Learning Patience

Patience.  I've always considered myself a patient person.

 

I'm patient when teaching my crafts classes.  I was a cub scout leader and organized and tamed 150 kids for summer camp.  I'm patient with coworkers when they think they need to tell me their story for the 99th time.  I'm patient with my husband when he doesn't do his chores on my time schedule.  I'll patient with others, but not myself.

 

I don't allow myself to be patient when I'm crafting.  I want it done now if not sooner.  Oh, and it must be PERFECT!  When I diet, the weight must come off tomorrow if not today and by gosh, give me 10 lbs!  Hurry!  When I'm learning a new recipe, it must come out perfectly or I don't try it ever again. 

 

Why this obsession/compulsion with patience and perfection?  I don't know, but I'm trying to figure it out.  I'm making an effort to find the reasoning behind it.  My therapist is helping with that, too.  Who knew all this JUNK was hiding inside me making me sabotage myself in so many ways?  That's how I feel about it.

 

I know a certain amount of perfection is required in some things, but certainly not in making pancakes or knitting a scarf.  Perfection is required when, um, when...  when??  When is it REQUIRED and by whom?  I make myself nuts with this dilemma, and then I lose PATIENCE with myself!  

 

When I'm not perfect, I feel I let myself down and I just let the whole day go to shit.  I no longer require perfection from myself because I've already failed.  Yes, that's immature.  I'll admit that.  Just saying what it is and what I do.  So why do I hold myself to these ridiculously high standards?  Why can't I just "do my best"?    It's crazy, I tell ya.

 

I can tell you that knitting is helping me to learn patience.  As a beginning knitter (I started knitting in October 2009), could I start out making scarves?  Nope.  I set the standard way up there and started a vest.  I didn't finish the vest because it was pretty wonky, but I had no problem ripping it out and saving the yarn for another project.  Then I started a pair of socks.  Say what?  Some people don't start socks until after YEARS of knitting, but oh not me.  Set the bar so high I have to work that perfection, work that obsession and make that goal. 

 

I've finished one sock and working on the second one, and you know what?  The first one is NOT perfect and neither is the second one and you know what?  IT'S OK!  Gasp!  Did I say that?  No, I don't like the little hole here and there that I made, but those socks are mine and they are teaching me to slow down and accept my abilities as they are. 

 

I tend to want to start new projects all the time without finishing up the project before.  It's always a big high for me to buy the yarn and find the perfect pattern and start the project, but once it gets hard or I've goofed it up somehow, I put it aside.  Ah, can't be perfect so why finish?  Who would want an imperfect scarf?  Who would even know but me?! 

 

I'm teaching myself patience.  I'm now going back and finishing up that second sock, that second glove, the sweater, the scarf and the hat.  I'm cutting myself a break when I can't accomplish the 1100 things I've put on my list of things to accomplish today.  I'm not superwoman.  Oh no, say it isn't so! 

 

So, I'm being patient with my weightloss.  Two days ago, I was down to 207 and I was ecstatic.  Today, trash day, I get on the scale and it says 209, but I'm not disappointed.  Why?  Well, I've been doing more cardio (riding my bike) and I feel different again, so maybe my body is just adjusting again.  I know my weight will drop again soon.  I'm certain of that because I'm learning patience.  Knitting my way to patience one project at a time.

 

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 (")  (")  Debbie