eating-wise, was when I had another helping of the apple cobbler after 9pm.  I let my brain go into never-never land and serve up a big portion.  A big portion is approximately 1 cup.  That's big for me.  So I ate and ate until I could feel my stomach start to get sick.  Then I took another bite.  Ugh.  Then another.  Finally, I stopped because I didn't want to throw up.  Is that my breaking point now?  Keeping myself from throwing up?  Hmmm.

 

Thing is, as I was eating all day, I never ate to fullness.  Only snacked on things.  A bite here, a nibble there.  Not that that was good or better.  No!  I was just stuffing feelings with little bits of food.  What I should've done was go for a walk or something, but then that would've meant I had to get out of my warm jammies.  I know I would've felt better, but I just didn't want to do it.  I can't even say what I was feeling other than boredom or loneliness.  Is that enough of a reason to eat?  I need to stay away from those feelings, that's for sure. 

 

Oh and before I forget:  I took a lot of little naps yesterday.  I'm trying to figure out what food makes me so sleepy.  Is it the sugar?  The carbs?  I don't know, but whatever it is, it makes me so sleepy that I can't help but fall asleep.  I must've taken 4 or 5 little (30 minute) naps during the day.  Is this a form of dumping?  I will ask the surgeon on my visit on January 12.

 

So here we are, 24 hours later and I'm much better.  I'm working on my morning coffee and I'm not even hungry yet.  No desire to snack today.  Except for blogging about food, I'm not even thinking about it.  Of course, I'm at work and that helps, but still. 

 

I'm not scared that the one day of mindless eating will become a habit.  No, I know better than that.  I know my resources and my support.  If I find myself slipping more than a day, I will call in the troops. 

 

Here's what's bugging me

Wait, before we get to what's bugging me, let's get the weight thing off the list:  214.4 as of yesterday.  That's a good thing.  Yes, I know it wasn't trash day, but I felt different so I weighed myself. 

Ok, so here's the THING.  Big big white elephant in the room.  My room.  I don't believe in Christmas.  Well, wait, only the pagan part of Christmas.  I don't believe in Jesus, Mary or Joseph, Muhammad or any other religious icon.  I just don't believe.  There, I said it.  I am agnostic.  I believe there is something out there that helps guide the universe, but not a religious person/icon/whatever.  I can't put my faith in something that I really honestly don't believe in.  OMG the roof did not cave in when I said that.

When I hear the religious Christmas songs, I cannot sing along.  Years ago, my favorite song was O Holy Night and that was only because my Dad used to sing it or better yet, whistle to it and that made me feel good inside.  Not the words or the meaning of the song, but my Dad doing what he did. 

It's hard for me to say I don't believe in Jesus because there are some people that will say, "I'll pray for you."  Please don't.  Will that "save" me?  Will that keep me from going to "hell"??  I don't think so.  I believe that living a full, honest life will get you good karma in the next life.  That when I die, I want to be able to feel that I've done a good job with the life and the body that I've been given, and if I haven't, then I guess I'll have to come back and do it over again. 

I'm not such a non-believer that I think your religion is bogus.  Nope.  If you believe with your whole heart that what your church is teaching you, then I'm happy for you.  Really.  It's just not for me. 

It's so free-ing to be able to say that I don't believe in God, and the thing is, if you do and you feel badly for me, so be it.  We can still coexist with religious differences.  I only wish the world could have the same understanding and just live together instead of fighting wars over who's God is the highest trump card.

All that being said, it makes me feel good inside.  Like I've let go of a bad habit.  Like if I was a smoker or drinker and I no longer smoke or drink.  It doesn't have a hold on me any longer.  Like I'm no longer tied to food as a crutch, I don't need religion the same way. I feel FREE!

This does tie back in to the food issue.  I've had to let go of some pretty awesome habits, and now I've had the courage to let this one go, too.  Love it.  Like I don't have to have religion to be a whole person.  I don't need all that food as comfort when I can comfort myself without it.  Same with religion.

So on to Christmas we go.  I'll sing about Frosty and Rudolph and you can sing about Jesus or your God or whomever you pray to.  Just enjoy the holiday as a time to be with family and eat some fudge.

Size Does Matter

Today is Thursday.  That means yesterday was trash day.  I weighed in at 215.  OMG, do you know how long it's been since I've weighed 215?  No?  Me, neither. 

And guess what I did today?  I got my fanny into a SIZE 18 JEANS!!  Yes, they are a little bit snug, but they fit and they look good.  When I look in the mirror, I can't believe that my hips shrunk enough to squeeze into regular jeans.  I've been wearing elastic-waist pants for so long, it's almost weird to have button and zipper pants again.

So what did this new pants size do to my brain?  Amazing things.  I feel "normal".  I feel like, and I CAN, fit into anything in my drawers and closet.  You know how it is, you have clothes of different sizes in your closet for when you gain a few pounds or lose a few.  I know.  I've been there.

My weight hovered around 221 for so long that I thought I was going to stay there.  I was feeling a bit discouraged, but not overly so.  I mean after losing over 50 lbs so quickly after surgery, it is disappointing to stay at a certain weight for about a month.  Ugh.

I didn't know what to do to make the weight start coming off again, so I went to the message boards at thinnertimes.com and read what the other people did when it happened to them.  They did anything from going back to basics (very small, soft foods, frequent meals) to increasing exercise to eating more to stimulate the body.  I honestly tried a few days of each to see what I felt comfortable doing and then, probaby coincidentally, my weight started dropping again.  Whatever it was that stimulated the weight loss, great!

I know size 18 is not model size, but I feel like a model today.  I feel so ALIVE today.  Is it because of the 18 moment?  Maybe.  Maybe it's all about being 215.  I don't know.  All I know is SIZE DOES MATTER today and I feel great. 

If you want to see the BEFORE pictures, click HERE.