How do you see yourself?

I don't mean, "I see myself as a loving, giving person".  I mean, "I see myself as a fit, but overweight person".  I'm talking in the physical sense of seeing.

 

When I was more overweight than I am now, I would look in the mirror and yes, I'd see myself - all my rolls and wideness (is that a word?) and puffiness.  Yes, I'd see the physical part, but I still felt like a thin person.  Oh, I knew wearing a size 24 dress was for obese women, yet I still felt thinner in my mind.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

 

I'm not saying I was in denial about who large I was/am, but rather I felt/feel like a thin person inside.  I know there's a thin woman in there somewhere!  I look back at pictures of me taken in social situations and now I am amazed/apalled.  How could I let myself get so large?  I didn't feel so large when I was there.  I mean, ok, 290 is LARGE, but I didn't feel so LARGE all the time.  In my mind, I was overweight, but not LARGE  -  until I saw the pictures. 

 

Could it be that I had unconsciously edited my physical being from myself?  Is that denial or was it a way to cope?  In group therapy, one of our assignments was to look at ourselves naked in the mirror.  Really look at ourselves.  There were those in the group that could not look at themselves at the beginning but eventually, they did.  They may not have liked what they saw, but they LOOKED.  That's my point.  I think.  We LOOK, not just see and move on. 

 

So now at 230 lbs, do I look different naked?  Of course I do.  I'm 60 lbs lighter!  Do I like how I look?  Well, it's getting better.  My stomach is definitely smaller and my butt is smaller.  Clothes sizes are smaller.  Today I feel pretty terrific.  I have clothes on that fit and look nice on my body.  Do I like what I see?  Yes.  BUT.

 

BUT I am still a large person by society and health standards.  Yes, I still have thunder thighs, yes I still have a poochy stomach (who wouldn't at 230 lbs?), yes, my arms are flappy (ewww), but I feel great.  I just cannot get complacent with this feeling.  Why?  Because I was complacent at 290, too. 

 

I need to stay deeply in touch with the physical part of my body.  I need to be aware of how my body is changing.  I WANT to be more fit and healthy, so I need to not get comfortable with how I am right now.  I struggle with this all this time, I hope this isn't as confusing to you as it is to me. 

 

I am comfortable in my own skin, yes.  I am comfortable sunbathing in the nude.  I don't think that is so much about showing a body as it is being comfortable who you are.  We all have scars or rolls or fat or excess body hair.  Whatever.  It's what makes us US, it doesn't define us.  It's just the body we were given. 

 

I wish I could define what I'm trying to say.  I wish I had a word for it, but I don't.  This is such a mental game.  I don't stress over it, I just try to accept it.  Anyone who says gastric bypass is the easy way out to lose weight should have their head examined.  Literally.