Feeling Pooky

I am feeling pooky today. You know the feeling, just "eh". Actually, my stomach is icky and that makes me feel icky. I thought I'd feed it something new today: egg salad. This was a menu suggestion the last time I went to the doctor. I tried it and now I feel icky. Why oh why? I am so tired of feeling icky I don't even want to eat anymore. I'm tired of trying new things to eat. I've even gone back to what made me feel ok things to eat and I feel icky. I'm so fucking tired of feeling icky!!!!!

I sip water all day. I get down maybe 2 protein drinks a day, but I want to EAT SOMETHING and nothing feels good in my pouch. Nothing. I feel so icky that I can't even think of a juice or smoothie that will make me feel good. I mean, I know which ones make me feel good, but I feel so bad I don't even want to make them. I'm afraid they'll make me feel icky, too. Why wouldn't they? Everything else does.

The scale said 250.0 this morning. I know it's probably because I'm not eating very much. I just want to cry. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but this sucks! How am I supposed to lose weight if I can't eat? My body thinks I'm starving it and it's holding on to whatever it can to survive.

I'm going to go cry for awhile and then call the doctor.

Great Thursday

Yes, today was a great day. No nausea, no stomach ache!

The thing is, I didn't eat all my protein. I just wasn't hungry today. I know, I know, I should eat it anyways, but in my brain, that goes against everything I tried to teach myself when I was dieting: don't eat if you're not hungry.

I ate cottage cheese for breakfast. 14 grams protein. Lunch was 1/2 C of chicken alfredo. Probably not more than 8 or 10 grams of protein since there wasn't much chicken in my bowl. Did not eat dinner yet and it's 8:30pm. Oh, I did have a protein drink this afternoon and that was 30 grams, so that adds up to 52 grams. I guess I did eat enough protein so far. It just wasn't in my meals.

I went grocery shopping today and got some good stuff. Lots and lots of veggies and then some fruit. I want to buy one new veggie each time I go. I learned that from Cindy. Today it was dandelion greens. I'm going to put them in a smoothie tomorrow and will report on that. I got kale, spinach, romaine, beets, carrots, onions, red bell peppers, and lots more stuff I can't remember at the moment. I got granny smith and yellow delicious apples, bananas, pears and avocados and tomatoes. I really wish I could eat salad, but not yet. I have a few more weeks to go before I can eat that.

I was very excited to see the scale this morning: 249.8.

I was going to post some pics today, but Blogger is being stupid and messing up my photos. I'll try tomorrow.

Food/hunger issues today

Not much to talk about food-wise today. I haven't eaten much. Cream of wheat for breakfast, string cheese and a tiny bit of chicken salad for lunch, tilapia (fish) and mushrooms for dinner. I've been hungry all day, but it's been one of those days where I don't feel like eating. You ever get so hungry you don't want to eat? It's weird. I know I haven't gotten in all my protein for the day, either. I should've had more to drink, too. I ate my dinner too fast and now my stomach hurts. That's what happens when I'm that hungry and I eat. I'm not paying attention to how much and how fast I'm shoveling it in there. I'm usually a very slow eater, but I guess I just disconnect when it comes to hunger to that degree. Lesson learned.

I feel so full and uncomfortable right now I wish I could throw up. I hate to throw up so I avoid it at any cost, even times when I know I'll feel better by doing so. So I'll sit here and suffer and listen to my intestines gurgle and whine until it all passes through. Honestly, right now I'm afraid to throw up. My stomach is so small now (walnut-sized) that I think it's really going to hurt to barf. Enough about this already.

It was warm today, so I sat in the spa. We've turned down the temp so it's refreshing as opposed to heating. I loved sitting in there, but I loved putting on a bathing suit. Two of the suits I own were just too big. The one I wore, I could still wear 10-20 lbs from now, so that's a good thing, but I've had it so long the elastic in the top is shot. I guess I'd better buy a new suit or two in different sizes before they disappear in the stores.

I thought real hard about going to the gym today, but didn't make it. Good thing especially since I was having food/hunger issues today.

Down to 250.2 today. Wow, next time I weigh, I could be in the 240's!

Stubborn or just gas?

I woke up today feeling different. Awake, alive, free, open, clear, healthy.

Yesterday was definitely a learning day for me. I felt really terrible and couldn't wait to go to bed so I could just have a different day. Around 5pm yesterday, I realized I had gas. No, not the farting kind, just intestinal gas. I asked John to bring me some chewable Gas-X and he did and my god, what a difference! I'm telling you, this surgery is not easy to figure out. My guts hurt yesterday and I assumed that it was because of what or how much I was eating. While that part may be true, it was also the combination of things I ate that gave me gas and I didn't realize it. It is so hard to figure out what is going on with that pouch sometimes.

I am a stubborn person. I hold on to what I believe is right and I don't change unless I have substantial evidence to the opposite. I am a very easygoing person, though, and I do love spontaneity, but in my beliefs in things is what is hard for me to give up.

For example, yesterday being a very shitty day. I believed what I wanted to believe about my food. Then I was reminded by a good friend that I should seek out the doctor's message board. On YEAH, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT! That message board is full of information! I went straight to the food issues part and found out so much more information than I wanted, but needed. I tend to be a fairly private person when it comes to very personal issues (things I don't want to share) and so I figure I'm stuck with those issues and there's no changing them. Wrong! I am not the only person facing those issues. Ha, go figure!

So one of the things that was getting me down mentally this past week was the fact that my weight loss had come to a standstill. Three weeks post-op and a plateau already? I was devastated. I have so much to lose and already I'm stuck? From the message boards, I learned that this is totally normal at 3 weeks out, and it won't be the last plateau either. Some of the people stalled for 3-4 weeks and here I am whining because I stalled for 4 days. Oh poor me, didn't get what I wanted! Spoiled little girl!

So I felt those feelings, took my Gas-X and went to bed and had a wonderful sleep. Today it feels as if my eyes are wide open. You know the feeling? Just ALIVE!

Oh and I'm down to 250.2 today.

Weekend update

What a terrific weekend.

Saturday was the Long Beach Quilt Show. I went with two friends. We took a chartered bus up there and we shopped our tootsies off. I got lots of new projects to start. We walked and shopped for almost 6 hours. For food, I took my own lunch and barely ate anything. I had some chicken salad, so Snapeas and some string cheese. I drank a protein drink on the bus home. For dinner at home, I had some more chicken salad. I'm eating the chicken salad because I've discovered that it's enough protein to keep me satisfied for 3 hours or more. Hard to get in enough protein to hold me for 3 hours. I find myself snacking (good food) in a few hours after I eat if I don't get in enough protein. I did juice after dinner: apple, spinach, carrot. That's my favorite juice these days. I fell asleep on the couch before 10pm and slept for 13 hours! I guess I needed sleep. I can't remember the last time I slept so much, but I feel so good today.

Woke up and had my coffee. Even if I only drink 1/4 cup of coffee, I'm satisfied. Had the rest of the chicken salad for breakfast/lunch. Drank a protein drink after that. John and I went to the new Target and I got a big giant container of EAS protein powder that has 23 grams of protein with 1 gram of sugar per serving. A serving is 6 oz of water or milk. I've had 2 protein drinks today and with the chicken and other veggies I've had, I got in all my protein for the day. I am so happy! I feel good, too. Amazing how good I feel when I get in the suggested amount of protein.

What I'm not happy about is my weight. I've been at 252-something for what seems like a week. I'm not happy that I've hit a plateau already. What the hell is that all about? I think maybe it has to do with the protein intake. Until the past couple of days, I haven't been able to get in nearly half of the protein requirement and maybe that's what the stoppage of weight loss is, I don't really know.

This weight plateau makes me think of all the other diets I've been on and by this time in the plateau, I would've given up on the diet, only now I can't do that. Can't undo gastric bypass. Can't undo the fact that my stomach is small, I have to avoid sugars and tons of liquids, so no bingeing! I have to tough it out. So my thoughts go to why I'm not losing.

The guide to weight loss is if you're not losing, then you're either eating too much or you need to increase activity. I'm not sure the overeating plays into the equation this time because I can't eat that much, so do I eat more and increase activity? I don't know for sure, but that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make sure I eat/drink all 50-60 grams of protein each day and I'm going to start walking. The heat has settled down a bit - now only in the upper 80's - so I think a morning walk is on the agenda. I promise to myself that I will do this for the next week and see how it plays into my weight loss. If these changes don't work, then a phone call to the doctor will definitely be in order.

I told John today that I wanted to start going to the gym and he kind of frowned and said, "don't do too much". OMG, I am so tired of people telling me I do too much!! I am so tired of sitting on my ass and doing nothing! I am bored, bored, BORED! Besides, who knows how I feel more than I?

I have been reminded that I have had not one, but TWO abdominal surgeries in the last month and that alone should be the reason I take it easy, but the fact that the doctor had to do the extra surgery with the abdominal mass (fat adhesions to my lower intestine) excisions during the second surgery, warrants extra resting, they said. Yes, I am still sore, but not so sore that I need to sit, sit, sit. OMG my ass will be growing instead of shrinking. So I am telling you, blog readers, that I am going to exercise, whether it be a walk or two during the day or even if I go to the gym. I'm pretty aware how much I can do, and if I overdo it, well, I have the next day to recuperate and learn from the experience, don't I?

Need to go shopping tomorrow. The veggie bin is getting pretty bare. I'm craving my veggies.

Hungry Day

I woke up hungry and pretty much stayed hungry all day. I ate breakfast - cream of wheat and nectarine. I finished my 1/2 portion and then had my coffee. Three hours later on the dot, I was hungry again. I ate some homemade hummus and some snapea crisps. It was delightful. Snack sometime in the afternoon was string cheese. Then I had some green juice from yesterday. Dinner was pasta with meat sauce. The meat sauce was ground chicken basil mixed with onions, green peppers and garlic and when done browning, I added some organic tomato basil red sauce. It was so yummy. That was at 6pm. About 9:30pm I was hungry again and so I had the tiny bit of meat sauce with a noodle. Eleven o'clock I just had a slice of cantaloupe. It was almost like a normal person eating day, but more often.



I'm supposed to eat small meals five times a day right now. I think when I go for my six week checkup I'll be changed to 3 meals a day. That will be nice. At first, I struggled to eat five times a day and today I looked forward to eating my five times a day. Oh, and no stomach pain, either. No dumping. I must've chewed well enough and ate small enough bites. That means you CAN teach an old dog new tricks!



So the next thing I have to work on is getting my ass out of a chair. I'm either sitting on the couch, computer chair, desk chair, patio chair, etc. You get the idea. I'm sitting and my butt hurts today. I think tomorrow I will go to the gym. I need to get back into the groove, so now's a good a time as any, I'd say. Besides, I don't want to lose weight this quickly and be all flabby when I'm done. Nope. I'm definitely going to need a boob job, but that's a story for another day, kids.



I also have to work getting my meds in during the day. Can't take the medication cocktail like I used to in the mornings. Doc says if I do that, it'll just turn into a medication blob and sit in my stomach. I don't want that, so I found these cute little containers at the $1 store and I put all my meds for the day in it: Synthroid, Lexapro, Ranitidine, B1, B12, multivitamin. I make 3 containers at once so I'm ready to go for 3 days. I try to have this container out in the open all day so when I see it I can take a pill. Spread them out over the day, you see. Well, I get all the pills in the cute little container, but I forget to take them, so I end up taking most of them between 6-10pm. Not what I wanted to do. I'm working on that. Oh, and I'm supposed to take Calcium with vitamin D but do you know how HUGE those pills are?! I have to ask the pharmacist about something smaller. That pill will not pass through my small stomach opening and I don't want problems because of a pill.



Down to 252.8 today. Not a big jump from yesterday. I won't weigh again until Friday.

Doctor day

Today was my visit with the pulmonologist. I see him because I sleep with a CPAP machine at night. I snore quite a lot and when I snore, I stop breathing - up to 55 times an hour! Uh, yeah, that's not good. The CPAP keeps a continuous pressure through the mask I wear to keep my throat open when I sleep so I don't snore and I don't stop breathing. Now that I've lost a fair amount of weight, I can have the pressure reduced on the machine. That is a good thing. The doctor told me at this rate, I may be off the machine altogether in the next 4-5 months. That would be fantastic!

After the doc visit, I headed up to Mom's to help her with her email. I stopped at the grocery store to get myself something to eat because it was 10:30am and I hadn't eaten anything since I got up at 6:30am. I got some thin-sliced deli roast beef and some swiss cheese. Yum! I also got some pears and some Pom juice - pomegranate and tangerine blend. Delish. I only ate the meat/cheese at the time. So email fixed, got some puppy updates and I headed to work to drop off something for a friend.

Cindy is the recipient of one of my latest book purchases, "Green for Life". I thoroughly enjoyed that book, especially all the smoothie recipes in the back. Head on over to Cindy's blog to see what she's up to this week. She'll probably talk about the book, too, once she starts reading.

After catching up with a few people at work, I headed to WalMart to get the curtain rods I need for the patio curtains. I realized at that time that I hadn't eaten again. It was now around 2pm. I really need a watch to remind me to eat every three hours. It's kind of maddening to have to eat that often, but I still had some roast beef/cheese in the car so I ate a little of that.

After shopping, I headed home. I was tuckered out. I knew I needed something refreshing to drink, but I was so tired, I didn't make juice or a smoothie. I know, I know, I would've felt so much better, but I was just so tired, you know? John got home from work and decided he was making burgers and Tony volunteered to make me my burger. He said he knew I could only maybe eat 1/4 of a burger patty, so I let him go for it. He carved down a hamburger bun to about the size of a soda can lid, added the burger, a slice of tomato, little bit of lettuce, onion, feta cheese and a nice light dressing of some type. I ate the meat and most of the veggies, but not much bun. I'm not supposed to eat soft bread yet, but I did eat a little bit but I chewed it til it was all but juice in my mouth. I know that sounds gross, but it's how I have to do it. Cantaloupe for dessert and I'm a happy camper.

I have to force myself to get the protein down. I need to make sure I have protein at each of my 5 meals during the day. I do notice that if I don't get much protein during the day, either by meat or veggies, that I feel lethargic and unmotivated. When I made the smoothie the other day, it perked me right up, so I have to remember that I can have a smoothie instead of a meal since those veggies do contain some protein.

Pretty much a blah day. I didn't even weight myself.

Enlightened!

I never would've thought there was so much to learn after gastric bypass surgery. Each day I learn something new about myself and how the surgery has changed how I eat and view food.

Day before yesterday was not a very good food day. I planned my meals and ate them pretty much every 3 hours. After each meal, I felt a bit "off". Not sick, not dumping, but just "off". My stomach hurt after each meal. I made sure to chew the food very very well and to eat slowly, but it still hurt after I ate, so I made sure to eat less, thinking maybe my meals were too large. Still a little pain each time. I can't drink with meals because that pushes the food out of my stomach and doesn't give it time to absorb nutrients, so I have to wait 30 minutes after eating to drink anything. So, the day was a bit uncomfortable.

So yesterday, I sat and thought about what I ate the previous day. Sometimes it's easier to look back and evaluate than it is to try and do it when you're in the situation, you know? So I looked back at my food and realized that the food I was eating was low in moisture content. Maybe I needed to make sure what I was eating wasn't so dry.

I prepared a few tilapia fillets and covered them with julienned zucchini strips. Only a few minutes in the pan and it was done. Love that. I plated up a small piece of the fish and some veggies and cut them up real fine on my plate. I ate my portion (until I was full) and guess what? No yucky feeling, no pain in my tummy! The fish and veggies were very moist and I bet that helped a lot. The fish and veggies lasted me for 4 meals and I didn't have one problem after eating. Amazing!

So there is a lot to learn about my new stomach. I know it's small, but it is picky. It wants good protein and moist veggies. Oh, and I'm supposed to eat food in this order when I eat: protein, veggies, carbs (if there is room). I need to remember that, too, when I eat. Protein first. There isn't much room in that small stomach right now, only about 1/4 cup, so I need to give it good stuff to make me feel good.

On another note, I've been reading this really good book called "Green for Life" by Victoria Boutenko. She talks about how green drinks really are the elixir of life. How green drinks/smoothies are optimal for health. I haven't made a green drink in ages, and I really need to do that. I just have to get past the greenness of the drink, you know? I know it tastes really good, but it's just so GREEN! When I was juicing and making smoothies prior to surgery, I felt terrific and I know that by drinking them, helped me recover quickly from surgery. It's just that after surgery I can only drink a little bit at a time and so little of anything that I just stopped making the drinks. Well, dammit, back to it! I don't want to be tired and I don't want to feel yucky. GREEN DRINKS ON THE MENU TODAY!

Down to 253.8 today. Wow!

Anger vs Irritation vs Detox

I woke up in a weird mood today. At first, I couldn't tell what it was. I got my cuppa and went out to the patio where John was already having his cuppa, a cig and reading the paper. I sat down, said "Good Morning" and watched as he read the paper. No conversation, just reading and then it hit me. I was angry. Not at John. I couldn't tell WHAT I was angry at or with or whatever! John and I have been married for almost 22 years and he knows when I get in a "mood", he just lets me be. That was a very good idea today.

After a bit, I realied I wasn't really angry at all, I was irritated. To me, there was a difference. I didn't want to yell or scream or throw things, I just wanted to be left alone to deal with this indifference I was feeling inside. I warned Tony that I was irritated today and he said "at what?" and I said I don't know. He says, "You know, you may be detoxing." OMG! That's it!!

After he said that and I let it soak in I actually felt a little better. I had a name for how I felt. I've been through detox before when I was on a diet and I stuck to it, but at that time, I didn't realize my feelings were because my body was changing and clearing out crap, and with the crap, go those feelings associated with the crap.

So, I let my body do its thing, getting rid of old waste and old feelings. I just let them flow. Let them out. I didn't like it one bit, but it has to be done. Thank god I have an astute kid and that my memory actually remembers bits and pieces of things. I remember reading about detoxing way back when I started juicing and Cindy and I discussed it. Years ago, I would've been on some diet doing really well and these same feelings would come up and I wouldn't know what to do with them so I'd get frustrated and eat. And then eat some more to cover those feelings. What a cycle!

I did a little retail therapy today because I needed to get out of the house. I made tilapia and zucchini for dinner and I feel terrific. I'm pretty sure part of my "mood" today was I needed nourishment in the form of protein but I didn't realize it at the time. I learn something new every single day.

I am so thankful for my insightful family and friends. I need them and love them to bits.

Down to 255 today. Half way through the 50's already!

Thursday again

So today is a good day. I got that freakin' tube out of my gut. I feel like a new person without that alien hanging around.

So I went to the doctor's and everything is fine. All my guts are fine, my lungs are fine, I can even give you a hearty cough. How exciting is that? Not very, but I passed my exam. I also attened a dietary seminar after the appointment. The dietician reviewed some protein supplements and some vitamins. I am supposed to be eating/drinking my 50-60 grams of protein a day and since I can't eat that much yet, I have to get a protein shake to make it up. I'm also on adult multivitamins plus a B1 supplement (thiamine). Next week I start the B12 supplements.

So as far as food goes, I'm on a little more substantial regime: Yogurt, cottage cheese, string cheese, scrambled eggs, cooked veggies, flaky fish,baby shrimp, beans, maybe some paper thin deli meats if I want. I can have some carbs now: cooked cereals like cream of wheat, and mashed potatoes. I can have melba toast as long as it is very toasty and I bite off little pieces and chew it to death. No doughy breads yet. I can have pasta after next Friday (at the 3 week mark).

Stopped at Henry's for a few veggies and bananas and came home and made a little zucchini stirfry. It was delicious. I chewed well and had no gastric surprises. :) I've had one of my protein shakes. I made it with a little mango Pom juice mixed with water and my vanilla protein powder. It was a little strange-tasting, but not horrible. Once I put in the ice cubes, I was fine.

Tony is making us dinner tonight. We're having something with scallops. He and I picked up a mixed veggie tray at Henry's. It has mushrooms, asparagus, onions and probably something else I'm forgetting. I can't wait to eat what he comes up with. He's a very good cook.

So until tomorrow, I leave you pain-free and happy.

Back to the 50's!

I'm so happy. Do you see the weight/BMI ticker above this post? See the numbers? I'm in the 250's! I haven't been here in ages. I know I still weigh a lot, but c'mon, this is progress!!

My lunch today:

• 1 can organic black beans, rinsed



• 2-4 tbsp jar salsa



• lots and lots of fresh cilantro

Put all in the Magic Bullet and you have refried beans. I had to add a little water to make it smushy. Lots of good protein from the beans and I need protein. I'm slowly eating until I am full. It doesn't take long when your stomach is the size of a ping pong ball. Sometimes I take too big of a bite and my stomach lets me know by hurting just a bit, so I'm learning to take smaller bites. My friend, Lale, suggested putting in some lime. Oooh, yeah, that sounds yummy! I don't have any limes at the moment, but we're going to the Farmer's Market today and so I'll get me some. Limeade would be refreshing, too, on these hot days.

Aside from making that horribly difficult lunch, I'm doing okay today. Energy is about 50%, but that's because I'm not eating like I should. When I get hungry, I'm also thirsty and I can't eat and drink at the same meal. The doc wants food in there only so that I stay full longer. Adding water or juice just washes the food out of my new little tummy and I get hungry an hour later.

I started to be mad at myself because I can't remember to eat more often (5 meals a day) but hey, I caught myself before I could get too down. This is new! How can I be perfect if this is new? How can I be perfect anyways? Gees, I am so hard on myself. Relax. Take a breath. Watch the hummingbirds in the feeder. Love that.

Here's a picture of me and Goober. Isn't he cute?

Today is better than yesterday

I've been waking up early this past week and you know why? I'm hungry! My empty tummy is telling me it needs to be fed.

So I'm out of bed and fed it. I had a little coffee w/milk because I still like my coffee in the morning. I fed my tummy some non-fat (no sugar) greek yogurt with a smashed up pear in it. Delicious and refreshing. I thought my tummy was full, but not sure. It's still hard to tell. I was also in a fair amount of pain this morning, so I took my liquid goodness and it took the edge off. I was feeling a big bloated by this point and not sure if it was the yogurt, the pear, the coffee or the medication. I sat on the couch and read my book and sipped my water.

Then my inspiriation came. Cindy called. She sounded so chipper and happy. I wanted to be that way, too! She asked me about what I had been eating/trying to eat and what juices I had made. Bingo! I needed some nutrients. We chatted a while and then I went and made a juice: I decided on some juice first, so I made the apple, carrot, beet, ginger juice. So yummy. I love that ginger!

A few hours later, I decided I wanted some real food in my little belly, so I decided to make me some potato soup. Hey, I can have canned cream soups, why not make my own and have it without any of the extras they put in there you know? Last I checked, I didn't need any emusifiers in my diet. So I microwaved a baked potato and let it cool. Meanwhile, I chopped up some spinach. I scooped out the potato guts and added the spinach to it. Smashed it up real good and added some low-fat milk, S&P, onion powder and garlic powder. Tasted it. Yum! Microwaved it and then started to eat it. I ate about half of my portion and felt full. About 2 hours later, I started hurting and I started to feel pain in my lower intestines. Oh no, could this be the dreaded dumping syndrome?

I thought if it was going to give me the dreaded dumping syndrome, well so be it. Rather have that from food choices than a processed sugar dump. I think I was experiencing the carbohydrate dump, so I decided to take a nap. Well, whatever it was was over by the time I woke up 2 hours later. I guess fresh potatoes are off the menu for now.

After my nap, I had a sugar-free jello and some water. I'm kind of afraid to eat now. It's so hard for me to tell the difference between the pain and hunger. It makes me feel so out of touch with my body. I'm going to keep taking my liquid pain meds regularly to see if that makes me feel more in touch with the hunger. Does that make sense? I have to rule one out before I can concentrate on the other.

I am still trying to figure out feeding times. I don't want to put myself on a "schedule" but I need to be reminded to eat every 3-4 hours right now. I'm finding I don't eat and I don't want my body to suffer because I'm absent-minded. I think I need a wrist watch with a reminder on it or something.

Off to find something to EAT. I know the feeling in my belly now has to be hunger. I haven't eaten anything since the jello at 7:30pm.

Today was a better day than yesterday. I accept that now.

Bad mood in progress

Why is everything pissing me off today???????

This morning, I was weepy. Then I was ok. Then I was pissy, now I'm just pissed off. At what? I don't know.

Every show on tv makes me antsy and irritated. My stomach hurts. My hair feels weird. The drain in my belly is leaking. I tell you, if I hadn't had this surgery, I would've been eating anything and everything. It's like I feel a binge coming on, but I can't binge. Ack! That's it!! I can't binge!

Ok, now that I know what it is, I can calm down and feel it. Work through it. I can do this.

Oh, and I'm down to 264.6. Yay me.

4 days post-op

and I need to give myself a break. I expect too much of myself sometimes. I'm sitting here feeling kind of shitty because my stomach hurts. Well, no duh! Things were rearranged in there only 4 days ago girl! It's gonna hurt for a little while. Go easy on yourself. I just feel that if I don't give 100% then I'm not doing my part to contribute to our world here right now. I feel like I should be de-cluttering the living room table, watering the plants outside, emptying the dishwasher, starting laundry (a day early) - just doing something besides sitting here on my ass doing computer stuff. But my tummy does hurt today. I've taken my liquid Vicodin (yum) so it's hurting less than when I got up, but I feel the need to be productive.

I have only two new incisions on my belly. They're about 1-2" long. The doctor "reused" some of the incisions he made with the gallbladder surgery two weeks ago. None of the incisions hurt. It's just my guts inside. The upper part where my new pouch is and the lower part where the drain is. Oh yeah, that fucking drain. I'm sick of it already and I can't have it removed until next Thursday. I tell you, I'm going to do a little dance when they take that sucker out. It's draining fluid from around (in?) my intestines where the new connection was made. It drains yellow, red fluids into a tube that connects to a squeezy bag thing outside. The place where the drain tube is connected is sewn to my skin (barely) and it leaks. All day, every day. It's a pain in the ass. All my clothes get wet all the time with the "gut juice" and it's disgusting. I have to empty this drain 1-2x a day every day. Can you see how happy this makes me? Yeah right. I can't wear shorts because the drain makes a big bulge if I stuff it in there and the waistband of my shorts hits right at the incision site. Ok, I'm done bitching about that.

So far so good on not dumping. I don't mean bowel movements, those are fine. Dumping is when you eat something with sugar in it and your body reacts and not in a good way. You cramp up, are nauseated and in pain. Lasts about 30 minutes I hear. No thanks. I've been a really good label reader for things coming out of commercial products. I've mostly been eating things from the ground. Yesterday I made my first green smoothie of my new life. I put in 1/4 avocado, small handful of spinach and 1/2 persian cucumber and blended it to a smooth oblivion in my Magic Bullet. I added some water so that I could drink instead of eat it. It was delish and my tummy liked it, too.

I'm working on some good juices for tummy health right now. Any suggestions? What veggies to you put together for your upset tummy? I know cabbage is good. I've got some recipes from Cindy that I will try out this weekend. I just had to wait until the honeymoon period was over with the new pouch. I didn't want to freak it out right off the bat, you know? There are far too few stomachs in this world that haven't tried natural organic juices, but mine is not one of them, but still didn't want to rock the boat, you know? It's only been a few days for god's sake, Debbie! Give yourself a freakin' break!

I must learn to be kinder to myself. I expect so much more from myself than I do from any friend or family member. I already talked about this in a previous post, so I'm not even going to bore myself with it again. I promise to be nicer to ME this week.

My weight is doing ok. When I went in the hospital, I was 266, and when I came out I was 272. Damn fluids they pump in you. Last night when I weighed I was 267.4. Not bad for 4 days out, right?

No pictures, because you really don't want to see what I want to share.

Day before surgery - again

Tomorrow is surgery day. Tomorrow I get the gastric bypass surgery I've been waiting for for the past two weeks. I am happy and nervous. Happy because, well, I get the surgery. Nervous, because I know what pain is ahead. The pain really isn't that bad. Nothing I can't deal with really. It's more discomfort. That's how it was with the last surgery anyways. The gallbladder surgery.

Whatever pain I have to endure, I will. I've been very cognizant about my new eating habits and life after this surgery. It is serious and it's time for me to get serious. Since the gallbladder surgery, I've changed my eating habits a lot. I've been eating mostly veggies and fruits, but I still eat meat, only smaller portions. I did have a day where I was craving Red Vines. Strange thing to crave, huh? So I bought a package and ate it over the next two days. After that, I was fine. I know that I can't do that after surgery, so I will substitute that craving with a juice or some type of physical activity.

I'm actually feeling a little anxious today. I had to take a Xanax. That's a biggee for me - taking something to calm me down. In the past, I would've medicated myself with food. I don't feel like I'm switching from food to drugs. No way. I'm just saying I'm aware of the change. Big step for me.

I'm feeling a little "blah" right now. Indifferent. Tired. Gotta go.

Asian Market

Yesterday I went to the Asian market. It's in San Diego and it's called the 99 Ranch Market. It has everything Asian in there: fish swimming in tanks, crabs and lobsters in little swimming pools, butchered pig, goat, fish, cow and probably other animals I didn't know what they were. There were as many different brands of soy sauce as there were shampoos. So many kinds of tea! Amazing dried things in bags: mushrooms, fish, fish bones, veggies and fruits. Shall I even mention noodles?? Wow.

My favorite part of the market was the fruits and veggies section. I never knew there were so many different kinds of cabbage! I picked something up called something-choi, probably a relative of bok choy. I'm treating it as cabbage and I'll cook it, smoothie it and juice it. I also got pea shoots. Love those! I've already used them in smoothies and on my sandwiches and burgers. They are so sweet-tasting. I meant to get some Japanese cucumbers, but forgot because I was so distracted by the weird fruits. Durians, breadfruits, Japanese apples/pears. Amazing place.

If I lived closer, I'd be shopping there, that's for sure.

My smoothie for the evening: 2 handfuls of frozen blackberries, 2 dollops of non-fat greek yogurt, one ripe banana and enough almond milk to make it drinkable. Yummy delicious! Who needs ice cream?!

Giving In

I just ate a peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich along with a cup of chocolate almond mild. It tasted so darn good!

I had already eaten a bowl of honeydew melon for breakfast, but was still feeling like I needed something more. I wasn't hungry after the melon, so I waited a couple of hours before I figured out what else I wanted to eat. I wanted something creamy. Something warm. Something substantial. I thought maybe oatmeal. No, I didn't feel like waiting for it to cook. Did I want leftover pasta? Nope. Hmmm.

In the past, I would've eaten my way through my feelings and the kitchen. Tasting one thing after another, eating half or all of what I thought I wanted. Mindless eating, looking for that one taste that satisfied. Never finding it, but ingesting tons of calories and eventually feeling overstuffed and disappointed with myself that I let myself get out of control.

Now I wait until I've figured out what I really want, even if it means I feel hungry for awhile. It's good to feel hungry. I never thought so before. I mean, the tiniest bit of hunger and I fed it with anything within reach or purchase. God forbid I get HUNGRY! Feeling the hunger is way better than feeling the disappointment of overeating. Wow, I think I need to frame that last comment.

So PB&J it was and it was delicious. I feel satisfied emotionally and physically.