Feeling blue?

Why am I feeling so blue?  Is it the weather?  Life?  Meds?  Food?  Probably all of the above.

 

I just feel so BLAH and have been for a couple of weeks now.  I've felt very out-of-sorts since my dental surgery last Wednesday.  Bone grafts, extractions, gluing, etc., but that's not all of what makes me feel so yucky. 

 

Going through a bit of a relationship shift right now, but we're working on that one.  It's hard work and I feel at my age, I'm not sure I want to do it sometimes.  Just so tired of stuff.  Just want to hide away in a cabin with a fireplace, soft warm bed, knitting, tv and endless vanilla lattes. 

 

I'm tired of working.  I have to get my head on straight.  I just keep thinking I'm tired of working this same job every day, but then I only have 7 years left here until retirement.  Seven years.  That's not very long, but when I think of it EVERY day, it is horrible.  Have to get my head into one day at a time.  One foot in front of the other as my friend, Bill, says.  Just get through each day.  It would help if the building industry was busier in this town.  That would make my job busier and more interesting.  Have to make up projects to keep myself busy.  That gets tiresome.  Have to do what I have to do because I do not want to be without a job in this horrible economy.  No way.

 

On a lighter note, I'm almost finished with my Mom's Christmas present, my niece's baby blankets and am now working on a gift for a co-worker for Christmas.  I am in the mood for finishing things.  I went through a period of starting so many things that I felt I couldn't possibly finish any of them.  Keep myself overwhelmed so I stay in this pity pit.  Ridiculous, so I am now finishing up projects hoping they make me feel better.

 

On a weight loss note, I'm not doing so good.  Not dumping on sugar is the worst thing.  I can eat whatever I want and I don't dump.  Seems I only dump when I eat way too much, so I only eat enough to keep myself the side of non-dumping.  I've gained about 8 lbs and am working that off.  I've cut back on the evening snacks and that's helping.  I do have to exercise more if I want to be under 200 by Christmas.  That's my gift to myself.  I know I'll feel better just knowing the number is there. 

 

I've been really bad about not taking my vitamins.  Now that I've said that, that's probably why I feel so run down and shitty.  Duh!  See what I miss by not blogging?  I don't carry my thoughts quite right.  So now I've broken out the pill container from my purse and got my vitamins set for the week.  My goal will be to take all my vitamins for each and every day this week.  Have to get it out of my head that it's not a "chore", since I tend to want to overwhelm myself that way.  Why?  I have no idea.

 

Enough self-analysis for today.  I'm tired of it.

Weekend

My weekend was good food-wise, not so good health-wise. 

 

I have a frozen right shoulder and an HMO health plan.  Really, do I need to go into it?  My HMO doles out physical therapy appointments like it was methadone.  Come on, it's  helping me get better and you only give me 6 visits at a time?  Once I get my 6 golden visits, I made them at the PT place.  On the 6th visit (usually the 3rd week since I go twice a week), the PT person has to make out a report, fax it to my PCP and then they forward their report to the managing group.  This process can take anywhere from 3-infinity days.  This time it's been infinity.  I've been out of PT for almost 3 weeks, made the calls, but still not visits.  I've been doing my shoulder exercises pretty regularly, but it's not enough.  Those PT people have magic hands, you know? 

 

Last week Thursday, my shoulder was feeling more sore than usual.  By the end of the work day, it felt like lead and I could hardly lift it.  I did tough it out long enough to get my nails done, but then who wouldn't?  By the time I got home, the pain was about a 6 - severely impeding my knitting and computer work.  By midnight, the level had gone up to a 8.5 and I was ready to do anything to make the pain stop.  I tried John's leftover Robaxin, but no help.  I had nothing stronger, so I took some tylenol. 

 

By 4am, my pain level was a screaming 10.  The pain radiating from my shoulder socket down the front of my arm felt like Freddy Kruger was having a field day in there.  John was up and getting ready for work, so I asked Tony to take me to the closest ER.

 

We go to Palomar Pomerado and I get right in.  They give me shots of Dilaudid and Tordol.  I get an oral antinausea med and a Valium.  The pain is still there but I'm loopy and sleepy so they send me home at 6am.

 

By 10am, I'm awake and writhing in pain.  10+ again.  Shit.  I call the doctor's office to make an appt and get one at 2:20.  I take some of the take-home meds from Palomar - Vicodin and Valium, and try to rest.  No good.

 

We get to my doctor appt.  My Nurse Practitioner wants to get an MRI of my shoulder, but because I have an HMO and no previous authorization, no MRI for me that day.  She says I should go to Scripps ER and they will do the MRI there, so off we go to the second ER visit of the day.

 

I wait for about 2 hours and get seen in the hallway.  Yes, I know I'm not bleeding to death, but when you're in pain, you feel like you are the most important patient, right?  The ER doc tells me that they do not do MRI's for patients with painful shoulders unless there has been an injury.  Frozen shoulders don't count.  He tells me if it was HIS shoulder, he would want a shot of steroids and a bunch of steroid pills to take home along with his arm in a sling, so guess what I got?  Yeah.

 

I have to say, that within 4 hours, my shoulder was feeling so much better after the steroid shot.  Apparently, my shoulder was so inflamed that it was pinching a nerve.  How come it takes so many doctors and so much running around to get to the answer?  Jeez.

 

Been on my meds since Thursday and my shoulder is not pain-free, but it is much better.

 

Oh, I forgot to mention that in the doctor's office, I mention the PT craziness to the NP.  She says, "I don't know why you haven't been getting PT since there is a note in here authorizing 12 visits.  The note was signed on Sept. 27th.  Say WHAT??  I was pissed.  I said "well someone here dropped the ball big time." 

 

I'm not going to get into my views on what I believe our healthcare system is going to be, but I do know now that you, as a patient, have to stay on top of your own health and care.  Don't depend on a doctor's office with a million patients to take care of your little problem.  Be proactive and follow through.  But sometimes that doesn't even work.

 

Whatever.

 

My food choices and intake has been really good the past week.  I believe I have lost 4 lbs, but we'll see when I weigh in tomorrow.  I've also added riding my recumbent bike and adding more walking to my daily activities. 

Back in the Saddle

Yes.  I'm back.  It's been way too long.

 

I like to think of myself as a good communicator, but I'm not.  I like to think that I am clear in my thinking and speaking, but I'm not.  There's a lot of noise in my head and sometimes the static takes over.

 

My case in point:

I feel that if I don't purge (write down) my thoughts about feeling out of control with food, then they don't exist.  If I ignore them, they will go away (under the covers).  If I tell someone else either in person or in blog, then it's real.  People read it.  My shit is out there and I can't take it back. 

 

It's like the old days.  The freezer would be filled with frozen treats, but I wasn't allowed to eat them because I was always overweight and on some type of diet.  (My first diet was melba toast and chicken broth at age 12.)  So when no one else was home, I would sneak the tasty treats, rearrange the rest of them so you couldn't tell I took anything, and I'd gobble them down and hide the wrappers.  If no one else sees it, then it doesn't exist, right?  I could hide from others for a time, but then it became very apparent my diet of crackers and broth wasn't working.  Imagine that!

 

So I have this blog to keep myself honest.  I've made mistakes and I'll continue to make mistakes, but I'm going to forgive myself because I'm human.  I can't be perfect no matter how hard I try.  There will be another blog post soon on my ongoing pursuit of perfectionism. 

 

I've heard it said that it takes 30 days to make a change in behavior.  My change will be to determine my hunger, emotional or physical, and eat accordingly.  After 30 days, then I make another change.  I will not try to change the world in 3 days as in failed attempts in the past.  Slowly, but surely.

 

Oh, and if anyone thinks that gastric bypass is the easy way out, kiss my (shrinking) butt.  It's not just about the food.  It's more mental than you'd think.  It makes you face your demons and they are scary.

 

Moving onward.