Who invited HER?!

I'm feeling fat.  Very fat.  Embarrassed.  Don't want to be seen.  Want to hide behind my clothes again.
Why?  I don't know.  I've thought and thought but can't figure out what the deal is.

I weighed myself last week and I was down to 221.  OMG, yes, 221, but instead of feeling terrific about that, I felt shame.  Hell, I weighed two hundred and twenty one pounds!  That's a lot!  I should weigh much, much less than that!  My brain didn't think, "but you used to weigh 290 pounds and 221 pounds is a helluva lot less than that", but no, Ms. Negative got in there first and said, "you suck".

Where the hell did she come from?  I was sailing along just fine without her.  I was feeling great dressing all girly-girl and feeling like I was a woman again, and then she showed up.  Who invited her to the party??   She is a major downer on my parade and I want her gone!  Thing is, she's not making any moves to leave just yet.  Hmmm.  How do I get her out of here??

What is it about that number on the scale that made her come back?  Did I have major issues when I weighed 221 before?  I believe our bodies store feelings and memories in our fat and muscles and when we get to a certain weight, pull a certain muscle or hurt ourselves in a certain area, those feelings or memories come back to the surface.  Yeah, that's all touchy-feely, but I believe that.  So, given those facts, what is it about this size body at 221 pounds, am I holding on to? 

Let's see...  when was the last time I weighed 221?  Probably about 23 years ago.  I lost a bunch of weight before John and I got married.  How much did I start out weighing?  OMG about 220 pounds!  I got down to 170 on our wedding day.  Right after we got married, I started to pig out.  Oh baby, did I pig out!  I was up to 200 pounds in like 3 months.  No shit.  I remember staying there for a short time and then the weight just crept up and up and up.

So what is it then?  Is the 220 a breaking point of some type?  Is it a memory of "holy shit you are fat and you'd better lose weight if you want to make John want/love you".  Whoa.  Want/love?  Is that it?  Am I afraid to go forward and lose weight because that means acceptance?  Why would that be a deterrant?  I don't feel that consciously.  Not sure that's the reason.  Is it a memory of leaving the past and moving on to something new?  Hmm.  Not sure about that, either.

There is some memory inside that is making me feel this way and I've got to get it out.  It's dragging me down big time and I don't like it one bit.  Time to call the therapist because this is beyond me.  I really am struggling with this and I can't seem to get it out of my head.