Things are A-Changing

Feeling blue?

2010-10-25T10:31:00.001-07:00

Why am I feeling so blue? Is it the weather? Life? Meds? Food? Probably all of the above.

I just feel so BLAH and have been for a couple of weeks now. I've felt very out-of-sorts since my dental surgery last Wednesday. Bone grafts, extractions, gluing, etc., but that's not all of what makes me feel so yucky.

Going through a bit of a relationship shift right now, but we're working on that one. It's hard work and I feel at my age, I'm not sure I want to do it sometimes. Just so tired of stuff. Just want to hide away in a cabin with a fireplace, soft warm bed, knitting, tv and endless vanilla lattes.

I'm tired of working. I have to get my head on straight. I just keep thinking I'm tired of working this same job every day, but then I only have 7 years left here until retirement. Seven years. That's not very long, but when I think of it EVERY day, it is horrible. Have to get my head into one day at a time. One foot in front of the other as my friend, Bill, says. Just get through each day. It would help if the building industry was busier in this town. That would make my job busier and more interesting. Have to make up projects to keep myself busy. That gets tiresome. Have to do what I have to do because I do not want to be without a job in this horrible economy. No way.

On a lighter note, I'm almost finished with my Mom's Christmas present, my niece's baby blankets and am now working on a gift for a co-worker for Christmas. I am in the mood for finishing things. I went through a period of starting so many things that I felt I couldn't possibly finish any of them. Keep myself overwhelmed so I stay in this pity pit. Ridiculous, so I am now finishing up projects hoping they make me feel better.

On a weight loss note, I'm not doing so good. Not dumping on sugar is the worst thing. I can eat whatever I want and I don't dump. Seems I only dump when I eat way too much, so I only eat enough to keep myself the side of non-dumping. I've gained about 8 lbs and am working that off. I've cut back on the evening snacks and that's helping. I do have to exercise more if I want to be under 200 by Christmas. That's my gift to myself. I know I'll feel better just knowing the number is there.

I've been really bad about not taking my vitamins. Now that I've said that, that's probably why I feel so run down and shitty. Duh! See what I miss by not blogging? I don't carry my thoughts quite right. So now I've broken out the pill container from my purse and got my vitamins set for the week. My goal will be to take all my vitamins for each and every day this week. Have to get it out of my head that it's not a "chore", since I tend to want to overwhelm myself that way. Why? I have no idea.

Enough self-analysis for today. I'm tired of it.

Weekend

2010-10-11T09:58:00.001-07:00

My weekend was good food-wise, not so good health-wise.

I have a frozen right shoulder and an HMO health plan. Really, do I need to go into it? My HMO doles out physical therapy appointments like it was methadone. Come on, it's helping me get better and you only give me 6 visits at a time? Once I get my 6 golden visits, I made them at the PT place. On the 6th visit (usually the 3rd week since I go twice a week), the PT person has to make out a report, fax it to my PCP and then they forward their report to the managing group. This process can take anywhere from 3-infinity days. This time it's been infinity. I've been out of PT for almost 3 weeks, made the calls, but still not visits. I've been doing my shoulder exercises pretty regularly, but it's not enough. Those PT people have magic hands, you know?

Last week Thursday, my shoulder was feeling more sore than usual. By the end of the work day, it felt like lead and I could hardly lift it. I did tough it out long enough to get my nails done, but then who wouldn't? By the time I got home, the pain was about a 6 - severely impeding my knitting and computer work. By midnight, the level had gone up to a 8.5 and I was ready to do anything to make the pain stop. I tried John's leftover Robaxin, but no help. I had nothing stronger, so I took some tylenol.

By 4am, my pain level was a screaming 10. The pain radiating from my shoulder socket down the front of my arm felt like Freddy Kruger was having a field day in there. John was up and getting ready for work, so I asked Tony to take me to the closest ER.

We go to Palomar Pomerado and I get right in. They give me shots of Dilaudid and Tordol. I get an oral antinausea med and a Valium. The pain is still there but I'm loopy and sleepy so they send me home at 6am.

By 10am, I'm awake and writhing in pain. 10+ again. Shit. I call the doctor's office to make an appt and get one at 2:20. I take some of the take-home meds from Palomar - Vicodin and Valium, and try to rest. No good.

We get to my doctor appt. My Nurse Practitioner wants to get an MRI of my shoulder, but because I have an HMO and no previous authorization, no MRI for me that day. She says I should go to Scripps ER and they will do the MRI there, so off we go to the second ER visit of the day.

I wait for about 2 hours and get seen in the hallway. Yes, I know I'm not bleeding to death, but when you're in pain, you feel like you are the most important patient, right? The ER doc tells me that they do not do MRI's for patients with painful shoulders unless there has been an injury. Frozen shoulders don't count. He tells me if it was HIS shoulder, he would want a shot of steroids and a bunch of steroid pills to take home along with his arm in a sling, so guess what I got? Yeah.

I have to say, that within 4 hours, my shoulder was feeling so much better after the steroid shot. Apparently, my shoulder was so inflamed that it was pinching a nerve. How come it takes so many doctors and so much running around to get to the answer? Jeez.

Been on my meds since Thursday and my shoulder is not pain-free, but it is much better.

Oh, I forgot to mention that in the doctor's office, I mention the PT craziness to the NP. She says, "I don't know why you haven't been getting PT since there is a note in here authorizing 12 visits. The note was signed on Sept. 27th. Say WHAT?? I was pissed. I said "well someone here dropped the ball big time."

I'm not going to get into my views on what I believe our healthcare system is going to be, but I do know now that you, as a patient, have to stay on top of your own health and care. Don't depend on a doctor's office with a million patients to take care of your little problem. Be proactive and follow through. But sometimes that doesn't even work.

Whatever.

My food choices and intake has been really good the past week. I believe I have lost 4 lbs, but we'll see when I weigh in tomorrow. I've also added riding my recumbent bike and adding more walking to my daily activities.

Back in the Saddle

2010-10-06T08:43:00.001-07:00

Yes. I'm back. It's been way too long.

I like to think of myself as a good communicator, but I'm not. I like to think that I am clear in my thinking and speaking, but I'm not. There's a lot of noise in my head and sometimes the static takes over.

My case in point:

I feel that if I don't purge (write down) my thoughts about feeling out of control with food, then they don't exist. If I ignore them, they will go away (under the covers). If I tell someone else either in person or in blog, then it's real. People read it. My shit is out there and I can't take it back.

It's like the old days. The freezer would be filled with frozen treats, but I wasn't allowed to eat them because I was always overweight and on some type of diet. (My first diet was melba toast and chicken broth at age 12.) So when no one else was home, I would sneak the tasty treats, rearrange the rest of them so you couldn't tell I took anything, and I'd gobble them down and hide the wrappers. If no one else sees it, then it doesn't exist, right? I could hide from others for a time, but then it became very apparent my diet of crackers and broth wasn't working. Imagine that!

So I have this blog to keep myself honest. I've made mistakes and I'll continue to make mistakes, but I'm going to forgive myself because I'm human. I can't be perfect no matter how hard I try. There will be another blog post soon on my ongoing pursuit of perfectionism.

I've heard it said that it takes 30 days to make a change in behavior. My change will be to determine my hunger, emotional or physical, and eat accordingly. After 30 days, then I make another change. I will not try to change the world in 3 days as in failed attempts in the past. Slowly, but surely.

Oh, and if anyone thinks that gastric bypass is the easy way out, kiss my (shrinking) butt. It's not just about the food. It's more mental than you'd think. It makes you face your demons and they are scary.

Moving onward.

Away

2010-07-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

I've been away for quite awhile, but I'll be back soon. I promise.

Food Confessions

2010-04-19T09:33:00.000-07:00

It's been a pretty shitty week, food-wise.

I have been on antibiotics and prednisone for my sinus infection. I swear that the prednisone makes me eat because all I wanted to do was eat, and not the good stuff, either.

I ate cookies and muffins and cookies and cake. Did I mention cookies?? OMG I craved sugar and once I got on it, I couldn't get off it, and I'm still on it! It didn't help my situation with making cookies this weekend. Oh, the glorious cookies! Ok, they were kinda healthy: the usual choc chip recipe but with whole wheat flour, 1/2 the amount of choc chips, added pecans, walnuts and ground almonds. Oh yes, they are delicious. TOO delicious. I think I ate 8 or 10 of them on Saturday, then 8 or 10 on Sunday and then when I woke up this morning, I had 2 with my coffee!! Curse you, cookies!

So why don't I throw them away? How dare you think of that! That's good cookies in the garbage. No way! I should be stronger than the cookie. Stronger than the sugar!

But I'm not.

This is the first time since my surgery that I've slid this far and I can definitely feel it in my body. My stomach feels all squishy and jiggly and overall I feel like crap. I've had headaches (besides the sinus and mingraines) because of the sugar. I know the headaches are from the bad eating. Been there, done that. I just have to want to get off the sugar. Have to actually remove it from the house to get off it. I'll take the rest of the cookies in to work tomorrow so I don't have to look at them in their pretty, crystal jar. Those perfectly round, crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, delicious, sweet cookies. STOP! See what I mean? They've got a hold on me and they won't let go!!!

So here's the thing about the binge. The sugar binge. I know I'm doing it, but I disconnect. I keep eating when I know I'm full or I know it's not good for me. I really wish I still "dumped" when I had too much sugar, but I rarely do anymore. If I did "dump", I wouldn't be eating so much sugar. Glad I don't throw up because it would just be another excuse to keep on eating, you know? The binge devil inside my head just keeps telling me "one more, just one more" and so I do. I push myself to the point of over-eating and total discomfort. Why? To see if I can still make myself feel like shit, I guess. Ok, I can still do it, so I have to knock it off now. Really, how much abuse can I put upon myself before I finally "get it"?

I haven't gotten on the scale, because I'm sure my weight is up, from both the prednisone and the sugar bingeing. No sense in torturing myself yet again. I'm tired already.

On the other hand...

I've been craving good food, like steamed veggies and salads. I believe that is my body telling me it needs those things, but I just kept giving it sugar. Bad Debbie. Right now, I'm craving some steamed broccoli with a little butter and some nooch. That's nutritional yeast for those of you that aren't familiar with nooch. It tastes like cheese, but is full of those lovely B vitamins.

I'm taking today one minute at a time. Will detox and get the sugar out of my system. Lots of tea and water to drink today. No added sugars of any kind. Have to break the cycle. Start writing down all my food again. Keep myself accountable. Get back on track.

Testing the limits?

2010-04-09T08:51:00.001-07:00

Why, oh why, do I test the limits of things??

Yesterday was one of those days. I tested my patience, my self-control and my stomach.

(\___/)
(='-'= )
(") (") Debbie

Feeling the difference

2010-04-01T10:13:00.001-07:00

I'm really feeling the difference today. The difference of the 5 pound weight loss.

When I weighed upwards of 290, I can remember being on a diet and losing 5 pounds. Whoopie! It was just a number. I couldn't tell the difference in my clothes or my appearance. But losing 5 pounds at 209 makes a huge difference. The size 18 pants I've been wearing were a little tight around the waist, the butt and the thighs, but now they are a little loose. Weird. Don't get me wrong, it's not BAD by any means, just weird to me. I'm not used to the differences a little weight loss can make.

I don't have to squeeze into my office chair like I used to at 290. I can "squeeze by" people in a room and not feel like I need to yell "Fat girl coming through. Please move aside!" I can just slip by sideways and not even touch people. In restaurants, I don't have to pre-navigate the route out if I'm in a crowded dining room. Not having to worry about going between chairs and not bumping the other diners. An overweight person totally gets this. When I was 290, I felt like I was invisible to other people, especially men. I don't mean invisible invisible, I mean that I was so fat they didn't even look at me. I was invisible to them. I don't feel like other women are looking at me and thinking, "oh god, I will NEVER get that big!" I used to say the same thing about big women and then I was one. I get it.

Weight loss does a number on your head whether you want it to or not. It makes you face your demons. ALL of them! I'm going through the crap and I don't really like that I'm forced to (by my body), but I'm glad I am. I'll be a better, more focused and attentive person once I get through this. I'll be normal, whatever that is.

The best thing about all this? I'm not eating to cover up emotions. I can't, really. I mean, yes, I can EAT, I just can't binge, I can't graze like before. It's not physically possible. I get sick. I'm forced to deal with the feelings and sometimes that is not pleasant. At all. But I do it. I'm proud of me for doing that. It's new to me and I'm dealing and guess what? I'm not perfect! Imagine that. Not perfect and I'm ok with that!!

Downward trend??

2010-03-30T10:29:00.000-07:00

I am so hoping this is a downward trend. I've lost 5 lbs in the past week.

It's been so long since I've lost a significant amount of weight. I'm down to 204. I can hardly believe that the next 5 pounds will put me under 200. Wow! I haven't been under 200 in over 22 years.

A friend of mine told me that since I wasn't losing, I needed to shock/trick my body into losing weight again. So I ate and ate and ate. Sometimes I overate. I did that for a week. I didn't like it, but I did it. Then this past week, I cut back. Waaay back. Back to eating until ALMOST full. Drinking more liquids. Eating only when hungry. The normal things I should do and I guess it worked. Hooray!

I've been thinking a lot about exercise these days. No, I haven't done anything yet, but I think about it a lot! I've been thinking of walking to work a couple of times a week. It's only a mile and a half from home to work, so why not? Once the weather warms up a little bit in the mornings, I'm on that idea like the stink on limburger. I know exercising will get more of the weight off, too.

I'm getting pretty squishy in areas I don't want to be squishy. My upper arms. My belly. My thighs. I'm hoping the skin isn't permanently stretched in those areas because I don't want saggy skin. That's yuckier than fat, in my opinion.

This picture is from this morning at work. I had my coworker take a picture of my shoes for my daily shoe post on Facebook and she decided to take this picture, too. I think I'm looking pretty decent. I'm happy with my body, and really that's all that matters, right? Well, kinda. I was ok with my body when I was 290, too. I've always been comfortable in my own skin. I just need to be healthier now. Too many family diseases, specifically cardiovascular ones, and I don't want to tempt fate any more than history gives me. I figure the healther I am, the better I can fight whatever comes my way.

So yeah, I'm down 5 pounds. That makes me happy. VERY happy!

Learning Patience

2010-03-10T09:33:00.000-08:00

Patience. I've always considered myself a patient person.

I'm patient when teaching my crafts classes. I was a cub scout leader and organized and tamed 150 kids for summer camp. I'm patient with coworkers when they think they need to tell me their story for the 99th time. I'm patient with my husband when he doesn't do his chores on my time schedule. I'll patient with others, but not myself.

I don't allow myself to be patient when I'm crafting. I want it done now if not sooner. Oh, and it must be PERFECT! When I diet, the weight must come off tomorrow if not today and by gosh, give me 10 lbs! Hurry! When I'm learning a new recipe, it must come out perfectly or I don't try it ever again.

Why this obsession/compulsion with patience and perfection? I don't know, but I'm trying to figure it out. I'm making an effort to find the reasoning behind it. My therapist is helping with that, too. Who knew all this JUNK was hiding inside me making me sabotage myself in so many ways? That's how I feel about it.

I know a certain amount of perfection is required in some things, but certainly not in making pancakes or knitting a scarf. Perfection is required when, um, when... when?? When is it REQUIRED and by whom? I make myself nuts with this dilemma, and then I lose PATIENCE with myself!

When I'm not perfect, I feel I let myself down and I just let the whole day go to shit. I no longer require perfection from myself because I've already failed. Yes, that's immature. I'll admit that. Just saying what it is and what I do. So why do I hold myself to these ridiculously high standards? Why can't I just "do my best"? It's crazy, I tell ya.

I can tell you that knitting is helping me to learn patience. As a beginning knitter (I started knitting in October 2009), could I start out making scarves? Nope. I set the standard way up there and started a vest. I didn't finish the vest because it was pretty wonky, but I had no problem ripping it out and saving the yarn for another project. Then I started a pair of socks. Say what? Some people don't start socks until after YEARS of knitting, but oh not me. Set the bar so high I have to work that perfection, work that obsession and make that goal.

I've finished one sock and working on the second one, and you know what? The first one is NOT perfect and neither is the second one and you know what? IT'S OK! Gasp! Did I say that? No, I don't like the little hole here and there that I made, but those socks are mine and they are teaching me to slow down and accept my abilities as they are.

I tend to want to start new projects all the time without finishing up the project before. It's always a big high for me to buy the yarn and find the perfect pattern and start the project, but once it gets hard or I've goofed it up somehow, I put it aside. Ah, can't be perfect so why finish? Who would want an imperfect scarf? Who would even know but me?!

I'm teaching myself patience. I'm now going back and finishing up that second sock, that second glove, the sweater, the scarf and the hat. I'm cutting myself a break when I can't accomplish the 1100 things I've put on my list of things to accomplish today. I'm not superwoman. Oh no, say it isn't so!

So, I'm being patient with my weightloss. Two days ago, I was down to 207 and I was ecstatic. Today, trash day, I get on the scale and it says 209, but I'm not disappointed. Why? Well, I've been doing more cardio (riding my bike) and I feel different again, so maybe my body is just adjusting again. I know my weight will drop again soon. I'm certain of that because I'm learning patience. Knitting my way to patience one project at a time.

(\___/)
(='-'= )
(") (") Debbie

Waking Up

2010-02-22T09:06:00.001-08:00

It's weird sometimes.

I needed this past weekend more than I thought. It was the week with my Friday off and it was full of appointments, as usual. That's ok, because they needed to be done. Better than taking sick time off from work to do things like get my hair colored, you know? After my appointments, I drove down to San Diego to visit my friend, Gig. He and I visited for hours and then we went out for Chinese food at Hong Kong restaurant in Hillcrest. YUM! We stopped in at the American Apparel store and picked out some underwear for my son (long story on that one, but saved for another time) and I got some fun things for me: lacy socks and thigh-high socks. Oh yeah, those babies are warm! Then back to Gig's for more chit-chat and then a smooth drive home in the rain.

Saturday didn't start out so good: migraine. Shit. I held off with the medication as long as I could (why do I do that?!) and then took it and went to bed. Slept for 3 hours. Got up and tried to craft, but couldn't concentrate so watched tv. Sleepy and headachy again at 4, so went back to bed and slept again for 5 hours. Woke up and felt great! Rejuvenated. Wow. I knitted and crafted for hours and hours. Finally went to bed at 6am and woke again at 9:30am ready to take on Sunday.

Sunday was spent mostly in my head. As I went through my chores and organized my yarn stash, I just let the thoughts fly in and out of my head. I didn't try to solve anything, I just listened. Let them flow. It's weird to do that, I think. Not trying to solve anything, but just letting the chatter carry on in there. Just hearing my head.

I'm missing my friends these days. The ones I've kept at a distance these past few months. Time to reconnect and integrate myself back into parts of my old life. What's that saying: When it's dark enough, you can see the stars. Something like that. Well, it's plenty dark enough. I'm ready for some stargazing.

Stuck Again

2010-02-16T08:28:00.001-08:00

Weighed myself this morning. Still 209. What gives? I was at 221 like forEVER and then whoosh! Twelve pounds come off and now I'm stuck at 209. Ugh.

I know the weight loss is much slower now that the initial huge loss is over, but hey, c'mon now. I want MORE! I have noticed that my body is changing, though. I'm feeling smaller in places like my waist and my hips. I think my face is thinning out a bit more, too. I have to conclude that since the weight is not coming off that the fat from those thinning out places must be going somewhere so I'm guessing it's my ass.

I've been sitting on my ass a lot these days. Sometimes it hurts from sitting so much and I have to get up and move around. It only takes a couple of hours of sitting to get to that point, but still. I've been doing a lot of sitting down activities: watching t.v., knitting, crafting, working. I need to get my butt off the chairs and couches more often. Last night while crafting, I stopped and got on my recumbent bike and rode for 15 minutes. Nothing strenuous. Only rode at 10mph. Again, SITTING, but at least my circulatory system was getting a workout, right?

Speaking of working out, I need to get on that right away. I'm noticing my body is getting squishy. Well, my torso is getting squishy. I now have muffin-tops when I wear my pants. Not a good look at ALL. Oh and let's talk about the girls. They are looking mighty sad these days. Extreme weight loss will do that to them. They are sad sacks pointing south. I know, maybe TMI, but I have to remind myself of these things. It may be helpful someday. Oh, the girls look great in my bras. You gotta have a good bra! But out of the bra, well, let's just say, um, well, let's not just say anything. Poor little flat bags. There, I said it.

So, I'm going to start going to the gym. No sense in having a membership if you don't use it, right? Right. I'll use the bike and trampoline at home for cardio and go to the gym for toning. That will get those muscles built up and start the fat burning again. That's what I'm hoping for anyways.

All in all, my life is good these days. I know I've complained a lot these past few months, but things are turning around. I'm feeling better about myself. Maybe I just go through the winter blues and don't realize it. That being said, I'm headed off to tackle the to-do list on my desk at work. Git 'er done!!

It's Been Awhile

2010-02-01T15:49:00.000-08:00

Too long since I posted last. Lots of crap going on.

1. My eating is terrible these days. Too much processed junk and not enough healthy stuff. I'm craving vegetables, but I don't eat them. Too much work, I think to myself. Say what?! I'm just lazy and would rather just grab a popcorn chip as opposed to eating a healthy wrap or something. Oh, I did make some healthy smoothies last week, but there were no veggies in them. I'm sick to my stomach because I'm eating terribly, but do I stop? Well, not yet. I'm working on it. It's kind of like a binge without the bingeing since I can't eat a lot, but I can OVER eat. I'm also eat crap so I feel terrible. Ok, that's one thing I have to take care of. The weird thing is, I'm still losing weight, so that doesn't help the insanity either.

2. My personal life is hell. I've procrastinated on so many tasks that I risk the chance of my car being taken away. Oh, nothing like missing payments (car is paid in full) or accidents. I just haven't gotten it fixed. California has this stupid smog thing you have to do to your car and my car didn't pass the smog test. I have to have some sensors replaced. That's all. Thing is, way back in June (yes JUNE) when I paid my registration and had the car tested and it didn't pass the smog test, I applied to the State for monetary assistance for repairs. I was granted the assistance, but then I had my two surgeries and I forgot. Fastforward to October. I get stopped by the Highway Patrol and get a fix-it ticket. I had until January-something to get that done or have to pay a $250 fine. In December I get stopped by the Sheriff and he gives me a ration of crap about my registration. I explain the above stuff, but he doesn't care, and rightfully so. He lets me off with a warning, but says if I get pulled over again, they will impound my car. Did all that spur me on to fix the car? NO! I am sick and tired of taking care of my car. I think it should be my husband's job, but apparently he doesn't agree with me.

3. Taxes. I'm not going to tell you EVERYthing here, but let's just say we are way behind in filing taxes. It's my fault and I need to get it done. This is one thing I vow to do in the next week: Get an appointment with my tax guy and get 2009 done so I can file the past years taxes done. Hey, it's a power struggle thing and I'm not proud of it. I just want someone to pay attention to me. Guess what? It's not working.

4. I hate taking pills. If I can't take them all at once in the morning, I just don't do it. I don't want to remember to do it. Even though I set alarms on my phone to remind me to take pills, I don't. I look at the phone and say "ha ha, I don't have to take them if I don't want to". It's stupid. Another power struggle, but with MYSELF! How freakin' stupid is that??? I was not a good girl (surprise) and did not take my B vitamins after surgery so now I'm deficient. I'm also vitamin D deficient, too, but just a little. I think I need to re-connect with my sun buddy. So if I didn't like taking the pills before, now I have MORE pills to take!!

Here's what I take: Synthroid, Lexapro, Prilosec, multivitamin, calcium (2 pills a day), vitamin d, vitamin b6, vitamin b12, Omega oils and iron. Theoretically, I have to take the Prilosec first thing in the morning so the stomach acid calms down. Have to wait 2 hours before or after eating to take the Synthroid. Lexapro can be taken with anything. Vitamin D should be taken with the C and the B6 can be taken with the multivitamin (which is a chewable). Calcium should be taken at night because it makes me a bit sleepy. The omegas I take with dinner. The B12 is twice a week. Is the vitamin D only twice a week or is it daily? The iron. Hmm, I know I can't take the iron with either the C's or the calcium or something... I forget. God, I hate taking PILLS!

I have to get my shit together with the pills or I will pay for it health-wise, I know that. I'm just so tired of all the pills. I've been feeling so crappy and I know it must have something to do with the pills I'm not taking. My nutritionist told me to think of them as nutrition instead of pills. Whatever. It's still a pill. There are times that the pill will not go down my throat because I just don't want to take it and some of my pills are BIG. I will get through this, right?

Well, I guess I'll get off my pity pot. I'm tired of sitting on it, actually. Got to get these things cleared off my list.

Thrown for a loop yet again, but I'm OK

2010-01-10T17:41:00.000-08:00

I'm trying not to be all depressed about it, but the fact of the matter is, it hurts.

Yesterday morning, I'm eating my oatmeal out on the back patio and John is reading his newspaper. I mention that, even though it's not trash day, I weighed that morning and oh-my-god I'm down to 209. I'm excited, you know? Guess what he said? Nothing. He said nothing. He half-smiles and nods and goes back to his paper.

I know, I know, guys get into their caves and don't like to be bothered when they're in there, but I was just so excited, you know? After he said NOTHING, I really wanted to lash out and yell and tell him what a shithead he was (is), but that wouldn't have solved anything but let the neighbors know our business. So I went up to the craft room and stayed there all day. Oh, I'm not letting this slide under the carpet, no way. He's going to hear how he hurt my feelings, that's for sure.

After thinking about it yesterday and today, I'm glad I'm fairly centered and realize that I'm losing weight for ME, not for him or anyone else. I just want to know how hard it can be to say, "gee, you look good today" or "I notice how much thinner you look" or something like that. ANYthing! Hell, my coworkers notice every day. My acupuncturist even tells me he can see the difference. He calls me the incredible shrinking woman! My husband? No words.

This whole situation is nothing new. We've been married for 22 years and I've been feeling left out for a long time. We've discussed similar situations and things change for a short time and then back to what it is. I can't help but take it personally. What person doesn't like to hear personal conversation? I get football, baseball or scouts. Whoopie. I just feel like we're roommates. Sad.

I do fill my life with things that make me happy. I get to knit night every Tuesday. I go out with the girls for wine, food, movies or fun. I have great relationships at work with my work family. I know my relationship with my husband is not right, but it's always been that way and I figure it always will be. If only one person wants to change, it's hard to keep trying when it's a one way street, you know?

I didn't mean for this to be a husband-bashing post. Not at all. I think where I'm going is, that with the weight loss, I'm feeling my feelings. REALLY feeling them and I feel alone. Alone is good sometimes, but not all the time. I'm just afraid if things keep going as they are now, that things will change, and not in a good or planned way. Maybe, just maybe, he'll read this post and learn something.

Homemade Nut Butter

2010-01-06T13:51:00.000-08:00

I've been craving fats.

I've been limiting myself to fats for so long I guess it's catching up with me. I went home for lunch today and thought about a peanut butter sandwich, but wasn't really in the mood for just peanut butter. The peanut butter is peanutty enough, but it's dry and tastes only like peanuts. Duh.

I decided I would make my own nut butter. I always have plenty of raw almonds on hand, so I threw in three handfuls of almonds into the Magic Bullet. Then I added two medjool dates and a couple of tbsp of coconut oil and another tbsp of toasted almond oil. Blended that up for a few minutes and tasted it. Wasn't quite what my tastebuds wanted, so I added a few more dates and about a tbsp of shredded coconut. Blend blend blend and then another taste. Oh-my-freakin-god, it's so GOOD! I wanted to just eat it by the spoonful, but that wouldn't be very smart, now would it?

So, I put my concoction, about a cup's worth, into a tupperware container. I got out one of those multigrain sandwich rolls, you know those ultra thin ones? I spread a few tbsp of my almond/coconut/date butter on it. I enjoyed every single morsel. I used a web-based recipe builder and calculated the nutrition for this. It comes out to about 5 grams of sat fat and 1.1 gm of protein per tbsp. This won't be an everyday food, so I can afford to eat it when the cravings start.

I'm waiting now to see if I'm going to have a reaction. You know, the dumping kind. I'm trying to figure out what makes me feel so sleepy and dump so hard. See last few posts. It's trial and error with the diet trying to figure out what makes me feel good or bad.

On another note, it's trash day and I forgot to weigh. Tomorrow it is, then.

Fooooood

2010-01-01T13:49:00.001-08:00

Hi all.

I've been doing a lot of eating these past few weeks. Even some secret eating. Not good. But now that that confession has been said and lesson learned, let's carry on, shall we?

I've been craving sweets lately. Not necessarily candy (I won't eat that), but sweet things, yogurt-covered pretzels, commercial granola bars, oatmeal raisin cookies. I have to nip that in the bud. No more of that, but I can't cut out sweet stuff entirely.

I'm reading about low-glycemic index foods and it seems like this could work for me. I combine low GI foods with a little bit of the higher GI foods and my blood sugar won't spike and I won't fall asleep when my body "dumps" the sugar. I'm giving that a go.

I credit Cindy with informing me about this. Cindy has been my go-to food person ever since I decided to go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery. She helped me plan out my juices, smoothies and foods as I went from each new eating level after surgery. A tremendous help! I credit her with much of my success.

So now that I'm able to eat "normal" foods, I'm finding that I'm slipping back into my old habits: snacking on high calorie foods (albeit smaller portions) and snacking all day long. I am limited, however, by the size of my stomach, so I can't eat mass quantities, but I can still graze, and graze I do. At one point last night, I realized I was feeling somewhat ill, and thought, "why do I eat all this crap? Do I do it to make myself sick? Is it so I FEEL?" I don't know and I didn't take the time to explore that last night, but I did stop the eating.

When I woke this morning, I was not hungry and I didn't eat until 1pm. I'm getting back to basics yet again (I have a feeling this is a lifetime process) and listening to my physical body and will only feed it when it is actually hungry. I've had to do this numerous times since surgery in July, but hey, it's over 50 years of bad eating I'm trying to overcome, so I'm giving myself a tiny little break.

So back to the food. When I was hungry, I looked through my food blog feed list and voila! I found the perfect recipe for today. It's Whole Wheat Pumpkin Pancakes. I did make a few changes: I didn't have any almond milk left, so I used my pumpkin soy milk instead. I was also out of almond butter (must make some) so I used my peanut butter (ground peanuts only). I had some mini chocolate chips in the baking cupboard so I used those. Can you say YUM?!! John loved them. He had 3 pancakes and I had my one pancake. I'm totally satisfied!

I'm going to start sharing more food blogs and recipes that I find and use. It'll help me later and heck, you might enjoy it as well.

Trash Day Weigh-In

2009-12-30T10:29:00.000-08:00

Yep, it's trash day guys and gals. That means one thing: I get to weigh today. So as the water was heating for my shower this morning, I sprinted upstairs and got out the scale. Slipped out of my slippers and stood naked on the scale and it said: 212.8. Yippee!

I am not disappointed with that number at all. In the last 43 days, I have lost 7 lbs. For me, that's great, especially with the holiday treats and snacking lately. My body feels different again. A lot of my new pants and skirts are hanging on me - again. Time to buy more. Ugh!

As much as I love shopping, I'm kind of tired of shopping for clothes these days. It's hard when you feel so terrific and you go shopping and find that the clothes you SHOULD wear as a 52-year-old woman are just not what you want to wear. I want to wear fun, flirty clothes, but I don't want to look like a middle-aged tramp. Need to find a store with fun, trendy clothes for the older woman who feels 25. Know of a store like that?

I am having a great time buying shoes, however. I have always loved shoes. I can remember when I was in middle school when the JC Penney or Sears catalog would arrive in the mail. I would dig straight to the shoes section and dream of owning all of them. My Mom never bought me any from the catalog, so all I had were dreams of shoes. Once I got a job in high school, I started buying myself all kinds of shoes. Right now I just love buying all kinds of colors with wild embellishments on them. I am still looking for the perfect pair of red CFM pumps with a 3-4" heel. Oh yeah, baby! Someday I'll take a picture of my shoe collection for you.

So I leave this post feeling sassy and thin. I'm craving garbanzo beans today for some reason. Guess I'd better get the hummus from the fridge and snack on that.

I hope "shoe" have a great day!

I've Got It!

2009-12-28T13:13:00.001-08:00

It just hit me today.

I've been trying to think why I've been eating all day every day. I don't mean overeating, like yesterday, but eating, SNACKING, all day every day. It's because when I'm hungry, I don't eat until I'm full. I'm only eating until I've satisfied the urge to eat. That shit has got to stop.

Now that I'm aware of it, I can do something about it. I was thinking it was just what my stomach wanted, or thought maybe it was just what my eating just is now, but no. A few months ago, I was eating 3-4 meals a day and I was doing fine. Something changed and the snacking began.

Starting today, I've changed it. I ate my hummus and pita for breakfast and for lunch I had buffalo meatloaf (can you say YUMMY) and some steamed broccoli. I have leftover meatloaf and broccoli for another meal or two, too. I ate until I was comfortably full and not a bite beyond. I did drink a little tea before and after lunch, but not too much, so my food should stay with me for awhile.

I need to feed my thirst as well. I'm noticing I'm thirsty more often now for some reason. I crave something ice cold. My first reaction is to ignore it since I hate drinking water, but the need to have some liquid in me over-rides that feeling of ignoring it. I'll get better at the water drinking. That will definitely help with weight loss, too, since it has slowed down quite a bit these past few months.

I'm having a great day. I feel my eyes are wide open and I'm ready for 2010. Bring it on, baby!

Terrible Food Day But It's Over

2009-12-28T09:08:00.000-08:00

I had a terrible food day yesterday and I have to blog this so I remember that I do have bad days. That those old food days are still around.

I woke up and was not hungry, but wanted my morning coffee and then the food spiral started. I just ate and ate and ate whatever I wanted. All day long, every couple of hours, I ate something, and not something good, either. I ate crackers and cheese. I ate apple cobbler. I drank TWO diet sodas in one day. I ate a chocolate square. More crackers. Half a turkey with swiss sandwich. I just ate and ate and ate.

Thing is, I know why I ate. I was lonely and bored. John had to work on this Sunday, but it wasn't because I missed him. Hey, we've been married 22 years, we're not newlyweds. So that wasn't it. I was more lonely from being bored.

I surfed the web for hours while sitting on the couch watching HGTV. Did that for like 4 hours. Then I knit for awhile. More web surfing. Cleaned out the magazine rack. Watched a movie. All boring. I wanted to be entertained and no one was entertaining me! LOL Oh, and I stayed in my jammies all day. Yes, the same jammies I wore all night the night before, I stayed in all day and then slept in them again! My husband must think I'm losing it.

The last straw eating-wise, was when I had another helping of the apple cobbler after 9pm. I let my brain go into never-never land and serve up a big portion. A big portion is approximately 1 cup. That's big for me. So I ate and ate until I could feel my stomach start to get sick. Then I took another bite. Ugh. Then another. Finally, I stopped because I didn't want to throw up. Is that my breaking point now? Keeping myself from throwing up? Hmmm.

Thing is, as I was eating all day, I never ate to fullness. Only snacked on things. A bite here, a nibble there. Not that that was good or better. No! I was just stuffing feelings with little bits of food. What I should've done was go for a walk or something, but then that would've meant I had to get out of my warm jammies. I know I would've felt better, but I just didn't want to do it. I can't even say what I was feeling other than boredom or loneliness. Is that enough of a reason to eat? I need to stay away from those feelings, that's for sure.

Oh and before I forget: I took a lot of little naps yesterday. I'm trying to figure out what food makes me so sleepy. Is it the sugar? The carbs? I don't know, but whatever it is, it makes me so sleepy that I can't help but fall asleep. I must've taken 4 or 5 little (30 minute) naps during the day. Is this a form of dumping? I will ask the surgeon on my visit on January 12.

So here we are, 24 hours later and I'm much better. I'm working on my morning coffee and I'm not even hungry yet. No desire to snack today. Except for blogging about food, I'm not even thinking about it. Of course, I'm at work and that helps, but still.

I'm not scared that the one day of mindless eating will become a habit. No, I know better than that. I know my resources and my support. If I find myself slipping more than a day, I will call in the troops.

Here's what's bugging me

2009-12-22T15:43:00.000-08:00

Wait, before we get to what's bugging me, let's get the weight thing off the list: 214.4 as of yesterday. That's a good thing. Yes, I know it wasn't trash day, but I felt different so I weighed myself.

Ok, so here's the THING. Big big white elephant in the room. My room. I don't believe in Christmas. Well, wait, only the pagan part of Christmas. I don't believe in Jesus, Mary or Joseph, Muhammad or any other religious icon. I just don't believe. There, I said it. I am agnostic. I believe there is something out there that helps guide the universe, but not a religious person/icon/whatever. I can't put my faith in something that I really honestly don't believe in. OMG the roof did not cave in when I said that.

When I hear the religious Christmas songs, I cannot sing along. Years ago, my favorite song was O Holy Night and that was only because my Dad used to sing it or better yet, whistle to it and that made me feel good inside. Not the words or the meaning of the song, but my Dad doing what he did.

It's hard for me to say I don't believe in Jesus because there are some people that will say, "I'll pray for you." Please don't. Will that "save" me? Will that keep me from going to "hell"?? I don't think so. I believe that living a full, honest life will get you good karma in the next life. That when I die, I want to be able to feel that I've done a good job with the life and the body that I've been given, and if I haven't, then I guess I'll have to come back and do it over again.

I'm not such a non-believer that I think your religion is bogus. Nope. If you believe with your whole heart that what your church is teaching you, then I'm happy for you. Really. It's just not for me.

It's so free-ing to be able to say that I don't believe in God, and the thing is, if you do and you feel badly for me, so be it. We can still coexist with religious differences. I only wish the world could have the same understanding and just live together instead of fighting wars over who's God is the highest trump card.

All that being said, it makes me feel good inside. Like I've let go of a bad habit. Like if I was a smoker or drinker and I no longer smoke or drink. It doesn't have a hold on me any longer. Like I'm no longer tied to food as a crutch, I don't need religion the same way. I feel FREE!

This does tie back in to the food issue. I've had to let go of some pretty awesome habits, and now I've had the courage to let this one go, too. Love it. Like I don't have to have religion to be a whole person. I don't need all that food as comfort when I can comfort myself without it. Same with religion.

So on to Christmas we go. I'll sing about Frosty and Rudolph and you can sing about Jesus or your God or whomever you pray to. Just enjoy the holiday as a time to be with family and eat some fudge.

Size Does Matter

2009-12-10T15:55:00.001-08:00

Today is Thursday. That means yesterday was trash day. I weighed in at 215. OMG, do you know how long it's been since I've weighed 215? No? Me, neither.

And guess what I did today? I got my fanny into a SIZE 18 JEANS!! Yes, they are a little bit snug, but they fit and they look good. When I look in the mirror, I can't believe that my hips shrunk enough to squeeze into regular jeans. I've been wearing elastic-waist pants for so long, it's almost weird to have button and zipper pants again.

So what did this new pants size do to my brain? Amazing things. I feel "normal". I feel like, and I CAN, fit into anything in my drawers and closet. You know how it is, you have clothes of different sizes in your closet for when you gain a few pounds or lose a few. I know. I've been there.

My weight hovered around 221 for so long that I thought I was going to stay there. I was feeling a bit discouraged, but not overly so. I mean after losing over 50 lbs so quickly after surgery, it is disappointing to stay at a certain weight for about a month. Ugh.

I didn't know what to do to make the weight start coming off again, so I went to the message boards at thinnertimes.com and read what the other people did when it happened to them. They did anything from going back to basics (very small, soft foods, frequent meals) to increasing exercise to eating more to stimulate the body. I honestly tried a few days of each to see what I felt comfortable doing and then, probaby coincidentally, my weight started dropping again. Whatever it was that stimulated the weight loss, great!

I know size 18 is not model size, but I feel like a model today. I feel so ALIVE today. Is it because of the 18 moment? Maybe. Maybe it's all about being 215. I don't know. All I know is SIZE DOES MATTER today and I feel great.

If you want to see the BEFORE pictures, click HERE.

Incredulous!

2009-12-02T17:27:00.000-08:00

Today is trash day. The day I get to weigh. I got on the scale and my jaw dropped. I got off the scale and then back on "just in case" the scale goofed the weight the first time. I weigh 217!

I was stuck in the 221-224 range for a couple of months and I was getting tired of it. Plateaus are no fun and tries my patience. So what changed?

Me. There must've been some life lesson that was keeping me in that weight range and as soon as I acknowledged "I don't know what lesson I need to learn or what is keeping me here, but I acknowledge you and want to move on" it, then the weight dropped off. Four pounds of it.

I'm so happy today. I want to remember this feeling. I will remember this feeling when the next plateau hits and remind myself that the feeling will be back.

For now, I'm off to buy some new shoes (nice reward, right?) and will exercise my tushie off on the bike tonight.

TTFN!

Trash Day update

2009-11-25T12:42:00.000-08:00

Down to 220.4 today.

I'm feeling better about myself these days. Feeling like I'm on the downward weight journey again. My body was holding on to something, but I don't know what. Never really did figure it out. Lots of speculation, but nothing hit me like the AHA moment, you know? I guess I just needed to feel those feelings and now I can move on. Not sure, but at least my outlook is better.

I went to the Acupunctist/Massage Therapist yesterday for my frozen right shoulder, and he told me I looked SKINNY! Wow, I haven't heard that in ages! That helped boost my mood even more. I felt so good after that and my shoulder is getting better, too.

I've decided to go back to basics. That means eat when I'm only really hungry. (I've been eating by the clock instead of hunger these days.) Drink lots of fluids. (I'm terrible about drinking any types of fluids. I'm always in a state of dehydration.) Get more exercise. I've been riding the bike albeit occasionally, but I've been riding it. Need to get back in touch with my stomach and my physical body feelings instead of being in my head all the time. Just like right after surgery. No choice but to pay attention to the physical because it has changed so much.

Having a great day. Going grocery shopping now and then I'm off work until Monday. I plan on taking advantage of the beautiful, warm weather and being outside a lot. No shopping for me.

Who invited HER?!

2009-11-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling fat. Very fat. Embarrassed. Don't want to be seen. Want to hide behind my clothes again.
Why? I don't know. I've thought and thought but can't figure out what the deal is.

I weighed myself last week and I was down to 221. OMG, yes, 221, but instead of feeling terrific about that, I felt shame. Hell, I weighed two hundred and twenty one pounds! That's a lot! I should weigh much, much less than that! My brain didn't think, "but you used to weigh 290 pounds and 221 pounds is a helluva lot less than that", but no, Ms. Negative got in there first and said, "you suck".

Where the hell did she come from? I was sailing along just fine without her. I was feeling great dressing all girly-girl and feeling like I was a woman again, and then she showed up. Who invited her to the party?? She is a major downer on my parade and I want her gone! Thing is, she's not making any moves to leave just yet. Hmmm. How do I get her out of here??

What is it about that number on the scale that made her come back? Did I have major issues when I weighed 221 before? I believe our bodies store feelings and memories in our fat and muscles and when we get to a certain weight, pull a certain muscle or hurt ourselves in a certain area, those feelings or memories come back to the surface. Yeah, that's all touchy-feely, but I believe that. So, given those facts, what is it about this size body at 221 pounds, am I holding on to?

Let's see... when was the last time I weighed 221? Probably about 23 years ago. I lost a bunch of weight before John and I got married. How much did I start out weighing? OMG about 220 pounds! I got down to 170 on our wedding day. Right after we got married, I started to pig out. Oh baby, did I pig out! I was up to 200 pounds in like 3 months. No shit. I remember staying there for a short time and then the weight just crept up and up and up.

So what is it then? Is the 220 a breaking point of some type? Is it a memory of "holy shit you are fat and you'd better lose weight if you want to make John want/love you". Whoa. Want/love? Is that it? Am I afraid to go forward and lose weight because that means acceptance? Why would that be a deterrant? I don't feel that consciously. Not sure that's the reason. Is it a memory of leaving the past and moving on to something new? Hmm. Not sure about that, either.

There is some memory inside that is making me feel this way and I've got to get it out. It's dragging me down big time and I don't like it one bit. Time to call the therapist because this is beyond me. I really am struggling with this and I can't seem to get it out of my head.

Why do I push that envelope??

2009-11-04T13:43:00.000-08:00

To weigh myself and I'm 223 today, trash day.

I'm happy to have lost weight consistently, but I'm also disappointed that it isn't coming off more quickly. I've tried writing down everything I eat and drink and make sure to count up the proteins and calories. From that, I've determined I'm eating right around 1,000 calories a day but only 20-25 grams of protein, max. That is not enough protein. Maybe my body needs more protein to do whatever it does to metabolize fat? I've never really understood the whole "eat this and this and this if you want to make it turn into a fat burner" thing. I really just don't care. I just want someone to say, "Don't eat this, or eat this and you will lose weight".

I need guidelines. Big ones. Give me an inch and I take the mile, you know? "Ok, so you can eat a little bit of sugar." Ha! I eat a little, and the next thing you know, I've eaten the whole sugary thing, you know? I know myself. I know that I will ignore the little voice in my head that says "enough already" and will just continue eating or drinking. I am an addict. A food addict and a sugar addict. I don't believe that will ever change, but I can do something about it.

I can learn to choose the right things to eat. In moderation. I can also choose to eat more of something if that's what I need. Like protein. I have to make myself take my pills every day. I hate taking pills and I conveniently forget to take them. Bad, very bad. I have been "forgetting" to eat enough protein and to take my multivitamins and calcium every day. My hair is falling out. Not in bunches, but every day, all day, I find many, many hairs in the sink and on the desk. I am saddened by this because it is my doing, but do I remember to take my pills and eat the protein? No. Why is that? Do I not care enough about myself or am I really still the same person I was when I was 290 lbs and just waited for the other shoe to drop: the heart attack, diabetes, hypertension. Why must I always push the envelope?

Do I think it makes people pay more attention to me? Am I looking for attention? We all want a certain amount of attention in our lives. Not just for accolades for losing weight, but for positive reinforcement that we are liked/loved. "You look great today. I love your sweater." "Great job on the XYZ project." "Thanks for cooking such a nice dinner." (Yeah, like that last one would ever happen.) I don't know why I push the envelope all the time. I do it with everything, come to think of it. Relationships, taxes, projects at work, design team projects. I do not like the fact that I'm always finishing things at the last minute, so why do I do it? Any ideas? I'm going to bring this up at the monthly group therapy on Thursday. Maybe those women can tell me why I do what I do.

Well, it wasn't my intent to get that far into my psyche today, but I did. I needed to, I guess. I've been hiding out long enough. Time to pay the piper.

November already?

2009-11-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

Geez, November already? Where does the time go? Unless you're in grade school, time is just flying by.

So here's my breakfast from this morning. Steel-cut oats, leftover pumpkin smoothie from last night, a big spoonful of plain Greek yogurt and some sweetened coconut. It was so goooood! I really wanted some dried cranberries, but we were out. Better make sure they're on the list for Wednesday's shopping. I think I will have this for breakfast tomorrow, too.

It's been an interesting week. I've gone to my first knitting class and learned how to do the basics of making a beanie cap. Next Saturday is the second, and last class, and we learn about decreasing and finishing off the class. I am loving knitting. It gives me time to zone out and get in touch with the voice(s) in my head.

I am really ready for winter. I'm ready for the weather to be cold and hopefully, wet. We really need rain this year. We've been fortunate enough down here in So Cal so far in not having huge wildfires. I hope we get through the year without having any. I'm ready for sweater weather. It's so weird. I was NEVER a sweater person because between all the fat insulation I had and my hormones raging, I was never cold, but now after losing over 50 lbs since July, I'm cold all the time. I wear sweats at home every night after work. It's so strange to me. My friend, who had gastric bypass 7 years ago, says it never gets better. I'll always be cold. That sucks, but then it could be a lot worse, right?

Speaking of weight loss, I'm doing pretty good. I'm down to 223. Wow. In just for pounds I'll be in the teens. The weight is coming off slower these days, but I'm ok with that. I'm just happy I'm still losing.

Hope you had a nice Halloween. We had less than 50 trick-or-treaters this year. I guess I'll have to take the rest of the candy to work to get rid of it. Oh, get this: As I was buying candy, I found Tootsie Roll Pops in a big bag and they were miniature size. Like DumDum size or smaller. Only 9 grams of sugar in 3 pops, which is one serving. How cool is that? I've stocked up with a couple of bags to have for the next many, many months. I don't eat sweets that often, hardly at all now, but if there is something low in sugar, I don't mind splurging once in a while.

That's it for today.

In a moment of clarity

2009-10-22T10:11:00.001-07:00

Goober says: "What? I'm not supposed to be up here??"

I may be on to something here.

My last post showed my weight loss. About 6 lbs in the last month, right? After my visit with the surgeon and asking him about my weight loss slowing down, I started to think a bit, especiall since he said my weight should still be coming off about 10 lbs a month now.

So I started thinking, "what has changed? What have I done that's different?" Well, my food choices have changed. Since I've been able to eat a little more at a sitting I've been making new food choices. I've actually branched out into the artificial sweetener arena. I never went there before because nutrasweet is NOT my friend. Gives me migraines. So, I choose foods and drinks with Splenda. I've been eating more quantity-wise and drinking more drinks sweetened with Splenda. Hmmm. I'm beginning to think that the reports may be right. Those reports, which I'm too lazy to look up and link, say that just because a food/drink is sweetened with artificial sweeteners doesn't make it healthy. Those reports also said that too many artificial sweeteners can make you fat.

Armed with that information, I am going to cut out the artificial sweeteners now and see what happens in the next month. I'll give up my 10 calorie waters and my diet cinnamon-flavored oatmeal amongst other foods and see if the weight doesn't come off easier. I'll add in my smoothies and juices occasionally since I've slacked off in that area.

Another thought: In the past month or so, I've noticed my thinking is clouded. It's harder for me to keep two thoughts together sometimes. Hard to concentrate. Think it's the sweeteners? I don't know. Maybe I'm just losing my mind, but it's interesting to think about. I'm very sensitive to medication doses, so maybe I'm uber sensitive to sweeteners, too.

I'll do some changing and report back on this in a month.

Crossing Over

2009-10-20T16:49:00.001-07:00

No, I am not dying.

I feel like I'm at a cross-over point. Like I am finally leaving the obese Debbie behind and moving towards the slimmer Debbie. It's weird how just a number, my weight, makes such a difference in how I see myself. Here are my weights from the last month:

09/16/09 232.0

09/26/09 229.4

10/11/09 228.0

10/20/09 225.8

My body is changing and I'm now realizing that my brain is a little behind. Until today, I felt like I had the same mentality of the Debbie of pre-surgery. Like I still "thought" of things as I did before, but today, TODAY, feels different. Maybe it's because the scale said 225. Only 26 lbs until I get to One-derland, you know that? I haven't been there in 22 years! That's a long time to be over 200 lbs.

I'm feeling like I'm a "normal" person. I can shop in regular stores now. Old Navy is my friend. They carry my sizes: 20 in pants and 18 (or XL!) in tops and dresses. I am so thrilled with that. No more fat lady stores! I can wear cute, stylish clothes now. I am going a bit crazy with the shopping, though. It's so much fun that I have to stop myself from buying a whole new wardrobe at this size, so I buy a some tops and some pants and hope that will get me through this weight for awhile.

I had my 3-month appointment with the surgeon today. We talked about the diarrhea which most likely is a lactose intolerance thing. Maybe hidden milk products in foods I'm eating. Ok, I can deal with that. He asked about my iron levels and if I'm taking my multivits and yes, I remember to take them occasionally. I also forget to take the daily B1 and the weekly B12. I'm just terrible at taking pills. I can remember the morning pills because I take them when I brush my teeth, but the ones later in the day, not so much. Maybe I'll take the vitamins after I brush my teeth at night. Maybe that's a good reminder. I swear, I can be so juvenile sometimes.

Along the thought of iron, he asked about menopause and periods and since I haven't had a period since 1988, I'm good there, but I said I thought my iron was ok since I passed the finger prick test when I gave blood. He says, "You gave blood?!" Um, oops. He said it is very difficult for gastric bypass patients to keep their iron levels up to normal and when you give blood, it depletes the iron or severely lowers it and it is very difficult to build up the iron levels again. Oh crap! I had no idea. He says find another way to help out. Ok, doc, I'll do that. Sorry, but why wasn't I told this before? Maybe they told us and I forgot, but still...

So mentally, how am I doing? Ok. Just ok. I've taken a break from interacting with psychological things to get my into my head and hear myself. Feel myself. Not literally, but inside me. I'm really trying to get in touch with ME. How food makes me feel, why I feel the way I am feeling at that very moment. I've been so out of touch for so long, I really need this. I think I am about done with being by myself because I'm missing the friends I've cut out for this little while. I didn't cut them out because they were bad, it's because they were part of my past and I needed to just be current. Does that make sense? I adore my friends and couldn't live without them, but I needed a mental break. I know they understand and I'm now ready to join the world again.

What a journey this has been so far. I so needed this. I feel like I'm starting a new life and it is wonderful!!

Can You Hear Me Now?!

2009-10-11T15:50:00.000-07:00

I feel like my stomach and my brain are at war and no one is listening to the other one.

I've had some really good weeks, but these past two or three have been a semi-hell. All of a sudden I found I could eat a little more at a sitting and that has made brain happy. Closer to eating like the old days, only not so much and not as junky eating, just more quantity. Then stomach decides that isn't such a good idea and it rebels.

So I've had this thing now for the 2-3 weeks of stomach pain, the over-full feeling with food backed up into my esophagus and mild discontent (brain). The stomach knows it has more acreage and just doesn't want to share with brain. So how do I get bossy brain to back off and give me some peace?

I've decided to go back to basics. Less foods, blander foods and eat more often instead of the 4 hour schedule I was on. That seems to be working. Somewhat. Brain still wants more food. Brain even thinks it can eat sugar, but stomach says NO! Stomach says, well, I'll let you eat sugar, but I won't actually give you a big sugar dump in the sense of hurting and incapacitating you. No, I'll just make you tired as hell. Make you want to sleep like RIGHT NOW! Let me tell you, this plan does not work.

I don't like this war. Who would? I have to work out a plan to make brain and stomach work peaceably together. I need a mediator. Need to get back to counseling more often. Need to listen to stomach more than brain. Who says the brain is the smartest anyways? Certainly not stomach.

I think part of this semi-hell I'm in is because I'm not talking to anyone about it. Not sharing how I feel. Getting feedback. I don't tell people that I feel crappy, that I have food backed up into my esophagus and it hurts like hell. Who wants to hear a complainer especially when they really can't do anything about it? I don't want to be a complainer so I keep it to myself.

I have an appt with the surgeon next week, and I will talk to him about this for sure. Just when I thought things were going along so smoothly, this happens. So weird. Maybe it's normal at this stage in the game, I don't know. I'll find out.

On a more positive note, I'm down to 228 and I'm in smaller clothes again. Yay. I'm down to a 20 in pants and an 18 in the top. I just got another couple of bags of clothes from Johanna and I can fit into almost everything she gave me. I know those clothes were too big for her because yowza, you should've seen her in her smaller black leather pants and bustier last night. Oooh-la-la! She says the bustier is coming my way soon. Holy moley! I hope it looks as good on me as it did on her.

Going to feed stomach now and make brain take a time out.

How do you see yourself?

2009-10-05T10:08:00.001-07:00

I don't mean, "I see myself as a loving, giving person". I mean, "I see myself as a fit, but overweight person". I'm talking in the physical sense of seeing.

When I was more overweight than I am now, I would look in the mirror and yes, I'd see myself - all my rolls and wideness (is that a word?) and puffiness. Yes, I'd see the physical part, but I still felt like a thin person. Oh, I knew wearing a size 24 dress was for obese women, yet I still felt thinner in my mind. Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

I'm not saying I was in denial about who large I was/am, but rather I felt/feel like a thin person inside. I know there's a thin woman in there somewhere! I look back at pictures of me taken in social situations and now I am amazed/apalled. How could I let myself get so large? I didn't feel so large when I was there. I mean, ok, 290 is LARGE, but I didn't feel so LARGE all the time. In my mind, I was overweight, but not LARGE - until I saw the pictures.

Could it be that I had unconsciously edited my physical being from myself? Is that denial or was it a way to cope? In group therapy, one of our assignments was to look at ourselves naked in the mirror. Really look at ourselves. There were those in the group that could not look at themselves at the beginning but eventually, they did. They may not have liked what they saw, but they LOOKED. That's my point. I think. We LOOK, not just see and move on.

So now at 230 lbs, do I look different naked? Of course I do. I'm 60 lbs lighter! Do I like how I look? Well, it's getting better. My stomach is definitely smaller and my butt is smaller. Clothes sizes are smaller. Today I feel pretty terrific. I have clothes on that fit and look nice on my body. Do I like what I see? Yes. BUT.

BUT I am still a large person by society and health standards. Yes, I still have thunder thighs, yes I still have a poochy stomach (who wouldn't at 230 lbs?), yes, my arms are flappy (ewww), but I feel great. I just cannot get complacent with this feeling. Why? Because I was complacent at 290, too.

I need to stay deeply in touch with the physical part of my body. I need to be aware of how my body is changing. I WANT to be more fit and healthy, so I need to not get comfortable with how I am right now. I struggle with this all this time, I hope this isn't as confusing to you as it is to me.

I am comfortable in my own skin, yes. I am comfortable sunbathing in the nude. I don't think that is so much about showing a body as it is being comfortable who you are. We all have scars or rolls or fat or excess body hair. Whatever. It's what makes us US, it doesn't define us. It's just the body we were given.

I wish I could define what I'm trying to say. I wish I had a word for it, but I don't. This is such a mental game. I don't stress over it, I just try to accept it. Anyone who says gastric bypass is the easy way out to lose weight should have their head examined. Literally.

It's the little things

2009-09-30T11:02:00.001-07:00

This is the second post of the day. I guess I have a lot to say today.

This past weekend, we went to the hubby's company picnic. We took John's truck. It's a big F-150 with big comfy leather seats. I keep my purse between my feet on the floor and I found I needed something from my purse. Without thinking, I bent down and picked up my purse. So what you say? Yeah, me too, until I realized that I did it effortlessly. I didn't have to unbuckle the seatbelt or maneuver the purse with my feet until I could raise it up so I could reach it. I just reached down and got it. Wow. That's a biggee for me. I was too big before to reach over my belly to get anything from the floor. Yay for that one.

The other thing I found out that same day: I was sitting in my folding chair, you know the kind: the canvas ones with the sling backs? I usually dread those chairs because I'm always afraid I'm going to break it when I sit in it because I'm so heavy. So there I was, sitting in that chair. I was reading a book and I crossed my legs. I don't mean crossed them at the ankles, I crossed them at the knee - one leg over the other. Holy shit, Batman! I was amazed! I was thrilled! I mentioned this to John and he did the nice husband supportive thing, but I don't know that he really understood how happy that made me. That is a biggee!

I really do need to blog these things because I will forget them later on. Baby steps, you know? Kind of like when you have kids and your kid does something really cute and you think you'll always remember that thing, but you don't. You have to write it down. In detail. I'm sure my details probably bore you sometimes (all the time?) but hey, this is my blog/journal. I'm just glad you're here reading and being there for me.

Trash Day

2009-09-30T08:59:00.001-07:00

It's trash day and I'm "allowed" to get on the scale. I say "allowed" because the NP told me that I was weighing myself too much and relying on the numbers as opposed to how I felt. I was allowing the numbers to dictate how I was eating. So today, trash day, I weighed myself. I was 230.2 today. No, I wasn't upset that I was up a pound from last week. It's just a pound. I'm not freaking out.

Here's what I've noticed in the last week, though. My body is getting smaller. I am losing inches. Noticeably. The thing is, I'm getting flabby. I don't know that I've ever been flabby. Overweight, yes, flabby, no. I can grab a handful of fat now (around my waistline) and it jiggles. When I was heavier, it was just solid fat, not jiggly fat. Do you know what I'm talking about? Jiggly, people! I do not care for jiggly!!

I have the bat wings. I never wanted those. Who does? I have jiggly tummy and jiggly thighs. Oh, don't even get me started on my thighs. I'm very upset about those. I LOVE wearing shorts year-round and I do not want to stop wearing them because my thighs are jiggly. Oh, and I've got chicken neck now. Yikes! Crepey, wrinkly skin on my neck. Ack! Is that age or is is rapid weight loss? I don't know, but I don't like it.

So, the answer? It's right there in front of my nose - I need to work out. And hard. I need to start toning those muscles so that the flabby parts go away. I need to start burning more fat and building more muscle. I have a gym membership so why don't I use it? I WILL use it. I've been lazy about going to the gym. Would rather just go home and knit than work out, but the harsh reality is that I have jiggly fat and I want that gone more than knitting.

And those of you who are wondering what all that looks like naked, forget about it. You know who you are. I'm not taking pics.

I learned something

2009-09-29T11:28:00.001-07:00

A lot, if not all, gastric bypass patients are put on medication for excess stomach acid after surgery. The stomach continues to produce lots of stomach acid even though there is only a small stomach to protect, therefore, excess stomach acid. After my go-round in the ER for dehydration and stomach pain, I talked to the Nurse Practitioner in the surgeon's office and she told me that I probably needed more antacid medication. She doubled my dose and I've been fine ever since. Almost.

Once in awhile, I get in a rush in the mornings and I forget to take my meds, including the probiotics/antacids. I've noticed those days, I feel more "hungry". I find I'm feeding that "hunger" and it's not hunger at all. It's the stomach acid grumbling around in there. If I look/feel beyond the "hunger" I realize I'm not hungry at all, that I've just eaten and I couldn't possibly be hungry. The old tapes in my head would say that the stomach feels hungry, so eat! Ah, but it's not hunger at all.

I need to be more diligent about taking my stomach pills. I feel more even food-wise when I do. I also don't want to slip into those bad habits about eating all the time, either.

This surgery is not just a physical adjustment, it really is a mental one, too. A BIG mental adjustment. I think if I don't pay attention to the little things along the way, that I'd fall right back into the old habits and my surgery would be unsuccessful. What a shame that would be. My surgery cost the insurance company over $70,000 and I sure wouldn't want that money wasted. I'm sure they wouldn't want it wasted, either.

So I continue with the daily check-in's to my brain and my stomach and I continue with group therapy. It's the only way I can figure to make this a success.

Picture updates coming soon. Oh, and tomorrow is trash day.

Brain vs Stomach

2009-09-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

Things are changing, yes they are.

I'm finding that I'm becoming more and more comfortable with my food. I'm more comfortable with eating less, even though I fill my plate like I did before. I'm ok with the reality that I cannot eat the whole plate of food. I stop when I'm almost full and I'm ok with that, too. I'm not eating to satisfy my brain, I'm satisfying my stomach now. It's a weird change, but a good one.

I've been eating what I call mainstream food. I'm not worried about eating only protein or veggies, no carbs, etc. I'm just eating what I want. Really, I don't eat that much, so why stress about eating "clean". By "clean" I mean that I would eat a basic protein, grilled chicken, for example and then either a salad or a veggie. No sauces, no spices. I don't know why I got on that kick, but I did. I would eat most of my meals that way and thought that's what I had to do to eat right. Where does my brain get that? I don't know. I thought that if I restricted my food in that way that I would lose weight. I'm finding I put so many unrealistic restrictions on myself that there is no way I could possibly live like that. I set myself up to fail. Why?

Hard to get rid of all that old shit in my brain. In the past, in trying to lose weight, I'd try stuff like that. It's impossible to follow for a long time. Like the Atkins diet. Easy enough to follow for a week, but a lifetime? Hell no. Too restrictive. So why did I let my brain tell me that it was ok to eat like that after surgery? I don't know. I tell you, this surgery does a number on your head. So much of this has to do with how you think about your relationship with food, not just how much or what you eat. So now I eat what I want and I just stop when I'm almost full. It's working.

Oh, and I'm down to 229.4! I'm in the 220's and I can hardly believe it. I'm feeling like a normal person these days. I can wear smaller clothes and I feel like I can move better and I definitely feel better. Only 29 more pounds to reach my goal of under 200 by Christmas. I'm sure I can do it!

Coping - or not

2009-09-23T09:53:00.001-07:00

I guess I don't cope with frustration very well.

Yesterday was a good day at work, so no frustration there. Cindy and I went to the yarn store at lunch and I got new needles and yarn to make a vest. Cindy has been teaching me how to knit and I am loving it! She is a great teacher and a great inspiration. She thinks I will succumb to spinning my own yarn. Yeah right. We'll see about that.

So, once all the chores were done once I got home, I sat myself down and started knitting. I was just knitting to check for gauge, so nothing that stressful, right? Wrong. New metal circular needles, new yarn, struggling with the actual process. Dropping stitches, uneven rows, which way do I wrap the yarn? What the heck is going on?

This is food-related, so hang in there.

I tore out the first sample, and the second sample and the THIRD. I was becoming very frustrated. I gave up knitting for the evening (or so I thought) and headed upstairs to check out what was happening on Facebook, but before I went up there, I stopped in the kitchen for a little something sweet to eat. By this point, I knew I was giving in to the alternate food personality and was going to binge. I considered the apples in the bin, but no. Then I saw the low-sugar cookies in the baggie. Yes! Only 5 cookies left. I can eat those!

These cookies are a chocolate-filled cookie. Only 5 grams of sugar per cookie. I've had one here and there with no problems at all, and was satisfied with only one cookie, but did I only grab one cookie? Nope, I grabbed the whole bag and headed upstairs, fully aware of the fact that I was going to eat them all.

So why didn't I stop myself? I didn't want to. I wanted to drown my frustration in food, sugar to be exact. I deserved to binge because I was frustrated. That was my old pattern. Frustration = eat = sugar. It's kind of like I disconnected from reality when I made that decision. I knew it was a bad decision, but I let myself go for it anyways. "Hell, what's 5 grams of sugar times 5 cookies? Only 25 grams of sugar. Who cares if I dump? I'm going to bed anyways. I can just sleep it off." Those were some of the thoughts racing through my head.

So I sat at the desk eating cookies and after the third one, I started to feel sick. Not dumping sick, just sick. My stomach was over-full (I had been drinking iced tea) but I reached into the baggie and pulled out the fourth cookie and ate it. Now I'm really feeling sick and extremely sleepy all of a sudden. There was no way I was going to be able to physically handle the fifth cookie, so I went downstairs to go to bed.

As I'm getting ready for bed, I feel myself check back in to reality. My brain felt like it was disengaging from the alternate personality. I made myself check in with my body as well as my mind. I did not like what I felt. I really felt as if I'd let myself down. Why, oh why, did I let myself slip into that alter ego and do what I did? Because I'm human and bad habits are hard to break, that's why.

I didn't beat myself up. I just told myself that that was a very quick and real learning experience and went to bed. In the past (before gastric bypass surgery), once I came to my senses while on the frustration eating binge, I would have said, " fuck it, I've already messed up, why not just finish up the cookies?" Not this time. No more.

Not only is my body not physically able to handle the huge food load of a binge as before, but I'm finding that I'm connecting back from the binge personality quicker. Sometimes I'm able to stop it before it starts. The feeling of wanting to succeed after this surgery is stronger than anything I've ever felt for a long time. I do not want to ever weigh as much as I did before. Ever! I am learning to deal with the demons as they appear in my life without pushing them away with food binges. It's a slow process, but I am feeling really good about how I'm dealing with it.

I did knit a bit after I got in bed. I still made mistakes and got frustrated, but I was still so sick from the 4-cookie binge that it served as a reminder that food is not a substitute for coping. I just put down the needles and went to sleep.

I can see that knitting is quickly becoming my current obsession. Is that such a bad thing?

Clothes

2009-09-21T16:52:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling much thinner these days. Oh no, I don't feel SKINNY, but I am really feeling the weight loss now. I'm now in 18 tops and 20 or 22 bottoms. I feel like my clothes actually FIT now instead of me just wearing them. I've vowed no more baggy clothes! I'm not going to hide myself behind fabric anymore.

I spent the better part of Sunday cleaning out drawers and closets. I found I was holding on to some short-sleeved shirts for whatever reason so I took those off the hangers and put them in the recycle bag. I'm thinking I was saving them for over-shirts but hey, they're too big in the first place, why put on an even bigger shirt? Makes no sense. I bagged up 3 bags of clothes to pass along to my friend. That makes 9 or 10 big garbage bags of clothes already. Wow, only 2.5 months post-op (42 pounds lost) and I've got 10 bags of clothes to get rid of? Amazing!

I have a friend that has been on her own weight loss journey and she is graciously donating her larger clothes to me. How fantastic is that? She's a few sizes ahead of me, so it works great, plus, she shops and the most fun stores, so I'm getting some fun, trendy clothes.

Know what I realized when I was going through my clothes? At my heaviest, I had become a frump. I wore stretch pants and baggy tops to cover what I had become. No fun dresses, no fancy blouses. Boring colors and fabrics. Now that I've got my closet organized, guess what's in there? Dresses! Skirts! Fun blouses! Yes, I am a girly-girl. Always have been. So what happened when I got fat? Oh, the girly-girl was there, she was just hidden. I didn't feel too girly with all that extra weight. I am so excited to be able to wear dresses again. Jean skirts with fun short- or long-sleeved blouses, maybe with a sweater. Dresses with scarves and even some high heels. Oh yes, I do love me some shoes, too!

Oh and jewelry! I have a jewelry box full of fun stuff that I stopped wearing. Too much effort? Didn't feel pretty enough? No, I think I just didn't care enough about my appearance before to accessorize, but now, NOW! Back to those sparkly, garish pins I have. Get out those fun, dangly earrings! The rings that would make a drag queen weep!

Watch out, world, the diva is BACK!

It's Trash Day!

2009-09-16T08:37:00.001-07:00

Since I weighed on Monday, I wasn't going to weigh today, but hey, it's trash day, so whatever. I weighed and I'm down to 232.2!! Can I get a HELL YEAH!?

I think I need to update my progressive pictures. I wonder if I'll look any different? I'm thinking, YES! I feel so much better now, how could I not look thinner? LOL Today, I'm wearing a very fitted dress. Yes, I still have a stomach, but I feel sexy. Thank goodness for Spanx, ya know? heehee

As I'm sitting here and I look down my body, I can tell that a hell of a lot of my stomach fat is gone. I can sit closer to the desk now. I don't have to lean back to sit in my chair and fit at my desk. When I walk and look down my body, all I see are boobs now. I used to see my stomach stick out farther than the boobs. Baaaad. I may never have a flat stomach, but at least I won't look pregnant, either.

Food is not my friend today

2009-09-15T16:03:00.001-07:00

Nor was it yesterday or the day before that.

Oh, I'm eating, it's just that it seems whatever I'm eating makes me feel too full or bloated. Not a good feeling either way. I just had about 6 almonds for a snack. I chewed them each until they were the consistency of baby cereal and still my stomach hurts. I've had almonds before, so it's not a nut issue.

I brought an egg and bacon burrito for breakfast today. I didn't eat it until lunch because one of the ladies brought in zucchini bread for the morning meeting. I had one thin slice of that with a little cream cheese and I was ok. For a while. Then the grouchy stomach kicked in. Straight to the bathroom I went. Ugh.

For lunch, I heated about 1/3 of the burrito and ate some of the egg and bacon part before my stomach did flip-flops. The flour tortilla tends to stick in my stomach too long so I avoid it. The egg and bacon was not a good food choice, either.

So now here I sit with water. Just water. I need to keep hydrated because this is the pattern I got into before with the dehydration and the hospital visit. The icky, sometimes semi-painful stomach makes me not want to eat or drink and so it goes.

I can really tell the size of my stomach now. Even though I can eat more than I could a month ago, it's still small. Very small. I am reminded of that fact every time I eat one bite too many. Oh the pain! My stomach feels tight and it feels like the food is still in my esophagus waiting to enter the stomach sometimes. Ouch. I really have to stay connected to my food intake or I end up this way.

I do like the check and balance, however. I mean, how effective would it be if I had the surgery and then nothing changed? What if I could still eat all and everything I wanted? Dumb. This is a physical reminder that I cannot, and will not, eat as I did before. I'm taking this challenge one day at a time. That's all I can do.

I really, really need to go shopping. There are no viable vegetables or fruit in the house. I have to scrounge for dinner items and snacks. I think I will hit the grocery store before heading home tonight or I'll just be repeating today again tomorrow.

Thanks for listening to my woes. This is such a learning process for me.

Much needed update

2009-09-14T09:57:00.001-07:00

I need to post more often. Not that there's that much to say, but because it keeps me honest.

I'm finding that I'm slipping into the old habits. I'm drinking fluids when I'm eating. That's a big no-no. Need to fill that pouch with good food and let it sit in there and have the nutrients absorb. Will stay fuller longer. If I drink when I eat, then the pouch fills with food and water and leaves the pouch faster. That means I get hungry more often and not enough nutrients are absorbed.

I'm also eating more carbs than I want to. No, I'm not eating sweets or refined carbs so much, but I'm eating breads and crackers. Granted, I'm only eating one piece of bread at a sitting or maybe 8 crackers, but still. I told myself I wasn't going to eat that so soon after surgery. My body doesn't seem to have a problem with it. That's good and bad. Sometimes I crave a piece of toast, so I eat it. I feel I'm being smart about eating breads, but I'm down on myself for eating them like I have been – more than one serving in a day.

I have no idea how many calories I eat in a day because I don't count calories. One day I wrote down everything I ate and it was well under 1000 calories for the entire day. Yay me. I'm eating my protein and not snacking. I do need to get back into eating more veggies since I'm not juicing or making smoothies like I was before.

I've really just started eating normal everyday food. I don't spaz out because the hotdog came on a bun or that I ate 2 bites of the bun. Not worried so much about the salad dressing having too much sugar in it because I never, ever eat the whole salad anyways. I just can't eat that much yet. I've been trying very hard to keep the sugar content less than 5 grams per serving. That keeps me on track because sugar IS my crack. I know it's my drug and I need to stay away from it as much as possible.

On the up side, I've lost 5 lbs in the past 10 days. That's very cool. I would weigh myself on non-trash days and found I was between 238 and 240 most of the time. Right before we left for vacation on the 4th, I weighed myself and it said 240. The scale this morning said 235.7. Wow, 5 more pounds and I'll be out of the 230's already.

Two things that bother me right now are:

I'm disconnecting when I eat. I'm not paying attention to the food and how much I'm eating when I eat. I'm busy talking or doing the forbidden "multitasking". I need to stay connected to the food so I don't overeat and get that sudden "OMG I've eaten way too much and now the food bomb in my pouch is going to explode!" feeling.
Diarrhea. Maybe not so much it's diarrhea, but loose stools. I know this is probably TMI, but I've got to report it to me and the doctor. I've had it since surgery and that's over 2 months now. Will I always have loose stools? Is it healthy? Is it ok, even?

I've set a goal and I hope it's not too grandiose. I'd like to be under 200 by Christmas. That's 35 lbs in 102 days. I'm going to start exercising regularly now. Up until now, it's been just walking whenever I could, but now I'll get back to the gym and take those water aerobics classes. That's a start. I'll also get on the recumbent bike at home and use that for a little more calorie burning. I heard this morning at work that the gals want to walk at lunch time. I'll add that in a few days a week if I feel like it. I won't add too many changes at one time because then I'll feel overwhelmed and I'll just chuck the whole shebang.

Baby steps, right?

Time will tell

2009-09-02T21:27:00.000-07:00

Having food issues, but don't want to think about it.

About 10 days ago, my stomach changed. It is now able to hold more food at a sitting. That is good and bad. As much as I disliked my small pouch of a stomach, it kept me "honest" by eating small, frequent healthy meals. Now that my stomach can hold more with one meal, I'm eating less meals but a little more in each meal. I know that's redundant, but I need to say it to myself in more ways than one so that I "get it".

I'm finding that I overeat now and my pouch gets unhappy. Very unhappy. It's like learning to eat all over again, just like when I got the new pouch. I've got notes all over the place reminding me to eat slowly, chew thoroughly and not multitask while eating. If I do something while eating, watch tv, read, paperwork, I find that I either didn't chew well enough and therefore make the food feel all lumpy in my stomach or I eat way too much. I end up going past the near-full point and then my tummy hurts for hours.

I am happy that I don't have to eat as often, but I'm finding that I am not willing to give up those frequent meals. I feel well eating those frequent meals. Ok, so who says I have to give them up? Whose rule is that? If I only eat when I'm hungry, who's to say it's only three times a day as opposed to five? Wow. If it's only three times a day, then fine. I'm talking to myself now. Trying to sort this out.

I'm also finding that I'm able to eat more bready things. Um, uh-oh. My downfall. I'm ok eating a few crackers with my tuna or a piece of toast to fill me up before bedtime, or a plain biscotti with my evening tea. On and on and on. When did I tell myself that was ok? Those are not good calories, Debbie. That's temporary fullness and not very nutritional.

Today's food choices were actually ok. I had instant oatmeal with a little agave nectar for breakfast. For some reason, I dumped badly after that meal. Had to lie down for nearly an hour today. Not good. I've had the agave nectar before with no dumping, but maybe it was the combo that cause the dump, I don't know. Then I had sashimi for lunch. I did overeat a little and my tummy was very full, almost to hurting, for hours. I love that when it's full of protein like that that it doesn't get hungry for many hours. That's awesome. Dinner was chicken parmesan and I only ate a half-portion.

Two hours later, I had the biscotti and tea. Not physically hungry for the snack, just bored. Bad. It's the only snack I had today and looking back at what I ate, I couldn't have eaten more than 1000 calories for the day. I don't count calories because I usually eat very healthy. I'm hoping this craving/wanting of bread will end soon. I think it will. I am very aware that I'm eating it for the simple pleasure of eating it and that's an easy fix for me. At least I know why I'm eating eat, right? It will end soon. It's just something new.

I have so far still avoided rice and all sugary foods. I do not intend to start on cakes, cookies or candies. Not even one bite. I'm hoping that if I stay away from it completely, I won't have cravings later. I don't crave sugar now, so that's good. I just don't want to get the drug, the sugar, into my system and have to detox again. It will be harder to give it up later on as opposed to when I had surgery and had no choice.

The scale today, trash day (!), says 238, so I'm holding steady right around that weight. I'm not freaking out like when I held at 250 or two weeks. My body is changing physically, so I know it's just changing and the weight will start dropping again soon. I am going to up my physical activity with hope that that will lessen the time I'm at a plateau.

All in all, I'm a happy camper. Not very many problems at all. I am a bit tired since I've gone back to work full-time, but I expected that.

Flying back to PA for my niece's wedding this weekend. I'll update if anything earthshattering happens. I think I'll skip the wedding cake.

Almost Ready

2009-08-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

Geez, I haven't posted for over a week. What's up with that? I guess nothing, since not much has happened in the past week EXCEPT A LITTLE WEIGHT LOSS! :)

Weight is going down slowly but steadily. I'm very happy about that. See the graph up there? Slowly but surely the green line and the blue dots are coming together. Freakin' awesome! I can't believe I'm in the 230's already. I mean, I wanted to be in the 230's by the time we left for PA (Sept. 4th) but had no idea I would actually be there. Amazing. You know what one of the things I'm most looking forward to in our trip? Not having to use the seat belt extender on the airplane. I'm also hoping that I won't be intruding on the neighboring seat, either. These are the little things that fat people have to deal with that think people have no idea about.

Along the food line, I'm doing fine with what I'm eating. I can eat just about anything now. I've eaten a hotdog bun with no blockage or dumping. I've had bbq sauce and no problems. I'm always aware of the sugar content of things, so if I want to eat that thing with more sugar than I allow myself (5-8 grams per serving) then I either water it down, or eat less of it. I have been craving a Pepsi so bad these days, but I won't allow myself to have one and there are plenty of them in the fridge. I just know that one sip and that'll be all she wrote. I'll drink the whole thing and it will not be pretty afterwards. There is something like 20+ grams in a serving (1 can) of Pepsi, so rather than dump, I choose not to drink it.

I opened a can of Diet Coke today because I was craving a soda so bad, and it was terrible. No wonder I like Pepsi better. I worry about the aspartame in the sodas because it gives me migraines, so I try to stay away from the aspartame if I can. If I do choose to go down the soda path, I will find a soda with sucralose. I'm really trying to resist soda in general, but if I do go there, I'll go the way of sparkling mineral water with a twist or with soda with splenda.

I am noticing that I can eat larger portions this past week. I'm both happy and sad. Happy in that I can eat less often and sad because it makes me feel like I'm not quite ready for the next phase of weight loss. I feel like the old tapes are playing in my head now. My stomach is bigger, albeit not as big as before surgery, and it makes me think that I can somehow go back to the old ways of eating. That's what my devil-mind is telling me. My angel-mind tells me that I am doing very well with my current way of eating and so why should I shift back to the old, terrible ways of eating? I really am happy how I'm eating now. I don't miss sugar (candy, cake, etc.) but I do miss soda and I feel I can handle that soon. I'm happy eating smaller portions and feeling my belly get full. I'm happy to leave food on my plate. It makes me happy.

So yeah, I weighed today. I put the trash at the curb, so I gave myself permission to weigh and I'm down to 237. The 230's. Amazing. I don't think I've been here for at least 10 years. I remember my weight by events in my life. I remember I weighed 220 when I started my current job 14 years ago. Do you remember the weight/event thing in your life?

I am feeling much better physically. I'm waiting to get a note from my doctor to go back to work. I'm really ready now. A few weeks ago, no, but now, yes. I still have days where the food I've chosen to eat doesn't agree with me, but hey, I'll have those kinds of days whether I'm home or at work. At least I'm not having days where the food makes me feel so bad that I have to go to bed. I'm glad those days are few and far between now.

Thanks for stopping by today. I appreciate you following my blog.

Sunday tidbits

2009-08-16T11:51:00.000-07:00

So, ok, I'm not so good about following directions. I weighed myself today and it is NOT trash day. I'm down to 241. Yes! The last time I weighed was about a week ago, I think and I was 245 or around there. People tell me they can definitely tell I'm losing weight now. They can see it in my face and my upper body.

I have a friend who is losing weight and she is passing her clothes down to me. I love it and thank you, thank you! I am currently wearing size 22 bottoms (most of my weight is around my middle) and about 18/20 tops. She is passing along some 20's and lots of 18 stuff. I am thrilled. Lots of cute, cute clothes to fit into in the next month or so. OMG, you should see this darling bathing suit she gave me.

This is the cutest suit I've had in ages. I love the pink color and the fun black and silver stars all over it with just enough (well maybe not enough) skirting to cover my not-so-sexy thighs.

At 241 lbs how can I feel sexy in a bathing suit? I don't know. Maybe it's partly the weight loss and I feel better or maybe it's just attitude. I think it's more attitude at this point. I feel so terrific by the weight loss!

I'm hoping, but not counting on it, that I'll be under 200 by Christmas. That would be awesome, right?

Great day!

2009-08-11T00:25:00.000-07:00

I know I shouldn't have, but I just had to, it was Monday!

I got on the scale. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm not supposed to weigh myself until trash day (Wednesday), but I just had a feeling this morning. A feeling something had changed and golly gosh-a-roo, I lost 5 lbs since Friday! I felt so giddy!

I was quite active today. Picking up around the house, shopping for a dress for my niece's wedding, a stop at work to drop off a gift for a friend and to talk to the HR gal, stop for lunch and then home.

Let me tell you about the dress. I went to Lane Bryant because I know that they have dresses. Target, WalMart, Kohl's, you never know what kind, if any, selection they have for plus size dresses, so I went to Lane Bryant right away. I found three dresses I thought were appropriate for the wedding and guess what? I no longer wear a 22/24, I wear and 18/20! I was tickled pink! The dress I chose is sleeveless. A wedding in the late afternoon sun in PA, well, can you say hot and humid?!

The dress is not only sleeveless, but it it cut so that it angles up towards the neckline. No possibility of wearing a bra with straps. I asked the gal at Lane Bryant if she could measure me because I needed a strapless bra and I wasn't sure how much weight I lost on the upper part of my body. She measured and I went from a 44C to a 42B. Fantastic! I ended up buying a 40B instead and adding a bra extender so that I could get more use from the bra as I lose weight. The bras were buy one get one half off, so of course I did. It is the most comfortable strapless bra I have ever worn. Love it! I also bought some panties, too. Oh yes, I was on a roll!

Here's the dress I bought:

It feels wonderful on. So twirly and girly. I am going to work on my tan so that I do not have to wear pantyhose. Ugh.

It is such a great feeling to me to have the physical proof that I am losing weight. I know, how could I not know I was smaller since I've lost 30 lbs since surgery? Well, I think our minds play games with us. Some people can still "look" fat to themselves even if they weigh 125 lbs. How I would LOVE to weigh 125 lbs. Maybe some day. :)

I am going to keep the tags on this dress until the end of the month. I may lose enough weight by then to be able to exchange the 18/20 for a size 16. If I don't lose enough weight to do that, that is totally ok with me. I'm happy with what I have.

No, you cannot see a picture of the panties and bras. Pervs.

Before and Current Pics

2009-08-09T21:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, I'm being brave today. I'm posting the before and after pics I have so far. I'm down 24 lbs since these pics were taken. The before pics are on the left and the current pic is on the right.

First comparison I see my butt looks less wide and my back between the shoulders looks narrower. Thanks, honey, for noticing my tag was out! Sheesh!!

Left side shots. I can tell the difference. I don't still don't like my booty or gut, but hey, it's getting smaller! Hey, is my thigh smaller or am I imagining things?

Right side. I can tell the difference here. My butt and my gut look smaller. I never realized how much weight I carried in front of me. My old armor. sigh.

And lastly, here's the front view. I think I look thinner, but not by a lot. I don't think my belly hangs down as bad as before and I look a bit narrower from under my boobs side to side. I can't wait to lose side boobage from under my arms. I'll celebrate when my arms hang down straight instead of like a linebacker.

Rambling today

2009-08-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

First: I went to the doctor on Friday. It was a follow-up from my hospital visit a week ago. The dehydration incident. The visit showed I'm doing well surgically, but this post-op life change, is very tough on me. It's very hard for me to eat. I am doing better with my liquids, but eating is still a problem. I told NP Kelly that I would eat when I'm hungry. My fat brain was telling me that if I ate, then I would get fat or wouldn't lose weight, but I cannot possibly eat as much as I did before because my stomach is smaller. Duh. I am going to accept my imperfections as things to learn from, not to beat myself up over.

Oh, the NP told me I can go back to a regular diet now. That means meat and fresh fruits and veggies! Salad! My body will tell me if it doesn't like what I eat, so I may as well try it all. Yippee! Oh, and NP Kelly told me to stop weighing myself every day. I've been stuck at 250 for two weeks and I was sabotaging myself by not eating because I thought that would help me lose weight. Nope! So now I'm weighing only on trash day. Hey, I had a choice to weigh on trash day or church day, and since I don't go to church, trash day it is.

Second: Today was a great day. I slept in until 9:30 (oh shame!) and then checked my email, my RSS feeds and Facebook. Then I had my coffee and went out to work in the yard. The gardener was out there working on the irrigation, so I swept up the hedge mess out front, swept the cobwebs and dust from the fence and watered the patio plants. It was so nice outside today - high 70's with a nice cool breeze. I ate when I got hungry and I took all my pills today. I tend to forget to take my B1 and my vitamin, so getting all the pills in is a big deal to me. I drank lots of water and I feel great.

Third: I need to get a few projects done. I have the bbq side burner to get done. I told John I'd sew a cover for it. He got a cover for the grill, but they don't make covers for the side burners. That's weird, isn't it? I also need to clean the craft room so I can get up there and get some crafting done. I've been off work for 6 weeks and I've not done one single card! I also want to get the wall quilt started. I bought the kit at the Long Beach Quilt Show last month, so there really is no excuse.

Fourth: I forgot to ask the doctor when I can go back to work. I'm getting kind of tired being home, but I'm really not ready to go to work yet. I still have very low days because of no energy from food choices, so it's really not fair to my employer if I go back and then take days off. I want to go back feeling at least 90% recovered.

Fifth: I have not juiced in days. I am really feeling the desire to have smoothies, but just don't get off my butt to make them. Sad. I'm still reading all the inspirational food blogs on my website and from my RSS feeds, so at least I'm not ignoring the juicing and smoothing links.

That's it for today. Nothing really exciting happening in my world.

A very cool thing

2009-08-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

Check this out:I have to drink a lot of fluids each day, as much as possible, especially since I had that stint in the hospital with dehydration. So, I thought, why not have popsicles? That's a great idea, except that I can't buy commercial popsicles since they have sugar or aspartame (Nutrasweet) and I am sensitive to aspartame. I call it an allergy to aspartame since it gives me migraine headaches. The answer? Make my own popsicles!

I found these Cool Cones at Bed, Bath and Beyond. This set of four was $4.99. These are push-up type popsicle molds. I am going to make juice and maybe mix it with yogurt to make it creamy and then freeze it into these push-up popsicles. I am going to make juice tomorrow and add some yogurt for creaminess. Sounds yummy, no? YES!

I did pretty good today with my liquids. I'm sure I'm hydrated well enough, but I didn't eat enough protein today. I visited with my Aunt Cathy and my Mom today and well, we just got to talking and I forgot to eat. Yes, forgot to eat! I never could've said that six months ago. FORGET to eat? Riiiiight! But these days, I'm just so satisfied with drinking my juice/water mixture that food really isn't that important to me.

I do have to work on the protein, though. I do not want my hair to start falling out and I do not want muscle wasting, so I have to get the protein in no matter what, at least 50 grams a day. I need to start planning my meals ahead of time, so I make sure I eat or drink my protein each day. I also know how much better I feel when I do get my 50 grams a day in, so it's a must-do.

Now that I've learned that my stomach pain/nausea is from excess stomach acid, I take my protonics early in the day so I don't have a problem with liquids and water. I can't stress that enough to anyone going through this surgery to take the stomach medicine they tell you to take and if you get sick like I did, let the doctor know right away. Don't wait 3 weeks like I did. There is no reason to suffer, and I know that now.

Have not weighed myself in 4 days. Will weigh tomorrow. I feel like I'm losing inches right now instead of weight, but we'll see what the scale says. Either way, I'm happy.

A Perfect Day

2009-08-02T22:41:00.001-07:00

What perfect day it was today! No one went to the hospital, no one got hurt or drunk or anything!

Slept in until 8:30 or so. Had my juice out on the back patio with hubby and read the paper until the gardener came by. Had a 1/2 of an egg salad sandwich for lunch. Took a 3 hour nap. Had 1/2 a blue cheese hamburger patty for dinner. Walked with hubby to the post office, chatted with neighbors and watered the patio plants. Then, oh then! I had dessert.

I was sitting here at the laptop realizing my tummy was hungry again and I wanted pie. Oh yes, pie. That's the first thing that came to my head. Warm pie with crumbles on top. As I was imagining eating it, Tony (my kid) came downstairs and I told him what I wanted. First he laughed, then he says, "so have pie. Make yourself a pie."

Well, I can't really have pie, because it has sugar in it, but I got an idea. I cut up a fresh peach into a little bowl and then I googled pie crumbles. You know the kind that goes on top of an apple crumble? Yeah, that!

The recipe said 1/2 C flour, 1/2 C sugar and 1/4 C butter. Well, I can't have any sugar, so I used my box of Splenda because it substitutes equal amounts of Splenda for sugar. I mixed all of those ingredients together and added a little cinnamon and it made crumble! I put some crumble on top of the peach and put it in the oven for about 20 minutes, and when it came out, oh my freakin' god, it was delicious. I didn't even think to take a picture for you because I ate it right away.

I feel like I cheated somehow, but I didn't. Nothing I ate was off-list and it was so mentally satisfying I feel terrific. We have apples, peaches and nectarines in the fruit bowl, so looks like tomorrow's dessert is planned already. I think I'll make apple tomorrow for John and I. I know he'll like it, too.

Hospital Visit

2009-08-01T12:23:00.001-07:00

If you read yesterdays post, you know I was feeling icky. Well, that wasn't even the tiniest bit of it. I called the doctor's office and got an appointment for 4pm. I went in and the NP Kelly said it sounded like I was dehydrated and that my stomach was producing too much acid, despite taking Ranitidine.

So, I was admitted to the Observation Unit at Pomerado Hospital's ER. They immediately hooked me up to a bag of some IV fluid and it drained rather quickly. I started to feel better right away. They hooked up another bag. I couldn't believe I still hadn't peed. Then when that bag was empty, they hooked up a "banana bag". That's another fluid bag filled with lots of vitamins. That was a slow dripper and it emptied sometime during the night. I slept pretty well since John had dropped off my CPAP for me.

Early this morning, I went in for an upper GI. I had to drink this nasty-tasting drink while the radiologist and NP Kelly watched it go down my throat and into my belly. No leaks in the staples in my stomach or no ulcers. There is a tiny hiatal hernia, but no reflux. I'm happy to hear that.

So Kelly prescribed some Protonics for me, told me to make an appt with her this next week and then I left the hospital. I picked up the new prescription, came home and had a little bite to eat and now I'm hydrating. Poured a little bit of tangerine pomegranate juice into a glass and filled it with water. Just enough juice to change the flavor of the water.

I don't want to go through this again. I know better now not to let this feeling/condition go for 2-3 weeks. Call the office, call the office, CALL THE OFFICE! Sometimes I am so stubborn. Yeah, see previous posts for clarification. LOL

I'm going to take it easy today and maybe even take a nap or two.

Feeling Pooky

2009-07-31T13:44:00.000-07:00

I am feeling pooky today. You know the feeling, just "eh". Actually, my stomach is icky and that makes me feel icky. I thought I'd feed it something new today: egg salad. This was a menu suggestion the last time I went to the doctor. I tried it and now I feel icky. Why oh why? I am so tired of feeling icky I don't even want to eat anymore. I'm tired of trying new things to eat. I've even gone back to what made me feel ok things to eat and I feel icky. I'm so fucking tired of feeling icky!!!!!

I sip water all day. I get down maybe 2 protein drinks a day, but I want to EAT SOMETHING and nothing feels good in my pouch. Nothing. I feel so icky that I can't even think of a juice or smoothie that will make me feel good. I mean, I know which ones make me feel good, but I feel so bad I don't even want to make them. I'm afraid they'll make me feel icky, too. Why wouldn't they? Everything else does.

The scale said 250.0 this morning. I know it's probably because I'm not eating very much. I just want to cry. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but this sucks! How am I supposed to lose weight if I can't eat? My body thinks I'm starving it and it's holding on to whatever it can to survive.

I'm going to go cry for awhile and then call the doctor.

Great Thursday

2009-07-30T20:35:00.000-07:00

Yes, today was a great day. No nausea, no stomach ache!

The thing is, I didn't eat all my protein. I just wasn't hungry today. I know, I know, I should eat it anyways, but in my brain, that goes against everything I tried to teach myself when I was dieting: don't eat if you're not hungry.

I ate cottage cheese for breakfast. 14 grams protein. Lunch was 1/2 C of chicken alfredo. Probably not more than 8 or 10 grams of protein since there wasn't much chicken in my bowl. Did not eat dinner yet and it's 8:30pm. Oh, I did have a protein drink this afternoon and that was 30 grams, so that adds up to 52 grams. I guess I did eat enough protein so far. It just wasn't in my meals.

I went grocery shopping today and got some good stuff. Lots and lots of veggies and then some fruit. I want to buy one new veggie each time I go. I learned that from Cindy. Today it was dandelion greens. I'm going to put them in a smoothie tomorrow and will report on that. I got kale, spinach, romaine, beets, carrots, onions, red bell peppers, and lots more stuff I can't remember at the moment. I got granny smith and yellow delicious apples, bananas, pears and avocados and tomatoes. I really wish I could eat salad, but not yet. I have a few more weeks to go before I can eat that.

I was very excited to see the scale this morning: 249.8.

I was going to post some pics today, but Blogger is being stupid and messing up my photos. I'll try tomorrow.

Food/hunger issues today

2009-07-29T17:31:00.000-07:00

Not much to talk about food-wise today. I haven't eaten much. Cream of wheat for breakfast, string cheese and a tiny bit of chicken salad for lunch, tilapia (fish) and mushrooms for dinner. I've been hungry all day, but it's been one of those days where I don't feel like eating. You ever get so hungry you don't want to eat? It's weird. I know I haven't gotten in all my protein for the day, either. I should've had more to drink, too. I ate my dinner too fast and now my stomach hurts. That's what happens when I'm that hungry and I eat. I'm not paying attention to how much and how fast I'm shoveling it in there. I'm usually a very slow eater, but I guess I just disconnect when it comes to hunger to that degree. Lesson learned.

I feel so full and uncomfortable right now I wish I could throw up. I hate to throw up so I avoid it at any cost, even times when I know I'll feel better by doing so. So I'll sit here and suffer and listen to my intestines gurgle and whine until it all passes through. Honestly, right now I'm afraid to throw up. My stomach is so small now (walnut-sized) that I think it's really going to hurt to barf. Enough about this already.

It was warm today, so I sat in the spa. We've turned down the temp so it's refreshing as opposed to heating. I loved sitting in there, but I loved putting on a bathing suit. Two of the suits I own were just too big. The one I wore, I could still wear 10-20 lbs from now, so that's a good thing, but I've had it so long the elastic in the top is shot. I guess I'd better buy a new suit or two in different sizes before they disappear in the stores.

I thought real hard about going to the gym today, but didn't make it. Good thing especially since I was having food/hunger issues today.

Down to 250.2 today. Wow, next time I weigh, I could be in the 240's!

Stubborn or just gas?

2009-07-28T09:53:00.000-07:00

I woke up today feeling different. Awake, alive, free, open, clear, healthy.

Yesterday was definitely a learning day for me. I felt really terrible and couldn't wait to go to bed so I could just have a different day. Around 5pm yesterday, I realized I had gas. No, not the farting kind, just intestinal gas. I asked John to bring me some chewable Gas-X and he did and my god, what a difference! I'm telling you, this surgery is not easy to figure out. My guts hurt yesterday and I assumed that it was because of what or how much I was eating. While that part may be true, it was also the combination of things I ate that gave me gas and I didn't realize it. It is so hard to figure out what is going on with that pouch sometimes.

I am a stubborn person. I hold on to what I believe is right and I don't change unless I have substantial evidence to the opposite. I am a very easygoing person, though, and I do love spontaneity, but in my beliefs in things is what is hard for me to give up.

For example, yesterday being a very shitty day. I believed what I wanted to believe about my food. Then I was reminded by a good friend that I should seek out the doctor's message board. On YEAH, I FORGOT ABOUT THAT! That message board is full of information! I went straight to the food issues part and found out so much more information than I wanted, but needed. I tend to be a fairly private person when it comes to very personal issues (things I don't want to share) and so I figure I'm stuck with those issues and there's no changing them. Wrong! I am not the only person facing those issues. Ha, go figure!

So one of the things that was getting me down mentally this past week was the fact that my weight loss had come to a standstill. Three weeks post-op and a plateau already? I was devastated. I have so much to lose and already I'm stuck? From the message boards, I learned that this is totally normal at 3 weeks out, and it won't be the last plateau either. Some of the people stalled for 3-4 weeks and here I am whining because I stalled for 4 days. Oh poor me, didn't get what I wanted! Spoiled little girl!

So I felt those feelings, took my Gas-X and went to bed and had a wonderful sleep. Today it feels as if my eyes are wide open. You know the feeling? Just ALIVE!

Oh and I'm down to 250.2 today.

Weekend update

2009-07-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

What a terrific weekend.

Saturday was the Long Beach Quilt Show. I went with two friends. We took a chartered bus up there and we shopped our tootsies off. I got lots of new projects to start. We walked and shopped for almost 6 hours. For food, I took my own lunch and barely ate anything. I had some chicken salad, so Snapeas and some string cheese. I drank a protein drink on the bus home. For dinner at home, I had some more chicken salad. I'm eating the chicken salad because I've discovered that it's enough protein to keep me satisfied for 3 hours or more. Hard to get in enough protein to hold me for 3 hours. I find myself snacking (good food) in a few hours after I eat if I don't get in enough protein. I did juice after dinner: apple, spinach, carrot. That's my favorite juice these days. I fell asleep on the couch before 10pm and slept for 13 hours! I guess I needed sleep. I can't remember the last time I slept so much, but I feel so good today.

Woke up and had my coffee. Even if I only drink 1/4 cup of coffee, I'm satisfied. Had the rest of the chicken salad for breakfast/lunch. Drank a protein drink after that. John and I went to the new Target and I got a big giant container of EAS protein powder that has 23 grams of protein with 1 gram of sugar per serving. A serving is 6 oz of water or milk. I've had 2 protein drinks today and with the chicken and other veggies I've had, I got in all my protein for the day. I am so happy! I feel good, too. Amazing how good I feel when I get in the suggested amount of protein.

What I'm not happy about is my weight. I've been at 252-something for what seems like a week. I'm not happy that I've hit a plateau already. What the hell is that all about? I think maybe it has to do with the protein intake. Until the past couple of days, I haven't been able to get in nearly half of the protein requirement and maybe that's what the stoppage of weight loss is, I don't really know.

This weight plateau makes me think of all the other diets I've been on and by this time in the plateau, I would've given up on the diet, only now I can't do that. Can't undo gastric bypass. Can't undo the fact that my stomach is small, I have to avoid sugars and tons of liquids, so no bingeing! I have to tough it out. So my thoughts go to why I'm not losing.

The guide to weight loss is if you're not losing, then you're either eating too much or you need to increase activity. I'm not sure the overeating plays into the equation this time because I can't eat that much, so do I eat more and increase activity? I don't know for sure, but that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to make sure I eat/drink all 50-60 grams of protein each day and I'm going to start walking. The heat has settled down a bit - now only in the upper 80's - so I think a morning walk is on the agenda. I promise to myself that I will do this for the next week and see how it plays into my weight loss. If these changes don't work, then a phone call to the doctor will definitely be in order.

I told John today that I wanted to start going to the gym and he kind of frowned and said, "don't do too much". OMG, I am so tired of people telling me I do too much!! I am so tired of sitting on my ass and doing nothing! I am bored, bored, BORED! Besides, who knows how I feel more than I?

I have been reminded that I have had not one, but TWO abdominal surgeries in the last month and that alone should be the reason I take it easy, but the fact that the doctor had to do the extra surgery with the abdominal mass (fat adhesions to my lower intestine) excisions during the second surgery, warrants extra resting, they said. Yes, I am still sore, but not so sore that I need to sit, sit, sit. OMG my ass will be growing instead of shrinking. So I am telling you, blog readers, that I am going to exercise, whether it be a walk or two during the day or even if I go to the gym. I'm pretty aware how much I can do, and if I overdo it, well, I have the next day to recuperate and learn from the experience, don't I?

Need to go shopping tomorrow. The veggie bin is getting pretty bare. I'm craving my veggies.

Hungry Day

2009-07-22T23:33:00.000-07:00

I woke up hungry and pretty much stayed hungry all day. I ate breakfast - cream of wheat and nectarine. I finished my 1/2 portion and then had my coffee. Three hours later on the dot, I was hungry again. I ate some homemade hummus and some snapea crisps. It was delightful. Snack sometime in the afternoon was string cheese. Then I had some green juice from yesterday. Dinner was pasta with meat sauce. The meat sauce was ground chicken basil mixed with onions, green peppers and garlic and when done browning, I added some organic tomato basil red sauce. It was so yummy. That was at 6pm. About 9:30pm I was hungry again and so I had the tiny bit of meat sauce with a noodle. Eleven o'clock I just had a slice of cantaloupe. It was almost like a normal person eating day, but more often.

I'm supposed to eat small meals five times a day right now. I think when I go for my six week checkup I'll be changed to 3 meals a day. That will be nice. At first, I struggled to eat five times a day and today I looked forward to eating my five times a day. Oh, and no stomach pain, either. No dumping. I must've chewed well enough and ate small enough bites. That means you CAN teach an old dog new tricks!

So the next thing I have to work on is getting my ass out of a chair. I'm either sitting on the couch, computer chair, desk chair, patio chair, etc. You get the idea. I'm sitting and my butt hurts today. I think tomorrow I will go to the gym. I need to get back into the groove, so now's a good a time as any, I'd say. Besides, I don't want to lose weight this quickly and be all flabby when I'm done. Nope. I'm definitely going to need a boob job, but that's a story for another day, kids.

I also have to work getting my meds in during the day. Can't take the medication cocktail like I used to in the mornings. Doc says if I do that, it'll just turn into a medication blob and sit in my stomach. I don't want that, so I found these cute little containers at the $1 store and I put all my meds for the day in it: Synthroid, Lexapro, Ranitidine, B1, B12, multivitamin. I make 3 containers at once so I'm ready to go for 3 days. I try to have this container out in the open all day so when I see it I can take a pill. Spread them out over the day, you see. Well, I get all the pills in the cute little container, but I forget to take them, so I end up taking most of them between 6-10pm. Not what I wanted to do. I'm working on that. Oh, and I'm supposed to take Calcium with vitamin D but do you know how HUGE those pills are?! I have to ask the pharmacist about something smaller. That pill will not pass through my small stomach opening and I don't want problems because of a pill.

Down to 252.8 today. Not a big jump from yesterday. I won't weigh again until Friday.

Doctor day

2009-07-21T23:21:00.000-07:00

Today was my visit with the pulmonologist. I see him because I sleep with a CPAP machine at night. I snore quite a lot and when I snore, I stop breathing - up to 55 times an hour! Uh, yeah, that's not good. The CPAP keeps a continuous pressure through the mask I wear to keep my throat open when I sleep so I don't snore and I don't stop breathing. Now that I've lost a fair amount of weight, I can have the pressure reduced on the machine. That is a good thing. The doctor told me at this rate, I may be off the machine altogether in the next 4-5 months. That would be fantastic!

After the doc visit, I headed up to Mom's to help her with her email. I stopped at the grocery store to get myself something to eat because it was 10:30am and I hadn't eaten anything since I got up at 6:30am. I got some thin-sliced deli roast beef and some swiss cheese. Yum! I also got some pears and some Pom juice - pomegranate and tangerine blend. Delish. I only ate the meat/cheese at the time. So email fixed, got some puppy updates and I headed to work to drop off something for a friend.

Cindy is the recipient of one of my latest book purchases, "Green for Life". I thoroughly enjoyed that book, especially all the smoothie recipes in the back. Head on over to Cindy's blog to see what she's up to this week. She'll probably talk about the book, too, once she starts reading.

After catching up with a few people at work, I headed to WalMart to get the curtain rods I need for the patio curtains. I realized at that time that I hadn't eaten again. It was now around 2pm. I really need a watch to remind me to eat every three hours. It's kind of maddening to have to eat that often, but I still had some roast beef/cheese in the car so I ate a little of that.

After shopping, I headed home. I was tuckered out. I knew I needed something refreshing to drink, but I was so tired, I didn't make juice or a smoothie. I know, I know, I would've felt so much better, but I was just so tired, you know? John got home from work and decided he was making burgers and Tony volunteered to make me my burger. He said he knew I could only maybe eat 1/4 of a burger patty, so I let him go for it. He carved down a hamburger bun to about the size of a soda can lid, added the burger, a slice of tomato, little bit of lettuce, onion, feta cheese and a nice light dressing of some type. I ate the meat and most of the veggies, but not much bun. I'm not supposed to eat soft bread yet, but I did eat a little bit but I chewed it til it was all but juice in my mouth. I know that sounds gross, but it's how I have to do it. Cantaloupe for dessert and I'm a happy camper.

I have to force myself to get the protein down. I need to make sure I have protein at each of my 5 meals during the day. I do notice that if I don't get much protein during the day, either by meat or veggies, that I feel lethargic and unmotivated. When I made the smoothie the other day, it perked me right up, so I have to remember that I can have a smoothie instead of a meal since those veggies do contain some protein.

Pretty much a blah day. I didn't even weight myself.

Enlightened!

2009-07-20T08:40:00.000-07:00

I never would've thought there was so much to learn after gastric bypass surgery. Each day I learn something new about myself and how the surgery has changed how I eat and view food.

Day before yesterday was not a very good food day. I planned my meals and ate them pretty much every 3 hours. After each meal, I felt a bit "off". Not sick, not dumping, but just "off". My stomach hurt after each meal. I made sure to chew the food very very well and to eat slowly, but it still hurt after I ate, so I made sure to eat less, thinking maybe my meals were too large. Still a little pain each time. I can't drink with meals because that pushes the food out of my stomach and doesn't give it time to absorb nutrients, so I have to wait 30 minutes after eating to drink anything. So, the day was a bit uncomfortable.

So yesterday, I sat and thought about what I ate the previous day. Sometimes it's easier to look back and evaluate than it is to try and do it when you're in the situation, you know? So I looked back at my food and realized that the food I was eating was low in moisture content. Maybe I needed to make sure what I was eating wasn't so dry.

I prepared a few tilapia fillets and covered them with julienned zucchini strips. Only a few minutes in the pan and it was done. Love that. I plated up a small piece of the fish and some veggies and cut them up real fine on my plate. I ate my portion (until I was full) and guess what? No yucky feeling, no pain in my tummy! The fish and veggies were very moist and I bet that helped a lot. The fish and veggies lasted me for 4 meals and I didn't have one problem after eating. Amazing!

So there is a lot to learn about my new stomach. I know it's small, but it is picky. It wants good protein and moist veggies. Oh, and I'm supposed to eat food in this order when I eat: protein, veggies, carbs (if there is room). I need to remember that, too, when I eat. Protein first. There isn't much room in that small stomach right now, only about 1/4 cup, so I need to give it good stuff to make me feel good.

On another note, I've been reading this really good book called "Green for Life" by Victoria Boutenko. She talks about how green drinks really are the elixir of life. How green drinks/smoothies are optimal for health. I haven't made a green drink in ages, and I really need to do that. I just have to get past the greenness of the drink, you know? I know it tastes really good, but it's just so GREEN! When I was juicing and making smoothies prior to surgery, I felt terrific and I know that by drinking them, helped me recover quickly from surgery. It's just that after surgery I can only drink a little bit at a time and so little of anything that I just stopped making the drinks. Well, dammit, back to it! I don't want to be tired and I don't want to feel yucky. GREEN DRINKS ON THE MENU TODAY!

Down to 253.8 today. Wow!

Anger vs Irritation vs Detox

2009-07-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

I woke up in a weird mood today. At first, I couldn't tell what it was. I got my cuppa and went out to the patio where John was already having his cuppa, a cig and reading the paper. I sat down, said "Good Morning" and watched as he read the paper. No conversation, just reading and then it hit me. I was angry. Not at John. I couldn't tell WHAT I was angry at or with or whatever! John and I have been married for almost 22 years and he knows when I get in a "mood", he just lets me be. That was a very good idea today.

After a bit, I realied I wasn't really angry at all, I was irritated. To me, there was a difference. I didn't want to yell or scream or throw things, I just wanted to be left alone to deal with this indifference I was feeling inside. I warned Tony that I was irritated today and he said "at what?" and I said I don't know. He says, "You know, you may be detoxing." OMG! That's it!!

After he said that and I let it soak in I actually felt a little better. I had a name for how I felt. I've been through detox before when I was on a diet and I stuck to it, but at that time, I didn't realize my feelings were because my body was changing and clearing out crap, and with the crap, go those feelings associated with the crap.

So, I let my body do its thing, getting rid of old waste and old feelings. I just let them flow. Let them out. I didn't like it one bit, but it has to be done. Thank god I have an astute kid and that my memory actually remembers bits and pieces of things. I remember reading about detoxing way back when I started juicing and Cindy and I discussed it. Years ago, I would've been on some diet doing really well and these same feelings would come up and I wouldn't know what to do with them so I'd get frustrated and eat. And then eat some more to cover those feelings. What a cycle!

I did a little retail therapy today because I needed to get out of the house. I made tilapia and zucchini for dinner and I feel terrific. I'm pretty sure part of my "mood" today was I needed nourishment in the form of protein but I didn't realize it at the time. I learn something new every single day.

I am so thankful for my insightful family and friends. I need them and love them to bits.

Down to 255 today. Half way through the 50's already!

Thursday again

2009-07-16T16:59:00.001-07:00

So today is a good day. I got that freakin' tube out of my gut. I feel like a new person without that alien hanging around.

So I went to the doctor's and everything is fine. All my guts are fine, my lungs are fine, I can even give you a hearty cough. How exciting is that? Not very, but I passed my exam. I also attened a dietary seminar after the appointment. The dietician reviewed some protein supplements and some vitamins. I am supposed to be eating/drinking my 50-60 grams of protein a day and since I can't eat that much yet, I have to get a protein shake to make it up. I'm also on adult multivitamins plus a B1 supplement (thiamine). Next week I start the B12 supplements.

So as far as food goes, I'm on a little more substantial regime: Yogurt, cottage cheese, string cheese, scrambled eggs, cooked veggies, flaky fish,baby shrimp, beans, maybe some paper thin deli meats if I want. I can have some carbs now: cooked cereals like cream of wheat, and mashed potatoes. I can have melba toast as long as it is very toasty and I bite off little pieces and chew it to death. No doughy breads yet. I can have pasta after next Friday (at the 3 week mark).

Stopped at Henry's for a few veggies and bananas and came home and made a little zucchini stirfry. It was delicious. I chewed well and had no gastric surprises. :) I've had one of my protein shakes. I made it with a little mango Pom juice mixed with water and my vanilla protein powder. It was a little strange-tasting, but not horrible. Once I put in the ice cubes, I was fine.

Tony is making us dinner tonight. We're having something with scallops. He and I picked up a mixed veggie tray at Henry's. It has mushrooms, asparagus, onions and probably something else I'm forgetting. I can't wait to eat what he comes up with. He's a very good cook.

So until tomorrow, I leave you pain-free and happy.

Back to the 50's!

2009-07-15T13:58:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy. Do you see the weight/BMI ticker above this post? See the numbers? I'm in the 250's! I haven't been here in ages. I know I still weigh a lot, but c'mon, this is progress!!

My lunch today:

1 can organic black beans, rinsed

2-4 tbsp jar salsa

lots and lots of fresh cilantro

Put all in the Magic Bullet and you have refried beans. I had to add a little water to make it smushy. Lots of good protein from the beans and I need protein. I'm slowly eating until I am full. It doesn't take long when your stomach is the size of a ping pong ball. Sometimes I take too big of a bite and my stomach lets me know by hurting just a bit, so I'm learning to take smaller bites. My friend, Lale, suggested putting in some lime. Oooh, yeah, that sounds yummy! I don't have any limes at the moment, but we're going to the Farmer's Market today and so I'll get me some. Limeade would be refreshing, too, on these hot days.

Aside from making that horribly difficult lunch, I'm doing okay today. Energy is about 50%, but that's because I'm not eating like I should. When I get hungry, I'm also thirsty and I can't eat and drink at the same meal. The doc wants food in there only so that I stay full longer. Adding water or juice just washes the food out of my new little tummy and I get hungry an hour later.

I started to be mad at myself because I can't remember to eat more often (5 meals a day) but hey, I caught myself before I could get too down. This is new! How can I be perfect if this is new? How can I be perfect anyways? Gees, I am so hard on myself. Relax. Take a breath. Watch the hummingbirds in the feeder. Love that.

Here's a picture of me and Goober. Isn't he cute?

Today is better than yesterday

2009-07-12T23:16:00.000-07:00

I've been waking up early this past week and you know why? I'm hungry! My empty tummy is telling me it needs to be fed.

So I'm out of bed and fed it. I had a little coffee w/milk because I still like my coffee in the morning. I fed my tummy some non-fat (no sugar) greek yogurt with a smashed up pear in it. Delicious and refreshing. I thought my tummy was full, but not sure. It's still hard to tell. I was also in a fair amount of pain this morning, so I took my liquid goodness and it took the edge off. I was feeling a big bloated by this point and not sure if it was the yogurt, the pear, the coffee or the medication. I sat on the couch and read my book and sipped my water.

Then my inspiriation came. Cindy called. She sounded so chipper and happy. I wanted to be that way, too! She asked me about what I had been eating/trying to eat and what juices I had made. Bingo! I needed some nutrients. We chatted a while and then I went and made a juice: I decided on some juice first, so I made the apple, carrot, beet, ginger juice. So yummy. I love that ginger!

A few hours later, I decided I wanted some real food in my little belly, so I decided to make me some potato soup. Hey, I can have canned cream soups, why not make my own and have it without any of the extras they put in there you know? Last I checked, I didn't need any emusifiers in my diet. So I microwaved a baked potato and let it cool. Meanwhile, I chopped up some spinach. I scooped out the potato guts and added the spinach to it. Smashed it up real good and added some low-fat milk, S&P, onion powder and garlic powder. Tasted it. Yum! Microwaved it and then started to eat it. I ate about half of my portion and felt full. About 2 hours later, I started hurting and I started to feel pain in my lower intestines. Oh no, could this be the dreaded dumping syndrome?

I thought if it was going to give me the dreaded dumping syndrome, well so be it. Rather have that from food choices than a processed sugar dump. I think I was experiencing the carbohydrate dump, so I decided to take a nap. Well, whatever it was was over by the time I woke up 2 hours later. I guess fresh potatoes are off the menu for now.

After my nap, I had a sugar-free jello and some water. I'm kind of afraid to eat now. It's so hard for me to tell the difference between the pain and hunger. It makes me feel so out of touch with my body. I'm going to keep taking my liquid pain meds regularly to see if that makes me feel more in touch with the hunger. Does that make sense? I have to rule one out before I can concentrate on the other.

I am still trying to figure out feeding times. I don't want to put myself on a "schedule" but I need to be reminded to eat every 3-4 hours right now. I'm finding I don't eat and I don't want my body to suffer because I'm absent-minded. I think I need a wrist watch with a reminder on it or something.

Off to find something to EAT. I know the feeling in my belly now has to be hunger. I haven't eaten anything since the jello at 7:30pm.

Today was a better day than yesterday. I accept that now.

Bad mood in progress

2009-07-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

Why is everything pissing me off today???????

This morning, I was weepy. Then I was ok. Then I was pissy, now I'm just pissed off. At what? I don't know.

Every show on tv makes me antsy and irritated. My stomach hurts. My hair feels weird. The drain in my belly is leaking. I tell you, if I hadn't had this surgery, I would've been eating anything and everything. It's like I feel a binge coming on, but I can't binge. Ack! That's it!! I can't binge!

Ok, now that I know what it is, I can calm down and feel it. Work through it. I can do this.

Oh, and I'm down to 264.6. Yay me.

4 days post-op

2009-07-11T10:06:00.000-07:00

and I need to give myself a break. I expect too much of myself sometimes. I'm sitting here feeling kind of shitty because my stomach hurts. Well, no duh! Things were rearranged in there only 4 days ago girl! It's gonna hurt for a little while. Go easy on yourself. I just feel that if I don't give 100% then I'm not doing my part to contribute to our world here right now. I feel like I should be de-cluttering the living room table, watering the plants outside, emptying the dishwasher, starting laundry (a day early) - just doing something besides sitting here on my ass doing computer stuff. But my tummy does hurt today. I've taken my liquid Vicodin (yum) so it's hurting less than when I got up, but I feel the need to be productive.

I have only two new incisions on my belly. They're about 1-2" long. The doctor "reused" some of the incisions he made with the gallbladder surgery two weeks ago. None of the incisions hurt. It's just my guts inside. The upper part where my new pouch is and the lower part where the drain is. Oh yeah, that fucking drain. I'm sick of it already and I can't have it removed until next Thursday. I tell you, I'm going to do a little dance when they take that sucker out. It's draining fluid from around (in?) my intestines where the new connection was made. It drains yellow, red fluids into a tube that connects to a squeezy bag thing outside. The place where the drain tube is connected is sewn to my skin (barely) and it leaks. All day, every day. It's a pain in the ass. All my clothes get wet all the time with the "gut juice" and it's disgusting. I have to empty this drain 1-2x a day every day. Can you see how happy this makes me? Yeah right. I can't wear shorts because the drain makes a big bulge if I stuff it in there and the waistband of my shorts hits right at the incision site. Ok, I'm done bitching about that.

So far so good on not dumping. I don't mean bowel movements, those are fine. Dumping is when you eat something with sugar in it and your body reacts and not in a good way. You cramp up, are nauseated and in pain. Lasts about 30 minutes I hear. No thanks. I've been a really good label reader for things coming out of commercial products. I've mostly been eating things from the ground. Yesterday I made my first green smoothie of my new life. I put in 1/4 avocado, small handful of spinach and 1/2 persian cucumber and blended it to a smooth oblivion in my Magic Bullet. I added some water so that I could drink instead of eat it. It was delish and my tummy liked it, too.

I'm working on some good juices for tummy health right now. Any suggestions? What veggies to you put together for your upset tummy? I know cabbage is good. I've got some recipes from Cindy that I will try out this weekend. I just had to wait until the honeymoon period was over with the new pouch. I didn't want to freak it out right off the bat, you know? There are far too few stomachs in this world that haven't tried natural organic juices, but mine is not one of them, but still didn't want to rock the boat, you know? It's only been a few days for god's sake, Debbie! Give yourself a freakin' break!

I must learn to be kinder to myself. I expect so much more from myself than I do from any friend or family member. I already talked about this in a previous post, so I'm not even going to bore myself with it again. I promise to be nicer to ME this week.

My weight is doing ok. When I went in the hospital, I was 266, and when I came out I was 272. Damn fluids they pump in you. Last night when I weighed I was 267.4. Not bad for 4 days out, right?

No pictures, because you really don't want to see what I want to share.

Day before surgery - again

2009-07-06T21:52:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is surgery day. Tomorrow I get the gastric bypass surgery I've been waiting for for the past two weeks. I am happy and nervous. Happy because, well, I get the surgery. Nervous, because I know what pain is ahead. The pain really isn't that bad. Nothing I can't deal with really. It's more discomfort. That's how it was with the last surgery anyways. The gallbladder surgery.

Whatever pain I have to endure, I will. I've been very cognizant about my new eating habits and life after this surgery. It is serious and it's time for me to get serious. Since the gallbladder surgery, I've changed my eating habits a lot. I've been eating mostly veggies and fruits, but I still eat meat, only smaller portions. I did have a day where I was craving Red Vines. Strange thing to crave, huh? So I bought a package and ate it over the next two days. After that, I was fine. I know that I can't do that after surgery, so I will substitute that craving with a juice or some type of physical activity.

I'm actually feeling a little anxious today. I had to take a Xanax. That's a biggee for me - taking something to calm me down. In the past, I would've medicated myself with food. I don't feel like I'm switching from food to drugs. No way. I'm just saying I'm aware of the change. Big step for me.

I'm feeling a little "blah" right now. Indifferent. Tired. Gotta go.

Asian Market

2009-07-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to the Asian market. It's in San Diego and it's called the 99 Ranch Market. It has everything Asian in there: fish swimming in tanks, crabs and lobsters in little swimming pools, butchered pig, goat, fish, cow and probably other animals I didn't know what they were. There were as many different brands of soy sauce as there were shampoos. So many kinds of tea! Amazing dried things in bags: mushrooms, fish, fish bones, veggies and fruits. Shall I even mention noodles?? Wow.

My favorite part of the market was the fruits and veggies section. I never knew there were so many different kinds of cabbage! I picked something up called something-choi, probably a relative of bok choy. I'm treating it as cabbage and I'll cook it, smoothie it and juice it. I also got pea shoots. Love those! I've already used them in smoothies and on my sandwiches and burgers. They are so sweet-tasting. I meant to get some Japanese cucumbers, but forgot because I was so distracted by the weird fruits. Durians, breadfruits, Japanese apples/pears. Amazing place.

If I lived closer, I'd be shopping there, that's for sure.

My smoothie for the evening: 2 handfuls of frozen blackberries, 2 dollops of non-fat greek yogurt, one ripe banana and enough almond milk to make it drinkable. Yummy delicious! Who needs ice cream?!

Giving In

2009-07-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

I just ate a peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwich along with a cup of chocolate almond mild. It tasted so darn good!

I had already eaten a bowl of honeydew melon for breakfast, but was still feeling like I needed something more. I wasn't hungry after the melon, so I waited a couple of hours before I figured out what else I wanted to eat. I wanted something creamy. Something warm. Something substantial. I thought maybe oatmeal. No, I didn't feel like waiting for it to cook. Did I want leftover pasta? Nope. Hmmm.

In the past, I would've eaten my way through my feelings and the kitchen. Tasting one thing after another, eating half or all of what I thought I wanted. Mindless eating, looking for that one taste that satisfied. Never finding it, but ingesting tons of calories and eventually feeling overstuffed and disappointed with myself that I let myself get out of control.

Now I wait until I've figured out what I really want, even if it means I feel hungry for awhile. It's good to feel hungry. I never thought so before. I mean, the tiniest bit of hunger and I fed it with anything within reach or purchase. God forbid I get HUNGRY! Feeling the hunger is way better than feeling the disappointment of overeating. Wow, I think I need to frame that last comment.

So PB&J it was and it was delicious. I feel satisfied emotionally and physically.

Good day gone bad

2009-06-29T16:21:00.000-07:00

This post is about yesterday, Sunday.

Woke up and was very hungry. The need to eat was first and foremost in my head. I can usually go at least an hour before I eat in the morning, but this day was different. I needed to eat. So I made up a simple smoothie:
I used my new Magic Bullet and put in 1/2 cucumber, large handful of spinach, some kale and the Chia fiber. It was refreshing and filling. Do not pay attention to the Margarita mix and the alcohol behind the smoothie. I did not put tequila in here, but hey, that's an idea....

So I drank my smoothie and went on with my day. I felt great. Not too many aches and pains from surgery, and my energy level felt pretty good, too. I headed out to get my car washed and to WalMart for a new bathroom scale and a few other things.

Almost done shopping and I'm getting very hungry. I'd probably been in the WM for a couple of hours and the hunger came on like wildfire. EAT! In the past, the first thing I grabbed to get rid of that awful(?) hunger feeling was processed carbs and sugars. Well, hey, they are everywhere and easy to purchase, you know? I grabbed my old binge buddy, chocolate-covered Hostess donuts. Oh man, I could eat those by the bagfuls, but I only bought the 6 pack of little donuts.

Once in the car, I got out my precious donuts. Opened the package and sniffed. Smelled off, but then I haven't had processed anything for about a month. I took a bite. Hmm. Something not right. Another bite (rest of the donut) and yuck. It tasted weird. Not the sugary sweetness, yumminess that I was expecting.

Maybe my taster was off, so I put in another whole donut in my mouth. Still yucky. Still hungry. Ate the 3rd donut. Now I'm getting sick. That fat lump in my belly is not feeling good. I threw away the rest of the donuts and stopped for sushi and seaweed salad instead. Ahhh, now that's FOOD!

Once I got home, I felt my body or rather my "being" being pulled towards eating. Like I was drawn to every food I could eat and eat it now. I was full from the donut blob and from the sushi/salad, but I still ate a chicken sandwich and soup at home for dinner a few hours later. Then still "hungry" I ate something else. It's like another person was inside my body telling my brain to eat when I wasn't hungry. I was disengaged from the whole thing. I knew I was full, but my brain kept telling me to eat.

So was it the sugar that started all that? I'm guessing yes. I didn't feel that way when I woke up, so it has to be the sugars. I am so convinced that sugar is a drug. I know that when I eat it, it's like I just continue to eat badly all day. Even if I eat something healthy during the day, I still keep bingeing until I am so uncomfortable I want to throw up. It's crazy and I hope I don't have many more of these days.

My world was just ROCKED!

2009-06-26T22:25:00.000-07:00

This post does not need a picture. You probably don't want to see my face anyways. I have a smoothie mustache.

I was sitting watching tv and felt like having something sweet. John bought two kinds of ice cream today, but I have no desire to eat either one of them. Here's what I made instead:

Using your Magic Bullet:

Put one ripe banana in the mug (take the skin off, silly)
3 big dollops of Greek God Greek yogurt with honey
a 3-second squirt of liquid chocolate. I used the non-fat variety. You know the kind you put on ice cream? Yeah, that kind.
Add 2 ice cubes.
Blend.

This tastes like a banana split to me. I actually moaned when I first tasted it. It is so damn good it's probably illegal in most states. I'm going to go take a cold shower now.

A Nutritional Disaster

2009-06-26T10:47:00.000-07:00

I was very hungry when I got up this morning. By the time I had finished my 1/2 cup of coffee, I was ready to eat, but was feeling a bit "pooky" and I didn't really know what I wanted, so I waited to see if my body would tell me what it wanted. Around 10:00 it said it needed juice and protein of some kind, so I started the juice. I was making juice for two and since John tends to turn his nose up at green-tasting juices, I made this one sweet. Too sweet. I ended up putting in a kale leaf (yay me) and a handful of spinach. It was a little green, but maybe I could get away with serving him this juice. So I turned around to get the glasses out and saw that the food bin in the back of the juicer was not connected correctly (who cares at this point?) so I turned back to straighten it out and this is what happend:I am so, so sad. Not really that all the juice is all over the floor. Not because I wasted all that produce. No, I'm sad because the bowl I use to capture the juice from the juicer is one that belonged to my grandmother. It's just an old pyrex bowl, but it was a unique size with an old-fashioned design on the sides. I just about cried. I felt my insides get all cramped up and felt anxiety creeping in.

John helped me clean up the mess and I said good-bye to grandma's bowl. I will have to search through the antique stores for another one like it. It won't be the same because it's not grandma's, but oh well.

So, anxiety is settling in quickly. I'm very hungry and now I just want to EAT! Anything, anything, turn around in circles, find the food, find the food, give it to me! Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits, got to have me some kibbles and bits. You know that commercial? That's how I felt!

So did I do that? No, I took a walk around the house. Try to get in touch with the feelings inside. I'm feeling the anxiety over losing the bowl, I'm sore from being on my hands and knees cleaning up the juice/glass mess and I'm hungry!

After the quick walk, this is what ended up on my plate:

Greek low-fat yogurt with fresh strawberries, a banana and banana bread with canola oil margarine. I don't see any Little Debbie's snack cakes in there, do you? I need time to myself now. Upstairs with my breakfast I go. John follows me to make sure I'm ok. Who is this man? After he is assured I'm ok, he goes back downstairs.

I have to blog. Blog, blog, blog! Get it out, say it, purge the feelings into words, throw it up. So yes, I blog. My mind goes faster than I can write, so I type it. As I'm typing, I am calming down. No drugs necessary. Feel the feelings and deal, right?

So what's left of that breakfast? Half the banana bread, half a banana and half the yogurt, and guess what? I'm not hungry anymore. I didn't need that much stuff on my plate in the first place. Listening to my body and feeding it what it wants, not what I want to feed it. Taking care of my body. It's the only one I get.

Thank you, Doris.

It didn't turn out bad after all

2009-06-26T00:07:00.001-07:00

See? I'm smiling!

This, my friends, is a green smoothie. It is so darn delicious!

Here's what's in it:

1 kale leaf

4 romaine lettuce leaves

big handful of spinach

1 small cucumber

1 banana

1/2 avocado

1 large tsp of chia meal

leftover pineapple juice from this morning (about 4 oz)

splash of peach nectar

I bet you are wondering where I got this combination of veggies. I got it from Cindy! I asked her for a good green smoothie and she suggested this combination of greens to start with. You can make this and if you don't like the flavors, then change it to something you do like. There is no set recipe, really. Just put in what you like.

I made this juice and it was all I could do to keep myself from gulping it down. It was my lunch and I wanted to savor it for a couple of reasons. By gulping, you don't taste what it is you're drinking. Those great flavors don't have time to sit on your tongue if you gulp. So I sipped it. Took me about an hour to drink that glass of smoothie. Can you see how happy it made me? Totally changed my outlook for the day, I'd say. I felt more energetic and more alert.

I felt so good I went to group tonight. I brought along the rest of the smoothie to share. They liked it! I think the more I talk about juicing and smoothies, the more converts I get. They want to know what juicer I have, what veggies go together, etc. I guess I'd better become more knowledgeable about combinations of veggies for particular health reasons. I depend a lot on Cindy for that, but I need to learn for myself. For instance, I know that lettuce and cucumber are soothing drinks. Soothing to your stomach and soothing to your well-being. Besides, it's just darn delicious. Yes, mix them together. You'll love it!

I'll share one of my thoughts from group tonight and it's this: I said that since I've been juicing, I've been off my sugar train. Boy, oh boy, can I ride that train, too. I've been staying away from packaged foods and prepared foods in any way, including fast foods. There is just too much fat, salt and sugar in those foods. (More on that later in another post.) I feel so much better physically, but here's the greatest thing: I don't compulsively eat. The food I'm eating fills me in the right way nutritionally, that I don't feel the desire to snack on bad things. If I do get a little hungry, I grab some almonds, or snow peas or fruit and I really am satisfied. Now if you told me I would be eating this way 3-4 months ago, I would've said "yeah right", but I am doing it and I feel so good.

I know I can be successful with the gastric bypass now. I know what foods are good for me and what they can do for me to help me heal. I can do this!

Thursday a.m.

2009-06-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

It's only 8:48 am and I'm already done for the day. I got out of bed about 30 minutes ago because I needed pain medication. My belly is so sore and the liquid Vicodin just barely takes the edge off the pain. I did the kitchen/living room loop about 20 times to get my blood flowing and energy up, but I just don't feel it today. I will have to remember that the day I'm feeling really good, not to overdo it because I'll pay for it the next day.

This sucks, but at least I learned something.

I'm going to try very hard at putting in at least a paragraph about my emotional being. I tend to skip over that and I think that when I do it's because I don't want to talk about something. Maybe. I don't know. So the food thing is going ok. I'm not really wanting to eat much. Last night I overdid it at dinner, but John made jalapeno-pineapple covered salmon on a plank and we had mixed veggies and a 1/2 clam shell with clam stuff in it. Yummo!

See how I deflect back to food? It's always about food. How it makes us feel. Just like dinner. Made me feel so good by eating good healthy food, but then I neglect to tell you about my feelings. Story of my life. Don't tell people about the (negative) feelings in my head, only the positive. Be positive and your life will be positive. Have a positive outlook and the world around you will be a happier place. Who told me that bullshit? People are people and they do what the hell they want. Yes, if you smile at someone they tend to smile back, but why? Not because you are changing them, but because it's polite.

I'm not trying to change the world here. I'm trying to change ME. Overall, I believe I have a positive outlook on life. I'm not grumpy very often. Why not? Is it because I'm stuffing feelings? A good friend (Cindy) told me to just feel my feelings. So what if I'm having a grumpy day. So what if I feel down today. Just feel it and go with it. Don't stuff it down with food or have someone try to bring me out of it. Feel it. FEEL IT!!!! That is more significant to me than you know, Cindy. I must feel my feelings, good or bad. My body is telling me something and I need to learn from that. So what if I have a down day. Yay if I'm having a good day. It's just a day, or a half a day or a couple of hours. I don't need to wallow in it or complain about it. Just feel it and carry on.

So that's what I'm doing today. Feeling it and carrying on. I'm not feeling particularly chipper and I'd really rather be by myself today. I'll have John remind me of my walks and my breathing exercises, but that's really all the interaction I want or need today. I just want me and my colored pencils today. Need some time for ME thinking.

Love to you all who read this.

Good Day

2009-06-24T13:49:00.001-07:00

I am feeling quite well today. Not a lot of pain in the old gallbladder area unless I press on it. Still have the marcaine drip pump thingy but that will be gone in a couple of days. I'm doing well with my breathing exercises and I'm doing ok with food. I've only had a smoothie and a piece of banana bread so far today. I'm just not hungry.

My smoothie was an interesting one. I saw the entry on this blog . It looked interesting and yummy so I thought I'd try it. I didn't have chia seeds but that was ok with me. So I put in the 1/2 cup of blueberries, the 1/2 avocado and blended it. Needed a little juice, so I put in a little peach juice. Wasn't quite there, so I put in a big dollop of low-fat Greek yogurt. It was quite yummy and very interesting. Not sure I'd make it again, but hey, gotta try new things, right?

I made John banana bread last night, so I had a piece just a few minutes ago. It was good, but nothing special. I ate it because there isn't much to choose from in the fridge. When John gets back from getting his truck washed, we'll go to Sprouts to get some veggies and fruits.

So how am I doing mentally....? Since no gastric bypass yet, I'm doing ok. I don't find that I am even thinking of food, really. It's like it's no big deal. As I mentioned yesterday, I only had ice chips for two days and I didn't even care. I wasn't that hungry, physically or mentally. Today I only ate the banana bread slice because I needed something in my tummy because it was growling. I really don't have much to say about this subject because I'm doing ok. Really.

John's home, off to the store we go.

First Surgery Update

2009-06-23T23:58:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to go in on Monday and have two things done: gastric bypass and gallbladder removal. The doctor only did the gallbladder removal because he found a mass on my lower intestines. Rather than possibly get over his head in not knowing what the mass was by trying to remove it, move it or disturb it, he opted not to do the gastric bypass.

I was very upset when I found out, but I understood. It makes sense and I'm glad he didn't do anything to jeopardize my life. I had a CT scan of my abdomen today. Funny thing about that. I had to drink this big container of this barium stuff. Yuck. Well, it really wasn't too yucky since all I've been able to have for the past two has has been ice chips. So I drank that down and went for the CT scan. The technician tells me I he's going to put iodine in my I.V. and do I know if I'm allergic? I've never had it so I say go for it. He tells me I might get warm in strange places. What the heck does that mean? So he injects the iodine and guess what gets warm, well hot, actually? My genitals! Yes, my pussy lips are on fire, but I cannot move.

Back to the room and I have to wait for the doctor get out of surgery to get me my results. In the mean time, John and I are walking the halls and I'm doing my breathing exercises. After a bit, I get tired and decide to lie down for a bit. All of a sudden, I get very weepy and start to cry. I'm pissed because I didn't get the surgery I really wanted. I can't stop crying and John holds my hand and he's sad, too. I cry for awhile to get it all out and then take a nap. Dr. Callery comes in and tells me the results of my CT scan. The mass on my lower intestines is just fat. Probably some fat that rolled over on itself. I'm glad, he's glad.

He tells me that he can reschedule me for gastric bypass on July 7th. At first, I was mad, but then I realized it's only a few weeks away. I told him that would be great and he put me on his schedule. I'll have my follow-up appointment with Kelly at the office on July 2nd and that would be my post-op/pre-op appt at the same time.

Ok, so now the only thing is this: Since I've had the laparascopic gallbladder removal, I know what to expect pain-wise with the laparascopic gastric bypass. I know the recovery, the discomfort and the pain. The only new thing will be food, or the lack of it for a while. I don't have a problem with not eating for a while. Besides the yogurt I just ate, the only thing I've had since midnight on Sunday was ice chips. The pain kind of takes over and I didn't feel hungry.

I wear a wide elastic binder around my middle. It really helps out with the pain. It doesn't seem to make much sense to put something constrictive on parts of your body that are painful, but it really does help. I'm grateful for that. The only apparatus I have attached to me right now is a little pump. The pump is filled with a marcaine type stuff. The end of the very thin tube is inside my stomach area next to where the gallbladder came out. It helps to numb the area so it doesn't hurt so much. This thing is called On-Q and it's great. It has 60-70 hours worth of medicine in there and when it's done, I just pull out the tube. Isn't that interesting?

John and I went for a walk down the block and back today. It was a gorgeous day outside. The rest of my walks were inside the house because I was really hurting this afternoon after the walk. I took a 3 hour nap after the walk, so I'm still feeling awake at the moment. I'm catching up on my Facebook and emails for the day. After that, I may finish up a couple of cards I started on Saturday.

Fast note

2009-06-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

I need to update since my surgery, but I'm sore and tired. Will write later or tomorrow.

The pictures. Gulp!

2009-06-21T22:53:00.000-07:00

I knew I wanted before pictures, but once they were taken, I wasn't so sure I wanted to post them on the blog. I feel so vulnerable. You see all my rolls and fat and my gut and well, I guess I don't need to point it all out. You can see it for yourself. I'll be doing this every week so I can track my progress.

Without further ado, here we go:

Tomorrow is the day

2009-06-21T22:08:00.000-07:00

In exactly 13 hours, I will be in surgery. Wow. It seems like it's taken forever to get here, and now it's here. I was feeling fine up until 30 minutes ago and I started getting all anxious and nervous, so I took a Xanax. No reason not to. I need to be able to sleep tonight.

My bags are packed. Not much to pack, really. Jammies, toiletries and the old CPAP machine.

Dinner was at 4:30 today since I was not supposed to eat anything after 5pm. We had grilled chicken, sweet potato fries and a nice salad. I've been drinking soothing juices made from cabbage, so I hope I don't smell like cabbage tomorrow. haha I'm just finishing up a nice fruit tea and then after midnight, I'm not supposed to have anything. I really hope to be in bed and asleep by midnight. I hope the Xanax kicks in soon so I can sleep.

I haven't felt like I needed a Last Supper. Oh, last week I did have some of my favorite lunches, including sushi. I will miss sushi for a while, but I'll be able to have it in time. It's not like it will be forbidden. I'm a little hungry right now, but I know I will not die if I do not eat something. I've learned to let myself feel hunger and only feed the hunger, not the emotion. So, even though my brain wants me to eat, I will not eat. Brain does not win this time.

Ok, so I'm off to take my shower and make sure all the stuff is in my bag for the hospital. I'll be back in a couple of days ready to take on the world. Kisses to you all for sticking by me and understanding why I need to do this for ME. Love you all.

Saturday's breakfast

2009-06-20T11:29:00.000-07:00

Happy Saturday!

Woke up this morning with right shoulder pain, so I went straight out to the spa and soaked for about an hour. It felt so good and my arm is much better.

John said he was going to make breakfast and what popped into my head? A WRAP! Man, I love those wraps. So here's what's in my wrap:

Spinach Garden tortilla

two scrambled eggs

1 slice bacon

spinach

cilantro

green pepper

1/4 avocado

sliced tomatoes

It was freakin' delicious!

I had my usual 1/2 cup of coffee, but felt like I wanted to make some juice. John looked a little dubious about having me make him some juice. He's turned his nose up at a few of my juices so far, so I decided to make a sweet one. For two cups of juice, I put these in the juicer:

big bunch of green grapes

2 apples

2 pears

2 carrots

My original juce recipe was the grapes, apples and pears. I really wanted to put in a beet or two (with the tops) but John turned his nose up at the thought, so that's when I put in the carrots. I told him that beets were sweet, but I didn't want him to not like the juice, so I put in carrots instead. It was still really yummy.

Four more days

2009-06-18T15:19:00.001-07:00

Wow, it hit me today - my surgery is in 4 days!

Yesterday, John and I went to see the surgeon and sign the papers and talk about whatever. We talked to the nurse practitioner first. Between the two visits, we were there for two hours. Two hours, people! When is the last time you had a doctor's visit that they actually took time to sit there with you and talk about what you wanted to talk about?? We discussed meds, diet and the actual surgery. Since I have gallstones, we are going to go ahead and take the gallbladder out at the same time he does the gastric bypass. I don't want to have to go in for another surgery in 4-6 months to have the gallbladder out when he can do it now. It's only going to be trouble later on.

I was so nervous about that appointment. I mean so nervous I had to take some anti-anxiety meds. I don't usually get nervous before doctor's appointments, but this one really mattered to me. I was nervous that I hadn't lost enough weight to do the surgery. When I started this whole process back in December, 2008, I weighed 290. Now I weigh 274. Neither the NP or the doc mentioned anything about my weight. Well only to tell me I did a good job losing weight so far. Yay me! That was my biggest fear though, not losing enough weight to be able to go through with the surgery, but now that that is not an issue, I'm more relaxed and am ready to get this show on the road, baby!

Today was the appointment at the hospital with the admissions nurse. We went over meds and allergies and what the whole procedure from admitting to recovery room would be like. It's very comforting knowing what will happen. John will take me to the hospital at 8am and my surgery is at 11am. I'll be in surgery and then recovery until at least 4pm, so I'm telling John to go home and relax. I don't need him to be sitting in the uncomfortable waiting room just so he's in the building. I'm not like that. He can go back to the hospital after I'm in my regular room. His job will be to get me up and walking the halls. If all goes well, I'll be in the hospital 1-2 days and then homeward bound.

I'm very happy my eating frenzy has slowed to a halt. I don't feel the urge to eat sugar at all. I believe those veggie juices are helping with that a lot. Why would you need candy when you can have any kind of juice you want? Now that's what I'm talkin' about! I didn't make a juice after dinner last night because I didn't want one for one thing, and the other thing was that while John was doing dinner dishes (yes, ladies, he does the dishes! Nope, can't have him, he's all mine!!) he plugged up the drain, so he had to go out and buy that Liquid Plummer stuff. Eww, I hate that stuff, but what to do? His problem and he solved it.

So, I'm supposed to be sticking to about 1000 calories a day until surgery. I'm not going to count calories. I hate doing that. What I will do, however, is to eat healthy food with no junk. Cut out the breads and sweets and I will be fine.

I know I'm rambling on and on, but apparently I have a lot to say today.

You know what I thought of today? I realized I was worried about losing my fat body. I could hide my emotions behind the fat, but when I'm thinner and have a smaller stomach, I won't be able to eat myself into that abyss any more. You know what? I think I will have a funeral for my fat on Sunday. I will be saying goodbye to a lifelong friend, and that will be difficult. A friend who comforted me in times of sadness, loneliness and anger. The fat that kept me away from doing things like riding my bike, hiking and reaching out to other people. The fat that let me seclude myself in my craft room with hidden sugary snacks when I didn't want to deal with real life and conversations with my husband. This friend is going to die on Sunday and I will miss her, but she will be going to a better place and so will I.

Going, going, gone!

2009-06-16T21:52:00.000-07:00

I was craving my juice today and had no veggies in the house, so off to Sprouts I went. Filled my basket with lots and lots of green, red, yellow and orange. So beautiful!

After dinner, I made myself a juice. I just put in some of my favorite flavors. This isn't a very pretty juice, but it sure is delicious!

1 carrot
1/2 cucumber
1 stalk celery
handful of parsley
handful of spinach

Here it is:

I love my juice really, really cold, so I add ice and stir it up.

Juice in the craft room, sitting next to the infamous cat whisker jar.

GONE! Man, that was so delicious!

This is the magic juicing machine. I love this juicer. It's quiet and powerful. It's easy to assemble and take apart and doesn't take long to clean. What you can't see here is the large container in the back that holds all the veggie pulp.

If you haven't tried juicing yet, why not? Lots of information on the internet and from books. Give it a try. Just start juicing your favorite veggies and make your own "V8" juice. You will never go back to commercial vegetable juice again.

Crazy Nervousness

2009-06-16T11:46:00.001-07:00

I have been a nervous wreck these past few days. My heartbeat is faster, my legs keep twitching, I'm clenching my teeth and my brain is going a mile a minute. I can't keep a thought for more than a minute. I'm not nervous about the surgery really. Not the actual surgery, but of the unknown afterwards.

Like it was said to me, this is not like an appendectomy where you recover and life goes on. This is a life-changing operation and not knowing what's to come is nervewracking. I mean, yeah, I've read blogs and bulletin boards about how people who've gone through gastric bypass have reported their recovery, but it's not ME. I'm really trying to learn, but my brain is muddled, confused and is sparking so fast I can't keep up!

I'm not worried about the hospital. Not worried about recovery. Truth? I'm worried about the doctor appointment tomorrow. What if I didn't lose those last two pounds? What if I gained weight? Will they postpone my surgery? OMG, I will go crazy! I've really done my best, but I am human, and I am an emotional overeater, so what can I really expect? I'm trying to use the tools I learned in group sessions, but they're muddled along with everything else. I just can't think!!

I just want this to be over. I want this so bad I can taste it. Yeah, taste it. haha!

Surgery is Monday morning. I am ready. I think John is ready. We both read over all the informed consents and will be ready for the surgeon tomorrow. On paper, everything is in order. My brain is just flying off the handle right now. Maybe that's normal?

At least my eating frenzy is over. I can relax about that. No more eating everything in sight. When I'm hungry, I eat a handful of raw almonds and I feel better. The almonds keep my mouth busy with all the crunching and it satisfies the grumbling in my tummy. Or is it in my brain? Either way, it works and it's better than snacking on bad foods.

Which brings me to that. There are no dangerous foods in our house. Not like exploding food, but that would be interesting... I mean dangerous for me to eat. No refined sugars, no sodas, no candy. If I want sweet, there are dates and fruit. If I want crunch, there are veggies and nuts. The kitchen is safe.

I'm kind of doing the "last supper" thing this week. Yesterday was a nice sushi lunch. I won't be able to have rice for at least 3 months post-op, but I can have sashimi after about 3 weeks, I think. Last night was a hamburger piled with tomatoes, avocado, lettuce, onions and pickles with cucumber slices on the side. Today's breakfast was a drive-thru McD's because I was starving and running late for work. Bad choice, but I didn't want to obsess about not having food at work to eat and being hungry all morning. Bad planning, bad choices, you know? I haven't planned tonight's dinner yet. I'm thinking chicken and veggies. Maybe some pasta.

After work I'm hitting the market for some veggies to get me through the week. Need to stock up on veggies to calm my nerves.

The Walnut

2009-06-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was rough for me.

I was having a mental day. No, not a crazy mental day, just mental. I'm anxious and excited about my surgery. I was having car issues. Thinking about the new cat cooped up in the bedroom. I was concerned about my doctor's appt that day. Did I lose or gain weight? Whatever I thought about, I worried about.

Doctor's appt went fine. Cindy went with me and we talked to the dietician and got some food things clarified. I'm going to be fine, I know that, but if you know me, I am the kind of person who has to do things perfectly or I don't do them. I have to make a recipe exactly the way it's written the first time. I have to make a craft exactly the way it is instructed. I have to follow a diet to the letter or I've failed. I'm learning, with the help of good friends (Cindy) and the dietician that I do not have to be perfect.

So here's the thing. After gastric bypass - in 11 more days! - my stomach will be the size of a walnut. Why I'm worried about filling that walnut is beside me. The first few days after surgery is clear liquids. Then on to soft foods, then after six weeks I can have salads and more solid foods. At that time, my stomach will be around the size of a lemon.

I am just so obsessed right now about putting healthy foods into that walnut! That's where Cindy comes in. She is helping me so much by showing me how to put healthy veggies and fruits into juices and smoothies. I just need to be more adventurous in the kitchen when making those things. As I said before, the recipe must be followed EXACTLY! HA!! Cindy says just put in what you like. WHAT?! No recipe? You've got to be kidding! I start getting the jitters and my pits start sweating. Say it isn't so!

So I am learning to mix healthy veggies and fruits into the concoctions I like so that what I put in my walnut is healthy. I am finding I crave a juice drink more than I am craving sugar. Now THAT is foreign to me. I'm used to hitting the snack machine or sneaking in that candy bar somewhere during my day. I did have sweets about four or five days ago. See previous post about eating myself out of house and home. The amazing thing to me is that my body is not craving the sugar. I'm craving veggies!

I feel like my future walnut is my baby. I have to nuture it and feed it healthy food so it can grow into a healthy lemon.

Why oh Why??

2009-06-08T20:27:00.000-07:00

I just can't help myself. Seems like everything edible within my grasp is eaten. Oh I did turn down ice cream tonight, but then I'm not a big ice cream eater. Yay for me.

I got on the scale and it is UP UP UP! I have an appt tomorrow and I don't want to go. I'm scared that they will say I haven't lost all the weight I should've and they won't do my surgery. I do have two weeks left to lose about 5-7 lbs so it is doable, but I feel like I'm sabotaging myself.

I feel as if there is another person inside me making me do this to myself. Like I'm looking from the outside in and I don't see ME. I see another person pretending to be me so I'm not real. Like I'm not in touch with myself. Someone else is calling the shots. This sounds too weird, even to me.

I have to get my shit together. Surgery is exactly two weeks away and I cannot blow this. There will be no delaying of surgery because I can't lose 7 lbs. No way. I know, I know, I'm a procrastinator extraordinaire, but it can't happen with this. No way. This is me I have to do this time. It's me I have to save. It's me I have to care about and there is no other way to do it, but JUST DO IT!

God, why do I make it so difficult all the time? Why do I sabotage myself? Why? Why? WHY?

Ok, I took a deep breath. Have to concentrate on the positive. Need to get out the positive affirmations and actually say them to myself. I DO deserve this and I will have this. I will change my attitude.

I will not fail myself this time.

Is is armageddon?

2009-06-07T19:19:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm eating like there's no tomorrow.

Today started out ok. I had a half cup of coffee and then ran out to get the new kitty, Goober. I didn't eat because I really wasn't hungry. When I got home at noon, I was starving. I found leftover black beans, carne asada, shredded lettuce, peppers, 1/2 a tomato and some cotija cheese and made myself a wrap. It was delicious, but I really could've had 1/2 of the wrap. I let myself eat the whole thing.

After eating the wrap, I headed upstairs to the craft room to get some projects done. I ate six, SIX! of those Rocher candies and a nutty peanut butter wafer thing. After an hour, I went downstairs and opened a bag of white cheddar popcorn and shared that with John. I promply fell asleep on the couch. A sugar stupor, I'm guessing.

Why am I eating like this after so long of eating so healthy? Am I subconciously eating the things I won't be able to eat after surgery? Ah, I just had an idea. Guess what I quit doing? JUICING! I think the veggies and fruit juices keep my blood sugar at a constant level and eating candy and crap put me back into the junkie mode - once I started the drug (sugar), I couldn't stop. After the nap now, I feel hung over. Have a slight pressure headache. Sugar is evil!

Instead of beating myself up mentally, I'm just accepting this slight deviation from my plan, and carry on. Get back to juicing and eating right. I don't know why I will only accept perfection from myself on eating better when it took me 50 years to get like this eating the way I have. I need to start treating myself the way I treat others, with more understanding and compassion.

I'm off to cook my garbanzo beans so I can make my hummus.

Today is tough

2009-06-05T14:34:00.000-07:00

I'm having a tough food day today. I'm fighting the munchies and I THINK I have a sweet tooth, but not so sure.

Breakfast was Greek Yogurt with honey. Lunch was leftover PickUpStix chicken stir fry with brown rice. I've had snacks today: almonds, sesame crackers with honey mustard, and more almonds. The last time I ate the almonds I thought I wanted something sweet, so I put some agave nectar on them. Although the nectar was sweet, it didn't do much for my almonds, so I gave that up.

You know, now that I write this down, I can see why I'm hungry. No juice, no veggies, no fruit. What the heck? How did I put myself in this position? Well I can tell you one thing, it won't happen again. At least this week. I don't like being hungry and I am not going to succumb to processed sugar just because my stomach is growling. I can see now that the juices help curb my appetite.

I'm also feeling cooped up, but who's fault is that? Mine, of course. There are only two of us in the department today, so I decided to stay in for lunch. Not getting outside getting fresh air definitely makes me feel sluggish. I think the whole feeling is just my body going through changes as the old crap (literally) is washed through my system. Feeling those feelings again just like the first time I ate them. Why must we relive our past? So we can learn, grasshopper.

So ok, I learned something today.

Thursday was an ok day

2009-06-04T15:11:00.001-07:00

I'm not a horse. Really I'm not. I only say that because I had another carrot for breakfast. Hey, it's good nutrition and it's easy to eat in the car. If I start neighing, I guess I'll give up the carrot habit, but for now, it's a go.

For breakfast I had the stuff mentioned in the post below, so I won't rehash that. That held me until noon. I went home to let the cats in and out, then in, then out, then in, then out. I feel like a personal assistant sometimes. Cats can be such a pain in the ass sometimes, but I love all my kitties to death. Gizmo was a very good boy outside today. He didn't wander to the front yard at all. He just laid on the table (yes the table) in the sun and slept.

Meanwhile, I went inside to make some juice to sip on for the afternoon at work. I started to follow a "recipe" by Cindy (more on her in later posts) and realized I didn't have all the veggies in the recipe, so I just winged it and it turned out delicious! Here's what I made:

1 large, firm Roma tomato
2 stalks of celery
2 carrots
1 whole cucumber. Don't peel it - lots of good stuff in the skin
about 1/4 cup of onion. I don't know how much. I just sliced some off and put it in the juicer
1 large kale leaf
1/2 green bell pepper, seeded

I think that's it. I can't remember. I have to write this shit down so I can remember it later in case I want to make it again. Anywho, this juice is fab! I put some ice in it to make it taste crisper and it does. It is so yummy. If you have a juicer, try it. Try anything. Just juice it! Well, ok, maybe not chicken or a fish. That would be gross. Juice VEGGIES! Anything that sounds good to you.

Oh, and I saved the pulp from this batch of juice. I'm going to use it in tomorrow night's dinner. I got some nice sweet italian sausage (bulk) and I'm going to mix in as much veggie pulp as I can and then brown it up and serve it with noodles and some more veggies, probably broccoli. I'll let you know how that works.

Well, gotta go. Literally. The celery and the cucumber are doing their jobs.

Breakfast

2009-06-04T09:41:00.001-07:00

Got up late again. Man, I hate it when I do that. Scrubbed a carrot to munch on on my way to work. Bagged up some broccoli, cauliflower and mushrooms to have in my Egg Beaters omelet. Oh and I grabbed an avocado, too, because there are healthy fats in avocadoes.

Made my omelette, but made it too big. I mean, I used about 1/2 cup of EB instead of 1/4 cup. Not that I'm really measuring things, but I could've done with less egg. It was delicious, though. Sprinkled some of my toasted acorn squash seeds with cayenne on top of the avo on top of the omelette. Now I feel full. Fuller than full.

I was eating my breakfast while a co-worker sat and talked to me. I wanted to eat while it was still hot, so I did, but it ended up that it was mindless eating. Not in touch with my feelings emotionally or physically. That is why I overate. Plus, I think the coffee is messing with my stomach today. I've been weaning myself off coffee, but today I wanted some. It's the yucky Folgers coffee and I don't usually drink that. That is horrible coffee. John and I buy Blue Mountain coffee beans and grind our own. Folgers is just shit coffee. I should've stayed with my green tea today.

Live and learn.

New blog, first post

2009-06-03T23:17:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start a new blog. One that I can rant, chat or ramble about what's going on with me and my world. I do have another blog, a craft blog, but some things are just more appropriate in a separate place.

I'll talk about food, diet and my weight loss journey after gastric bypass surgery. More details later. Be prepared. This blog will not be censored.